Thoughts of a 'Man'

ok.....i should be going to study soon.....was really occupied this weekend...which is a good thing..wasn't spending the whole time studying, but still the time was wasted properly..

sigh...30 days or less to the A lvls......ok i've got so many chapters that are yet untouched, i plan to finish 3 chapters of whatever hopefully 4 chapters in a week......all these gaps here and there, i don't know if i can clear it in time, and still do some practise before entering the examinations....especially economics....not to worry, i know i can do it.....

there is this anticipation in me for the a lvls....its good, it feels just like the excitement of getting to go up to stage and perform....and weeks before the actual performance, the anticipation starts and never ceases..it becomes the centre of all priorities..studying is just like the jamming sessions, which is quite enjoyable really...this belief keeps me going i guess...

i really really really really hope no one will look back and regret this episode in life...the A levels...its like being in one of those life-threatening obstacle courses with big rolling boulders, giant swinging axes, flying darts and spike pits.......we really cannot cannot allow ourselves to be knocked off course.....it doesn't matter if you intend to do well, to give up and do something else after this, or even retain(which i believe that door is already closed).....

we are being rushed to do our A lvls....and for me(and many many many many others) wanted to retain to have more time to acquire it in my own pace, but no......schools now are being ran like factories, with capitalistic principles.....they just want you to churn out top grades......they take in a lot of ppl, they don't give a shit about how well or badly you do....well the teachers do care, but the system itself is cruel, so the teachers themselves can't help you....the school should be burnt...

just don't regret.....Its this stupid education system that our prime minister likes to boast so much about and give such impertinent recognition to.....i agree that if you're in hwachong or raffles or some prestigious school, you are probably being groomed to be sucessful in society in future......but the school i am in right now and my secondary school, is far from that........my secondary school, a neighbourhood school, sucks....they do not develop you in anyway, restricts your ambition, your potential, does not speak or represent education in its purest forms.....in jc, well pjc is much better, but still it lacks a lot...lacks behind in providing opportunities, or in grooming or developing your potential and personality....it sucks....it's so called opportunities are provided to only a small few minority which the school believes is the cream, overseas trips, SDP, or any workshops provided to those they think will benefit from most, and neglecting everyone else.. and that they're being meritocratic about it...but really, like society, their being impassive to those who are really talented, really free......

yet to be expressed, i have a long list of problems that the singapore education system has, i have a long list of solutions for the system. since i have the solutions, i have the right to complain... if i ever told the schools something like this, they will surely blame it on funding..saying that there are not enough funds to support us or develop us....like in hockey cca, they do not have funds to book pitch and shit....funds......please, our goverment is efficient, but not efficient enough... the goverment allocates such a big budget to our educational system...but how much actually reaches us students....how much of it actually is put to good use and develops us, allowing us to provide external benefit to society..how much of this money is translated to quality education....the goverment may be trying its best by pumping in lots of money, but not on the right things.....give teachers a larger salary?!.....does it improve the quality of teachers or quality of teaching?! i don't get it.....it just increases the number of teachers, and then the govt will have to pay even more, but the students don't benefit from getting better teachers...not that the teachers are lousy, but its reality...teachers in turn are being churned out in mass like the 'backyard steel furnaces' in the great leap forward....well, how many principles does a school need?.....we usually have 2, now, almost every school has 3......yes, such promotions and big money in their pockets improves the education system....how many ppl do you need to make a decision....just have a board of directors and advisors and one chairperson......

i'm bitter because i'm one of the many many students who never got to exploit the funds...never got to go to any overseas trips....

recently, govt has been trying to sell our Arts industry.....yes, by pumping lots of money, into the drain.....i got an A for project work, mainly because i kept critisising this in my project, saying the goverment doesn't know what its doing...i'm quite happy that Royston Tan lived up to his name, looks more accomplished now than Jack Neo will ever be...i'm so happy that anybody that witnessed our project realised its potential and said 'yes,they were right'....rmb arts need to be cultivated in ppl's minds first....well then again, the govt could be boasting about our film and arts industry thru the media merely to garner more investments....

wah i talked so much about this govt thing.....i'm wasting my time....i still support the pap though...time to study time to study...

i'm gonna continue my story someday....or maybe never.....

A kid laughs because he is truly entertained, taken away, overwhelmed with joy.........

ok i guess i'm going to tell all of you ppl-that-ever-reads a story..its certainly not an auto-biography of myself(but of course, it is a reference to reality)....i'm just in a mood to be colourful, and i haven't written a story since the o lvls....i hardly could know how to start.....but i feel that for ppl like Jun Hui and Qihuat who constantly reads these posts and would later tell me and laugh about it, i feel responsible that i have to give them something interesting..
right now, my life is a real bore, i admit.


(story is going to be quite ridiculous and lousy)

There was a boy named Timmy. He had always been living a smooth-sailing life, with hardly any drama in his life to paint it red. He wondered how it was like to be a child again. Everyone was once a child, but we no longer remember how our attitudes or behaviour once were. He pondered, 'A kid laughs because he is truly entertained, taken away, overwhelmed with joy.........'. Though a child still lies at the back of our head, child-like behaviour still stems from the unconscious, he wondered if he was truly happy each time he laughs. Each time he had a great time with his friends, joking, playing and just running about, he couldn't hold himself back but let out rapid bursts of laughter. Yet, each time when things were calm. He can't stop wondering about the lack of colour in his life. Even though he laughs, he is not truly happy. There is always something missing. There exists an emptiness in everyone that cannot be satiated by one's own will, even this, quite often it cannot be provided by those around you either. Still, such a life he continued to lead, and continued to laugh. Never expect to find someone that will understand you, it is better to understand yourself and what you want and to get it at the end of the day.

He met a clown one day on the way back to school. He was awed and attracted by this aura of cheeriness that exudes out of him like colourful spinning streamers hung onto the handles of a pink bicycle. Sadly for Timmy that day, he dropped some money on the floor and had to go home hungry because he absolutely could not buy any crackers for lunch. Even Polly, his very-bestest-friend did not spare him any crackers as crackers were Polly's weakness. Polly digs crackers man......

At once, the clown spotted this pathetic-excuse-for-a-human-being. He felt this urge to be the rescuer, to help cheer him up again. However, at that point of time, he was immensely surrounded by lots of irritating children vying for his absolute attention, and being a clown, his only honor to serve was in entertaining these rugrats. These children was like all-hell-broke-loose. They don't give a fuck. THey just wanted to be happy. They stepped on his big red shoes, turning them black. They pulled his big red hair, though there were curly, they became entangled. They pinched his big red nose. One even tried to puncture and push his nose into his face, to no avail, the nose merely squeaked and that only drew larger laughters and more hands to squeeze his red red nose. He hated the children. And worst of all, the sin of all sins, the children compared him to Ronald Macdonald.

'The world of McDomination'
He hates Ronald and Mr Colonel. They are posers, sell-outs. Cashcows of gluttonous businessmen. They make real clowns like him feel ashamed of being clowns, for these true clowns were the real non-conformists until they were being commercialised by filthy pocketting businessmen with no real agenda in life besides making more money for themselves. The burgers look and tasted like saggy breast. The fried chicken like saggy skin. "Who eats this shit?! TUDE! FUCK IT! TUDE!"

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ok i will continue this story tmr...its 12 am now, i really want to complete this story, but like freaking everything else, timing is wrong....its the stupid a lvls, and i need to get sleep to slug it out tmr........this story is probably about everything i've learnt so far........and i already have the whole story in my head..so anyone that is out there, stay tuned.

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do this do that do this do that do this do that do this do that do this do that do this and that

absence does to you the strangest of things....now my psyche is all set...

only thru these rites would you be worthy....

its like finally looking thru the looking glass....now i have organised and strutured feelings..

woke up at 12 pm today....was wondering how i was going to spend my day....i was really bored the past few days, and thought that today, i was going to exploit it as much as i can before the new week starts and i'll have to start working like a machine with not time for thoughts and reflections or imagination or any personal time like that...............really had the desire today to stay at home, to gain deeper insights about things....... was wondering what i was going to do......i wanted to watch as many films as i can......and to think of something worthy to write in this blog.....anyway, you might not understand and see the perspective of what i'm saying following from here, but read it anyway.....i may be deep or surface, i don't know..

anyway, i'm gonna talk about relationships, influence, power, or manipulation that ppl have over one another whether you realise it or not......

when i flipped the life! newspapers for the tv synopses at exactly 12 pm when i got out of bed, i saw the show that was airing was 'Trading Spouses'.......this is a reality series about 2 families having to trade their wives....and watching the drama that enfolds.....

sometimes i thought this show was all scripted.....its hard to believe so much drama could happen, but it also really really really complicated and realistic, so i don't know whether its real.......they always manage to find families that behaves exactly differently....families from different social classes, backgrounds......it always involves a family which is those 'can't be bothered' types, and a family that is really sucessful........but always, all families have their issues..... 'Trading Spouses' is like a mixture of 'supernanny' this tv show in china that switched the lives of a farm boy with that of a rich spoilt brat..(in china, there are both rural and urban areas, well you know, in econs, its the high unequal distribution of wealth..they are either really rich or really poor, indonesia also...)......the moral of these stories was always to establish good relationships(supernanny), and appreciate what you have(that china tv show).....in 'trading spouses', its both...

let me digress a little, the farm boy who went to live in the city, became exposed to the world of luxury, and swore to one day grab hold of it in life.....which may be good or bad, since he may start hating his present life now, this may overwhelm him or he may never get what he wants. the farm boy, was touched by the lives that the poor, and when the poor farmer overlooking his stay in the farm, gave up his entire life's savings for the spoilt brat to get a tour of the yellow river....the spoilt brat realised this and broke down in tears.......life changing experiences for both of them, but the spoilt brat had more to learn.....

well, supernanny, needs no introduction....you better have watched it, cos its no longer showing in arts central.........its always the parents' fault.....

'Trading Spouses' is more interesting...i rmb a few years ago, i watched a little of it, during 'primetime'(around 7pm to 10pm).......it showed a present hippie family....but thats all i paid attention to when i watched it a few years ago.......they had nothing in the house, except maybe for a refrigerator and telephone...they had no tv,couch, beds, no living accesses(excesses?)...in a small house with lots of people....they had a back yard, which a tent was pitched and they probably hang out there singing, sharing poems, meditate or close their eyes and feel nature and frequencies of ultra and supersonic sound.......

anyway, i'm not going into what actually happens, cos its much too long......the gist of it is, the sucessful conceited family is always so full of themselves...they always think that everybody loves them, they have no problems, everything is functioning well...blah blah blah, everything is well....usually really rich...but the wife from the fucked up family with problems usually really poor, will go in and find that everything is so peaceful and free of stress initially......but they'll soon realise that everything is so surface and many things are left unspoken....things are avoided and neglected, and problems are all covered up, not being brought to the attention of everyone, because the sucessful conceited family is always too comfortable to want to address these problems..they are always in self-denial...they rather accept that such problems never existed, so that they could go on living their 'happy' lives.....well, it really is just another form of isolation, (watch 'the village', by Night shylakamunsomething, the sixth sense director)....
one example, the traded spouse finds the daughter of the family having accoplished many things that one would dream of having their own daughters do....and she is only 15, she travelled the world, read many books, writes many books, is worldly in her views, good grades, enjoys 'art', the parents give her this sheltered and overacheiving upbringing..........but she is a loner in school.....no one likes her....she is in denial saying that she doesn't need friends and that she is close with her family....she is mature in the mind, but emotionally she is like a kid, having no social skills.....the traded spouse believes that every girl should be exposed to social life and all, have a normal upbringing.....she later realises that the parents actually planned it, putting her in girls school and stuff, being really restrictive but without the daughter actually knowing, but unconsciously she knows.....when the traded spouse purposely brought it up, and somehow made a 'confrontation' between the daughter and father....by first touching up on a light hearted issue such as dating......without their notice, it slowly revealed the restrictive father, and the daughter dying to get out.......the father would say something like, i feel it is not time for her to make such decisions, not ready and stuff............you get the point.....

the can't be bothered family also has their problems...and always, its the father who instead of playing the father role, plays the friend and good guy to his children....the father would always practise favouritism to the oldest son who gets all the attention simply because he enjoys doing the same things while neglecting the younger children or daughter......the traded spouse from a successful family would always come in, awkward situations will happen, and will think that she can solve the problem(believeing that her own life is what everyone should be living, imposing her life on others)...the family knows this, and don't gives a shit.....they know that the traded spouse is hypocritic and fake...so they always just play along unwillingly, but her plans will always fail because its so stupid.....like playing icebreakers and stuff, planning 'wholesome family fun' activities....and motivational camps....hahahahahah.... well, the problem in these families are always the inability to express their love for one another, everyone feels neglected and everyone is emo....everyone will say they don't give a shit.......

in addition, the spouse from the unappreciated family will always be immensely well-liked because she finally gets a chance to express her warmth and love and be returned the pleasure where usually noone actually gives a shit.......and the conceited mother will always realise that she has simply been talking too much..she should shut up and hold back, that no one really gives recognition about her accomplishments....and learn to socialise more and accomodate others...

i always never get to watch the concluding episode, because in the next episode, they actually show that the families actually solve their problems...well some don't actually....maybe to show that its realistic, and to cover up the script's failure for a suitable resolution if it was scripted....


anyway, the film that screened at 1pm on ch5, 'White Oleander' gave me deeper insight on some things.....it was showed at least twice this year.......the last time i missed a big part of it and decided to miss the whole thing... Today, finally got to watch it.......i was searching the internet for the script because its addresses so many things......they way it was filmed and stuff....i'm not really and artist and stuff, so i can only appreciate with the inability to express myself properly....but scripts to films are like lyrics to songs.....you really want to know what it says if you happen to miss it...

The mother, played by michelle phieffer, is an artist, and is an obsessive seductress who loves playing games and making guys want her.......she is really good with seducing and stuff, not only guys, but with women...she knows the deepest desires of humans, and know how to insinuate and mask what she wants...she has a large influence over everybody she meets, and get what she wants simply out of manipulating ppl.....but it is not without risk, as tampering with love, is volatile...it is like playing with bombs even if you're an expert, a bomb expert always dies in a bomb accident(like in 'Munich', where the guy larry? or something the french informant who gives info on the hits had said).......she is the strong independent woman, who knows how to get her man...."Never allow a man to stay, never apologise....."...all these only makes a guy desire her more...through keeping her distance...she also knows how to manipulate ppl and their temperaments....she always get what she wants by making ppl think that they are giving in by their own choice...its hard to explain, so i will not....she will make others be interested in her, so that she can exploit them...she introduces ideas that would flood the victims head through insinsuation without the victim realising it.......oh i'm making it sound like a thriller.............anyway, she failed on 2 occasions....she fell in love with a man and bore a child(which actually is the main character in the movie)......and 2nd mistake was she committed a crime of passion....usually she is the one manipulative..but when she realises that this man no.2 was only playing around, she got jealous, or unappreciated and killed him for not desiring her enough, or not being loved......

got these quotes from "http://community.livejournal.com/quotes/4819168.html"

"Now I wished she’d never broken any of her rules(i wrote above, never allow a man.....). I understood why she held to them so hard. Once you broke the first one(giving in and falling in love), they all broke, one by one, like firecrackers exploding in your face in a parking lot on the Fourth of July."

“Isn’t it funny. I’m enjoying my hatred so much more than I ever enjoyed love. Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you. Changes its mind. But hatred, now. That’s something you can sue. Sculpt. Wield. It’s hard or soft, however you need it. Love humiliates you, but hatred cradles you.”

"If evil means to be self-motivated, to be the center of one’s own universe, to live on one’s own terms, then every artist, every thinker, every original mind, is evil. Because we dare to look through our own eyes rather than mouth clichés lent us from the so-called Fathers…three cheers for Eve." something about not raising the daughter by herself, not some bible...blah blah...raised to think for yourself....then the daughter would say something like, you only raised me to think like you....

"Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way."

anyway, there is so much....to say.........i shall stop here..can't believe its 5 o clock now..............

i woken up finally........i know whats wrong.........its time to part with my insecurities... these needs, anxieties, self-conciousness...these negativities........ its time to be generous with the world, treat the world with respect........close up my mind, and open my heart........

now i will only look at myself and the past with disgust........


it happened the last friday night..... i was feeling sorry for myself again....i asked the skies what was wrong with me and my life..........i begged for the answers, i begged for change.....
the next day,
maybe it was the power of a supreme being or something, the God or the voice that i constantly prayed to led me to my answers.....i just couldn't stop thinking and reflecting.....i searched and searched, read and read...........everything that i can lay my hands on...............it felt like i was on my way to discovering something, due to my curiosity, i delved deeper.....and from then on, each and every day leading up to today, i discovered, or should i say, my eyes were finally opened....open to realising the things that were happening around me........for too long i have constricted myself, and shove myself to stubborness.........

no i have not turned religious, or decide to follow a religion....these were more like self-discoveries......i know that i have to should be more self-aware and less self-conscious.....the difference is, awareness is the objective view. consciousness is the subjective view, biased......to be self-aware is to understand how ppl perceive you, to be self conscious is merely to understand how you perceive yourself......even if you're right and the whole world is wrong, it takes more then simply arguing to get what you want...persuasion not argument....

i discovered that my insides were rotten......i am evil, i am hitler......and this rot will be radiated passively to everyone around you......... this means, Daniel's-Hello-Kitty-Loving-Blackie was right about me.(hope this doesn't offend anybody...)..haha..

and all these advices from my friends since years back that i failed to pay any attention to, were actually right..........

hmmm i don't know.....i may have countless epiphanies and revelations.......but the only difference that this is going to make is that i follow through with my actions now.................why was i always so bitter?........bitter about what? the frostmourne?

lol....studied quite a bit...and decided i need a break....my mind is really lazy i guess.......

omg...i just realised...from today onwards, and today its over, i have 1 month 1 week and 6 days left..........

i know i can cope with all the topics and all the subjects......but how do i internalise them in time....especially econs and gp................almost about 1 week for one subject......oh man.........

my prelims can bite the dust............i think i can do fairly fairly fairly well for my prelims i hope...........gotta get some eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees................................

sigh........

about that...............i'm totally confused.................absolutely confused......... i don't know whats going on, if its intended, or it simply turned out this way......anyway, whatever i do will have a consequence......so i better hope i'm rite.......its just confusing.......

yeah....i guess i'm ok now............... being emo and confused is how i normally react to probably almost everything in life.....i'll begin to understand..

should have just woke up from the start right? why bother in the first place......sigh....maybe i'll be back into that dreaded state again, i never know......??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
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i need some answers la........cos i don't know whats happening....i think no one wants me to know but i have all this doubts......imagine being blind, deaf...devoid of all senses and stuck in emptiness, like in a coma....like in death............. and i want to get out, for better or for worst...only the answers can get me out. out of feeling this way.....

I hope all of you reading this would understand, this is like the only place i have left to be who i truly am..........and again, i fall prey to my inner demons.....the enemy is myself......the last time i thought about the regrets that i had in life, and i just couldn't think of any....well, this is it.....i regret having such problems of self-esteem.......i wonder if everyone has this problem, well but mine is a huge problem........ i hope ppl will feel for me when they begin reading this... At the same time i really hope no one gets to read this.............

where should i start, in the train i had so many negativity running thru my nerves i could had stand straight.......of course, all the time before that during and after that......negativity is still in me....pessismistic this person that i am.........each time i think i about it, i just tell myself to walk away, i cannot let her see me in such a pathetic state...even i'm irritated at myself, how can anyone else not be....i wonder when i walk on the streets all the time, if i induce in ppl the urge to throw a punch at my face.............sigh........these self-esteem issues......these issues........

when i was sec1, my art teacher told me not to kill myself like kurt cobain.....hahaha......of course i would not, but even then, maybe because of puberty, i'm an emo person............but i want to change........

"And then the lover,Sighing like furnace, with a woeful balladMade to his mistress' eyebrow."

part of a poem by william shakesphere...............he talks about the adolescent years, in which every teenager will never cease to whine...................

and "Here I am, inspired to write only because I'm pissed off. "


she deserves someone better, someone who is stable, someone who has no issues, someone with security.....................and i guess that she probably found someone.......that someone is not me, or else she'll suffer......

last time, someone told me that i was hard to get along...........and i guess she was right too, even if it may just be an excuse........

not just that, everybody should just stay clear of me.............I have to change...........

and i should start by being enthusiastic right............HAHAHAHA.............like there is anything to look forward to now..........
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ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..................................how can i get this out..........it hurts like hell................

things are freezing up here....where i am......my mind is stale too......i wonder if things have change......i wanna know, but i wouldn't or couldn't even open my mouth........

together, we can tear the world apart.........

Need to scream. So filled with rage.

Now i'm back to the start.....should be studying, but due to the stupid chem paper....well stupid me actually........not much 'zest' left to take the other papers........ being sick was a contributing factor...... iwas feeling well the entire day yesterday, but until 11pm, i don't know why, my throat begin to have this sharp pain...and my nose became blocked or something......more than that, feeling fatigue and the signs of fever i guess...well just couldn't get to sleep and kept waking up in between the night.....and just felt worst and worst, and was deciding if ishould come to school at all....but then i would miss out on my paper 3 chemistry..ahhhhhhhh.......somewhere in between was a battle of conscience.......but when i decided that i must turn up for the paper, and to see her, my body gave in and i was sort of feeling better already......well, the strepsil i took helped a lot..........

well, went to school, no chances, no 'coincidence'....................................................................paper 3 well, i have to say it would have been easy if i had enough practise(we'll always be underprepared, i wonder why)............i don't want to go into which questions i've done, but anyway, it wasn't good, this time i put a little more effort into the examinations, but it wasn't enough........here goes my morale...........

...................................................went to see the doctor, so i'm not in such a good state, and i didn't take the mc when he asked me........what if it gets worst tomorrow....argh.............took some pills and coug syrup, and went to bed at 2pm.................woke up at 7 pm........wanted to wake up earlier initially to go back to school, for obvious reasons, but now its too late...haha.......i think had a little fever...but subsided due to medicine and sleep....had to sit thru dinner alone at home(my parents went for a concert) when i could be somewhere else.......was getting all emo and shit.....but even if i was there in school, i would be suffering from the symptoms......and i hate seeing ppl look pathetic, when they look so sick and frail but pretend to be putting up a fight by continuing with their daily activities, maybe to seek attention or something, causing ppl to get all worried, having to shower the person with all the attention.......... so it was better for me to be at home to save ppl the trouble of having to look at me, pathetic, and feeling miserable......

well, i guess its about time, school's closing right now...i can just imagine the students flooding out now under the night sky along the very long path to the bustop, some ppl being picked up by cars..........always felt that picture was beautiful..........its totally different from the morning, when ppl are more of rushing to the school.......at night, it signifies the end of an extremely long day......it quells the spirit, all the stress that has to be tolerated the entire day, to be let out altogether from a stroll....actually this feeling comes even if you're going home in the afternoon..lol, but i guess the night amplifies the feeling.....i'm going to miss this as school ends in about 5 weeks or so.......too bad i've been denied entry to retain............damn the teachers.........

whatever...i guess i'm going to put study till tmr.....sleep early and wake up early tmr to study...


...right now what i need most is my 'medicine'..........if you get what i mean............i won't get to have it till at least tmr.....

As humans, i think we have or think we have this ability to constantly try to look at things from a different perspective away from our selfish judgement........maybe for the purpose of just to be objective...

All humans saw things in 3 dimensions, length width height....besides that, we only saw 4 main directions, north east south west.....or if you consider north-east, south-west..etc to be among the directions, we have 8...........then we starting placing ourselves in another person's shoes.....

Galileo theory of relativity.......the relativity we learnt in secondary school..... we can now see things in another person's perspective....... With this, i guess we could see things from bird's eye view and all......besides the 8 directions, we have up and down.........put ourselves in a bird, and we just imagine how it feels to have more options then simply moving forward or backward....

Then came einstein and quantum mechanics, highly spontaneous ways of seeing the universe in different ways......rumoured that einstein could see things in fourth dimension, with time as being measured as a dimension along with space..(i think if we bothered to read the theory, i'm sure most of us can see the fourth dimension...)........also, he placed himself in the shoes of a photon, and then we can see things beyond what we can expect......cos our eyes only 'see' when light enters our eyes......time may be moving faster than we think it is, because the clock could be ticking much faster than when the light bounces of its surface to reach our eyes....or we become invisible when we travel at the speed of light, cos no light reaches our eyes..

Well, then there was the matrix, bullet-time was one of the best effects that was ever invented today.......... it allows us to move everywhere and see everything at different angles while nothing changes as if time stopped to allow us to do that.........It was done by placing many cameras around the scene to be filmed 'turned on' at the same time, filming simultaneously.....then the images of all the different cameras/angles from a single moment is joined together and played one after another.........not only can you acheive bullet-time...i think other movies later use this technique to simulate time freezing, and you can probably see rain drops floating in mid air(but you can always use computers though)....


now i wonder why ppl go thru so much trouble to view different perspectives....to explore or gain the truth?..... for me, its also about making a decision and the right decision.......right now i'm just thinking about it day and night for about 2 months i guess?

this is how decisions are made, cause-effect, cost-benefit, happy or not?..etc....whatever you want to use to measure....if you use any of the measures seperately, you'll will always always find them to disagree with one another.....i tried to combine or devise something.....which is probably related to what i was explaining above, viewing things from many perspectives(which, well not that original, we're constantly doing it...) to make a right decision..........being the indecisive fickle minded person that i am.....even all these will fail if we do not simply have the guts to push the button........

many ppl know, i take forever to choose something to eat in school, take forever to look at a menu(reading every single ingredient that is used in every single dish to decide which gives a greater flavour and taste, so that i'll buy it...lol).........and after reading thru everything, my decision doesn't even relate to whether which ingredients are best and which taste the best...i will always end up choosing something which i've never tried before......so i could have just skipped the stupid part in front of scrolling to look at everything..... its like painting many mental pictures of yourself tasting each and every dish and imagining how i would like it, or the pleasure i would gain from it,.........and in the end all these mental pictures aren't going to be vivid or even close to what would have happened in reality if we chose it.....so no matter how much one will consider, it is almost impossible to make the best choice out of purely contemplating, its more like a lucky draw really....

my recent entries, are really hollow and empty now that i'm putting myself in the shoes of a much higher and englightened being, version of myself.......

i keep going round and round and round and round and round and round in circles of how it would matter, will not matter, matter, does not matter, matter, won't matter, matter ,wouldn't matter.........how i've wasted my time thinking and thinking and just thinking, all of it to not much of use..........

it went something like......
"i gotta have it, since this would make me happy right here, right now.."...being caught in the heat of the moment, i would tell myself later i was just too excited over nothing.....
then i would try to put myself in the shoes of a third person....(or second)"its not important to you, get your priorities right..results more important"........
then i would place myself in the 'future' me..."you wouldn't even give a damn about whatever happens now...it wouldn't matter or change your life in the slightest bit"...
then in the 'alternate reality' me...."if i don't do this, i probably wouldn't regret so much as that it will destroy my entire life. However, if things were to happen the way i wanted, things would have been different"
then in the 'wiser alternate reality + future' me.."would i have been happy if things were different.....

my mind stops here, i don't think of anyway...greater than the future to make my decision...but it will not stop processing other ways to make myself feel better..."i'll let nature decide, whatever will happen, will happen...if she's yours, she's yours..." or
"you're negligible to the entire exististence of the human race and the universe........everything that happens is out of pure randomness"

some times in between all of those mentioned above, i will even go into placing myself in her shoes.........."would i choose 'me' if i was anybody else"....what makes me different, what makes me unqiue....its really just about value-addedness and quality right?..so i better go into R&D.....haha....more exercise, more study, more reading, more music, more arrogant, smell nicer, talk more, talk less, gain weight, lose weight, long hair, short hair, say this, say that, pretend to care, pretend not to care, hot, cold........whatever makes a girl tick.............then then then, after analysing between all of this, like ordering food, it wouldn't even matter.........i'll just try to be myself.....if she likes me, she will like me for who i am, if not, nothing i do will be sincere or genuine........

Now i'm looking back at all of this and telling myself, i'm just wasting my time....... i've got no good advice to myself, even though there are plenty of voices giving me quotes and telling me what i should do, how i should live my life, and none stands out from the other.......even the tone, perspective, of this cynic 'me' that is expressing itself now, will not be ranked higher than all the other voices in my head..just because i'm speaking in this voice now.......

wah......just more circles, and i'm right back at the start..................4 rights makes a full turn........
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ok now i will just stop blogging for a while now, since its going to be more crap and crap that really won't mean anything, even if it was theory of special relativity, it still doesn't matter, it will not shape the universe.........and my prelims are just a day away...........i will write something if its something worth recording and not another boring rant..........

yet another boring end to a boring week....but was glad i caught up with some my friends and shared all the things thats been bothering us...well gaining new perspectives as well....

regrets.....we all had them.......soon we don't even think about them enough to even affect our future decisions.

i rmbed the many bad decisions that i've made consciously and unconsciously.....blah blah blah...not doing something that we should have done.....but at this point of my life.....i've looked back today and haven't really felt that ive lost out in anything in life...we just continue to move on and look ahead in life...... this i guess is how any living thing would cope............

well if i don't study now, if i give up on my a lvls......if i give up on the opportunities and possibilities......would i really regret in future?....would i regret not knowing her the way i wanted?.............if i ended up sweeping the roads and cleaning toilets, would i look back in anger? would i then have taken the a lvls more seriously?...i wonder.......

i think i would regret........the reason why i haven't had any regrets now, is that up to this point, i must have been pretty sucessful in life, getting what i want until now...............

looking back at the past, relationships, upbringing....how would it have made our lives different from what it already is?

me sitting here and typing something like this just shows how fortunate i am...........

i better cherish life........ i've got nothing much to say, since i'm so unemo right now......

i've came to a conclusion, though i don't know if this conclusion will remain for the days after this......but its really just that simple....

the chinese saying goes, "shi ni de jiu shi ni de"....lol...lolololol............this is really corny, and everybody says this to you all the time......but its actually true.....i'm not a cheena guy at all, but i constantly quote chinese ppl simply because their phrases always seem to have drifted from a wise old man's mouth......

if she likes you she likes you........no matter how retarded you look, it wouldn't change a thing.........if she doesn't like you then it wouldn't matter what all the stupid sacrifices that you're willing to make for her.....sacrifices ranging from hunger strikes to not washing your hands after you pee(just exaggerating) wouldn't make her like you even a little more..

i've had my own share of loser experiences......once was simply being rash and stupid....so it really makes it even more difficult to for the girl reject you.....and that wouldn't help...another time,was mildly intersted and did something out of purely to have fun, totally random.....the end result? i was clueless.....nothing changed..... and i didn't really care after that......lol

bake a cake? splash hundreds of dollars to buy a handphone? hello kitty? flowers? steal a gun during night sentry? climb rapunzel's hair? i can give you thousands of gift ideas, love confession ideas...etc.. that all guys would commit but they never work unless there's that fundamental attraction that exists from the start...

everyone in this world, even the most arrogant would be brought down to their knees sooner or later, behave like a fool... unless of course you're qi huat the enlightened........

then of course thats just a theory....unless due to other factors which result in some exceptions...


hmmm...i've never talked about why i liked her, so i'll just record it here so i'll be reminded in future just in case i forget, or get amnesia tmr.......

there are plenty of reasons that make her overwhelming attractive to so many guys.....i always thought she was just trying to be miss popular, she was able to get all the guys to go to her......that was what i thought, simply because the grapes were hung too high...... her being irresistibly cute.....it is the other way around, guys go to her...(without trying?)....she's like nectar to bees, and guys, we're just dogs... i guess i'm a victim now, and i feel just as foolish sometimes, to feel this stupid is really beyond my understanding................

to add to the complication, shes too nice.....

sigh....i really wonder if its 'simulated interactions' for soemtime now..... its like when you !ping a computer, it !pings back......purely because its quite necessary.......someone told me to just get to the point and ask instead......i guess i will once all my priorities are sorted out.........but i think i already know the answer, i'm just holding on to a veil, something that does not exist....

at the end of the day........if nothing happens, all this will fade away in time....i will look back and see nothing.....another foolish endeavour, another trace of memory....it really should not matter....The gods are just making fools of us mortals.........

i wonder how it feels to be digging your own grave unknowingly....i just did.........

i guess i'm not going to write about the same things over and over again, cause its one big confused pile of uncertain i-don't-know-what.... my mind is simple......ahhh...i really don't know whats going on.......and i'm afraid of the truth at the same time.....lol..........

so let me just kick it away.... *zham!* ....



The world of anti heroes.....

i wanted to go into this, but i'll write a very long essay about it...that would really piss everyone off...........i wanted to, but i guess no one would be interested in my fantasies anyway...but its something so obvious that i'm sure everyone would have noticed anyway........so i 'll just make it real short...

Just wondering why Anti-social behavior is so celebrated in our world......I guess it really is the epitome of non-conformity.......why are rock stars so stuck up, but everyone worships them.....an the never-fail sympathy or admiration for anti-heroes in movies....You can dress like a punk, like slim shady........but then you'll just be a poser, like everyone else.....oh yes its the attitude, and its something you can't fake, have to be genuine about it............and its no wonder i identify some of these traits in me, because i'm overwhelmed by all the influence these ppl have on me...

i've heard from some adults that in this world, you have to be arrogant for people to treat you seriously....sincerely congrats to those who made it.....i just can't be arrogant to save my life......well, maybe in some aspects i am, but just couldn't see it.....

was in my room, and , heard a phrase that was being spoken on a chinese drama that my mom was watching......the phrase was "Nan Ren Bu Huai, Nu Ren Bu Ai"..turns out daniel was wrong after all....he says only girls in america, in western societies are attracted to bad guys, bikers and such.....

now, see the benefits?

Go on, go find a full-length mirror, when alone, point the middle finger and pose.....try to appear real badass......it will make you feel damn cool, serious......as well as look into your soul, through your windows, i mean eyes. Search real hard for the devil that lies inside you.......

Start using the F word if you wanna appeal to all the english-speaking-perfect-american-accent-never-been-to-america girls(wah, my engrish kannot make it la......so many hypens to describe something)......or Use your hokkien vulgarities with ah beng flair to turn the ah lians on.....WOOHOooo......

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wah i just couldn't resist it...i couldn't wait till some other time to fix it.....i bought myself some lego to play with when i passed by 'Brick World' today at plaza sing.....hahaha....i think when i start working or have some money to blow away....i'll go buy a big lego structure to play with...... when i was younger, i always dreamt about owning this fisher-price pirate ship.......but never got to......sigh.......now i'm going to start building a lego utopia.....

Thats been a question i've been asking myself again and again.......whenever i'm not studying, at home, and facing the computer.........

Good thing i wasn't at home today most of the time to ask myself this question...
Its so weird, it feels comfortable to be studying, i wonder why....its always so hard to beg myself to just sit on the chair for 20 mins....but today, i studied reaaaallly loooooooong......even though its drudgery....really was progressing very slowly.....but think it was worth it, though not worth the time........i think i really have to speed up on my workload, if i want to make it....

whenever i'm not studying,i just think of studying and that other thing i'm trying to put as far away as possible for now........

Tomorrow, i'm finally going to watch ratatouille(not sure how to spell).....in the morning of course.....meeting up with some of secondary school friends......then rush to study after that....still wondering if i should get anything.....well it doesn't matter if i do, cos it would just be something thats piled onto a heap of other somethings.....and since its impossible to exchange it with what i really want(you can't buy anything thats intangible, of course la, for everything else theres mastercard...-_-"), it just means i'm buying for the sake of buying or again out of good intent which is piled onto a heap of good intents.............so in conclusion, i'm not out to buy anything, maybe except my own shoes(which i'm searching for for nearly 2 years) or something that i like, unless destiny confronts me with something that i think she'll like.............then again, that probability is so so so so so so oh so so so so small.........

So i should just be looking forward to studying tmr, and every other day rite?!.............

HAPPY STUDY DAY!.....

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p.s. i'm starting to wonder if i'll begin to freak ppl out with this effort of not being emo.......look at how this entry sounds.... it sounds TOTALLY(americanized AC girls slang) like a man that's gay(meaning happy) fluttering(flapping its hands to imitate a butterfly, and hopping on one foot to lift himself higher..) about the streets proclaming that his happy and that everyone should be happy like him.....on drugs ah, like a hippie....'psychotic'......

This week i'll just wash my hands off everything.....its becoming like a burden sometimes..... i hope everything will reset itself.......toolate, cos i moved all the wrong pieces......

yeah i agree....i'm not a man yet.....last time this blog used to be called "thoughts of a lost soul"....hahaha...but it really sounded too emo....so i got it changed to "thoughts of a 'man'" to get and idea of maturity....the IRONY is neither have i stopped being emo nor became mature........lol......

sometimes i wonder what it means to be 18.....when i was a younger like in pri school or in before i entered school.....i always saw my brother and sister as adults when they were 18......so everyone was adult to me...........but i haven't had any feeling of maturity at all....i don't feel responsibility......i don't feel nothing........

i hope everything will sort itself out over time, over this one week, where i shall concentrate on my studies entirely.....i give up, let time do its thing..time will change everything, time heals all wounds......stop kidding myself with such going-nowhere agendas......

May there be enlightenment, maturity and rationality!