Thoughts of a 'Man'

Blame yourself for being such a useles piece of shit...Blame yourself that everybody that you love will hate you.. I am not trying to dramatise my life, but if my inner deamons does not cease to control my life.. i will hate myself forever.. Why am i always running away.. I am the freak.. Oh man.. What will she think of me now.. Everytime i have just about everything to say, but when the time comes to just do it, my nerves get to me... i chicken out.. Chicken out of merely having a concersation. What an idiot......

hmmm.....i guess all the negativity only brings things to the darker side....there are always chances of rediscovery even when things seem to be stagnent.....so i should always look at the possibilities right?

sometimes its good to have moments of stagnation, just like today.....it is so boring.......i've always despised boredom.....but i guess it was good today......nothing was around to grab my attention.....so my mind just begin to enjoy such understimulation.......such moments are important so that i can always look at my own life from an objective point of view instead of being bent by emotions.......

things begin to look simple...........

ok now i've really got nothing to say........there is really nothing much that needs to be emptied, thus i'm speaking in broken and ineffective sentences....aiyah.......

so this is it.....let everything fall into place.....

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so i'm back, after a some 10 mins or so.....with this sudden burst of emoness coursing through my veins...........oh i just feel that...........ah i don't know what i feel....maybe its just because i'm not getting what i want, thus feeling like an ass.....or maybe its just my face, which turns ppl off........or maybe this is exactly the obstacle i have to overcome....

well.....i'll try to be that less than 0.5% chance of hitting an atom and getting it....even though 95% of it is just empty space.....there must be some innovation required for all this..............

wah...all this is so hard, i'm oblivious to what she thinks..................im just not the alpha male programmed to manoeuver this harsh jungles and swampy forests......i guess it is a survival trait that there are some ppl who are programmed to run away from everything, and be a wimpy loser in order to stay out of the race, to keep one's life, instead of losing in a highly one-sided combat and die.....

In case you haven't already know.....matrix, the movie, was based on many philosophical concepts by this man called Jean Baudrillard.....from some book, Simulacra and simulation..i think.......many of the visual scenes in the matrix paints the expressions that the author has mentioned in the book.....such as the scene in the desert, where things in actuality is emptiness...

was reading some gp notes on modern consumer habits.....and most of it was quoted from this book.....saying that fast food, shopping malls, home shopping are all plastic, californiacation, where there is no variety, purpose, and meaning, goods and services,to earn your money, exploiting consumers for profit.........................like being sap of the electricity running through our nerves to power the machines, in the matrix.......

"The world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth."...one example mentioned in The Economist article was the ordering of fast food......When we approach the counter, the server will greet us with a set of preprogrammed, scripted, responses....like an NPC....we will respond accordingly like the 'program'(the server) was designed to make us respond this way...by ordering our food.......there is no real interaction here.....only a 'simulated' interaction.......we are not really interacting, but just exchanging some words.... Shopping malls, theme parks, casinos, victoria secrets(all examples brought up in the article...)....they are enviroments set up for us to spend our money despite what it proposes to be leisure and pleasure....all that leisure is simulated....it is a world that has been pulled over our eyes....the real agenda is really to exploit consumers........... which is why the construction of the matrix......to simulate us into believing that we are living a 'real' life of purpose......that we are walking shopping malls for practical reason...

many of the scenes in the matrix were really from this book...cool.....anyway, it got me thinking about relationships among humans....whether there is any sincerity to it.....or simply a simulated interaction.....buteven i am beggining to see some relationships as being simulated.....sort of hypocrisy, but more real than hypocrisy really.....its not out of intent, but of habit i think.....i'll talk more about it another time..........

anyway, hope all of this is real.............the people that we meet each day, the tasks that we do are of real purpose....

how should i be? what should i do? i'm caught with this impression, and that impression.....i'm so confused... what happens if i do something stupid..hmm....i will be in the wrong, but then....i may not be wrong........i wonder how many ppl are there like me......even if i'm not non-existent, i may be just another molecule out of infinity.....

the reason for me to think and feel like this just signifies that indeed things are less simple or less complicated that i think it is.....sigh.......... just observe observe observe observe observe observe observe observe observe observe and be honest to myself.

now i get a hint of how it all feels...........

seriously, its time to think out of the box.........be creative...if i regard myself as someone creative, then i shouldn't fail in this.......
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all this while i've been trying to be honest.............

sigh.....i really don't want to become a door mat.............i don't give a fuck about just being friends.......why fuck your own life up...............so really theres nothing at risk here rite?...there is no 'friendship' to begin with..................be creative...or else i should just fuck off.......

So i was considering the idea of retaining for a really long time....so i decided to tell my CT, lee eng seng about it......i told him that i merely wanted to discuss.......he said ok and to look for him in the afternoon....

the next thing i know, i was interupted from my physics tutorial and ask to follow him to see the principal......omg......i wasn't really prepared, but i was quite mentally prepared since i'm sure retaining is exactly what i wanted....so i went to talked to the principal.....the principal really got my hopes up for retaining thats for sure....she said she will try to help, and that i should get permission from my parents and the support of the teachers..but she wanted it before the end of the day latest by tmr morning...........my entire plan to persuade my teachers before meeting the principal so that they'll back me up when the time comes.....but everything was brought forward, so i only had time to tell them what i wanted, and not why i wanted..............

when i got home......quarrelled with my parents...even though i know its entirely my fault.......

sigh......i don't know if its good or bad....but she was worried for me......its good because its nice to have somebody that cares, whether or not she would have done so for all her friends......however, its really bad......didn't want her to associate me with anything thats bad and problematic...i don't want to be an object of her sympathy....i didn't really try to hide, but showed that i was calm and 'happy'...........

i woke up today, feeling great.......like i was going to retain.....to me....the a lvls is the death sentence.............but as soon as i got to school, i begin to feel intense fear and anxiety.............it only got worst at 11am when i bump into mr koh....and he said that all the teachers were aginst my decision to retain...........from that point onwards,...my heart took the plunge.....it popped out and sunk, hanging like a ball and chain on the ground.....teared a bit during physics lecture.......but stopped............now what has overcomed me is the immense intense fear and anxiety...........and having to hold it in for the next 5 hours is the absolute worst experience....just couldn't stop thinking about it..............especially during gp, was beggining to breath heavy.....if i do not retain, i really will die....

after gp, i went to find mr lee.......and told him that i really needed this......kind of could not hold it in and was unleashing a bit of steam and fury......too emotional for any good..........after a while, we went to the general office and waited....................down there, i broke down.......i really was trying to hold it in the best i could, it felt like it was the end..............what was even more fucked up, was that the principal said it was not necessary to see me anymore because she already made up her mind that she will not retain me......ah, don't know what caused it.......would have to blame it on the teacher's 'confidence' in me.......that may possibly ruin me..........i let go......the mr lee was trying to calm me down and all......not sure who saw me...because i was outside the GO, and many ppl passed by.......whatever........thats it......i just have to face the a lvls..........

i went to the the toilet by lt4, and guess was there for quite a long time.....had to calm myself down before letting anyone see me in this state...........i think it was about 40 mins where i just paced from the toilet to the railings to see the handball match from above......had to take a 'chill pill' and my eyes were swollen............felt like crap.....half the time i was thinking about her for something to look forward to................well, at the end of it all, i think i'm ready to face the a lvls...............

now onwards, would have to concentrate on my studies entirely....everything else, unfortunately, will have to wait.....leave it all to God's hands............there is every reason to do well for my a lvls now.....and not only to get into a university.....but to come out a winner at the end of it, regain lost pride.......and for the one and only motivation that i have in life, that is all i need for reason..............

In 'Tsun Zi Bing Fa'........burn all bridges, leaving your only option which is to face the enemy........

Well, LES reminded me of a story which i think i heard before.....i rmbed it because i read it somewhere and made a whole lot of sense......... Not sure if it was roman or what........this guy sailed to the island....and burnt his boat because he knows that its either the castle that he shall conquer or die fighting......left with no choice but one............

sometimes, being stupid has it consequences...... just being a little stupid can destroy everything.......
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19/8 2:51am

i guess things arent as pessimistic as i always picture it to be............. then again, music, friends, getting tired...fixes everything...............

heartache in the morning. daydreams by noon. anticipation in the afternoon. nervousness in the evening. shattered by lost at night. insomnia at the turn of day.

i have 2 major problems right now....where should i start......am i fucked up (as in i'm screwed and in deep shit) or am i fucked up (as in my personality and character is fucked up).....

i personality and character is fucked up..... during gp today, we were asked to write the usual air-lvl essay. i saw the question paper and there were so many things that i have always been interested in and have written on before. For me, every specific topic deserve to be written about only once....my one-too-many policy.....there was media, which i did once for common test this year. the internet which i did promos last year...there was no arts which i wrote about twice...science, i had this magazine that had all the right content for the essay, writing it would not be a challenge.....then, there was 'Character is more important than personality. Discuss.' ....i hesistated for a while...but knew it was the only thing i was interested in.......its those 'no link' essay where you easily fail......i did moderately well for such an essay just previously...so i thought ideas would just cave-in.....but it didn't.........................................................................

long story short, i know i was for doomed.......i knew what was it about, but either i could not express what i wanted to say, or there was just nothing to write about something as stupid as that.....not that there weren't any good points, but there was no coherence........

so i realised, i'm not really clear about my own personality and especially my character, let alone judge others..... this i'm fucked up......

felt like crap the entire day.......there is only so much before the well runs dry......before oil is depleted.......i hate it, it lasted for a month....i guess.......all because i'm afraid, shy, loser, sissy and gay..........i wonder how i ever grew up to become such a coward..........

anyway, i waited waited and waited until 3 trains passed me by......but i myself was to blame....i was that coward that ran away and allowed her to pass me by even before the trains did.........

i learnt a big fat lesson today......never be a fucking coward......while i can run from what i want most, what i fear most, what i need to do most......i really can't run away from regret....regret will be waiting for whoever that runs away.....

sigh...it wasn't the first time i've been running away........i've been running away ALL MY LIFE.........its no wonder i've become this regretful person....and like all things evil, that vicious 'vicious cycle'..........

i really hope its not too late....that things can be repaired....even though i'm saying this, i don't know if i'll still remain a coward tommorrow...coz actually i've been saying this to myself many times these days, yet i've not changed..........i beg that nothing is ruined.......

while sounding like all is cool...i really felt like shit like i haven't felt for some years now.....i know i will feel like this if i continue...........i will change........


the other fucked up,..............my academics......its crap.....my work is crap, knowledge is crap......Preposterousness. i'll elaborate further another time......i know i this 'death ray' will stay in me long enough for another entry...........

have to sleep for handball tmr....at least there is some cheer to life....hopefully...weird that this depressing entry didn't sound depressing at all..................

Tough nut to crack..........just when we think that we're larger than life...events will always occur to change that view...not that i frequently feel that way...but it happens once in awhile....i'm brought back to earth to realise that we are only mere mortals..........i only have part of the puzzle........a piece of insignificance which shape my entire existence......................animal planet and discovery channel seem to simplify the lives of mammals on television......as humans, i guess we like to see ourselves as different.......but whether we are, i will never never know.......sigh...

...................................lots of unrelated rubbish........................

i wonder if this is a battle i can win......a battle where all the odds are against me........i wonder if i'll choose to enter this battle.....may give up half way........this battle many are fighting, many are losing..........many have given up......some have gotten really really close....they'll probably be closer than i'll ever be in my life, they are probably stronger, wiser.....but they have failed...how could i ever hope to win........what is it do i need to fight this battle? i don't know....there are no books no souls that can be helpful...i really only have a choice to bet on my instinct.....and how about to deal with all the whores.....the foxes in sheep's clothing..................................many unforseen obstacles.....'minefields'

i've just recently manage to grip onto it....(imagine one of the bars on the outside of the train, common in action movie scences)...............not on my own intention, but being swept by it....i never wanted to visit,it just happened and now its inevitable.......from here i have to plan my next move, and i have been thinking constantly about it.....well, i haven't taken a step.....i have to take a step....it'll be bad if i take that wrong turn, or worse if i do not venture.............

"I'm on the high way to hell! And i'm going down.....All The way DOWN......."

ahh..just received some shocking news.........argh.................... fucked up world......luckily daniel was there to turn the guy off..........in everyway.........sigh...omg.................................................................................................................