Thoughts of a 'Man'

i was thinking of deleting this blog right here right now.....

i'm kinda feeling self-destructive now....for who knows what reason...i guess the music playing on my computer now is not resonating according to how i'm feeling right now.........

anyway, let this be a test then..........

I SHALL DELETE THIS BLOG ON the last day of this year.....marking the end of this pathetic existence...............

"Self-improvement is masturbation. Now, self-destruction …"


Can i bear to wipe away 4 years worth of memory. the pain, the tears, the fufillments, the struggling gasps, the wails of triumph............................

if i could, i would have probably already pressed that button.....

as much as i hate myself, could i bear to let myself go.........clingy emotional attachments................

if only there was one way to bury this deep somewhere so i will never see it again, but still know its out there.............i do not wish to carry this habit with me till i grow old........

WHAT I REALLY NEED NOW, is PICK UP THE GUITAR, PICK UP THE GIRLS..................

if deleting this hurts.........let it be a lesson to me.......let it be so i will not repeat the last 20 years over the next 20.................

i can't help it but be so negative....and i can't prevent others from seeing this side

The dance floor is a trap.


TO BE CONTINUED

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I often ask, challenge myself.......Would i let mediocrity get in my way, form a mist that clouds my vision.............i've used this analogy before, of a fish in a fish bowl...............of the frog in the well....why be satisfied with only the things that you have? satisfaction will not bring happiness.............at the point of satisfaction, is where depression lies.......the battles i fight everyday, the unhappiness, the unsatisfaction.......the pilgrimage towards that which is elusive, being conscious of the fact that life now is mediocre........

enough of the above being said, no wonder no one reads my blog, its a pain in the ass.....emitting negative energies only pushes others away.........mine is a cry of desperation for attention..........

something everyone will understand...............because we are all ONLY HUMAN...




I FEEL LIKE DELETING THIS WHOLE DAMN BLOG.....I WANT TO GET RID OF THIS PART.........literally, but my conscious mind is telling me not to.............................all these years of amassed emotional self-expression of the human condition................i want to deny this part of existence

i just woke up awhile ago, 1443.........

it felt as if i have been sleeping thru the past few days....i kinda feel trapped.....i was falling into nothingness while the whole world was passing by before my eyes.......as i try to swim my way up its not like the world has seemed to stop.

i realised my pattern of blasting music on my computer..........its in my instinctive nature to do so wherenever i need to be knocked in the head with a coconut, so i can get up again and be productive..........

just a short diversion, this new song that i've put up....i've been listening to for the past 4 years.....
its just one of the many good songs that this band, Asian Kung-Fu Generation has produced. i think in terms of music, style or whatever, every song of theirs is catchy and a definite hit....something probably most musicians want to do, but put it off using the excuse of playing sad songs.... and i don't even know how big this band is in japan or around the world, i'll never know if they are the biggest band in the world at this moment, simply because there is no statistical way of ever finding out....... anyway, i thought this song was a good slap to my face...cause it has relieved my hangover(metaphorically) nicely to face challenges again tonight.......


well..............i learnt so many things the past few days though, that i could not possibly have wrote it all down here....but it would definitely make good bedtime stories...............i've got to constantly remind myself of them.........

Insecurities and emotion are constantly being communicated through our facial expressions and body language, i've never realise it was so easily read...esp when you see ppl being affected stongly.........i guess i've revealed myself this way countless of times before....our minds are actually so sensitive and socially intelligent towards all this cues.............even silence is communicating so much...





And i was wrestled into submission with this words. "Ha ha ha, Sargent, why are we suddenly talking about this? we were talking about something else, then suddenly came to this. You very random."
i don't know if you got the msg.....but i was trying to dominate the conversation, set a frame,grip their emotions. but maybe i was too obvious, or they too were so aware in detecting this...that they kicked me where i was vulnerable

this blog will undergo a very big restructing in terms of content.....

i've briefly got an idea....oh well....but shall not post anything up today.........

FOR ALL YOU HATERS OUT THERE... :)

i see a massive shift in the alignment of the stars.............

black hole sun, won't you come, wash away the rain

as cryptic, nihilistic, ridiculous i may get...........................

today i've felt that i've made that effort...........really hard goals that i'm striving for, myself stuck to glue of dread, lethargy.......................i yearn for that change.....i guess everyone who reads this will know what i mean....

this is from the bottom of my heart......life puts you down.......to suceed, things have to seem unreachable.......... fear will pull you in circles...........

i could not explain my mood today.....months of self-exploration has revolutionised my systems........i felt like shit today, had 3 hours of sleep last night, came back slept a while more........the mental barriers never shifted, it still remains..............but reactionarily, i ignored all that and kept walking........never deny your desperate grasp for existence.........

some of you might have played it safe all your life.............some of you got it some of you don't.......many do not........some of you do try, but still within limits and comfort...............simply put, relying on friends, rolling in groups, not realising you've place an entire life, a bet in the hands of others....................in the words of mark renton, "never let your friends tie you to the tracks"

i don't know how slow all this is going to be...........how long i'll have to plough through this desert with a plethora of random beings...........tie bang mo chen zhen, grinding metal rod into needle.......i've felt that higher order of emotion today.....not the usual ones, not pain hunger fear or excitement....not happiness sadness anger or curiosity..................more like revelatory kind of emotion...............mind discovers something new, rewires your circuits....not like this was the first time...but it still feels great...........its part and parcel of what i'm going thru.......

how many degrees of change occured today...probably minimal.....................

i look to tomorrow for that courage.....it better be a whopping amount.........i've overrode my insecurities many many times.....but never to that extent that i'm expecting.............................


i am living in hell.....harbouring a fact......denying instant gratification, denying hedonism, denying escapism, burning my bridges and my boats...............................accepting pain, accepting responsibilities, demanding standards................

to be inhuman for the sake of survival.........

................................................................................................this is a bad post............even blogging to me is an addiction....

i kind of have some stories to tell.............but...got no time to waste.

omg......what if you woken up one day, barely opening your eyes...you enter the bathroom basin to wash your face, look into the mirror and realise..................





a entirely different person that you've never ever seen is staring back at you.......





that person is you, but... you try your very best, stare in deep and hard into those eyes





he has the same eyes, hair, mole, features as you have every other day, but for some reason, it just doesn't seem like the usual, well....you.





you've never seen yourself in this way before, out of all the times you've stared at yourself thru the mirror for the past 19 years, this is the first time you feel as if , you're viewing yourself in a different light, a different set of emotions seeps in that is different from before..........





you but not you....





i don't know how i can explain this.....the best example i can think of is this...