Thoughts of a 'Man'

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this will be a short stop......and an urgent milestone event in life...when i've decided to relieve all past experiences and trust in the name of experiment....

this is of no importance, and i expect no outcome....its time to do something which i do not usually do.....

i know of this girl, who eats an entire apple. literally. except the seeds and stem and 'asscrack?' of the apple.....its weird...i know....and the faces of ppl when they hear of it....they raise their eyes brows so high....and their big bright eyes opens so wide, not really to look at anything...but to depiece the piece of information that theyve just heard...

i went for the green apple....green apples,....shiny and they look plastic..i bit thru the crunchy flesh that composites an apple.....holding it between the 2 'asscracks' with my left thumb middle and ring finger....spinning it with my index at every bite....

*snap*, i'm done.......it was less than a min that i begin to react by wanting to put that apple down...sad, but its no longer desirable...a marriage that has failed to work, depleted and worned out......i told myself, i'm gonna eat the entire apple, just like that girl...if i do this, i would have done what 99.9% of the modern world's population has failed to see....life's short, at least i've done it before.....

imagine a fat plump man reduced to bones...that was the state of my apple...and i was not going to leave any of that lying around.....my friends saw what i was doing...."You can't be serious!"....hahahaha....i said.."whats with the big commotion, whats wrong? i'm just tinkering with my surroundings"

NO....i did not sink my teeth into it upon my self pep-talks in my mind.....i merely took mini bits of the remaining core milimeter by milimeter.....theres that boundary within my mind that prevents people from doing STUPID THINGS, and think of something useful instead.....my friends decided to cheer me on.....their movements, that tension and energy building up within them that you could tell from their movements.....they're beggining to realise that they are witnessing a grand event unfolding before their eyes....

immediately, i broke the core into 2 .....and took the entire half into my mouth.........spat the seeds out.....i was holding the other half by the stem....i lifted it up above my nose....the final hurdle before my job is complete....i tilted my neck up and placed it into my mouth like a cherry, tugging at the stem to pull it out.............

well, that wasn't so bad.........that REALLY ISN"T SO BAD!...........

what a great lesson learnt...i've conquered dark alleys like that before just for the adrenaline, just for the human experience.............






well, here, the caveman does, a stone thrown from the clearing outside, into a cave...plunged into darkness....


i'm that stone..

i'm ever-increasingly closer to the dead line, time will not standstill, time waits for no man!

all this time of acquiring knowledge, its what my mind has been running on for the past 7 months...i've been nourishing myself with such nutrition, but my physical state has not strayed one bit closer to ideal...........................

sure i've learn somethings, managed to lay control over certain aspects, heightened awareness.....

but again and again, it boils back down to the same thing.....i keep coming back in circles to the same problem...........FEAR

i have eradicated all limiting beliefs that constricts my consciousness.....fear holds my ability hostage....its probably the hardest fight i'll ever have fighting against the odds... more than 90% of the mind controls all subconscious functions....while only a measly 10% we have control over..... well, i hope this urge, this subconscious urge, is raising a revolt against itself.......

We are evolutionarily designed to live amongst a society of people which no longer exist.............fear has absolutely no relevance and context in modern world..........even in sparta...watched it months ago....way back....my FEAR must evolve into EXCITEMENT....my mind has to read it that way.....

why are humans so self-aware, selfish and yet feel so puny standing in front of other human beings.....

recalibrate

consider this

I will no longer never ever make a point again. This being the last point i make.

how ironic.

This guy, or more like many guys that i've meet.....they use technical words, jargons that nobody understands....to communicate their exclusive social membership.....

ah lian, emo, rocker, artist, stylist, i'm a guitarist, i'm a drummer, i come from rjc, potm, sk....

i'm sorry, my auntie just entered the house and her prescence, her loud irritating i-am-the-boss voice, infringes on my train of thought..

how come the thought of mp3 players invariably leads to ipod? the thought of fastfood leads to macdonalds?...why do they dominate society, over all other brands.....

i was walking down paragon and ngee ann city, and all the high fashion names that i pass by......every entrance is marked by tall glass doors, glittery shiny metallic glossy poles, pillars, and frames......all synonymous, with no single label that struck at at my heart, yielding me to go in.........they need to review their marketing strategy.....

i've been getting tired of explanation lately....so i will not go into anything longwinded.....i 've been having all these conversations with ppl....sometimes when it comes to trying to elaborate something, i become too wordy, too wishywashy....trying to convince them to reassure that my beliefs are true........the assurance that evangelists get when they've manage to convert somebody.................it had brought up some negative emotions amongst the interaction, and i'm calibrated to avoid it..............

too many ppl try too hard, to try an convince ppl to perceive them in a certain way.......i see many tattoos and cigarettes in camp........and not all of them that surround themselves with tattoos and cigarettes are the persons that they try to get across...........girls fill up their profiles with full of irrelevant pictures, statements, aligning themselves with ppl in this sick delvaluing fetish....what are they trying to prove?

apple never claim its products to be stylish...........

'haha' to state a point but defuse its offense.....a 'haha' is returned to submit to that frame.

Laughter is a form of social submission. Laughter is built-up tension being released.


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this week, mind-baffling.....i foresee the next couple of days to be the same as i aim to keep up the tempo of self-discovery, self improvement, thru self-destruction................................

this week, my brain is truly messed up with the world around me flushed into it........

i don't know where to begin and i kind of do not have the time to properly reflect(is this a blessing?) even now....

now, where do i begin......its ironic because...i don't really have to have any material to produce, anything concrete to give, for all i want you guys who are reading this to purely feel for what i'm going through now........

everyday is a discovery of something new....even if it means that i got slapped in the face on the way....i get angsty, but the higher order part of my mind seem to be ignorant, impassive(how weird rite? impassive and passive means the same thing.....how opposite things actually mean the same process...more later) to the emotions driving my behaviors and reactions......i would do something, and right at that moment i would question myself on that baseless stupid action that i just did..........like leaning in.......

awareness is the right word....to be aware of practically everything thats happening around and WITHIN you.............is that good?...bad maybe, but definitely useful....why would anyone scrutinise every little thing that he himself does, from where he places his hands to how he moves his eyes..........to lock a consciousness to the subconscious.........i wonder if the subconscious exist within anymore, or it has moved to a whole new ground, elevated to somewhere which i need it................

the ugly side of ppl...their desire to fit in the rest of the world, as if everything they do will warrant opinions from others...like they care...we simply exist within us, so pathetically, TRAPPED.....................self-worth...............how much is your frame worth in contrast to others?
but all we want is to be free.....to be free of others judgement...instead we punish ourselves first by puttin ourselves through out own judgement..............

have i said how much i've understood the phrase, so cliche, repeated time and time again in kung fu movies..."you are your worst enemy"....

when i first heard it which i could not remember when, probably from raiden in mortal kombat or something...............it sounds freaking lame, i just could not recognise where it was coming from..........

until i realise concepts such as insecurities and demons within ppl........fear, that at the face of every challenge, that it is not the difficulty of overcoming it, but the reluctance of facing it....

ppl seeking liberation and perfection trap themselves within the 'rat race' for the neverending quest of accumulating wealth, hedonism, affluence..........that this is to truly be free???.....freewill comes at the expense of others judgement of you which you just cannot avoid.....wherenever you do something which is unpopular....everyone WILL shoot you down, this is not a consequence but a transition.....if you ever Stand up for yourself, despite all the negative pressure and manage to succeed, nobody will ever open their blardy mouths to bite at you again...

remember life is merely 28,251 days of time......you are watching yourself die every minute.........why the fuck is your heart beating, if you were meant to wait it out.....(excuse the pep talk to myself, i guess i need it).........

i speak enthusiastically to everyone around me, but i barely got the will to push myself..........for that i've been feeling unrelentlessly sorry for myself.......................

go carry out that dream every step of the way....

Thanks pretty, for letting me see that ugly side......*sadistic laughter*...........i'm now convinced, that weakness lies where it seems to be the strongest like bullies bully as they are bullied, mockers mock as they are mocked............

well, it is important that the things we say have situational relevance....but there are millions of ppl out there....you can never address the entire world.....but merely target a select group...a select insecurity

i am addressing humanity(excluding the african tribes)....that goes out to all of you that has access to electricity, to computers, to the Internet.

with the passing of friendster and the oncoming onslaught of facebook(which i've yet to patronise), with it comes with whole new ways to express your individuality....walls, superwalls, pokes, superpokes, applications games.............to be direct....whole new level of flash game.......

the underlying concept, flash game is a tool to develop social proof, but if misused creates negative social proof....

there are the ppl that get it and the ppl who don't...i use to think that girls get it because of their advanced emotional intelligence..........but to measure value for value, rule for rule against guys....limits the truth....

maybe they're adept in real-time social situations....

but



oh well...its 3 o clock.............to be continued...