Thoughts of a 'Man'

I just realised how less of a person i am...a lesser being or whatever.....i have so much ideas on what i want to accomplish...but even if i got to doing it..i never give it all, never tried hard....always did barely enough, and somehow sometimes, rarely scrape thru.......

much ideas, much dreams...uncountable

I am a man of much dreams......but not of enough will to match them.....and now i lay helpless once again......next year i'll be 18.....and wasting 2 yrs in ns....i'm already really behind than many people which i admired.......i woke up this morning with lots of pain in my eyes...and i still do feel it now...12 hours after.....and i told myself, not to destroy, not to ruin the best thing god has given me.......................use it to my advantage and with it, my powers.......

GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

now another ......ah...whats that word..........i see the light that is......

all those mantras which i coined which i don't mention to myself everyday should start now!!!..............but i can't go about all these thru die hard determination....its not determination after all...its the interest with whatever i'm doing in the first place....now where am i going to get that, or more of that, if those that i have now is not enough to turn this turbine?

once again, for myself, i prove that giving up, giving up hope gives me strength.....giving up the hope to be comfortable....gave me strength to tolerate the cold which i do not feel, and the weather......................

i wanted to burn furiously on this entry, but i guess i took a step back and gave up...there is no point...

"Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness"- The Architect

it wasn't this quote that i discovered the fact, but the 'fact' that i realise this quote...

sian life is just plain.......from tmr again, i'll have a long schedule to follow, which i don't know if i want to......hockey 8 to 12............cip 3 to 8.......can die, reach home and watch tv for 7 hours...lol....


The camp is fucking screwed..................................blogging is stupid, got nothing to say,.........just disappointed at this point of time with everything........

well, i went to the funeral today, after going for venture meeting.........this experience, my observations.....had been not what i've 'expected'...everything that happened had been awkward i feel.........don't know if i'm going to send him off tmr.........................

sometimes...if we are not careful, we might just lose the ones we love dearly....seeing yesterday and the scene today....was quite depressing....hard to explain too.....

anyway, something like this could happen to just about anybody..........all i can think of is cherish people, love them when they're around...

as for me, i don't know how its possible....i feel that i am quite distant from peoples' hearts............i'll try i guess.....hope its not too late.......................

another thing.......i don't know if i'm tuned in the same frequency........picked up faint faint signs?.....i keep thinking that its just me thats being hypersensitive......anyway, from past experiences, its just not possible......sigh....don't know what to think of it...............another delusion.....since evidence plainly states that you're left out of the picture, non existent.....

stumped....i just received news that something had happened........an uncle of mine tried and did something...his brother called at first and asked to look for my father, but i was the only one at home....than his father called, and asked for him again....now i heard his mum crying...i thought they were robbed or something....than his father called again because he couldn't reach my father.....i could hear the situation through the phone that it was really tense.......than he said something like my uncle just did something to himself, don't even know if he was telling me, or that he was just telling someone at the scene....than my father called them, as i can hear thru the phoen that someone else was now picking up the call from my father.....

10 mins or so later, my parents got home...they don't know what but was going to rush to my uncle's place.....i told them what little i know......so they made a few calls then went out...probably to his place........

I don't really know what is happening right now, but i'm guessing from what i know...

Why are they gathered at my uncle's place and not the hospital?...maybe he is alright...................................than i realised that if they are not rushing to the hospital that could mean a few things...that he is indeed alive....while on the other hand, they are not rushing to the hospital because he is already.........

I hope that nothing has changed for my close relatives.........

i wasn't as close to them as my parents and siblings were to them as they used to live under the same roof before i was born.........but they were a big part of my life during my time when i was young, and still a small part now..........

i wanted to go with my parents and be there right now, but they were in a rush, and i haven't changed yet.......................i want to be with them when they are facing such a situation right now....................................................should i go there now??? call me parents up and get the address head down there myself?

i'll post again soon.......

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i decided not to go there...it is so late, and i might end up doing something stupid and heating the situation worse........

....still praying and hoping all is well....................

having all the 'oldies' not so old...50s 60s 70s? playing on my comp now....what an effect....sound quite good, but shity as well.....

i think its time to neglect...

by the way....if you've been observing these days...the full moon happens to have a halo around the it....seemingly like an gigantic eyeball above you, or some alienship about to come abduct you...wonderfull...first time obeserving it.. me and godric thought it was the moon that is directly above us...lol...but its not hahaha..stupid man....the moon is always directly above us, and always visible....(when dark, it is still tehre).................

halo appears because its winter now, and there are plenty of ice in the atmosphere, thus thru refraction, i guess due to greater degree of refraction, light that should be surrounding the moon is refracted further and thus a halo...i guess?

anyway, life is fucked up man......hockey camp was alright i guess....enjoyed it quite a bit..........a bit...it wasn't anything bad...though maybe part of the team felt it sucks, but i guess its ok....and as for unpleasant stuff that happened, i sincerely think that it was mostly the fault of our team itself...everyone just lazy siah...........want to go home, everybody just sit and look while some others clean up...can help and can go home earlier rite...as well as being selfish and all...ah....ok la, its not like they have bad intentions....wanna say it out, but its not like anybody will see my perspective....
the good part, was more or less the interaction during the camp..just talk and talk, don't have to worry about anything else.......supernatural to religion to war to politics and concluding with judgement day(stuff we talked about on the last day)........haha...Remember the Titans(movie) was great too.

anyway, finding it hard to even get on with the next few minutes of life...feeling like this all the same, all the while....deciding if to sleep now...didn't sleep much last nite, and i don't know if to go to sleep....boarded the train towards the wrong direction just now and had to waste 15 mins to ride back excluding the supposed trip i should have had...........unconciously....i felt how stupid everything was, and how i was....everything is stupid man....sometimes in life, you could be so sure about something, believing you could be doing something or moving in the right direction, all until you really realised you've seriously fucked up....whats worse than this now is absolutely not having anything in mind......music to me more of a hobby than a passion(haven't been playing)........i need something to drive me.....

now i can't tell the world that music had saved my life.

will be going to sleep now....sorry for i have whined again..............

I wonder, i hope that some idle and restless person will identify their own lives similar to that of mine after reading my blog....LOL...sorry for bad english....