Thoughts of a 'Man'

i'm so bored...these few days...its been really anti climatic for me....i'm an isolated island....everyone seems to be busy with their lives or just worrying about their problems, and not appreciating their present lives and all the time they can make use of to do what they like....and me, i'm just worrying about tutorials...it seems that i am so unclear of everything taught since week1 one..its week 6 now...

my friends....well, every thing doesn't seem well with almost everyone i know...no one seems to be enjoying life...for humanity's sake, everybody should just die....lol...

went to west coast park today.....had lots of memories around this area...theres this strange aura....maybe something happened to me in my previous life in that area...anyway, used to stay in dover road when i was young....my father, always brought me and my old brother and older sister to west coast park...lol....its like my bro and sis, can't be bothered all the time...they're like so much older...but they still went, because it was a family thing......but when times were better then, i guess the family was a family....(well, now its not)..........also ginza plaza was like a temple to me when i was young....its my wonderland..i don't know what attracted me there...but when i was young, my father always brought me there to go for a walk....lol..i used to dream about that place...hahahaha..for god sake, its just a shopping mall...i forgot if it was 'happening' ten years ago...but i like the atmosphere then, because of the dim lightings there.....now, its a torn down shopping mall...

the further i go in life, i just can't stop thinking of going back in time to do things that i have wanted to do.....well, she stays in pasir panjang...i still remember those times when i sent her home,...and i get really really sad just leaving her each time, yes i was overreacting, and well, you know, i'm a depressing little man...she was the first relationship i had...its not good, its not like there was any love, (now that i think back about it...)...but still, once, we were close....and everything was wrong...there was no good reason,and well at my age that time....i shouldn't even have a relationship(not that it lasted very long)....but everything felt right, i was at one of the happiest times of my life....well if you think back, there were many times one is happy in life...sometimes, you dont need a good reason....you don't have to get anything out of it even....met her today, well i couldn't care bout whats happening with her life, sure hope shes happy, but tell you what, i bet she hates me.....most ppl who know me probably do....maybe not hate, just really sick of me..whatever she does, i hope she does well....

life is really short ppl.....and now, i spend every single day worrying about homework, don't even have time to ponder about social commitments...the chances of me retaining now, is almost 50-50...i say 50 50, because i don't want to exaggerate.....

well i miss my family....what was family....i have a brother, a sister, a father, a mother, a grandmother....my grandmother is in australia....i don't think she'll come back that often anymore.....maybe not even once a year...i miss her too...wherenever she comes back, she buys lots of cookies cakes, chocolates chips, and fresh choclate muffins and pastries...you know how pastries from 'ang moh' countries are like...very big, and very nice...nothing like anything you can get in singapore....well, my uncle in australia...he is very generous....he gave me money to award me for doing well in o levels, haven't got a chance to thank him yet....well i have nothing to say to my grand mother...all my life, i haven't said anything meaningful to any of my family members...haha....i know many ppl don't...its not like in those chinese drama serials...where ppl say touching words to each other...its not like that in real life...other than baby gibberish that i delivered to my grandmother when i was young, i guess, nothing of me made her proud....

well my sister, the last time i saw her was during cny....and....well, i miss everybody around me just the same......she didn't make it in life.....went to the bar she works in once....don't know if she is happy of the life she is living now....she brought herself into it..can't blame anyone, she used to argue with parents all the time, she left home, and being the tough person that she is, (i respect her for that)....she didn't came back like most ppl did after a few days...after the day she left which was about 10 yrs ago..., she didn't came back for a long time, i couldn't remmber...she didn't stayed with us anymore...but she came back for dinner sometimes now that things have settled down....though it is very seldom, maybe 3 months...or less...

my brother, don't know what his doing also....the family placed all the hopes on him i guess....well, he just doesn't want to suceed in life...thats how he thinks, i guess its ok.....don't talk to him a lot also....used to disturb me a lot when i was younger....but now very little words are exchanged in the family....he is still staying with us..i see him only on weekends, for a few hours...how to talk, when all of us are of different generations.....my siblings are like older than the most of the teachers in the education system....and well, on the other side of it...wasting their life it may seem, they seem to be the ones who made the most of their lives....they looke younger than most their age...and still they're having fun...my siblings are what i am today, they influenced how i think, the music i like, the way i behave, and for making the nihilistic person i am...

my parents used to restrict me a lot...now its over..well, i'm quite rebellious throughout my time with them.........since a very young age, so were my bro and sis, i wasn't very very rebellious joining gangs and all, buti dared to go all the way to piss them off....or just shut them out when i want to....with most of it happening during sec1 and 2....there were pros and cons, for always leaving the house out of anger, and crashing my friends place, when i was that young, they started loosening the leash before i entered sec 3....hear all my friends complain about their parents all the time.....unlike me which my parents let me do almost anything i want, i fought hard for it...hahaha....

now, i don't communicate with anyone in the family....my parents gave up hope on all of us....maybe still have hope in me, because i can still make it if i work hard now...i want to suceed, they may not be my 'parents' but they're good ppl, i want them to die happy, i want them to justify why they even started a family in the first place....

we don't talk since i was sec3, as in really don't talk....they're out of my life, and out of my thoughts entirely....i've got past the arguments and everything, and now they totally don't care..now since things have settled down.....i guess they have tried talking to me....they gave up trying to reach out to their kids...but now, we say nice things to each other nowadays...i guess, its to give in to each other, to make things look better....

i am lucky compared to most.....ask me if there is anything i would like to improve...i don't know what to ask for...because everything just sucks...

i guess i'll stop typing, i'm quite sick of the way my words are coming out...

ah....1....2....3......ok, i'm out of my self pity.... :)

being evil and powerful is great....but even that, it can't help you control you life....life is really plain and bleak rite now...its good to have friends around, when you are this bored...lol..i want to train my hockey so badly...i was hitting the ball around at home....it got the nieghbours under my floor pissed....lol...they have a baby and all...i'm so crap, i made so much noise i didn't let the baby sleep..

'I hit the ball with my hockey stick(lol)
That got the baby pissed and he couldn't sleep.
The neighbours came up to negotiate,
and i guess its time i have to stop.'

wah..haha....quite lame...anyway, going to watch hockey match later....SRC vs CSC....have to learn and watch tactics....have to rush my books too...and finish enough by 6 to justify watching the match....worry that my muscle pull is going to stop me from training for another week...sigh...its so anti climatic, but i guess i still have a long time.....

also, i've gone back to watching her from far again...well, its probably what i'll be doing for the whole year, since this seems the best of situation possible....shes happy or somehow getting back up, i don't see anything that i can do to help.....

if life is short, well it is really short from my perspective....it doesn't really matter if i don't do what i want before it ends...coz after all, it makes no difference....

ok, back to hockey...i'm addicted...well like coach says...it doesn't matter if you win or lose...just have fun..thats the spirit he wanted....well, heard this many times from ppl, and i guess this is what you should aim to acheive in everything you do in life...just have fun...doesn't matter what you gain out of it... Jay Adams, zboys, commented that it was just fun skating, but once it became a competition, it just got too serious.... Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, music was part of his life, not necessarily a passion, but when record labels sold their albums, putting pressure on them to make money....it just wasn't fun anymore...On his interviews...he always said 'his songs were for fun'...he even went to the expense of asking his 'fans' not to buy his album, Bleach.....to prevent Nirvana from being mainstream music, critisicing his 'fans' for being blind followers...'In Bloom'....Look at Guns 'N' Roses, well there wouldn't be a break up if it wasn't because of the pressure....

People's lives are ruined when things they enjoy become a chore............well, whatever makes me happy and of course, whatever makes you happy, i'll stay out of it is the sacrifice i'm willing to make....

no one will read this...if there are readers....assume anyhow and what you want out of it...i don't know..

Oh yah...being botak isn't all that bad...it is convienient....it isn't 'cool' like you clouded 'punks'....but being botak, THIS IS PUNK....lol..it isn't really nice....but it just natural that ppl judge, and i can don't care and just be arrogant..lol..

oh yeah....the PRC scholars are cool....they experienced so much so little ppl have the chance to..so exclusive...wish i could have led a life like that, doesn't matter if i must study 24 hrs nonstop, 7 days a week..i'll do anything for non-conformity and anti-society...maybe i grew up in Singapore thats why...

i'm so tired but i just can't sleep...well, i just can't stand it anymore....things and emotions got the better of me, and well....i'm so detached from life right now..i wonder if ppl like me just have to behave like that....i don't want to start all over again....since the beggining of prelims last year to today, was a break for me...nothing drills deep enough to get to me...today was one of those days i am just too familiar with...sometimes, things which are meant to be right just don't happen...i still have got so much homework, and even though i tell myself i'm going to change once i enter jc.....................................................don't even want to think about homework.....my morale is in an all time low...injured my leg.....feel like shit....i just don't wanna be around ppl anymore, and it will hard to get out....can't believe i actually let myself go through with this all over again...when i promised myself never to put myself in such a position....no one will ever understand my words either...

been very inactive, for like a month.....stayed back in school everyday so no time to blog...also, i try to avoid blogging, because when i blog, it just means i feel bad....

i should just give up.......ahhhhhhhhhh.....curse myself for letting this happen................

we're not so similar, not so different.....stupid fuck, i'm going to sleep.........