Thoughts of a 'Man'

Last week was when there is nothing i can do but watch....this week is when i'm totally helpless, left to battle alone..

anyway, thought i wasn't going to macritchie run, but guess i have too...responsibilities...hmm...but i guess there is no such thing as too much responsibility so i'll do it...

anyway, got nothing much to say....to myself or to anybody...hmm...

wish i had it.... (title).....oh...god, sigh...not going to curse at how fast time is moving again... shall neither express sadness nor happiness, lol.. spent a great deal of today on music....rewriting lyrics of this song called butterfly...added about 10 new songs yesterday to my 'collection', had not enough time(2 days) to really 'taste'(my limited vocab...someone gimme another word to express this!!) them yet...... nothing can really take my mind off the things that are bothering me... its sick, theres just nothing i can do about it...zzz...

its going to be a slow bothersome uphill battle from tonight onwards, which will not end till 3 weeks later, where i'll have a break at least...i'm talking about my studies here...haven't done much for preparation, i'll really die if i don't..haha...seriously, old habits cannot change...i do see its possible though, but i haven't succeded in it yet.....

what i really need is a 'Get Out Of Jail, Piece My Life Back' Card...

Life feels really mild for me right now, after that 'giving up' incident, forgot when...wonder how is it going to be once i return to school this monday...need to seriously start 'Operation: No Life', running back home straight after school.....you can say that i'm trying to adopt the way of the Jedi...

anyway, gotta go buy dinner now!....Hmmm...YUm....Hokkien Mee..i seriously have an addiction for it, since the start of this holiday...i've been having it at least twice a week i guess...it has cured my addiction for long john silver's though...hmm..though i still desire!!....You can say i'm using morphine to cure my opium addiction...lol except that during 'then', nobody knew it was the same thing..lol..

oh yeah, and btw, my perspective of changing, is just to become a better person everyday, for her, the future hers and for all the ppl around me.....i've realised that it has improved my life... its growing up or just a process of maturity maybe?

also, had a hair cut yesterday....-_-" lol....(details)

i have repented... feel sorry for what i've done... hope i could make it up to her one day...i messed up... i keep changing myself everyday from the person i was yesterday just so that she'll come back...

dreamt of her again today...i dream of her quite often, but the 4th time for this whole year in such a way.....should i feel disgusted? its always feels so real, everything can be felt, worst is, in them, you get to make decisions... it only happens when i think of her the least....its like if i don't think of her when i'm awake, i start thinking about her in my sleep....maybe i'm a little irritated too, but this just never ends...

haven't got much to say this few days...so would be quiet for awhile...just missing her...

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if youre not an adult or someone i know, by all means stay...lol..

anyway, these few days had been quite peaceful....i've injured my leg, took half and hour to reach school, now takes me 50 mins....what took me 3 mins to walk to the mrt now takes me 15 mins..every step is like...eh..'ARGH!H!' ..and, i've been faced with test back to back to back...and i have another one tmr....me kind of have 'longterm' problems with ppl around me too...sounds really stress and hectic....

but i accepted everything, and found inner peace...if you face your life with composure, it'll be a breeze...the chinese say 'xin jing zi ran liang'....when the heart is quiet, you'll naturally feel cool..(direct translation)....everytime i start thinking about my problems, i watch tv or simply went to sleep, took my mind off things....and with preview channel of cable, i've watched more tv in a day than the whole of last month..ppl call the media 'pollution'....for me its more of 'enlightenment'....(don't want to go all about this again, but i've written about it twice, and don't want to repeat myself..)..

anyway, talking about accepting life...i guess, its like giving up eh....accepting the torture, is like giving up trying to be avoid it, since you can't...recently(some weeks now), i made the conclusion that, life is not about acheiving your dreams...its deciding what to do after giving up those dreams...always, 'stars', the rich and famous, were just lucky.... it wasn't about their passion...most of us are forced to give up our dreams anyway, what happens next is reality.. choose to throw your life away, or make every single day worth it...the way of the buddha, no desire andyou'll have satisfaction...i preceive that, the prince(?) that sat under the bodhi tree thinking of his purpose, probably gave up, and was satisfied to conclude that life had no purpose and no desire...he couldn't find what he was looking for, and gave up, feeling that he would be happier if he stopped looking...

i have to begin this 'live no life' ritual soon to prepare for my o lvls...don't tell me to get a life k, coz 'no life=study with passion' quoted from once a really close friend, now merely holding a little respect for each other's,as we've been a small part in each other's lives...
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anyway, what if 'anonymous' turns out to be some adult i know..lol...so cliche....(like some parent checking on me)....though i know its not any of my parents....but, thx for the advises, though if you're ever tempted to budge into my life....don't...somethings are best left to 'nature', and for myself to make mistakes learn from them, if this mistakes are prevented or solved by another party, i'll never learn...

and if you happen to be someone close, don't worry k?....
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hey yo shanism!...i'm back....you too!...lol..

is it me or is it this world....i'm afraid...my circle is growing smaller...am i more enlightened or less understanding?

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btw, don't mind me asking,james shen,are you the 'anonymous' guy that posted comments on the previous entries? 'anonymous' sounded like an adult...

today is preparation for the new week...

other things to address,
1) if only i could explain, but usually explanations don't help...
2) sorry is a useless word..it is almost always too late..
3) i hope my sincerity could reach out...its the person i've been trying to be all year...i'm unsure if ppl notice it...some ppl still dislike my actions, you are not wrong..thx to an event(it wasn't me that sparked it, but i feel the guilt, so woke me up too), i have a solution...it does not erase my problem and make it clean, but instead ensures it does not happen, its paralysed in other words...e.g imagine, not deleting a virus but quaratine it...

sometimes when you have no one to turn to, when nobody cares, when you have nothing to live for, when it gets too bored and depressing.....SLEEP..

feels better now...*cough*

well, how should i say this...had another different birthday....was alright...its the first time i received presents from my friends....oh lucky me...am really grateful....and its also been the first time that so many ppl have wished me happy birthday...(last yr was great too,it was my most memorable so far, maybe this year too.. wanna read? look at the archives, i just uploaded, its titled ENTRY 5...)

how should i describe this, feels like my prescene has been recognised and noticed..lol...its great, coz there are some ppl who'll never get to feel this way...kind of pity them too...but today was great...though i was feeling a bit down later..(nevermind what)...

was feeling down, coz today was the end of my deadline...nope i did not do anything to saviour my situation...the deadline was meant for me to give up by this time, but however, i guess i kind of treated it as i had to accept the reality i'm in...

i still can't walk away from the bad decision i've made...i guess i'm scarred myself for life...

today was special though...

thank you all...

overall life is great for me...this life, esp this yr, seen myself changed a lot too...or at least i have noticed the change i guess...hope all you ppl in my life, best of luck...

i just want to become a better person everyday...and hope i'll have a person that i 'love' with me when i'm lonely and when i need them the most...

realise today that things are a lot better when they are simple...

with this third entry on the same day, its pretty much alive....

---> Start <---
Yes, attraction.
Yes, indulgence and gratification.
Opps! Wrong move. And yet another one after another and another....
Certainly, regret.
Certainly, desperate.
Tasted, jealousy.
Tasted, loneliness.
Yes, loneliness.
Certainly, loneliness.
Can't get it back, can't get it rolling.....I left...
This is true love, letting go....
Ahh...Redemption.
Ahh...Inner Peace.
Air feels fresh all over again. Life is simple.
No, but it does not stop there.
I can't do simple. I can't live boredom.
My mind doesn't, but my heart wants.
---> Return to Start <---

i just woke up from 2 hrs of sleep, i felt really really really excited...almost quite high now....i don't know why...i woke up and realised i have such a well planned week ahead of me, thurs, fri and sat....well, just the thing i need to get over everything, all the deadlines, all the promises i made myself...i guess after this new jumpstart, i'll be a new person once again...

this well planned week, i didn't realise that i have, it just so happened that when i saw the appointments i had...its just fun and FUN and FUN, BACK TO BACk.....weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! yay!

guess it was the right decision, for me....puts me in a new situation, position, to perceive things....

WISH YOU GUYS OUT THERE A GREAT WEEKEND......GREAT HOLIDAY....and if things are low for you right now, who knows, i could help?

For a while, i'll be happy, so hope you guys out there the same k......

Which is harder? Giving UP or giving AWAY.....i've done giving up before...and today, i've given something else away...
this year is 'funny'...i've given away more things than i have kept myself, spent more money on others than myself, gave more effort in helping others than myself...

i just given something so important to me today away....i do not have my hands on it in the first place, but if i wanted to ruin so...it would have been easy...its really hard for me..but like the title suggests 'i redeemed myself..'

yesterday at ice skating, felt like shit...but after giving it away, for the last half and hr, it was tranquil.....i wondered if i made another whole mistake again...but i was quite sure...whatever i do, would be a mistake, just which...so i chose to buy insurance, so i'll fall steadily instead...

it was one of the hardest decisions i ever had to make ahh...sacrifices...

talking about karma, i wonder if same things would happen to me in future, or is what i'm experiencing now, my retribution...

ah...whatever i've written above doesn't matter...i can't believe i did this....sigh..