Thoughts of a 'Man'

start all over..

by looking at the above title, i just hope i could write everything down....sigh...(not because its too complicated to explain, but its just that its not the info i want to share..maybe to some, but in this case, not everyone..)
anyway, shiping scores in my bingo book today....doing something his heart does not want to, but did it for my sake, and even went all the way to getting it done...he says....
yes everyone has their bad points, but we need to accept ppl...(directing this at myself)...if not we'll never get the honey if we fear the bees....
the last time i felt like this, i gave up what could have been 'happy'....and now even others think i'm bad...can't blame them...i've got to agree to disagree...(but still have to say that they did not try to understand....hmm..)

heard that nicholas fought with jin hui over some actress...haha...quite funny...guess me and nicholas went thru the same thing...indirectly meeting our saviour(read previous blogs..)..

well,...i can't decide what to do...i really need a clear signal...maybe she's lost too, as in unsure(that explains the past 2 weeks, and the body language..)...argh...but if i was in someone elses shoes, neither would i understand 'me'.....thats why,i wish..(look at title..)....maybe things would solve itself....

glhf all...

ahh.....competition....i've waited for more than a yr now(because i never dared to make the first move)...harder with added competition, but now competition is not in my favour..work harder!....Zzz..

doing whatever i can...

sigh...things and life are depressing...i wish i could put all this into words but feelings aren't words, if they are, they don't make sense..in life, when you open yourself for others to read, something they do not like,they make you bite dust..closed yourself to the world, and they say you don't share enough...when ppl see your ugly side(or so they perceive to be), they kick you in the face with that twisted and incorrigible look...

not that i'm boasting or anything, but all my life, i've always accepted ppl for who they are...i've judge by the good of them...whether be it someone who makes insensitive remarks all the time, emotionally unstable(who get angry over nothing, moodswingers..), ppl who speaks and never thinks.....i've accepted the people...now they can't, and insist that i've changed..

me change....again...something i've not heard once...if you read some of the previous blogs, you'll see it...don't anyone realise that when one is emotional, one is never his usual self...when ice melts, does that mean it underwent a chemical reaction?...

shall not write about this, not going to try and enlighten anybody....well make the best out of it man...if they still insist that i've changed, or in other words, turned to the dark side, it just makes me look cooler....like darth vader....*Inhale*..............*exhale*.......

well, whats really bothering my mind....does not concern such a wide array of humans(omg, what a weird expression.)....shall not write either, this is it...just not ready to disclose again...after doing so much before...

enjoyed much of the long-never-happen-le anevon activities...but her....

sigh...just witness myself destroying myself...and it all started with this blog...and also for trusting the wrong ppl...not that i blame them(they do not know the consequences, so its not fair to blame them.), but its my own mistake..what could have been a breeze, i had made it difficult...even when i tried turning the tables immediately, it merely delayed the effects...chances now are at the absolute lowest compared to ever before...

Well, there can be a flip side though...if all these never made a difference...this unfortune came out of nowhere, so it could also have negligible effects or nothing at all..

perhaps its for the best, as there is always someway to make the best out of the worst situations...thus resolution, its long term, and has always been with the original plans..sigh whatever...i'm sick of making plans..

so now, i'm leaving it to nature and fate...somehow before this, the concept of nature came into my head, but now i've forgotten...this blog was meant to record my thoughts so i'll never forget them, it had failed on its purpose!

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
i'm at a lost...most likely, i have to engage and rearrange, otherwords, start from square one..The Basics: Impressions

well should have wrote earlier....woke up at 1 45....got to the comp at 2 45....and i'm still here...still have school in 2 hrs....thinking thru lots of stuff...sigh...not feeling low or anything, just feel that this(whatever this is) is as good as it gets...probably go back and lie down now...3 hrs le...maybe can't sleep, just because it gets nearer and nearer to the o lvls...and its term 2 already...or maybe its because of social life...thinking of all that had happened in my life...hmmm...well...bb..i think i can finally get to sleep...

omg...haha....the 'high on life' concert on ch 5....is so stupid...haha...is this what singapore propaganda is capable of? Switch me off? they try to make a statement that there are other ways to feeling high....and trying to link being cool with not taking drugs...well...they should target ppl's subconscious not fabricate a false image and expect ppl to believe...AIYAH...

the theme of the show...being cool, by not taking drugs... ok they should do that...but they did it wrongly....
First, Rock...
1) sylvester is not a suitable rock icon...he is a total sell out, poser, fake...need i say more?they should get a rock band...and if they want to promote local music, GET ELECTRICO!...if they can make such great psychedelic rock, heavy metal would be like chicken feet...
2) ok...i like that singapore soccer team was there, but they shouldn't have made them perform....they looke stupid on stage...instead,let them party amongst the audience..and try to pretend that they were there on their own accord, and not being paid or made to go there...propaganda would have been more effective..i can't really describe it in words...
Second, Hiphop(i don't know much either, but there are 4 basic aspects..)
1) break dancing is great....but not when all the breakdancers are wearing basketball jerseys...make them wear t shirt and bermudas(they look more like skateboarders), or different attire among the dancers..not a uniform basketball team....

In general, they got the 'image' wrong...its wholey polluted, due to large number of poser teens in singapore that try to copy the 'image'....you can't simply do that...its the culture and not the image...the culture that one must follow...not the surface...This mistake makes the druggers look even cooler..haha..

well even if they got all this correct....some dumb concert aint going to change the mindset of teenagers...well..for e.g, why is smoking cool? because rock stars do it, and replacing rockstars with sylvester...eh no sense...because action heroes smoke...wellhow to solve it...use the coolest action hero...NEO from the matrix!!....he doesn't smoke..result...can dodge bullets...WOOHOO!...

by using the media to appeal to youth aint going to work...you can't rush things you have to do it step by step, working it into ppls heads slowly....we shouldn't lower ourselves to appeal to the youths, but elevate(as in improve, not the boasting sense) ourselves so that the youths would follow....

also, the approach the 'up there'(whoever calls the shots) took is wrong....shall not explain the mistake, but the soln....look at jesus, kurt cobain, stalin..blah blah...it takes only one man, to change the world... they should get some guy, and make him an icon for the youths to follow..not make ppl believe thatwhatever they are trying to instill is mainstream...

i've written a whole lot of crap...look closer, and the failures(in a wider sense) of the singapore govt shows itself...

well...whatever... i miss her...

well they are having this drum thing now...should be cool...hmm...and taufik can do those slight power slides like jamiroquai..nice..though the song sucks...and WOO!....girls with red converse high tops..hmm...nice shoes...

i'm at my lost distracted self again..hmm...i need to concentrate on hw!!...

well.... "thoughts of a lost soul 2" would make ppl feel that i'm a real pessimist....hmm...so i'll change it to...."Thoughts of a 'Man'"......don't know if it sounds better..hmm.looks really stupid...but it is both mature and unpessimistic...WAHAHA.... well, great day.... and its the end of that ch8 love show, 1/2...(i don't know what)... well thru out its really funny..., so is it sad..but as everyone would expect, a happy ending..hmm....

------------------------------------
damn can't change.....some error...i'll try again next time..

its a day with not many things around me happening...so its really quite bored...and i still am...had a long day which what i felt was kinda short, since it being boring, time passes fast too not just when you're having fun....for me..time passes faster when nothing is being done...
anyway, its not a great day....due to....some reasons...its nothing bad....

well....its tue night...life is great(as in quite alright)....constantly looking forward..hmm..

sigh...what a day...since last night it was jamming on and on till about 15 30 today...i feeling really sick of the music already...am feeling rather lethargic now....and have been the whole day...slept at 1 30, woke up to music...Zzz...well rather...(look at title)...the whole time since, i couldn't rmb...all the time...and stop only to sleep... i couldn't make it to study with the c1 peeps...coz had to go for jamming session 2...

jamming session 2 was like around 70/100..if it was graded...and i was the cause of the loss of 30 marks....

shall write later....i know i want to rid music now....but i just can't stop playing..hmm

well today was kinda a neutral-crappy day....some tragedy happened...something that hit them all at their hearts....i wonder why, and if its similar.....well i've been thru something like this before...well...and i know i probably felt the same way then...don't know if its to do with their friendship, but if it is...then it sure feels like shit at the start...back then in my group of friends, for a long time(close to a yr maybe, thats from just one source though)....when i was with them, i never felt like talking...well i just became more of an introvert after sec 1 in school, then it was carried forward when i was with my pals during beginning of sec 3...well...all the time i was hanging with them, countless sleepovers, and stuff, i was very less participative...and i slept(maybe) at every opportunity when at their place, cause i was just too tired...

so for a long time, i felt left out and all, and they know it....back late december last yr...probably 22 dec if i did not rmb wrongly...we were on the way to my friend's house at bukit batok...before that, he acted pissed with me all the time, but my other friends pleaded me to go...so i did...then at the mrt station, we had an argument on the phone...well he staged it all...(sigh, expect all this from geminis..)..then i felt sad, pissed, and teary..(felt like yrs of 5 yrs of friendship gone.).then he said...i was to meet him downstairs at his apartment...while my other two friends went up...so that i can apologize...i don't know why he is blaming me at all, but i had no fault...when we met...we started talking...he revealed that our argument was just a "show", so we can talk among ourselves....hmm...well smart move...i didn't expect this, cause i never bothered...so talked talked talked.about how we did not spend time, how i behaved.....teary and all...and well...then thats it...both apologize...and became better....

well back to today, if both situations was similar...then the crying would have got them closer instead of division...if they cried, probably was because friendship was on the line...hmm..

well this is just what went thru my head, ppl read, so i shall not comment too much...hope they are all right, esp her...hmm...

well...today was quite boring....so i shall have tons to say....ah...just turned of the mp3 playing on my comp, it sounds so irritating today, its killing me...sigh...bbbmtnsg just open her mouth and no did not cause tsunami anywhere (?lame.. -_-") but did however in my head...well i guess, its nothing much really...not sure if she told many ppl...but just enough to let almost everyone know...which is....kk enough...hmm since some already know...what the heck.....funny hair cut she has...lol...everyone getting funny hairdoos nowadays...lol...shiping seems to be the only one with a better hairstyle then before..

so i thought i had tons to write...but nothing came to me...

today, was first time ppl are allowed in my premises.....feels just like the istana eh?...hehe...today, was half day, thus, 4c1 peeps wentout..went bowling....and i really sucked.. -_-" ......after that we headed to jp to have lunch...seoul garden....was alright....but i got really lazy to cook and eat after sometime....i think we sat in there for like 2 hrs....thats like really long....after that we walked about for half and hr...and stopped to decide where to go....and sigh...of everywhere, they have to come over to my place...so boring...anyway...and we hanged in my room...till it was ripe to go home..
(lazy to elaborate what happened, because i'm really sleepy now.. -) ....)

anyway was quite happy how the day turned out...guess its bcos of her.... :) ....not exactly sure if she feels the same, but great possibility i guess....but still i don't know what to do next...hmm...

and also i've got over of think previous i think....so yep...life's quite great now, except when i run into her, coz i don't know whether to greet...(if she dislikes me, i rather not risk and bother..)

i feel that i'm make hell in ppls lives....also, there is this trend which i hate bout myself, constantly getting bored of uniformity...i'm one that constantly seeks variety, and can't hang with the same peeps everyday..i can't isolate myself in anyway, it stops me from functioning..hate myself for being a guy that can't commit in some sense...this trend keeps repeating in me, i know what'll happen next(esp when ppl try to hold me..i'm volatile.)...sigh...some just don't understand sometimes, and thusi'm the one in difficule now since no one would understand, and if i ever come plain and explain, ppl will still now understand....minds work so differently, perspective shapes how we view....for e.g there is no right or wrong, just should or should not, even this is troublesome to decide..... the best bet? persuasion not explanation....

i've moved my focus from others, to myself....(maybe just for awhile..) i don't know...like shellylow says, internal politics can be controlled, while external politics is beyond our control...yeah blah blah blah....

the realm of romance is like freeze dried, hoping for a better tmr....