Thoughts of a 'Man'

felt i haven't blogged sincerely for a very long time....not that i wasn't sincere for my last posts, but they were exactly 100% of what i felt....i don't know...sian

not sure if i'm going to take my econs test tmr....have to wake up before 6 and rush to school to take the test at 7.....because i have a physics workshop at nus....have to meet at 9 in school..i don't know how exactly i even deserve qualify for sdp...firstly...sdp in in pioneer is not even a really well established programme...the programme sucks....it doesn't really develop us, in anyway...the stuff it tries to give us is to make us more appealing for scholarship..concentrating on what is written on paper...so what if we have done..plenty cip, and went for plenty seminars....do we even qualify to be scholars....look at all the overseas scholars...they are really geniuses....me, i'm shit...lol..if ppl are smart, they are already in hwachung and raffles.....sdp is totally pointless....

ok..anyway, the programme sucks...but i suck even more..coz i'm not that smart to be in it...

my results are falling like crazy.....just like in sec1, and again in sec3 and again now.....
got 13/15 for maths test.....(almost everybody got full marks...we are suppose to get full marks)....for physics test i got 17/30, and a long paragraph by my teacher...'Your attitude towards academic is not right. You may find that after 2 years in JC, It is only getting into uni that which matters. WIth your attitude now. You are far from target..'ok...i don't blame my teacher....i think he is really good, when i submitted my physics file, all my tutorials since the i entered jc had not been done....measurements..omg..i want to kill myself...he didn't scold, but just ask me to finish it..the next time he checks...he minused 1% from my CA.....i guess...what he did was all that i could ask for...he understands that scolding a student probably makes him worse....

i always placed myself in situations like this since pri 1...omg.....PRI 1!.....you read my report book, and you know i'm shit...my results through out my pri school was shit.....luckily, PSLE was lucky....i did quite 'well'.....('well', because i expected to enter normal academic..but which i didn't..) i got 185, or something for my prelims...in pri 6 i was last 5 or something....but psle came out..i wasn't..i was lucky...okay....but i guess many ppl just wasn't on form literally...

sec1.....perform like shit...scolded like hell, and was sent out of class almost everyday, and was sent to the principal again...sec 1 was my most pathetic year....i was damn stupid also...was last second in class..might as well be last...because the other guy was a good boy...and i'm dumb stupid, and irritable to teachers.... sec2 i don't know why..i don't know why a simple simple overly simple advice by my teacher push my grades up....and got 150 dollars from moe...WAHAHA.....the teacher said something like, 'why are you always not doing any homework...every thing do a bit, study abit...you can do better...' or something like that...so i started doing like 50% of my homework....so i was lucky again....

sec3 i fucked up all over again, last 5 in class again...aiyo.....but till sec4, i motivated myself to study because i like this girl, and that girl was like scoring like insanely smart, 1st in class....so i just study loh....well, probably because its the "OLEVELS" that makes almost everyone study...

and NOW, i fucked up for the fucking 4th time in my fucking life..................!.......everyone that has been like me, failing in secondary school a lot, knows that life is fucked up thats why.....i did badly this new term....this june holidays, have to study like i never studied before.....i'm not going to retain....i'm aiming for As and Bs for all my subjects....i know...i'm in the worst position to make such targets....but who cares....all of us know that we deserve to be raffles, all of us know that if we studied hard, and bypass singapore's sucky education system.... only if we studied hard.....

fall and stand up again

another thing, I'm bored... busy, yet empty....life's a rat race....we are working so hard for who knows what....i've given up trying to find out, and thus this irony, working hard in this rat race...omg...everyone knows suicide is the best answer...its not a last resort, but the best thing you can treat yourself to.....it is, but we are just too cowards to go do it....like me....

today, for sometime now, it was fine....it was really fun...the whole day was....at the start of the day, had to wake up at about 7 to prepare to go to ctss, for a meeting..oh man...talked to her for awhile as i headed from school to the interchange...but well, it doesn't matter to anybody...anyway, she looked better, but i don't know why....

ok so we wasted our time at ctss, i did not volunteer to help out in anything.....as i know there are more capable hands around me...don't really want to go for that camp, i guess it would be fun...at least i'm spending time with friends...

was not in the mood to go to school for the alumni sharing and college day...was compulsory, but apparently it was not to me...so i didn't bother...went to cheepng's party......met up with old friends....felt a little stagnent at the beginning when we were just playing the x box 360....after that we went down for bball at around 5......it was fun......lots of dumb jokes...haha...the company was everything...ate a little.....then we went to play more bball.....after that this ex-acs(i), ex rj rugger came down with a soccer ball...and we played...wah...more fun.....i don't know why the ball was really friendly to me....lots of chances, and scored a couple.......we went in search of the ice cream cake afte that...cost about 38 bucks, 1 kg..(icecream cake)......we couldn't find it....the stupid maid took it away...don't know what for....i am quite sure she took it away for herself, and probably share it with her other maid friends.....omg...can't stand her.......when we called her.....we found it in her hands.....why she even took it around with her...is suspicious....when we opend it...it was 80% melted.....FUCK MAN.......the oreo icecream pie......was like melted.....but we couldn't do anything..i paid 6 bucks...and the maid had to ruin it.....we ate what was left...it was the best thing i tasted today...but still it really could have been better.....

anyway....left about 11....really gonna miss these people.....i guess it will be a long time..before meeting them again.....

today is no different from any other day, which is hell.....been tolerating shit all week....i don't know...its nothing really....but this life is just empty....yes, i'm whining because i'm f***King bored...nothing really wrong, and went the wrong way this week, but its just as empty...i will just shut up, coz it won't do anything to change anything....

i don't have to think further, i know every next day will be worse....its just a count down to the ultimate worst,.......................................................................................................................ahhhhh...ok...

SUBWAY

no more to report.....ppl have fun.....

sometimes making immature decisions may lead to a better life after all...especially when the immature decision was made while being immature, and holding a strong belief that it is a mature decision....its painful, but i'm glad...it made me the person i am today.....mainstream society does not define what best works for you....sometimes, one has to be alternative....go alternative, be alternative.........believe in what you think is right, even if it really is wrong..and that when everyone tells you its wrong.....coz, if you think is right...its actually right...its not being selfish, ppl are selfish trying to force what they think upon you...whatever you do, be sure and self-assured....you do not need the support of anybody, but the support of yourself....

oh yah, don't follow, don't be a poser....or worst, being blind....don't....

.........................................................................................wah sian...............


in short, live life like you have only a few days left to live...if your life is messed up, do you want still want that present in your last days?....whether is messed up because you initiated it or others did....just fucking get it out, or ignore it man.....who would want to think of problems, while dying....

anyway, if you had only a few days left, you wouldn't be counting down in days, it would be in seconds, or.....not counting at all....there are no 'days' in our short lives actually.....what do you mean tommrrow when you say tommrrow....(can't express in words, sorry)....cease the day, you shall carpe diem...

well, yeah.....i know, i'm not exactly a jack of all trades, but i'm a master of none...shall not go on about how lousy at anything that i do...i don't know why, but all the time, i get just good enough for something and then i stop getting better....

anyway, went jamming with the guys again....we saw ronin again...2nd and a half time...well whatever...anyway, they didn't say hi or anything, well, they were leaving already...ah...

anyway, the song this time, i admit was one of the songs i never thought the band would actually begin on playing it....because its quite heavy metal, but from not a quite heavy metal band...(excuse me for speaking strangely today, i don't feel well).....the first time in almost 1 and 4/5 years? at the studio, we get to use the best equipment in the studio....chung used a tube amp...forgot the brand, wow....the sound is impressive....over the top....my amp, was the best amp i have ever used too...some really big marshall amp, jimi hendrix uses it a lot i guess....not tube amp, but very good too....janson used his best bass amplifier ever also...well we all used the best stuff....and just nice we brought our guitars and bass along this time...i'm still quite a newbie at guitar, though i've been playing for quite sometime now...learnt how to use the bent stick at the side of the guitar......changes the pitch of the note, as in it becomes lower...i guess...don't ask me...anyway......the sound today was great...bry drums was on on on on form....chung guitar also...and today...janson has improved tremendously.....which makes this band really really realy good already...except me...my vocals sucks...my rhythm sucks....i fucking can't play the guitar, i tell myself....

i just kind of lost interest halfway, the sound today was very good...but everyone's is just too good, someday...i just gonna get kicked out....i'm not envious or anything, i'm just not confident of myself anymore....janson, is really really good now.....can manage bass solos and complicated riffs...(everything i say has no concern to 'punk' rock whatsoever...)....just incase ppl are trying to measure my 'good'......

i am really really behind time with homework again.......i was really really behind time...then i made up some lost time...thus being just behind time...now i'm back to being really behind time..didn't touch books for fri sat and sun....i took a good enough break...guess i'll face the week with half of me again....

kind of really involved in everything......................don't feel lonely or anything, just that i'll face all this crap alone..........................................................................wah...save me la.....

quiet...