Thoughts of a 'Man'

its the end of the month again...and i'm getting really tired.ah...haven't been blogging for a long time...i've just grown lazy with telling things to all the imaginary ppl that reads these entries....being straightforward just seems unexciting...sometimes theres just too much to say, so much that it becomes troublesome........and how unexplainable the boredom that engulfs me...

in case i stop blogging once and for all(which i've wanted to do so many times but never did) and because i haven't wrote anything properly for a long time...........

my mind has been empty....the pervasion of nothingness.....i just wonder why nothing interesting happens all of a sudden...oh wait....there indeed are interesting things happening everyday, but i've just been unperturbed by it all, i don't know why.....my mind just stopped receiving 'radio signals', thus nothing is relayed here.........

lets just begin with the most interesting thing that happened this week.....and i'll not even touch on the army...its so boring....the camp is dreary...cast away at tuas....

my smu interview...i really want to enter smu....i don't know why....maybe its that nite at frujsh(?)..cosy place....i can't really think of how good it is as a school...when i compare it to nus.....nus is much better...its bright campus life....rich full of spirit and energy...thats my impression of nus.......where the average person would want to be...where i thought i would want to be....now smu isn't even that colourful compared to nus..........but somehow i'm just excited by it..it doesn't even feel like a campus...its feels like joining some big enterprising corporation...and its really not because of the ppl thats in there.....i'm wooed by it...under the impression that i'll be awed when i step foot in there.....smu offers something completely different....i can't even put it in words....its like the drug that i just have to lay my hands on.....the knowledge that is encased within the building begs to be let out.........the prospects seem brighter over there..

i went there not really well-dressed....don't wanna be overdressed nor wrongly dressed....so i wore a polo tee...and jeans.....an undergrad called to remind me of the appt....but i was already downstairs and early......hmmm..social science..... i begin to ponder....its not even my first choice, business is what i was here for...or so i thought.....

it was unlike me.....i felt really calm........i took my time to take in the sights and sounds around me as i moved around and up to the interview room, observing anything and everything (... -_-" ...like i always do..)....i knocked and entered this room...there were a few of them in formal wear chatting...they were probably about to give a presentation...asked them to point me in the right direction.....i left and continued walking.....past this woman....she was seated at the bench, spewing out the lines that she had memorised probably for some presentation.....i thought to myself....WHAT?! ppl still memorise their lines? its going to look so choreographed...i was shaking my head in disbelief.....i reported to these undergraduates sitting at a table that was incharged of registering the interviewees....they had to look at my results to confirm.....then she led me inside some pathway thru a big door to outside a room....to sit at some chairs laid outside the room....there were 2 rooms.......and 2 ppl were waiting outside the other room.....i heard voicesas i was outside....

the interviewers were asking the interviewee why he would prefer smu soc sci over fass in nus....the guy replied in some pretentious voice...."smu...blah blah..different...blah blah better..."... a really pretty girl came out from the other room.....smiling...then the door near me opened...and the guy came out....he happend to be an aquaintance during first 3 mths in pj.....he had better grades than i have.....we greeted each other enthusiastically and he was complaining about how he was put down in the interview....told him not to worry and that it was part of the process to demoralise him....

when he left, the head of a chinese man peered out the door and asked me if i was pang ziqi..."are you here early?".."yes i'm early"......he spoke to the man inside.."do you want to see mr pang ziqi now?"....man inside replied with an angmoh accent(american if i did not rmb wrongly)...."oh yes sure, lets have ziqi come in now"....................i entered an shook their hands which they offered....the first question from the ang moh was "Wow, you've got an A for project work... tell us more of what you did.."...."my project was on local movies, films.."...."oh...no wonder you got an A...what was your proposal.." i was just a teeny weeny bit nervous, cos i don't know what to say.....but i told them about my proposal...."ahh...yes..theres always potential"......after that, "both of us were having a little discussion here...wondering why you got an A for project work, but did badly for gp..." i told them about distinctly about the essay that i wrote, and that i had wrote off point...geared towards consumerism instead...in my head,...opps....i was wearing ralph laurn polo tee..."why don't you answer the question now....well, is money a prime motivator of singaporeans"...i said yes...and went on to explain...as they questioned me....i then realised...i explained all the points that weren't supporting my stand...haha....and then i told them..."ehhh....i think i change my stand...."..blah blah blah...."yes....its not really money rite?"......

....they asked me more on the development of singapore and stuff.........answers just didn't came to me when i needed them most...but i just spewed whatever came to my head, unconvincingly..............
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part 2 coming up next......so tired now...

i understand initiation....in electrophillic substitution...it when uv rays transfer energy onto the halogen molecule to produce 2 very unstable electrophiles,...passionate radicals......

propagation which i don't get........i need to find the medium for which things can proceed and not reach a dead end.....

I'm bloggin while brainstorming of my university courses.........

Life sucks, suck it up......... No one dies a virgin, Life fucks us all........

resigned to this small pathetic web space at the outer reaches of the WORLD WIDE WEB

there is no tolerance amongst the human race.....United Nations are useless....we should all become terrorists........i can't tolerate so many things happening in this world......Rather then embrace, we shun the handicapped, we shun gangsters, the beggars.... racism, homophobia..........

and i still have to decide which course to go to..............

i can't change the world, i can't change my parents, i can't even change myself......

YES YOU ARE ALL BLIND..............

amused and turned on by all that is fake........

i'm going back to deciding my uni course.

ahhhhhhh.....why won't the world listen to me.!!ahhashhsa

. brb .
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My parents are assholes......ever since the day i was born..........all they ever do is claim they know you and understand you better than i myself do....tell you what you should do and what you should not.....but their degenerating brains............ stupid unsolicited advice...my parents are the dumbest lifeforms on the planet.......go ahead and think i'm unfillial and all......all i've been doing right now, is talk to them nicely, have dinner, and stuff even when i don't want to...been holding myself back time and time again not confronting them about their flagrant arrogance and ignorance.. because i feel this is the best i can do for them having given birth to me....they are really old.....and i don't think old ppl should have any problems in life.......

anyway......been thinking lately,(not that i ever stopped).............too tired to say anything...there's nothing much i wanna say for now..i just wanna go on consuming brain nutrients and food...........

THats it...

tired, pissed off, unsure about the future, unsure about my principles...i hate principles...sure about myself...

gonna leave for school to collect my a lvl results soon....like everybody else, i'm expecting straight As....but i'm wondering why i slacked off so much during jc...what made me do it......that in itself is a mystery.............i'm guessing i'll get Bs and Cs this time...but Ds and Es probably...if another miracle were to happen again now............i'll blow up, explode...............................

i feel like a thick stack of printing paper..............life is empty besides the army..........just too tired to talk about the ppl in army....but the world just won't be as merry as we all want it to be.......i observe and saw, and i got to see just how the world can be blind most of the time to what really is essential.........being in a world where everything is a simulation, (can't really express properly).....plastic......where we will call a chatline to speak to a sweet voice and convince ourselves that the person at the other end of the line will be pretty.....where sex fetishes come in shapes and sizes....but they are all hypocritic........follow the lyrics of 'Californication' and you get what i mean.......not that we don't know its fake, its just that we are so desperate for it, we accept it , convince ourselves of its authenticity.......

not sure if i mentioned it before......'Actions speaks louder than words'.....something i don't believe.....actions these days are so easily displayed for the purpose of impressing or convincing.......i guess reading behind the lines of the words that ppl say would better unveil intentions.......ppl don't mask their words....most tend to just whine when they have frustrations and not take it out on someone...they may treat you nice, but you can sometimes sense their frustration from their words, something i just cannot prevent when i'm around my parents......its just that they hold back their actions more than they do to their words......i said before how ppl may behaves the opposite just so that it hides their weaknesses.....yeah thats it......the world is blind....we are Judge Dreads....we are so bad in judging character....

sigh...A lvls.......will have to retake another time i guess.............