Thoughts of a 'Man'

after watching bedazzled on tv, i finally got 'her' out of my head..lol...elizabeth hurley too chio le, thats why...i manage to regain study momentum, though...its a little late and started like 9 50, but i got a grip over rate of changes...haven't finish the homework though..

i think i've given up on her a long time ago, just couldn't put to rest because of a darn attitude...but now, i guess i really don't care,(so now i shall close case, and assume that she lost interest and gain interest or renewed interest on someone/many someones else..and just happen to find me annoying too..LOL)...i care for her, but if she does not appreciate love...(not that she has to love me, just acknowledge it and not try to avoid it..)....she's not the first person i've met that is like this anyway....(though such a personality form a basis for female homosexuality..serious...)...i put lots of effort into preparing for the worst (as being an expert in fighting a losing battle..lol), but i'm guess i'm gonna scrap it....it doesn't matter what happens in the end....

its time i put my attention on that someone that really matters...and its been more then a year, if shes waiting(?), i better not waste another chance in life....i guess i've really let this one down once, and i can't again...

its 2 more mins to 12....sayonara...

i woke up early today...like 7 40..k thats not exactly early..its the time i wake up for weekends anyway....i just realise how much time i spend on these blogs, sigh...have nothing to do mah....dont play any computer games now.....

all the time i am just asking for one chance...for those of you who know, there is this incurable ache that constantly stays inside your chest...sometimes i wonder whether its the heart or chest that hurts...some might argue that its the chest...thats what i use to think too...but now to think of it, its the heart that hurts, i mean literally....its how some ppl can die of an heartattack after being extremly angry or sad...or some laugh till they get an heart attack, or like in bachelor(the movie) the grandfather died after seeing a stripper, since probably the heart was beating at a higher rate... its weird why god made our hearts hurt instead of our head when we are feeling emotional...and when in love, its the heart that feels it all(again, i mean literally)...

in lotr, i forgot how long frodo had to hold the burden..(was it 3 months?)...if it was, its probably the same amt of time i have held mine. its weird however, that it can give you power at times, and even give you longevity(correct spelling?) like smeagol who lived with probably an heartache for hundreds of years.. now i find it weird that i actually use this as an analogy to love.. in lotr its desire, but i guess love=desire in some way or another, desire to receive love... its something hard to give up... when someone told me to just give up and forget about it, its something i've tried, but to no avail...i'll probably end up like smeagol who didn't give up, in the lava....actually frodo didn't give it up either, it just happen to fell in with smeagol, so its hard to regconise him as the hero, rather accidental..

i don't think of her all the time, i think of others as well..is that bad?

anyway, today i kind of have an option of how my future life is going to be...all the time ppl have ask me what my ambition is, how i want to live my life in future, but i've never had the answer..i have spent time thinking about it, but as a fickle person..you know...

well it goes like this...my parents, since i was young, had always expressed the interest of migration to australia...i never thought they had been actually taking it seriously..sometimes i discourage them too, since my life is in singapore...and its only something ppl who has money would be doing...they use to express interest in buying a condominium(saying sometimes that they just say that for fun), but i discouraged them too...once they were almost serious, going to view apartments and everything..i seriously did my best to discourage them and manage to stop them..many would ask me why i don't want to live in a condo...its just that my parents are rather old now(my father would reach retirement age of 62 in 2 yrs time), and since i was primary 6, i knew how my future was going to be...HARD...i discouraged my mom not to retire, when she said she wasn't serious, she did so months after that..now i take whatever they say seriously..

migrating is something only the rich do..something at the back of my head tells me that my parents are one of those that saves up tons of money...preparing for our education, marriages and etc...but none of this reserves had been used yet, so i presume that none of the money had been used yet...

the plan is that...if my bro ever accepts an offer to go to australia for a job interview, and manage to get the job, he would of course be staying there..and due to my bro working there, i would have a greater chance of studying there..there is a possibility that if i ever ever ever manage to go to university or something, they want me to go one there...and if i study there, both me and my bro would be living there, and my parents would move over too....thats all they said...if they want my to study U over there, i'm sure they consider me to work there after i graduate..

so people, this might just be my future, if my bro ever gets a job there, and if i ever manage to reach university...

LIFE...is so short and fast, now wonder it drives some to taking drugs...well gtg.. bye..

sigh....i wonder why when one says that they have went ahead, why do they still bear grudges against you...though they don't talk about last time anymore (whatever bad that happened then, now i still do not know) , they talk to you like they hate you so much... its like everyone wants to move on, and yet you are still so angry...(all the they, you, them...etc whatever refers to that same one person)..its like you never meant to hurt them in the past, nor pick a fight at present, yet they treat you like shit....

now its as if i raped her or something and is her eternal enemy...she is like angry for no f***ing reason...don't talk about pms, its like that all the time..

ok...maybe she is like that, maybe there is no reason, she is doing this for the sake of dumping all her anger....she was all cheery when i got her her email account back, in less then days, she resents you all over again...

most might wonder why i keep talking about her here all the time, its just that i want her to stop hating me or whatever....and when i ask her if she hates me, she says she does not hate me....does that just means she hates me extremely?...

if you would wonder why i would bother if she hates me, i can just ignore her rite? but its the last little imperfection in my life right now...its the only thing bothering me now...

sigh...can't go on....

all of a sudden, a thought and a scene came into my head and destroyed my day...i want to just get over it...

hey...great day, not so great with the teachers, gave up so much homework for the weekends, but great day, great afternoon, what more can i say....sigh sports heat was quite a disappointment, everyone gave up without trying...i don't know if i would do the same if i was in their shoes, but nah...i don't think i would...

going to have dinner in jp soon...sigh...parents went out again.... dont know what to eat....its like being in recess all over again....well good day all...

shes not coming....

sigh...got home early today, because was quite pissed off...just not feeling well... was just lying at the sofa next to the computer for about an hour already since before 6 30...sigh...waiting for her to come online...so i can ask how shes doing...had to sit up just to see who comes online everytime.been looking at nothing but the sky while lying down, hoping that some miracle will happen that erases all that shit i've felt for the last 3 months...it really sucks to be feeling like this, everything reduced to this state...

i'll stop waiting at 7 30, i have just too much homework....sigh i don't think she's ever going to come online now...and even if she does, i feel worst after everytime i talked to her anyway...hopes she comes last minute...

What a boring day.... boboboboboboboboboring....

*new era=new start. *full circle=moving in circles=not good.

i approached the situation that i've been at unease since november, and have comed to a final conclusion. i don't know if this conclusion is going to close the case or not, but i guess this is it. neither do i want it anymore.

since nov...been wanting to give up, and many times, i am convinced that i've moved on, but time and time again, it did not dawn on me. i'm convinced that this time is different, coz she couldn't care less, neither do i now. i told her how i felt, but i can't blame her either.. even i hate myself...classified by others as a gemini, though i beg to differ. i hate almost all the geminis that i've met in my life..maybe one that i've learn to accept, which is one of my good pals at anevon..tried to change myself, but i've learnt of all the negative traits of me or as a gemini, fickleness and many many more...my goal for at least a year now had been to be the best that i can be,since i hate the way i've become so much..

life is full of shit, it gets harder everysecond... i'm not whining, i'm not saying that i do not appreciate what i have now, i'm not saying i'm worst off than an malnutritioned african kid...just stating a fact. If orders of things could happen backwards, for e.g, like the mercedes benz ad if i did not rembmer wrongly, something about dying then start life at old age than get younger...and let birth be the end instead of death..

so now i have not plotted my course and shall think of it carefully. its new era, like the rebirth of playstation, PS3...shall set up for competition..

oh what a day, today, this sunday...today, or by tonight, is suppose to be my dead line for my desicion making..how stupid it is! i have to set a deadline to make a desicion...haha laughing at my own fickleness...sigh...i am in catch 22...sigh what should i do....

i had a nightmare this morning around 4-8am....slept over at prav's house...well actually its more of 2 night mares in one..two ppl that i care for very much for....i remember it very clearly now..."stop botherring me, i have a single relationship..."what does it mean anyway?...lol...my dream makes no sense...the other was more action packed....i don't feel well thinking about it, so..........

on the way home from prav house, at jp, i ran across this guy that happened to be in my dream...we talked 'nothing',or talked about things we rather not talk about, e.g "have you done your hw?" walked till we were at old chang kee till i realise that there was a girl behind him...hehe...so i excused myself...pretending i never noticed her anyway...wonder if they are together or are they with a bigger group, which i hope not...i continued walking....needing to find an optics shop to fix my twisted spectacles....they were not opened by 10 30...so i went to the library and borrowed 'ALICE IN WONDERLAND & THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS'....wow...been wanting to read this for a long time....its a children classic, but haven't read it...was also stories that inspired the matrix...known as 'nonsence'....optical still not open, so i went to popular, and bought 'five ppl you meet in heaven'...yeah, the bestseller, just couldn't give up the wisdom hidden in it...

Saved to drafts, too lazy to continue today (14/2/05)

SUP SUP SUP!!....k i not really that high, but woke up at 7 on this sunday morning...grandmother coming back from perth today.....probably on the way home now...she has been travelling back and fro for about 5 years....at 6 month intervals...well, nuff said...

woke up so early this morning because i slep so early last night, at 10 45. was at woencheng's house doing the valentubes,with a huge bunch of ppl.....about 3 hrs, exclusive of all the distractions, we completed about 50....quite an accomplishment because part of the time we had to fill tubes with gel and did like 70?...about that..hmm..maybe i should start everything from the beggining.....

there is just too much to write coz there was no end of day for me from fri morning to sat night. If you can't understand what no end of day means, it specifically means that there is no end in the satisfaction of my life of these two days(fri and sat), so its like a whole story from fri to sat together. E.g. when you sleep over at a friend's house, the two days together feels like one day altogether because the fun never stops!.

been with the dudes of 4c1 almost everyday for the past week, its not exactly a huge load of fun or anything, just feels comfortable with them that all..

saturday,yesterday was quite a big day. woke up at woencheng's house, and went to school for cip. At CIP, we were suppose to clean up an hdb block, forgot the block, something like 34something. near the clementi nursing home and community center. After all that work really makes a little satisfaction, as we were all work and no rest till it ends even though it still feels like hangout with friends like most CIPs... after that went to mr prata with lots of my class peeps, and with ms chen and mr chua..no treat, sorry.... after that, some went to collect tubes, rest went to buy gel after a short visit to school.hanged out in school for a while with jeremy, chung and shipz...then left with shipz and shiya to woeny house to do more tubes...ZzzZzz...

anyway, also kind of learnt that ppl actually think of me as flirt...hm...with certain ppl only what....

then do that tube thingy from 2 30 to 6, ok it occupies us and its not much of a chore doing it together with friends.after about 6 30, walked home eileen and shafiqah with the rest of theboys..hmm..its always so sad when ppl leave. then got back to woeny house again with the guys and during dinner there was a argument. it was not an argument among us anyway..so rest assured.

then i went home with everyone else. :( so bored...

well i wonder how she is...just curious. we can't talk anymore..

going good b/w me and this person from beginning of last yr.

bah! this is the end...

\\ //_

k i'm back...have no time to decorate this sloppy crap of a blog. no trace of my previous blog, and its just too troublesome to write my dairy..haven't touched it for a yr maybe...more like some months...oh i should have started on the start of the new yr...now that 5 weeks have past i shall give a brief appetiser of things that had went by.... (don't read unless you have to as its on what i've been doing....its boring..)

1st week: Went by in a blink of an eye..the 4 in a group class arrangement was really great though, was cosy like sofa(funny simile..lol)....but was changed to the present sitting plan..which is still great...was really great to be back in school....its like going back into life, dec holidays was bullshit.I miss all the people in school. made a goal to win her.(another..)

2nd week: went by like the lifespan of an ant(thats longer than a blink.) Can't remember much...school was manageble, ppl are still fun...poke fun with some buddies on a rap by beastie boys.....and went for Singapore vs Indonesia...great atmosphere esp after the match...was like a victory march to the mrt station....very out of hand though...ppl got too high...

3rd week: went by like gas escaping from the ahole.towards the end of the week was the beggining of one of the worst eras. Comp fuse blew..
One of those times when one gets dreams consistently in his sleep..was what i was experiencing...dreams of the somewhat broken relationship....
in the dream, was like desperately looking for her but after i found her....she somehow gets missing and i was in another hell of a situation...i was even feeling much more desperate than before, and was in a worst feeling then at the start of the dream...so throughout i was just trying to look for her as if it was the last time i would see her....woke up to tears...ASS....to think i got over it as i didn't even give a single thought about her......and dreams of her keeps appearing everyday.....another one was one that made me felt really guilty....coz its over, and i was smooching with her in my dream....LOL......really scary man....omg......of course there were better dreams about another person...all this kept happening for about 5 days...made sleep really interesting..hm...
went to shiping's birthday party too....quite boring but made my day anyway..
and i hacked into her acct too.after coming back from the party...aiyo so easy...haha...gave it back though..can't exploit it in anyway either...also that the exploits only provide short term satisfaction and can't acheive any sh*t..

4th week: went past like...(can't express anymore..).....now i don't know why but i want her back so badly..though i assume she hates me all the while...so theres nothing i can do..hm...felt very low...
and have been staying back to do the notice board, don't ask me why, theres just nothing better to do, and its just like hanging out with friends anyway, so its not that bad...
and there is the stupid handphone chain which i started...just got too bored and wanted to cheer myself up and others who felt the same like i did...but some ass misunderstood and told the teacher which apparently mistook it as a form of protest....it was suppose to be something fun which the class could participate in by wearing a rubberband..lol..and ppl saw it as protest....what narrow width of perspective... been suffering from cough the whole week too...

5th week: like 4 th week just that 2 days ago i got over it..great, what a bother it was...
My comp is back....still minor cough...
so the class now is up to some gel + macoroni in a testtube for sale project to raise some money on valentines' day...not exactly interested, but the factor on money just got to me even though i won't keep it in the end....
and wow...netball keeps winning every single match...and trashing sommore! differences of 20- 30(morethan that i guess)...while the otherside scored less than 10....wah they might as well forfeit....

What can i say? life goes on...like the shit that comes out from our asses, so are there the imperfections and bumps in our lives...
Right now my goals are:
1) Study...
2) Stop the hatred that she might be having for me...its like she gets angry so easily when i talk to her...wah...grudges...
3) Improve physical aspect....as in eat more more more!....i'm so skinny..!

And a little bit of trivia for you peeps out there...For a messy person like me, i'm neat at times only when its convenient...I have my computer for proof, but none of your have ever seen it...

its really little load for such a long span of time...

_\--/

sigh...made many ascii art but not supported by this text editor...sigh...a picture speaks a thousand words but can't do it here...sigh..