Thoughts of a 'Man'

I've become the person that i have despised so much....I hate myself...Hate the way i am...ppl stay away from me if you don't want problems..i'm irritating..

all this is karma i guess...

oh..i really need help...

all because of love...well, life to me now is like being in a coma...i guess i won't be blogging for a while.....nothing to whine about either....waiting for someone to pick me up again...sounds like sleeping beauty eh?..lol....until somebody enters my life, i'll probably live life meaninglessly like most ppl do after they realise the world and give up...

maybe from time to time i'll post some things...but probably not much...i'll probably blog sometimes if any at all at namemyass.blogspot.com our band blog...i'm the one in purple text...

just know that i'll be concentrating on my o lvls now...

feels to me like star wars episode III, esp when all the jedis are being killed, you'll start feeling like how i am now when watching that scene....

thank you all of you who have read this blog...it had a purpose. though it was never fufilled...the journey taught me more....so see ya when i wake up....
I love you, ting you...this whole blog since the first entry was meant for you...so that you could know how i feel...but you never got the chance nor the interest..i never told you, you never knew...and you never liked me...i wonder why we were together for that short while, but i guess it meant nothing to you..

k....time to look and everything and say "whatever"...

no pt writing bout the same suffering...today, during focus, felt like shit...incurable itch in the heart...left the room, felt better, but knew i had to reenter it after sometime...it was the same all again on the table i was sitting....focus is crap...i can't concentrate, esp when.....(well, what else)....had to escape so i hopped to the next table beside me for a while...the comfort made my day...

soon after that, one of the highlights of my day, going home...

Just take care of today's business, and then do tomorrow's thing tomorrow.

what a life she has...can't put it in words...but its good i guess..anyway, no point being a boy making such a big fuss about liking a girl...hmm...guess i was childish..whining about my feelings, what a uncool way to treat it..lol...must be cool..at least now i've established something, though its fragile...there are good signs too i guess...not exactly very good, but can analyse my situation from it...i guess i'm quite satisfied for now, thats all i can say....

and for a long time now, i can have PEACE....finally...

i guess political stability needs to be acheived first before there can be any domestic growth...

also, i have a bad feeling about this...fear that there is something that is beyond my control, external events can't be controlled...if only i had deterrence from the begginging, there wouldn't be any of these in the first place, probably i wont even have this blog...hope the answer she gave wasn't a lie...

external events or not, control or not...i must perservere...venice is a lesson to be learnt from, i shouldn't just sit and do nothing or tear myself down because of external influences...

lesson is that i should keep moving on.....

why are we so unsure when we are making important desicions even when we are clear of our feelings, our thoughts don't agree!........................why does it have to be something that decides my life that had me realising it..

i wonder if i could ever act on my feelings....without the nuisance of my thoughts...

peeps out there, my interpretation of feelings and thoughts could be different...could be rite or wrong...you might be thinking along the same lines....well if not, use your own interpretation to comprehend...

on my case, realise that these two are different things...what goes on in our head are thoughts, in our hearts are feelings...its like a bug in a system that you have to chance upon it before actually realising its there, like how most of us discover the world...well, i never realise these feelings and thoughts were different things....maybe i knew, but never reflected upon it to realise that its two different things...

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<8am>

was reading another person's blog...guess he was talking bout the world and all....
me? i've lost hope in this world....i'm just saving everyone i can with me i guess... i guess i believe i have the right influence...well, my studies are poor, doubt i'll be a scientist or doctor or astronaut(what i realy want to be) or lawyer or teacher....but inside everyone i think, or at least me, lies the believe that we can change the world..what better way than to start now...been acting on this terms since secondary one...after leaving my pri school where everything was perfect, here everything was much colder... and i'm right, then censorship should be censored...Ignorance is a greater danger than knowledge...

i guess i done some courageous acts too, usually no one stops to realise..lol..courageous as in out of good and pure intent for the sake of other people...if one suceeds, he can give emotional strenght to the ppl around him..e.g moralizing an army...

i guess i kind of run thoughts sometimes on how to achieve world peace and how it has to be done...but world peace can hardly be acheived...it can't be done immediately...if i was serious about this, i would start a organisation....because this can't be done in one human lifespan...you need followers, strong believers and leaders...if the leaders of the future are weak, all our efforts will be wasted even if sucess is within our reach....
first, we'll have to make the world understand..call it preaching if you like, but not in the name of god..............................this alone will take more than a life time, other steps should be left to the future leaders for the right course of action during their time...if not things would turn out, think communism...it was pure, but was followed too strictly, ppl should do accordingly

well, i guess there were many pure world peace ideals, but they all became ugly...when ideas of acheiveing peace is different we conflict..... from the beggining, from a man's helplessness and hopelessness led him to give up the world, in search of spiritual being in his heart or god...which led to many philosophies and teachings...all this being the building stones,of religion......

well, religion was good, if there was only one religion in this world(ref to bold words...if there was only one idea of achieveing peace, there would be no conflict...) everything would work out...but no, there are the births of many religions(or ideas of acheiving peace) leading to conflict, since everyone had so much faith in their wills....some sacrifice their lifes, knowing that even if they lose their life, their 'will' lives on...

in short, everyone wants peace so badly we fight for it...if we all agree, there will be peace... leave out religion, it is where religion has failed...i'm not saying to stop believing in god, but changing the world in the name of your religion isn't working..

well, but many ppl have already understood all those words i have said up there, and turned to something else to acheive world peace...that is POLITICS and shortly after that, birth of political systems!!.....ah good intent, but politicians, supposedly our heroes, are increasingly being related to evil....because of starting WARS!!!!why?..same thing, conflicting ideas of acheiving peace..

except a small minority who use religion in politics, that is no different from religion anyway......if you call the iraq war, a holy war....

whatever i've said is all bullshit k....i don't know where all that came from, but could be from the possibility of kingdom of heaven which i watched yesterday....but nah, these were not from it...or at least communism isn't found in kingdom of heaven..

Well, i guess the best source to world peace right now is TELEVISION....including other sources like internet...or media..whatever...the very thing we believe corrupts our mind are actually something that can save us...that why, read the very top, no censorship...esp, NO CENSORSHIP TO SELF-EXPRESSION.....the other day, the crossfire show on ch u was critisizing blog about its dangers...god this adults don't understand that whatever can make us understand the people around us is so much better...TRANSPARENCY!!! if humans never wore any clothes, we'll be really honest ppl...

not convinced? ppl use to think wars are heroic....everyone wanted war...when televisions were invented, when ppl start seeing deaths on tv...thats when ppl were anti-war.....

last lesson, i guess all those are just crap....we just need to do things for the sake of others...my interpretation of courage...the movie 'pay it forward'...if we begin with the very basic, all the above trouble will be avoided, and we don't have to go thru the trouble of watching tv, and me telling others to watch tv..haha..
ziqi-8 49am....

Well, guess this entry isn't what i wanted it to be...what i waited for all this while(long long long long while) did not happen...lets just not talk about it....guess i've really changed a lot since she came into my life...

anyway...watched kingdom of heaven today..., since well had nothing on....

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............just don't feel like going on anymore...don't know how i'm feeling now either...don't remember feeling like this at all, usually when i'm sad i'll type a lot like before....guess i'm not sad....what explains the tears?

Well, tomorrow is one big day for me... Its something small though, but it isn't easy for me. Went thru quite a bit to this point...could very well be a turning point tomorrow, i hope...it has turned slightly recently anyway, but hope it gets better..(better, but still negative....e.g, -2 is nearer to positive than -3, but still not positive)......Its the first time i have ever done anything like this for anyone...i've never picked myself up this much from this hardest fall ever in my life..

And since today is fri the 13th, and it isn't that bad, tmr wouldn't get any worst either rite?

my past few entries are much shorter now, probably because i'm more involved in my life now...

Finally i took that first step...things are still uncertain though...finally did it...came to conclusion that if i never take this first step, i will suffer forever, or at least a very long time..but when that time comes, and i'm rejected, at least i won't suffer the same way or that much, maybe just in a different way...hmm..i don't know...guess everything will reveal itself in a few days time, if not a few days after that...or still maybe remain in the dark...Zzzz...but for now, i don't have any worries for a short while...

hope the blog entry this saturday will be good news....

yesterday i guess i hear somethings to be assured about, but i can't really be assured if i don't hear it from her personally though...and......................................guess i still unsure about too many things....

Yeah, what was i thinking...Hah!...but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do..

what a day...long unbearing remedial, short purposeless journey to IMM, can't eat well during lunch, had buffet lunch(for mother's day).............after that, walked around orchard a lot...looking for that genuine gift...(sorry, my blog today is quite boring, even though the day was interesting, i am really very tired to write properly)..from 4 30 pm.scaled far east plaza....nothing....takashimaya....nothing, heeren...it was 8pm..it was hard work....i wish i could tell you how i suffered....all the time i felt lost, i don't know what to get...i had some idea...but it was just very hard to get that perfect gift..sigh.....there was always tomorrow, but i was quite determined to get the gift today...went past these swatch shop....i really wanted to get the watch, but i had not enough money...so decided to come back another day with more money...price wasn't an issue, not that i wanted to get something expensive...but i just wanted something genuine...so i put everything on hold, and we went for dinner at yoshinoya at cineleisure...

well we were eating...i have to be demoralised again...we discussed that if it was too expensive, she might not accept...sigh..there goes it...i felt disappointed...running the scenario thru my head though, that she might not accept...sigh..so ended up walking up to 'more than words' upstairs..
got this big piglet...i didn't thought of the fact that it was big,just thought maybe she would like it.. and i bought it...wrapped it, and now i was face with a problem...i never realise i was buying something so big...who knows, she might not even accept something like this!...seriously, nothing exactly went thru my head when i was considering buying it...then later i was thinking how i was going to pass it to her,it was big you know.....if i meet her outside, would she even meet me?..

went back to taka...chung bought his tab book, and we just sat and talk for awhile till about 9 40 pm, we had to go...long day sigh...

it was too late though, sigh...felt like the day before valentine's day too...i wanted to get something, but i couldn't, spent the whole day searching...but just couldn't find 'it'...i wanted something genuine, not a soft toy or something....but i guess, thats probably the only thing she would accept rite now...

i dare say this and will never take back my words, that she is the best that ever happen to me...omg..why did i do this in the first place...destroy everything...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

I don't know...i don't know how you feel.....If i told you now that i miss you.If i told you now that i love you....what would you say?...i want to take the risk, but i can't risk not having the chance to talk to you anymore afterthat...

*dreaming....*

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm ABOUT TO TEAR MY OWN HEAD AND HEART OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON"T KNW WHAT TO DO WITH EVERYTHING......EVERYTHING IS SHIT.....AND NOW I'mABOUT TO MAKE SOME BIG CRAPPY DECISION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bfusebguioaoasduighpaseiohgposgiosdgohqHIOAWEIOPHGPSEUIOAHPIOAEHFHIOAWFIO:H