Thoughts of a 'Man'

enough time to say... sayonara

...............enjoyed this weekend tremendously...i wish i could tell everything but time is again the issue...........won't waste it over here..........

Dreams condenses to reality.....................

a thousand 'what ifs' cloud my head.............no amount of sub-communication is enough if you cannot reach inside you to pull that voice out...........

sounds familiar?.................i'm just too familiar with it..........

Anthony Robbins says to focus on the solutions not the problems.
not why is this happening??...but what else is not perfect?.

i have to etch this deeply into my head.........every encounter is a lesson......internalisation....
i have to remember this 'pseudo-disappointment' cos.....it'll be a scar to remind me of the pain.....

i'm watching table tennis finals right now...it so obvious that its not a battle of opponents but a battle of selves..........the one that can contain the anxiety and draw 'muscle memory', the years of practise, within the expanse brain to surface.........all MENTAL

I DECLARE MYSELF A ROBOT

Proximity proximity proximity all day.........

i'm gonna say it all here.......well, everyone has their moments.......PROOF...throw away my self-consciousness.......



The day was long gone. I had spend it entirely under the sun in search of something shiny. Well i had given up the sunday, given up the weekend. This had been another fruitless week. Some sort of semi-contendedness has made its way into my head and i was glad how things had turned or not turned out. Lines and themes of the movie 'The Beach' filled my head constantly. Partly due to the previous night as well. I see so many people just whiling their time away, sitting somewhere, relaxing, playing PSPs, studying. Yes it was really comfortable. I was so tempted to do the same. People hoping for that magical moment to arise, the opportunity to knock on their door. It just doesn't happen in reality. We There was a charity concert blaring away loudly just a level down. I thought of getting a coffee and just lie away the afternoon on one of the outdoor couches facing the sea in Pacific coffee but decided later to come back again with something to read. Entered Pageone. Entered a different comfort atmosphere. I merely wanted to skip in and out of the bookstore with something to read, but i ended up spending close to half an hour. This syndrome i have. I know, its 2 sides of my mind fighting one another. The unconscious just wants to escape from reality and laze, dwelling in the darkness i've been falling limitlessly for the past 19 years. (themes from the beach) People travel a thousand miles, spend thousands, just to live out the comforts, doing the same things they do at home. Discomfort, the unknown is the challenge that we should be appreciating. The conscious threw punches at me to wake up, you are deviating course, from your true purpose in life. Are you willing to declare your sperms GAY?!.... Took a flash glance at the big title that says "Awaken the Giant Within" by Anthony Robbins. My giant is sound asleep........................ >>>>FAST FORWARD>>>> 10 mins remaining.

After bouncing myself around the whole day,feels liek days, decided to leave for home. Heart still wants to enter into some stores. Its that 'magical-moment-that-suddenly-pops-out' feeling I want so hard to be rid off calling out to me. I gave in. Entered Pull-and-Bear. OK...so my pathetic little mind just wants some eye-candy. The Alpha-Male within me was like "WTF...you're not trying", but the Wimp never ceases. ok some sweet looking girl with his boyfriend. Oh hot girl in pants with his boyfriend. A little girl wearing emily the strange and all-star sneakers.(shes gonna blossom on day). GAWD....A milf....well nothing unusual...Blah blah blah....

This is that opportunity that i speak about that i always fail to realise and grab. Those Gladiator slippers have the nicest pair of legs on them! (shit time is running out, have to book in, gonna spare the last 5 mins..)...... can't grab an image of the face. Blue and white striped top.. I saw some jeans on sale..29.90.....i grab them to try it on...and another pair...then realise.........ITS THE WIMP AGAIN.....i didn't come here for JEANS!.....my headspace shifted in and out of mission mode.....Get in the game!...shes alone....looking at guy jeans...??????????????????...question marks feels my head...ooooohh. Another couple....*slaps myself on the forehead again* FOCUS HERE!...............i don't know what am i thinking...how is this even possible...it just seems so.......Shes is 90% chance a model....ok she comes closer...*shoot* i miss....i just can't pull the trigger to the mouth....paralysis strikes my backbone..even guys result to *deniability.... (3 more mins).....i flip thru some shirts grab one..and try it.....*OH FUCK WHAT AM I STILL DOING IN THIS CHANGING ROOM*........i got out......looked at some shirt rack ....i looked at her....she probably noticed....but i'm so comfortable with eye contact, it doesn't give away anything.....she walked towards me..proximity alert!.........she cam to the same rack...and was now 40 degrees facing me.................for the next 30 seconds.............................That same paralysis........................(overshoot 1 min)......she took her leave........she hung on to *deniability like all the girls did........unfortunately this was not the last.......again...we're now at the cashier..........i need to pay for that shirt i really love...what it says on that shirt, is what i wanna voice out loud..........................she was in front of me...she pair for some tops..........................cashier served me next...we just are just centimetres apart..as she took her time to keep her clothes, her money, her card, her whatever......*deniability, or i could be wrong............................

she left.....i took awhile to key in my PIN...................i left....with "SHIT I BLEW IT" i walked on........turned out........walked...turned right.....damn.....its her again.....now she thinks i'm probably stalking her........looks at me....speeds past me..................................................

thats it...encounter 2 another day............................ (overshoot 5 mins)

this entry should have been upped aons ago........but there was no point, until now the inner voice has demanded that it speaks..........

lately, i've begin to make some changes, measures.....

for good or for worst.......just trying to understand my psycological being, my own behavior, my excuses, my emotional state...its hard to control...........i've heard that hynoptism can cure phobias, render you immune to all fears.................................i'm really doing this the hard way........

exploring all different avenues, everything i can learn from..........everytime i step out of house these past few weeks, i seek new experiences....stepping out of the comfort zone sorta thing..........

so far...it has yet to bear fruit.....disappointments most of the time....but there are few successes to note.............still it doesn't stop me from trying...........

this concerns my future.........that piece of paper acknowledgement that i receive after 5 yrs is useless...............you can't mug and work your way up............................i taking every step to build that foundation for my health career and relationships.......

this is really beyond me, time and space....i really want to be one of those rare human beings on this planet that gets this all figured out..

the next 10 years will be an uphill battle....i'm not looking for petty rewards.......i'm not trying to earn anybody's respect....i don't give a fuck about anybody now....it's me alone against the 6.45 billion ppl on this overcongested bulging polluted space...............i don't give a shit what happens to me now...what ppl see me now.....i'm alone.....chances are the ppl i've spent the last 20 years getting to know will not be in my social circle within the next 10 years......... sad but true.........

we are preconstructed by evolution, immensely slow and outdated, to believe that the ppl we know will stay by our sides our entire lives.............sadly, if we don't cherish them at that moment.......they drift away so fast.............we don't live in tribes and villages that we grow up in and spend our entire lives within that tribal community where everyone knows everyone else..........the modern world has completely destroyed this, but we are late in adapting..................................

thats it...gonna take a long nap....

before i go on about today's garbage that nobody reads..........a list of random thoughts that grew tired of explaining

*i need to get dump at the toilet first* *break*

why did God give me legs if i was not to use it to run?

God gave me a mind not to hold me back........................

we run on a set of human instincts...............survival instincts..........

on the way back home late at night just now, this guy was holding on to his girl's hand, both of them with motorcycle helmets in their hands...........i passed them, walking in front them for at least 15 seconds.....i heard the man snicker...he mumbled to his girl, "zao can"(breakfast in mandarin)....he was referring to the coffee i just bought from coffee bean........(drinking that late at night)...fine..i thought they just found it funny.........seconds later...he shouted "zao can" again, in what was my interpretation as a desperate attempt to taunt me....i took a long stare back at them...

i don't really wanna break it down but i'll take the hassle to do so...........he saw me as a threat, and seeked to put me down mentally...........since he was with his girl, he was seeking validation from her, by framing himself as above other guys, like me..........oh well, you gotta give it to him for trying that hard..(hope thats what that girl would think)...........nevermind....

God made me a Man, so i would not become a pussy...........

Fearless....i need to stop being myself........start loving myself more, by hating myself more....if you do what you always do, you'll get what you'll always get...the enemy of the best is the good.....throw all that insecurities out the window.................

thats all for today...its all the time i can give...........and i haven't even went into "social alignments".....

in summary....really, we are just seeking value, not friendships........

guys..take the time to hate me...then you'll really know the person that i am........just like coffee, tea, alcohol, and cigarettes..........ppl enjoy all things bitter.....they know that by calibrating to this bitterness, they have a whole lot of pleasure waiting for them........................................

WHY...

i walk a path only a select few will ever chance upon.......... an invisible bridge available only to the ones who dare to fall into the abyss..........

did God make a fool of me today? or was i being taught a lesson?..............

though failure.........it was eventful.............lots to learn...good to experience.....

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