Thoughts of a 'Man'

ah....seriously screwed up................was sitting at the dining table to table to study for about 4 plus hours i guess....and i'm progressing at such a slow rate........i'm so afraid to think of whats going to happen to me if i fail to pass my midyears....this time, after having only paid lip-service to the idea, i might really be going to retain.......until now, am i really feeling that its coming true...argh........

after some debate with myself, even though there's only one way to go about it........which is just make up for with all i can...by just studying and hope to pass...'its too little, too late..' kept ringing at the back of my head..........

ah....no words........

ah....was feeling really down the whole of yesterday.....wasn't looking forward to my birthday because i know its not going to be much, and i don't want to expect much of it, in case i am dissatisfied.....then i was feeling really tired, restless.....slept at 5 at woeny's house with cheeps as well........the whole day i just felt sorry for myself(again.........)......and i when i got home and to writing this entry, i told myself that i will will will will start living live with absolute enthusiasm.... many ppl do this i guess, and many ppl fake it thinking it helps....but i guess its all in the mind and i'll have to psych myself up for a number of reasons....................

1) I was trying to study this current june holidays but it didn't really worked out because i was only telling myself that i want to do well for my mid years and forgetting about that stupid contract i signed with the hod that i'll have do well or at least pass my midyears to continue j2 or retain.................blardy Fuck

2) despite countless times of trying to overcome my patheticalness.....i keep forgetting the certain orientation of mind that i'm suppose to have to keep it going.....so i always fail.................i'm 18, and still for so many years, i'm feeling like this.....i seriously think everyone does too.........when i talk to my close friends.....words like 'damn sian...' will surely sound.........ask anybody how's life....they'll answer something like 'like that loh....damn sian.....also no girlfriend'...... thats how i answer also..........have to change.....have to think like an RI hwachong jock is 99% of the time overly-ambitious and confident with life.............

...........................

anyway.................

it was alright actually...just hanging out with my friends yesterday......i had lunch in the afternoon with my family, which was eh............nothing much..............after that imet shiping at about 5..we went looking for my converse shoes(not getting a third pair of trucks...a sneaker of another type) and he tried to find a pair of his heelys.....to no avail......met up with weijun and his friend...........we walked around and around the stupid town........i cannot stand the clothes nowadays...........whether its top shop, fcuk any crappy branded casualwear, or those commercialised by ahbeng 'underground' clothes...............either too hong kong(the freaking detail.........that tries to look punk, but not punk....)..................and the clothes that are nice, and though everyone around is looking so cool nowadays, i don't want to spend money(lots of money), buying just another nothing special bermuda, buying just another nothing special jeans, and just some expensive t shirt, that doesn't look very nice...........i know my dressing is not quality in anyway, maybe its because i have no money...but i won't buy something which is plain........not nice..........nuff said....................maybe its just ppl trying to fit in.........which i too seldom do i guess..........because i more emo.....

we met up with woeny....and when ships left, kwang hui joined....i finally got to go to this icecream place..daily scoop..supposedly founded by christians according to woen cheng the fanatic.............ok good icecream...........its 'high end' icecream for low price....i quite sure there are many of these dessert places around, esp in bukit timah........and i heard of a few but don't know where that servees italian dessert..............must really go.....its the only pleasure we have left.............

then everyone left and we met up with cheeping to go stay over at woeny house.....we had 'friendster challenge' something stupid.................played winning 11 for a few hours.....and watch 'hannibal rising' at 3...i told myself that i had to sleep early for to wake up early that day.....but i couldn't help myself to finish the whole movie.........was having a headache the whole day..........and slept only 3 hours...woeny and cheeps are church goers..........i'm not christian or what,but just go see see......(don't worry, i don't think i'll ever become one..)..................met some of woeny friends again..........and then went back to town together and to wander the same places again..............went for hair cut after that.......and now here.............

anyway......the last few times that we met up had been really really boring....this is what i msg praveen 5 secs ago......".......................but recently...the few of us got bored of town and walking around malls already. Damn sian.. Spending big buck on trying to eat good food.. but even the food sucks..............................have to find something worthwhile to do............"

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I should be happy.....this is why... (now i can be gay for expressing my appreciation.)

1)my family took time off to take me for lunch....even though during the last many birthdays...either they didn't care, pretended not to care, and mainly because i never could feel any warmth with my family that i distant myself from everyone....this year too, i tried to resist.....

2)father and mother gave me money.........and because they understand,by leaving me alone more than as compared to other parents.......(but they still 'harass' me to go to sleep and study)

3)bro and his gf, wah wah also came for lunch, they keep offering me alcohol also...and also made some food...(they took the point not to leave me out i guess..)

4)my sis also turn out for lunch..didn't mattered if she was late....(cos i know i'm the worst..I'm always late too...)..and when i learnt that she came all the way down from her place..and that she was very free...i thought if i were in her shoes, i would not have came....coz i would just laze my day off.....i most certainly be very reluctant...

but anyway, its like, family dining....adults make it so necessary to turn out....i dont understand and thought was unnecessary, esp since its my birthday...they shouldn't do this...i don't believe in 'family'...of course relationships are important..just not 'family'..don't need that acknowledgement.....and i guess everyone would hate me for having said that (like they hate gays and being racists.........)

5) I really really didn't expect(or didn't want) anyone to remember....but each message made me a happier person.....shiping was the first friend to wish me happy bday.......and amanda who i haven't talked to for some time also, thru the phone...serchung.....and ppl like linkang and hock chuan also msged even though i haven't got to talk to them for a long time...weijun, shiya, kwanghui(long time no see also), shafi, and eileen(long time too)................though few in number...

6) Shiping Weijun Woencheng Kwang hui Cheeping for the time spent

7)woencheng's friends(both new and familiar faces), wj friend too.. for company.....
7+)church...for the...well....okay formulaic music....

8)Woeny's parents for always buying us lots of food....seriously.....

9)Eve for the free hairdo

10) Daniel Lacson for having told me that he got me something.....lol....half believing that he is only kidding...

and of course all the memories during the previous yrs.....the great times with nyps friends.....my uncle for buying and giving me lots of toys..........lots...lightsaber, RC tank, shrek figurines, Startrek spaceship models......ctss friends who have got me lots of stuff too.....skateboard, the plush toys(i love soft stuff), the slipper which i wore only once(2 weeks ago),socks(haven't wear, haven't open),belt(over worn),flying disk....chopsticks.lol<---this one..man..lolololol..... I hope i'm happy.........

yesterday, i watched pirates of the carribean: at world's end...............it received many bad reviews, that sequels never hold up to its first movie...because audiences expect more and more from each new movie.....but i thought it was a good movie, because the scenes, art, concepts were illogical, bizzare, twisted....i'm always so vulnerable to these stuff...once it catches my attention, i cannot stop thinking about it whether conciously or unconciously.................


at the concepts and philosophies in the matrix were plausible.......and because it somehow follow the bible...it is plausible and not 'illogical'......maybe we(or only me) are so used to western, biblical art, that we find other ideas foreign........(i think you haven't go my point yet)........

The weird type of fantasy such as 'Alice in wonderland', though i haven't finished reading it....like captures me or something, i'm like absorbed into the world and like sucked into its pages, pictures whatever.......after reading a bit of it.....i dreamt of it that night....about some hippo swallowing the world...i think i blogged about it in a prev entry........i remember watching this david bowie movie my sis showed me, 'Labyrinth'....i'm not sure if the recent one "Pan's Labyrinth" by some latin american director is the same story, but after watching it....i dreamt of it.......................I always cannot control my dreams, like some ppl can....and can never tell myself that its a dream...maybe my mind is weak...but dreams like these always start where i left off in real life....which is i awake from bed, and find this rainbow-coloured, beady caterpillar with spiky hair wearing those 'harry potter' glasses....(after watching labyrinth).....it can talk, and i was talking to it................


Then recently there were these japanese anime that explored such stuff... like full metal alchemist, all the alchemy stuff...so weird, the images were, i was hooked....the resurrected mother, an entire city submerged underground due to 2 alchemists taking the lives of those about to die from 'black death' to make the philosopher stone...the parallel universe of our world with the world that uses alchemy..one universe like ours thrives in mechanics that we lose our ability to do alchemy..and if you die in one world, you go thru the gates to the other world..blah blah...for alchemy,go here and check it out...






http://www.levity.com/alchemy/emblems_project.html













..wah damn weird.......then there was bleach, which though not its main theme...and besides all the sword slashing and monsters.....the weird concepts were also mind boggling....it must have been a serious toll on the producers to make sense of something very nonsensical....like the big training grounds in the basement of the shop house so deep, clouds formed at the top, and so wide that you can't see beyond the horizon, (a horizon to begin with)..........the mod soul, a manufactured soul............another animation which is dark and weird is 'robin' which is showing now in arts central...

then there was pirates of the carribean.........the first and second was just like piratey, with piratey lore(flying dutchmen, aztec gold curse...), just mythology and nothing beyond our minds and imagination........but the third movie.....there was the 'end of the world'....not armageddon, but that the world was flat, and if you got lost and sailed straight long enough, you drop down the edge.....it was cool because the ship sailed passed the 'antartica' (since they were at singapore)......then later to some place warmer then down.....captain barbossa was saying that if you wanted to get somewhere no one will ever come across, you'll have to get lost....then after they dropped down........to presumably 'Davy jones' locker'....

now i don't know where this place is......is it the spirit realm, or the 'kraken'(the giant squid's) stomach........because death is always associated with 'Davy jones' locker' by pirates, or in the movie...yet jack sparrow was in the squids stomach.........(shiping says that the kraken was a transporter of the dead souls, like the flying dutchmen.....transport spirits the the netherworld.)..

ok...."davy jones' locker" scene was also cool....it was this place.....with no sky(not sure).....and no landscape...its a flat ground, and flat sky..............then there were pebbles, that were actually crabs disguised as pebbles...very nice.....then when everyone reunited and tried to leave "davy jones' locker".....it got cooler....as they sailed...there were spirits here and there....then this concept that blew my mind..........when sunsets in the netherworld, was the sunrise in the mortal world......something like that.......then i starting thinking of the hourglass....you flip it upside down once the sand(time runs out) to restart the time rite?....then the same thing happened in the movie.......the crew try to overturn the boat as it was approaching 'sundown'.......i'm not sure if everyone watching was expecting it.....but i was expecting the sky and the sea to switch places....it did...and the effect was something like in the hourglass......imagine the sand to be the sea, and the empty space, the sky......the screen became upside down, and the water was now above the boat..........then it came pouring down.........and they were in the mortal world..(but the kraken?...jack was in its stomach.......and later they sailed to an island where the kraken's corspe was found...

another good thing about the movie, if i was not wrong.....the pirates lords in the movie were actually real pirates during those times.....i read a lot about it last time, and i forgot about it...but the flag emblems looked so familiar...and 'black beard' was it?...i forgot the name...the pirate from the middle east, that hide his gold in his turban....modern day kurds....

i didn't think much about the movie afterwards, as i was feeling quite depressed, going home late again, alone...blah blah......then i dreamt when i was asleep......in the dream i was on the way home,then i went to sleep..... i woke up in bed, and immediately i was stunned, like frozed in bed.....above me was no ceiling....it was night time, and i could like see stars the whole galaxy....realistic twinkling stars( i think there was a scene in potc where the night sky was filled with stars, and the reflection of the sea, made it look as if the ship was in outer space).......then i started searching for shooting stars.....then suddenly a few honeystars-shaped(the cereal) stars flew around......i was at that time feeling really shocked...too shocked to move....that feeling was so awesome, you'll never get to feel it in real life......imagine like seeing God for the first time..............the more stuff appeared......there were like giant ants, centipede, all the creepy crawlies you can imagine...the were like now real, but outlines by bold glowing yellow blocky lines..other than these lines they were transparent....and they were giant....they were crawling across the galaxy in a line....their size was overwhemingly big, it was like they were marching across the galaxy, the universe.....

then in the dream, i awoke from that dream....wah...awaking so many times...and still inside a dream.........the starry dream was a subset of the dream in a dream i was having....its really confusing..i wish i could draw a picture..........i stood up in bed and my bro from the next room rushed in...he said he had this dream...then i said i had the same dream....then we were like pondering.....and then when we stopped....he returned to his room...i looked out the window.....it was day time already..and it was about to rain......suddenly, these squares appeared in a part of the sky, then imagine the square with lines that split the squares in the 4 triangles, the tip of each triangle in contact, so they were of equal area and equal angles.........

then i ran to my bro's room and asked him to look...then we were looking out, the squares disappeared....but a min later.....cartoonish like white with baby-blue striped mini squids(must be potc) were showering down...then we shut the windows and all....they were slamming against the windows and the walls out side........i was begginging to feel like it was an alien invasion....then these squids started to like osmose into the walls....like coming thru them and into the room...i rushed to tell my parents...but they were like ignoring and talking about stocks and shares.................then i'm not sure, but i forgot about everything else................then i woke up....when i woke up, i was in wary that i was still in a dream..really...and it took me a long time before i realise i was really awake.........

it reminded me of the picture of the stairway that leads to nowhere...it was showed in riddle books and on the mrt advertisements i think.....the illusion thing....where they ask if the picture looked like an old woman or a young lady....there were 3 sets of stairs....each on top of another that goes in a circle...but you can't tell which is on top of which...........

trying to look for the picture, but couldn't find it...but there were architects inspired by these i think.....and made these...(pictures from wikipedia)