Thoughts of a 'Man'

ah....was feeling really down the whole of yesterday.....wasn't looking forward to my birthday because i know its not going to be much, and i don't want to expect much of it, in case i am dissatisfied.....then i was feeling really tired, restless.....slept at 5 at woeny's house with cheeps as well........the whole day i just felt sorry for myself(again.........)......and i when i got home and to writing this entry, i told myself that i will will will will start living live with absolute enthusiasm.... many ppl do this i guess, and many ppl fake it thinking it helps....but i guess its all in the mind and i'll have to psych myself up for a number of reasons....................

1) I was trying to study this current june holidays but it didn't really worked out because i was only telling myself that i want to do well for my mid years and forgetting about that stupid contract i signed with the hod that i'll have do well or at least pass my midyears to continue j2 or retain.................blardy Fuck

2) despite countless times of trying to overcome my patheticalness.....i keep forgetting the certain orientation of mind that i'm suppose to have to keep it going.....so i always fail.................i'm 18, and still for so many years, i'm feeling like this.....i seriously think everyone does too.........when i talk to my close friends.....words like 'damn sian...' will surely sound.........ask anybody how's life....they'll answer something like 'like that loh....damn sian.....also no girlfriend'...... thats how i answer also..........have to change.....have to think like an RI hwachong jock is 99% of the time overly-ambitious and confident with life.............

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anyway.................

it was alright actually...just hanging out with my friends yesterday......i had lunch in the afternoon with my family, which was eh............nothing much..............after that imet shiping at about 5..we went looking for my converse shoes(not getting a third pair of trucks...a sneaker of another type) and he tried to find a pair of his heelys.....to no avail......met up with weijun and his friend...........we walked around and around the stupid town........i cannot stand the clothes nowadays...........whether its top shop, fcuk any crappy branded casualwear, or those commercialised by ahbeng 'underground' clothes...............either too hong kong(the freaking detail.........that tries to look punk, but not punk....)..................and the clothes that are nice, and though everyone around is looking so cool nowadays, i don't want to spend money(lots of money), buying just another nothing special bermuda, buying just another nothing special jeans, and just some expensive t shirt, that doesn't look very nice...........i know my dressing is not quality in anyway, maybe its because i have no money...but i won't buy something which is plain........not nice..........nuff said....................maybe its just ppl trying to fit in.........which i too seldom do i guess..........because i more emo.....

we met up with woeny....and when ships left, kwang hui joined....i finally got to go to this icecream place..daily scoop..supposedly founded by christians according to woen cheng the fanatic.............ok good icecream...........its 'high end' icecream for low price....i quite sure there are many of these dessert places around, esp in bukit timah........and i heard of a few but don't know where that servees italian dessert..............must really go.....its the only pleasure we have left.............

then everyone left and we met up with cheeping to go stay over at woeny house.....we had 'friendster challenge' something stupid.................played winning 11 for a few hours.....and watch 'hannibal rising' at 3...i told myself that i had to sleep early for to wake up early that day.....but i couldn't help myself to finish the whole movie.........was having a headache the whole day..........and slept only 3 hours...woeny and cheeps are church goers..........i'm not christian or what,but just go see see......(don't worry, i don't think i'll ever become one..)..................met some of woeny friends again..........and then went back to town together and to wander the same places again..............went for hair cut after that.......and now here.............

anyway......the last few times that we met up had been really really boring....this is what i msg praveen 5 secs ago......".......................but recently...the few of us got bored of town and walking around malls already. Damn sian.. Spending big buck on trying to eat good food.. but even the food sucks..............................have to find something worthwhile to do............"

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I should be happy.....this is why... (now i can be gay for expressing my appreciation.)

1)my family took time off to take me for lunch....even though during the last many birthdays...either they didn't care, pretended not to care, and mainly because i never could feel any warmth with my family that i distant myself from everyone....this year too, i tried to resist.....

2)father and mother gave me money.........and because they understand,by leaving me alone more than as compared to other parents.......(but they still 'harass' me to go to sleep and study)

3)bro and his gf, wah wah also came for lunch, they keep offering me alcohol also...and also made some food...(they took the point not to leave me out i guess..)

4)my sis also turn out for lunch..didn't mattered if she was late....(cos i know i'm the worst..I'm always late too...)..and when i learnt that she came all the way down from her place..and that she was very free...i thought if i were in her shoes, i would not have came....coz i would just laze my day off.....i most certainly be very reluctant...

but anyway, its like, family dining....adults make it so necessary to turn out....i dont understand and thought was unnecessary, esp since its my birthday...they shouldn't do this...i don't believe in 'family'...of course relationships are important..just not 'family'..don't need that acknowledgement.....and i guess everyone would hate me for having said that (like they hate gays and being racists.........)

5) I really really didn't expect(or didn't want) anyone to remember....but each message made me a happier person.....shiping was the first friend to wish me happy bday.......and amanda who i haven't talked to for some time also, thru the phone...serchung.....and ppl like linkang and hock chuan also msged even though i haven't got to talk to them for a long time...weijun, shiya, kwanghui(long time no see also), shafi, and eileen(long time too)................though few in number...

6) Shiping Weijun Woencheng Kwang hui Cheeping for the time spent

7)woencheng's friends(both new and familiar faces), wj friend too.. for company.....
7+)church...for the...well....okay formulaic music....

8)Woeny's parents for always buying us lots of food....seriously.....

9)Eve for the free hairdo

10) Daniel Lacson for having told me that he got me something.....lol....half believing that he is only kidding...

and of course all the memories during the previous yrs.....the great times with nyps friends.....my uncle for buying and giving me lots of toys..........lots...lightsaber, RC tank, shrek figurines, Startrek spaceship models......ctss friends who have got me lots of stuff too.....skateboard, the plush toys(i love soft stuff), the slipper which i wore only once(2 weeks ago),socks(haven't wear, haven't open),belt(over worn),flying disk....chopsticks.lol<---this one..man..lolololol..... I hope i'm happy.........