Thoughts of a 'Man'

Away to think of things and sort things out................

its about one week since 'freedom', not that long ago..............from that day on, i've been living like a vampire.......for an entire week, partly because i do 'not' have the choice , sleeping at 4 or 5 am everyday... and today i slept at 8 am until 4 pm...its physically tormenting not to sleep.........

i pledge to not go out for the next few days and stay at home and sleep.............or reach home before 12am.........its not so much that i do not have a choice to go home and sleep, just that whenever i'm out, there is no bed with me........

this week, do the things i NEED to do..........
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oh no...i've got it all wrong...........i'm reverting to this person that i do not want to be....no more no more no more about me...............before i return to sort out my life, and meet my objectives...first let me finish watching heroes....before i think through this..........or i'll forever be damned, stupid dumb..............the world will be coated with plastic.......

i don't care what .....................................we've become all too selfish with mememememememe..............and now i need to question this.....the y generation supposedly the sad generation has no good reason to be sad even though there is an excuse for it...................................................................................

i'm damn tired..............should have rested more......and not staying out so much.........

i call it the 'post-exam-depression'....'pregnancy' has ended....but i there's nothing to look forward to now....its only a day after the last paper but it felt like it was 3 days, or a week has passed already..........

ahhhhhhhh....lets see....can't count on my luck these days.........its been fluctuating in extremes since yesterday.....but well, the bad luck seems to be affecting those around me as well...haha.....

decided to go island creameries after dinner last night because we had nothing much to do...and partly cos we were still hungry after having pizza at spizza....we decided not to order anymore and save our precious stomach space for other stuff.......when we dropped off at the nearest stop to serene centre......it was already raining.....ah....and everyone was either sick, tired, and pissed or something.......when we got to the shop....it was fuLL! on a week day........well, half expected it to be full since ice cream parlours like these are always full......they seem to offer a cosier ambience compared to chains like ben and jerry's, haagendaz..........so we settled for MACDONALDS...haha..omg.............weijun bought an icecream cone.......and was complaining about how little and distorted it was served.......after which he dropped it.........later when me and wj wanted to head to kh house on foot, it freaking started to pour again......we took a taxi anyway...........this morning, i got bitten by some flying insect, kh slipped and fell as we were walking to ngee ann poly's busstop....and a gigantic red ant fell on me in the bus.......what a Series of Unfortunate Events........

oh well, on the lighter side of things, got to hang out with friends, and bumped into many familliar faces.................. finally without having something like a lvls ever creeping at the back my head ever again.......... unless i should retake it next year?!

Isn't this merely merely merely a 'dopamine rush'?

Sometimes my really old parents(well all adults do......) go on and on about how much they've been through in life to be able to understand the entirety, triviality, unknown corners of whatever they claim to know.......

they'll say soemthing like " i'm a very good judge of character." or "bu ting lao ren yan, chi kui zai yan qian"...or "i can relate well to what his going through now.."..or even some elevated sixth sense that they believed they've developed through maturity.....and when soemthing they say actually turns out true, it only serves in reinforcing their...............ignorance.................bullshit...

they(adults) think their years of experience give them answers to everything, and they stop to learn even if they make a mistake......what i wanna say is, its this 'uncertainty' in everything...

.....'fog-of-war'......

(from wiki):
The fog of war is a term used to describe the level of ambiguity in situational awareness experienced by participants in military operations
The term "fog of war" has become jargon in military and adventure video and computer games, in the more limited sense of enemy units or characters being hidden from the player.

in turn, i'll sound ignorant as well for doubting their 'years of experience' or pure luck...but as GP students, maturity certainly does not come with age........i would usually pass off their unwanted, unsightful advice.....in my head, music and books will tell what i know....whether art, through the eyes of others, i will actually get the answers i'm seeking, i'll never know either.......

well for me, i'll always always try to listen harder to my mind......cause at least it seeks outs the most realistic perspectives.......oftimes, emotions only gets in the way, it confuses you to no end.........and sometimes i can't tell whether its my heart or my mind leading the way, whether i'm being realistic or completely ridiculous.....you won't know whether you're thinking straight most of the time...cos the heart(emotions) and mind are really just our brain.............we won't know whether our opinions are subjective or objective, whether these opinions are meddled with by our emotions.....(i'm not trying to get any point across here...these are just what i think.)

this guy, Sigmund Freud, well known psychologist....a jew (why are the jews so smart..).....says(my interpretation) that sex is the primary motivation in life, that whatever we do ultimately is to obtain sex...thru money or power........

many people doubt him.............and i have doubts about it too.....but i wonder if he himself had any doubts about it....and if he had no doubts about his own theories, could he be subjective? since this great need in him to convince ppl about his theories may only bring in his moods and emotions into the picture and make him less objective even when he is trying to be as realistic as possible by saying sex and procreation is all there is to life...

and those ppl who doubt him....are they also being subjective.....they would never want to believe something as 'real' as that....no one would want to hear that his purpose in life was to have sex......well, and also because for the ones who aren't getting any sex, they are pathetic and purposeless if it was true........i guess everyone, and maybe God planned it that way that, we would rather accept something as fantastic as "Love makes the world go round"....or "A hungry lover is better than a rich loner.." <---made this one my self..lolol.............well, the idea of love..........whats love...all that jizz up there today leads to this......my thesis statement--->...love is not fragile, cos love may not even exist....

i think my parents got married about 20 plus.......they to each other was the first and only relationship they ever had...yet they try to preach to me about what is love from time to time like they've had many partners in life.....everyone have their own ideas and concepts about love, but when they try to like pile it on you with tonnes and tonnes of their fantastical, 'through rose-tinted glasses' perceptions of love as the absolute...........agitates me a little............hmmmmmmmm.....to think of it now......everytime when someone tries to convince one, by speaking clearly, even by pouring out all the justifiable evidence, even when its true....we will not be convinced until we are to see if for ourselves firsthand......(no wonder i'm so bad in convincing ppl, and ppl only disagree with what i have to say...bad persuasion methods imparted unconciously from my parents....)

anyway,
is love finding 'Neo'?....is love finding your other half?... is love the compatibility of two signs on the astrology charts..?

well, i'll go into my own experience........ if all these that i've felt is love, then love doesn't really exist.....if love exist, then i guess i haven't had the luxury of having found true love yet....

hmm....i guess i don't really wanna say this after all......and in plain view......
the clown story which was left unfinished before the a lvls, when all that action unfolds....i'll be able to camoflage and express my view through it..... all these was actually what the clown story was about in the first place..

until then, its more things left unsaid and unfinished....



on a side note, i just can't shut up.....when something contradictory of whatever someone else perceives to be true happens.....i can't help myself but say 'see, i told you so...'.........sorry to all the silent enemies that i've made.....

time to whine again....i'm so bored...someone please rescue me........... i forsee myself being really bored after the exams.....oh man......i've got many plans though, but i don't think it would help much in making me less bored......since most of it are just plans for self-development, well everything we do must have benefits rite?......

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........the future is bleak.....................national service in january..........not that i want it any later............oh well, there really nothing to look forward to..........

and my a lvl results won't be that great either......... i don't want to go into the distant future.....

how about now, whats next..............don't remember worrying so much over what to do during the holidays...its like having my mid-life crisis...........well, having a 'mid-life crisis' wouldn't be so bad either, at least i'll start to take my life more seriously and plan................

i have exactly 7 weeks to live life in nitro........considering the exams have ended today..(2 more mcqs...)....live like a spppeeeeeeeeeed demon............just while and daydream it away? or find some purpose in life?....oh yeah my incurable influenza!!!!!!!!!!!!........i really will not be able to do much over the next few weeks if i don't heal............i better go and sleep.........or i'll die from flu..........

its been a long time since i posted something......was exactly last week rite...hmm......time passed quickly especially when its been so stale recently...the a lvls..oh man......never in my life have i thought so much about what i wanna do for the rest of my life...the a lvls really determines what you do in future, esp if you aspire to be a doctor or lawyer...........if i could enter one of these professions i surely would, but i don't think i'll be able to handle the stress as a doctor or lawyer, if i can't even swift through my studies without hassle or stress........doctor, study till you're 30 before you can begin your career.....what happens then during 20-30, well its not a big deal if you know your calling in life is to be a doctor, to save lives, esp those living in poverty.....i always had the idea that a doctor would want to go to africa and save all those ppl........if its your calling...good....

i mean....ppl think that when your in your 20s, you would be living the high life, prowling clubs or just while life away with friends......but when you're in your 20s, its really the period in your life when the rat race is most intense.....after graduation....you'll working your way up, climbing the coporate ladder, and hopefully earn lots of money......

its whats been going through my mind recently,........no one thinks about it really until one actually reaches the crossroads, ok ppl like me at least.....i guess there are ppl already corusing towards their goals in life since primary school..........the course that i'll end up in with the grades i'll be getting in my a lvls....hopefully i'll get into a course that i want...if not i'll most probably retake my a lvls......

and i can't seem to decide what i want to do in life............i haven't had any workshadowing experience that some got to go through....most of us don't even know the things that we'll be learning in a university course will be like, and some already know what they want to do....i haven't worked part-time.........the experience i have of life as an adult is probably through the television...i guess no one will know what they're going to go through until they're going through it.............so i guess i just want to earn lots of money......until i can decide what i want to do in life............change the world perhaps? or just pursue the luxuries and vices........*yawn*......

i think its good i seriously considering my 'destiny' if i'm not just going to die young.........i think many ppl don't really look that far ahead either.....we just do whats there for us to do...whats expected, whats required......not all doctors or lawyers aspired to be one from a young age......they probably just ended up there too.......of course, they have cleared their examinations
with or without hardwork.........

i just want lots of money..........if only i was a genius at something, a highly talented teenage hacker, gamer, musician or even physicist or something....

well, and if i don't stand up and do something about it, like organise my life or something, i probably won't be earning lots of money when i'm at my 30s.!....been taking it all too easy all this while........

nows not the time to be whining.......

oh my god...............i'm F-I-N-I-S-H-E-D...................i screwed up my chem paper 3......don't even know what i was doing...felt like i sleep-walked into the examination.....i scored 2 marks in 20 mins....i think.......i was one and a half questions behind.........make that about 2 out of 4 questions........if i still want an A..........i think i still have 7 days exactly to make it up............i wonder if its possible...............................

retake A lvls.....i wonder if i need to do PW and mother tongue all over again................oh shit...........................

The whole world told me i had only one chance, it was I who didn't listen............

I'm easy prey for distraction.....its really hard to not resort to escapism when the pressure these days are building up high and thick....argh.....must constantly remind myself of my piorities, and not squander my time away......which i did a couple of times the past week, which i could have used to revise and futher assure myself of a better grade.......

i'm gonna give myself 10 mins now, before sinking back into my books....ahhhhh........

slacked the entire day yesterday, cos i was quite confident of my chem, and having covered everything....but realised today that i really must go through all the notes and do some practices.......or i'll be whipped into paste on monday......

ok, i succeeded in warming my seat for 3 hours just now without going thru much......argh........better get my engine running before i regret it.....

just can't stop thinking of all the unnecessary things.......should put the world behind me now, where everything should just vanish except me my books and the examination.............

outta here...........

*transported to another dimension.....the fifth dimension of space-time-study..*