Thoughts of a 'Man'

I should have stayed........ It started raining really heavily just a while ago......usually i find it very satisfying to be in the comfort of my own home when it rains.....after all the stress and noise and pressure of the day, all i want to hear is the sound of rain, and rain drops lashing against the windows........there is comfort in that moment of solitude.........however, it is no longer the same....

today however, feeling of lonliness is being further amplified by the rain...rain washes away everything, and changes many things.......(its lame and corny to be stimulated by rain in the first place......).....i felt i should have stayed in school a little longer......who knows what will change when i'm not there..........seek the soul of another? i have only myself to blame if that really happens............well, it wouldn't have been different if i was there would it?

destiny.......

things recently slightly changed in my favour....hope it does not change to something bad.....

I felt like i have to blog right now.....basically i avoid blogging even though i do have the urge to say something to this green page and anyone who do accidentally stumble upon here(advertisement spam maybe..) because the examinations are around the corner and i should either be resting or studying.......i switched on my comp and opened windows media player.....its constantly on shuffle..so i just let it play something in random.......This song 'tongue tied' by a band not that popular, called Farrah.........started playing....the lyrics and the title..inspired me to come here now and note how tongue tied i've been over the past many days........

Countless times i've heard this song ages ago, but i merely appreciated it for its cheery melody...tongue-in-cheek lyrics......but i never really understood how it felt........maybe i did, but i just wasn't familiar with it to identify myself in that situation.....but now.....

there are no transcription of the lyrics...so i'll just give the relevant parts here..

Tongue tied......inside so shy.....(the dots are the words that i'm not sure about...)......There were so much that i should have said. when i tried, the words died. And when you looked at me i didn't swallow, and then you turned away, i felt so hollow...................

you get the idea......i really think ppl will view me as retarded....yes, as psychotic as an ass........

Anyway, my hair really didn't make it this time......the fringe is disgusting and i feel like an idiot...i generally do not care about my hair....but this certainly is not the hair i want when i'm dead and in my coffin.......i've never talked about it much so i guess i'll just talk about it here....always felt having random and different shapes on my head were more like experiments to me..its just a perspective i have about change and overcoming it like a challenge, instead of being secure with your environment.......and it will be amusing especially when i look at the mirror and start laughing at it or just point the finger at myself....i remember shaving my head the other time for the team.......it was great experience....that came with great sacrifice..cos it looked like shit.....sometimes when you think about it while walking in public, you may have that refreshing feeling, like throwing your life away, or being something someone else.......or most times, don't think about it at all.......

....shall just end here...got many stuff to talk about, but of not much importance.....or i'm not in the mood coz my mind has not been thinking about anything much anymore......its into hibernation mood for the examinations, school life, trying to do all that homework or that distraction......consider my brainwaves being concentrated into a 'laser', unidirectional, monochromatic,(if i'm not wrong) in phase?....

study study study....thats all i have to do each and everyday, but thats something i have not been doing for a long long time.............

"tmr BETTER STUDY' this what i tell myself....but i really really genuinly hope to myself that i will study....i just wated one more day today..doing absolutely nothing......just sleep sleep sleep....what a LOUSY way to waste time.......work yields more satisfaction than to be lazy....mr yeo says something along those lines which noone can disagree i guess....( i don't worship him..i despise his attitude)...

Friday, we had this handball competition which i thought was stupid......i did a whole lot of running, but didn't really touched the ball........then i went over to woeny house to begin my first day in our very own study programme....i think me woeny eileen shafiqah and jianwen will be in it......weiyan was over there with jianwen on scout business.........didn't really talk to them much....feeling like a stranger, i just got upstairs to study.....me woeny and eileen was in the room....and we started talking about this holiday retreat plan that we had a week ago and was going to happen in less than 2 weeks........the weekend after the next, we'll be going to the shangri-la resort at sentosa!!!!!......omg............then when eileen jw and wy left......me and woeny started talking about quantum mechanics......all the bizarre theories about light, perception of time..how the black cat in a box is not inside the box...blah blah blah.....felt like a new religion to me......

On saturday.....my most dreadful daze......i don't know if this can be considered a good or bad day...............i went to school for arts day and was 20 mins late for the workshop on film.....i entered and just sat somewhere and watched....after a few minutes, i immediately realised it was SIngapore Gaga......without watching much of it...it was just the impression that i had of it everytime i see the cds on shelves and it happened to be similar.......after the film ended....about less than an hour......The director, Tan Pin Pin... talked to us about it......wow.....must be really dedicated......was going to ask her something...but since i guess i was alone i didn't have the guts......she was more of a quiet person...even though she tried to share as much as she could...she basically films everything about singapore that goes unnoticed............the 4.33min of silence.....it said something like, too often we're too busy and lost in our own thoughts that we lose focus on the sights and sounds that are happening around us, that should be appreciated.........ah........all this while i thought it was good to be thinking about something all the time....one can't stop thinking rite.....

k the rest of arts day sucked...........really boring talenttime performance.......had to sit through it.....then later me serchung and ships hanged around town..............i think it was the talenttime performance that actually ruined my whole day, from that point onwards, all my spirits seemed to have been drained, must have been another 'artistic' experience....from far east plaza, we then went to ngee ann city............at ngee ann city.....i was a complete walking zombie.........for about 2 hours i think we were just going here and there everywhere...there was just no mood for anything........walked parts of the food fare, went to kinokuniya to further amplify my discomfort for feeling restless......i don't know how to explain this....but i think it was genuinely the most restless moment in my entire life, if not i would not have felt like that........that feeling of just wanting to go home and sleep(and also not really wanting to, because its going to feel worst, being really really bored)....we have been wanting to get a drink the whole while, and since the coffee club was full at kino was full, and also since i didn't felt like drinking coffee(i think i was having a full blown PMS.)....we instead decided to go to the basement for Coffee bean,tea leaf....uugh......so i followed the lead of my 2 friends........they walked and i just followed. For a point of time, my mind kinda shut out...it was empty and blank, everything around me was in literally playing in Fast Forward mode......i was just walking alone, i even lost the presence of ships and chungs......then i felt a tap on my shoulder....i spun around instinctively and took a second to comprehend what ever had just happened....i tilted my gaze down, then saw that familiar face, my first 3 months ogl........i was frightened by this wake up call,after being in a daze....she warned me about the A lvls, and that i shouldn't be out...i was contemplating to myself 'damn, i really should be studying...'.........i was still semi zombie and could hardly hold the conversation......i said i was going to retain or something......and spew something like 'how are you'......then bye, i did not catch up with anything that was going on in her life..or if she was happy sad bored or what....my head was empty.....didn't noticed who she was with either...as i walked away,then it dawned upon me that she must think i'm rude or something......oh well, i really didn't mean it..but it was too late.....

at coffee bean, i ordered a drink, there wasn't much of a decision to be made as there were few choices.......after the drink....we decided to part our separate ways....and i went home............zzzzzzzzzz

ahh...tomorrow never dies....i better start changing my life..................i don't wanna be forsakened by the world and god...............

The best thing i can do is to return home each day, slam my room door and stick it to the 'man'...the world now has been everything that is going wrong.......its those times, where for a second you feel like your tears would gush out at that moment, when a bit of it does....you calm yourself and stop and think and blame it all on the world...simply a defense mechanism against breaking down.....and its those times, where all these thoughts manifest and i come here to write it down.

besides feeling like the world has passed me by, i feel as if everything that shouldn't happen happens........

maybe its these times where ppl turn to religion seeking assurance......but i think for me, these seems impossible.....its hard to believe in something that my mind just acknowledges non-existent, and harder to believe why God would even bother with our problems...and the only other way to go is to go against everything.......

maybe life is like this...maybe its a sort of simulation or not, where if you start losing your confidence everything in 'your' world goes wrong or seem to go wrong.....until you start to pick yourself up, then everything will just turn out right.........

wah i hope i could distract myself with studies like i did in the o lvls........give up hope on resolutions and just study....


i was watching these episode about dogs on animal planet......

usually its strict documentary style of format....

however episode on dogs was different....it reflects the lives of dogs with that of our own lives and the philosophies of nature by using some science of how dogs live.......

hunters, retrievers, herders, sleigh dogs, guard dogs were all bred by humans and because of our purpose for them, they evolve very quickly over a few generations equipping themselves with exaggerated abilities to fufil the duties we ask of them......

Dogs know that in order to survive, they have to depend on man.......and they know that the only way man would ever keep them alive is if man is also dependent on dogs, and that man would need them and benefit as well, so they do this by being resourceful, and allow them selves to please man anyway possible.....to ensure survival......

This is sort of like working for the boss to earn your salary....as they are being trained, and evolution begins with the following generations, they become accustomed to doing these duties, and it becomes their way of life....hardwork soon becomes something they enjoy doing........and like a game, that is all that they would want to do, and for their entire lives, they would dedicate to doing it......they find this purpose thru enjoying doing something they would do everyday.......

also, nature enhances their abilities and that urge to do so.......


i begin thinking and feel that it is true about what it says, that nature actually makes us enjoy doing the things we need and must do to ensure survival..............

well, of course...i started arguing against it...i have to study, soon i will have to enter army, then i will have to find a job and work like hell.......doing all these things because i need to survive...that sure doesn't sound like fun......and i'm convinced that, everyone as well, that we would certainly complain about life every single day because every day in life seems just like a chore......

but then i thought again......that nature did not make any exceptions for us humans.....(i guess)

i believe i dislike going to school....i believe if that there was no pressure or force by others, i would not go to school....... however...i go to school everyday not because i'm being forced to.....nothing can pressure you enough to do something you do not want......if we really hate something, we would always behave like rebels and sacrifice our lives and not go school.......

and sooner than we know it, an illusion perhaps, our lives seem to revolve around our work, our studies...even though we seem to hate it, it cannot be untangled so easily....and then....as nature had planned it, maybe maybe maybe we're enjoying work or study unconciously......to students, this i know, school is life.....we think about books, subjects, results, examinations, friends, teachers, the toilets, the lectures, the food?...................

think about it.....

also....there were talking about dogs in this new era, some of them are being spoilt....some owners 'love' and spoil their dogs too much that they become slaves to dogs...........going too often to doggie salons, doggie restaurants, doggie branded clothing and accessories......think paris hilton and her chi hua hua.....(she owes one?)............dog behavior resembles that of their owners........for example, woen cheng's dog dodger, is fat, low in stamina...and like to eat a lot...wherenever we eat, it will bark non stop.....jkjkjk......they don't do any sort of work.....and life to them is almost purposeless..............so if you truly love your dog, don't spoil them, and give them a purpose., then they'll be happy..........i guess.........

if you need answers to your own life.....go to the dogs, or cats, or fish or giraffe............