Thoughts of a 'Man'

ah.....genius....flawless...as soon as i heard about what jh said....immediately..........i knew................. i can't think of words to use right now, can't form sentences.....i'm really tired......

it may seem stupid to everyone......but i knew its this mix of unreal with real, bringing fantasy into reality......reality as we know it...is boring......everything she does is an outcry of exaggeration which may be carefully planned....this exaggeration, this behaviour is the promise of fantasy,absent in reality, draws ppl in...

i was once a critic...............for being too easy.....but by playing innocence......you can get out of any situation................just like what Sai said in 'Naruto', "A smile can help you out of any difficult situations."

Just as love seem like magic, it is not.....its more like a magic trick......which realistically, is not magic....when we watch david blane perform his magic tricks, we are swayed into believeing it is true, even when its not...even when we have doubts....but we have already been tricked by the magic trick, we can't see how the magic is done.....only way of knowing, is not to fall into the trick in the first place....after falling into it, you can't tell it apart, whether its sincere or not, real or fake.............

which leads me to the next point, ppl say i'm emo, but from what i hear of others...the inverse is more likely true...such glorified perceptions of love..............nothing i say, if explicit and direct, can change it............persuasion is a hard tool to yield......i can only listen.........

Thought of the week: God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we listen to others twice as much as we speak...........

trying to abide by this rule for a few months now................unfortunately its a rule no one follows....perhaps besides speaking more than we listen to others, we also listen more to ourselves and our own thoughts.......this along with being selfconcious like i talked about so much in previous posts......i'm aware of it when i do so.........this is the next step in helping myself............directing that attention outward instead of inward...........................


This new year's eve will be the worst one yet.............i will be working....i thought it would be a great job....turns out, nothing is at good as it looks...........to reiterate my point, fantasy can serve all kinds of purposes including making shit look good....however, no one can escape from reality, well, maybe you can hide... 'No Smint, No Kiss'.......thats the advertisers message.....but when you have Smint, you won't necessarily have a kiss.......talked about this before as well...won't waste time on it again.............

Basically, I'm stuck in an underpass for 7 hours, from 6 pm to 1 am from newyear's eve till past new year......of the 20 locations, i have to get the very single one that is in an underpass.......where no one passes by.............and being right under where all the fireworks are happening.....i won't get to see a shit....ppl will be counting down, i'll be isolated in that stupid underpass.........for 7 dollars an hour...

I'll be working around raffles and cityhall area.....near esplanade and fullerton.....for this company doing market research on fireworks........on new year's eve.....the bad news is......i won't be on the ground, i'll be UNDERGROUND......i can't see fireworks....worse, i can't see anyone.....from 6pm to 1am!!!! i thought heaven is playing tricks on me.....he is picking on me....i'll be all alone.....and the employer says you can listen to mp3 while working..........i have no mp3.....i've never thought of a good use of the mp3 player, except situations like the one i'm in now.......

i'll be in the underpass....standing up for 7 hours......counting the no. of ppl who walk pass me from one direction......and since it is so out of the way near raffles mrt....far from the crowd at esplanade.....i'll be totally bored.... Its this stupid underpass leading to One Marina Boulevard and One Raffles Quay, (where the fuck?!).....supposedly, if you walk from esplanade along the bridge to fullerton, and keep straight, you're suppose to reach this ulu underpass.... near raffles place mrt i suppose?

i can't see shit from down here.....everyone else gets to see fireworks!......omg.......this is how i'll spend the last few hours of 2007 and the first hour of 2008.....away from all my friends......i should watch 'I am Legend' to find out how Will Smith would cope with being alone and all..........

how i wish at least i have a dog(or cat?) with me like Will Smith had...

well, fireworks typically brings ppl out of their homes and into town......it is the reason why the goverment bothers spending millions of dollars on the fireworks.......ppl have to pay for public transport......and parking fees if you're parking your car.........this coupled with the multiplier effect....when you're out, you're bound to get thirsty or hungry, and you spend some money here and there.......this also increase the likelihood of ppl shopping, thus increases the no. of ppl shopping..........again, referring to chemistry, there is increase in no. of effective collisions.....all this more than recoup the losses by the goverment for spending it on fireworks.....since there is gst tagged on everysingle thing.......this market research that i'm helping to do, probably helps them estimate the amt of money that could be earned from having fireworks, and the amt they can spend on fireworks.....

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*CLosing of red curtains and the green monster comes out...*
"Mummy! Its Over!"

its christmas eve.....i'm begginging to feel that new year blues already...........this sick chill deep inside that constantly knocks on your door that the year is about the end....reminding you of all the things, the miserly things that i failed to do...how i failed to live this year fruitfully, fufillingly...

i've got nothing much else to say really......all the unhappiness, everything thats not going my way, that i'm not satisfied with, they are merely small things that wouldn't matter in the long run.......

its times like these that music manages to lift these weights off my shoulders........ah....was sitting in the back seat of amanda's car just two days ago, with jiayang.....there was this song that played on the radio, 98.7fm......... 1 2 3 4 - feist........ hmmm..how should i say this...the song struck a chord with me?..... to be played on the radio must mean that it is pretty mainstream....read up on the net then realised it was used in an ipod(nano?) commercial...which led to its commercial success......well, shes nominated for some grammy awards, including best newcomer.....well, only that she's released many albums already before this....

anyways, i guess i'm head over heels with her, this woman.....and her songs....if its not for her, i would be feeling absolute emo right now.......and she is part of a bigger band as well.......shoegaze, alternative........stuff.... will surely get some of her albums...

so as a 'gift' to all of you who happen to pass by this blog.....heres a live video of 2 songs....its to the left of this window where all the vids are.....well, if you think you're open to new stuff, and basically have not watched any of the vids i've posted, don't pause this....--------------->


really postively excited about the work on new year's eve and entering ns.......because everything else has became boring.......going out everyday, besides the eyecandy, is just pointless...will have a christmas celebration of sorts...so gonna leave soon to buy presents...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Here i am again.....i'm sick of blogging, but i still do it..haha...was reading thru some of my posts, a friend or two keep saying that my blog is damn emo...i don't get it.....its not that emo at all...blogging has becomed a habit for me already, when i read thru my entries...i thought they were worthless..... random words from someone who just has to pour out everything from his mind or it will just build up and stress me up inside...theres this urge constantly to write, type........i've watched on nat geo that mentally ill patients also have these symptoms....their head is filled with too much crap, that they can't sleep and just have let it all out....but i don't think i'm to that extent...so much so, that i wasn't going to type anything today...but still i have nothing to do.....hopefully i get to play a game of dota later on...

why do ppl say this stupid blog is emo, when its not that emo.....maybe they see it as an desperate attempt from an emo to not be emo and be happy...these only makes it more emo......well, ever since the first entry, foundations of this blog is built with emo...so emo, i'm ashamed.....

theres just nothing in this world to be happy about is there?......maybe as children........we can amuse ourselves with toys.......that feeling of novelty exist with everything you do.....but once you become an adult, unfortunately.......we are waiting for pleasure.... we cannot obtain it by ourselves.....

you no need to be raped, no need to have a car crash to have trauma.......i've been rather disturbed recently over the simplest of things.........maybe its the really 'late nights'/dawn that i'm feeling so tired that ihave to have these 'nightmares'.........scientifically,(not sure) dreams come to ppl as the mind is too tired and needs rest.....but since it cannot shut itself or the heart, lungs, stomach, kidney..........all these organs will stop to function......dreams ensures that the mind continues to run by simulating itself??????? involuntary mental masturba*$&%...lol

anyway, have been haunted by these horrific images in my sleep...these images, the evil wide grin...everytime i wake up, i hardly recall them....but sometimes, out of the blue, it comes back to me while i'm concious, these images appear in my head in the day, and i'm confuse as i cannot tell if it these things happened in my dream or in reality for that few seconds...until i remembered i saw it from a dream......but it was also all the resultof the horrific images i saw in the day that seeped deep in my mind, to the back of my head......that they resurface in my sleep.........but with 10x the maliciousness than the pure form that it supposedly is...

just when you think something is meaningful, the next second that same thing feels meaningless....felt like this when i was on the bus home, recalling the events that happened today...i felt contended, that it was all so interesting, the deluge of ideas that came pouring out.....but a split second later, i felt all these thoughts makes no significance.....can't really define why, i just felt that way.............

its like finally realising something, enlightenment........coming to one's senses, being disillusioned....but really, when disillusioned, you're just falling into another illusion.

ah....these doubts......i imagine the conflicts that the guy, who later attained nirvana to become buddha, had when he sat under the bodhi tree to ponder on the truth.....but how did he came to accept that the 'truth' was truth, that it was absolute? and the 'truth' was, that the meaning to life is that its meaningless.....its merely a passing....and everyone ends up dead...

junhui, i have a gift for you.....

doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts
doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts
doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts

the punks who thought of the punk fashion.....was disillusioned with the social structure..too much conformity restricted freedom, liberty....but by trying to deprive himself of it, he restricted himself the chance to conform...not only that, he went against what he stood for...to be non-conformist is simply to conform to non-conformity......like andrew mentioned.....to not believe in God, is a religion on its own.....as it is a belief that God or gods, semi gods, demi gods, omni gods do not exist......

PARADOX

ok........above are just mindless ramblings.....paradoxes happen EVERYTIME.....so it does not take one to spot it...........i think i've mention it again and again.....so i will not do it this time... with ppl, they appear strong in areas that they are most weak.... to cover these weaknesses........when you see someone trying so hard to be happy, it only makes the whole scenario look worst to the thirdparty, because it seems so sad..........

ah............thats it........its meaningless...i give up....out of the blue, i just feel too lazy to type anything......i'll stop here....bet that happens everytime too...

this is a shit illustration i drew with microsoft paint.....and i think that is why only at midnight or past midnight that meteors can be seen...as the earth intercepts the meteors path head on...with the meteors crashing into earth's atmosphere.......

as i stepped out of my house...i took a long long walk to jurong point 7 11....to get a drink.....and took a long walk back to the other 711 at a petrol kiosk......all the time walking with my head tilted upwards to gaze at the sky...........its probably too bright in singapore to see anything.....so bright that there are low crime rates in signapore.....but i thought...if i could see stars, surely i could also see the meteors........as i walked to the other 711.......i bought snacks and more drinks......and continue walking...i decided its better to stop walking and just sit somewhere and concentrate....but at the busstop, there was sheltar over my head.........there is this mini 'colosseum' thingy....but it was too brightly lit as well...then found this barbeque pit area, but there were just trees blocking the way.argh......as i strolled i finally thought of the idea of going to the highest level of the multi story carpark, where there will be nothing over my head, and where it is still brightly lit, but dimmer than most other areas........i stepped into the lift of the multi story carpark and pressed 6.........it is so quiet everywhere, though i'm use to staying out late, the lift is moving exteremly slowly.....its not exactly been serviced regularly i guess...it creaks and moves up really slowly.......worst....the doors have glass panels which allows you to look out of the lift.....which makes it even creepier since the lift moves so freaking slow, which gives you enough time to concentrate on whats out, enough for something bad to appear just rite outside the door...........

well was just exaggerating....wasn't that scaredy cat, was at ease the whole time, but the thought did cross my mind.......as i was up there, there was only one silver parked car up there.....wondered if anyone was inside having car sex or what......there was vandalism everywhere......i found a spot, a blind spot where ppl in their hdb flats could not see......incase the found me suspicious and decided to call the police.....but...what crime can you possible commit on a the god-forsaken-highest-level of the carpark.......there was this satanic drawing on the ground.....that star, pentagram or something...forgot how it looked...with somewords on the edges............but it doesn't look the least frightening....because it is so sloppy.........ppl who want to communicate with the dead or devil should at least draw a neat diagram......, a perfect circle.......

stood about 20 mins up there.......no sign of any meteors..............saw some stars....but there were few.....by right, the sky should be littered with stars...but since it is so bright from where i am, i probably can see anything, except the dark outerspace.........just like on concert stages you know......the lightings the lights the stage is so strong, that it is so bright at the stage...and if you happen to be on the stage......and where the audience are, it is dark......the musicians,entertainers can't see any audience at all..........so actually when pop stars wave to their fans in their concerts...they can't actually see their fans at all..........theri waving at darkness......

i was spinning in circles on that very spot.....scanning the sky from one part to another...the sky, too big for the eyes to capture .......at one point i saw something flash past for a split second...but i'm pretty sure it was just my imagination...or a reflection of light on my spectacles or something........

gave up....and left.....................sigh...how uniteresting..................i need to learn more about astronomy before i ever hope to see these things...........

fret not....its not the end of the world..........no one's going anywhere........

i really have nothing to do.......i guess i should really spend time working towards the things that would help my life instead of really doing nothing productive......theres no point in finding a job, its not like i do not have money to spend.....and it will only be 4 weeks or so before enlistment..... so what will it be????

well, its always better to look ahead, the long term goals.......pick myself up instead of looking back and dwindle..........

i'm in that once-in-a-lifetime moment in life.....where i have nothing to do...what better time than to start an adventure.......work towards something the heart desires......

.............................................i'll be back...........

felt like i've carved my entire heart out and threw it into singapore river........there's only one thing that kept me looking back....

"to protect the ones you love(?), you must willing to stab yourself in gut(?)."........i rmb something along those lines, when hiro nakamura received an epiphany, when training with his father.....i didn't see the connection...i till i realise.....ohhhhhhhh....simply to make sacrifices la if you protect whatever.....

did that sacrifice just happened......or was it an act of cowardice?.....

i was late for prom.....lol......later than even the principal.....i think she enterered around 1945.....i was right behind her....so i decided to go to the toilet before entering the ballroom.....i thought maybe they were having some vip welcome for mrs tan....don't think they had later.........
well........out of all the things in the world........i've been trying very hard to spot and eliminate these insecurities, so much so that i see other ppls insecurities......obvious or vague........there she was............i walked right past, not realising it was all an instinctive act of fear.......until later...not sure if i was down at all later, i think i manage to distract myself.....and since i agreed not to think about it.....(again, another act of fear...avoidance......)

enjoyed most of prom anyway.......not that there isn't anything thats bad, but those weren't important when the main thing was to everyone else out of uniforms and behaving like 'adults'...lol......prom and post-prom party were sorta rites of passage for many i guess....to me, i saw much less meaning in it, its about having fun......

well, couldn't stop rushing to the toilet again and again...lol...i think i went about 5 to 6 times....(maybe not that much....).....at a point of time..... what she did......and when she did, my body frozed, my mind frozed....i wasn't nervous or what.....tooked me by surprise......its like my 'soul' popped out that moment and took 3 steps away from its container........????fear????..i went as quickly as i could......and thought nothing about it......again, until much later.......was she communicating????....



doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts my doubts doubts doubts your doubts doubts doubts....
doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts my doubts doubts doubts your doubts doubts doubts....
doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts my doubts doubts doubts your doubts doubts doubts....


i've never been this uncomfortable with anybody before....but ever since 'word' 'word' 'word' 'judge' '8 points x triple word score'...........................krytonite appeared in the human form........every encounter chiseled onto stone panels in my head........

watching her walk away.....'a stab in the gut, stab in the heart'........only it wasn't any noble sacrifice......i was mercy killing myself......spare myself from all of it...(all of what? i don't know...seems like nothing.....just fear)

not to worry about this emoness.....it will fade along with the hundreds of entries i currently have in this blog.............


anyway, more about prom.......gabriel won....i wasn't rooting for him or what since all of us knew the guys up there, but i knew he would have won and he did..........was rooting for jamie(having only heard her name today, lol...)to win prom queen, took sometime before i recognised who she was.....everyone was saying she was someone they never saw...thats what i thought, until i realised..oh...she wore spectacles in school....
no luck with luckydraw......time passes really fast...it was over 12am after all the photos....took quite a number of photos, don't know where they'll end up.....lol.......

took a walk to clarke quay.....well, it was good thing the party was in a small club...that way everyone could be with everyone else.....chipping in and sharing jugs.....'ah come come come..drink...'..taking really big gulps of all of it lol....it just felt really stupid and fun at the same time.....wow the effect was great....within 2 to 3 mins.........went out for a walk with bah....and it begin to set in....got a little dizzy for only about 10 mins..........the live band started playing 'hella good' and i was outside....as i sat at the chairs outside with bah, there were couple of ppl ppl black out and and drop dead on the floor, ppl had to drag them around, told myself better not drink too much,i don't know how much i can take in the first place, don't wanna be dragged home.....went back in.....after the band stopped playing...it got so bored...and friends of friends came to offer to share drinks again.......pull in some money, and there you have it....more beverage for fools' consumption lol...was sniggering to myself a couple of times, cos all of it seemed so hopelessly random.................

anyway, this is singapore, most of us will probably run into one another one way or another........there's some consolation...

its the first time shopping with an agenda.....with things in mind to buy.....and it is serious hell.....

i'm beggining to seriously wonder why my brain processes things at such amazingly slow rates.....i feel absolute guilt in having to take pride in this...the psle, i can accept that i didn't finsih it, maybe because i was a bit slower then others.......through out secondary school.....i did not complete any timed assignment, timed tests, timed quizzes, timed examinations on time before.........its not that i don't remember ever completing a paper, but i...never did.....i just always thought ppl completed it fast but they weren't half as cautious as i am......and that questions were hard and required some form of thinking, so i justified all the time that i took to process stuff as thinking...and when i couldn't finish its because i didn't practise enough.............

but now.....easy cheesy SAT has proven me wrong.....i excused myself for the english parts....i am slow because i don't read that much.....i am slow, because i am not ang moh, and i don't perfect sentence structures and use the right words all the time that i need time to comprehend sometimes..................BUT THE MATHS.............its basically psle maths, with bits of secondary school elementary math...............the things where you look at it, don't think, and just do...........but i think from time to time.......and ididn't complete it either......what good is a brain if it runs like a steam locomotive.............................in this era of high speed high this and that......my old and and feeble 'brian' shall be cast aside.......seriously, its never been a problem to any of you.....i'm the only example i've met in my entire life that thinks this slow......'best at what i do worst'.....................if only if only...........i will be hugely disadvantaged whether in future education or career...........but i hope to bet on the 'fact' that heaven and nature is fair.....that if i'm weak at something, i'm stronger in other things.............................................


OH well.........for the upcoming prom, though i'm not looking forward to it......cos i'm guessing its going to be real boring.......it didn't stop me in revelling in idle daydreaming of dressing in high fashion and stuff......well not exactly high fashion......had some ideas....and this ethereal need of having to proclaim certain cultures or subcultures....and remembered i contradicted what i firmly stand against....thought i wanting to dress this and that, look like this and that.........but it suddenly boiled down to me that......ITS JUST PROM........not even gonna talk about poseuring.....i'm not in france or uk, though i hope i was, in singapore........fashion in singapore is to go with the flow, being prudish, materialism and consumerism....tastes are altered and angled at whats mainstream......maybe i'm envious because i have no money................well, to make sure i don't overdress, or look like sloppy shit......i'm going with formal all over.....with the blazer.....oh...yeah.....Codename 47 was my idol since the demo of hitman 2 and one of the best soundtracks like games such as starcraft or redalert.....well.....i have 2 days and a half including tues to get my stuff...........finally!!!!! a really bad and lame excuse to be donning a suit in tropical singapore.....hope my filthily high paying job in future requires me to wear suits and meet clients..........



everything else in my life that is not superficial.....is currently at standstill.....