Thoughts of a 'Man'

felt like i've carved my entire heart out and threw it into singapore river........there's only one thing that kept me looking back....

"to protect the ones you love(?), you must willing to stab yourself in gut(?)."........i rmb something along those lines, when hiro nakamura received an epiphany, when training with his father.....i didn't see the connection...i till i realise.....ohhhhhhhh....simply to make sacrifices la if you protect whatever.....

did that sacrifice just happened......or was it an act of cowardice?.....

i was late for prom.....lol......later than even the principal.....i think she enterered around 1945.....i was right behind her....so i decided to go to the toilet before entering the ballroom.....i thought maybe they were having some vip welcome for mrs tan....don't think they had later.........
well........out of all the things in the world........i've been trying very hard to spot and eliminate these insecurities, so much so that i see other ppls insecurities......obvious or vague........there she was............i walked right past, not realising it was all an instinctive act of fear.......until later...not sure if i was down at all later, i think i manage to distract myself.....and since i agreed not to think about it.....(again, another act of fear...avoidance......)

enjoyed most of prom anyway.......not that there isn't anything thats bad, but those weren't important when the main thing was to everyone else out of uniforms and behaving like 'adults'...lol......prom and post-prom party were sorta rites of passage for many i guess....to me, i saw much less meaning in it, its about having fun......

well, couldn't stop rushing to the toilet again and again...lol...i think i went about 5 to 6 times....(maybe not that much....).....at a point of time..... what she did......and when she did, my body frozed, my mind frozed....i wasn't nervous or what.....tooked me by surprise......its like my 'soul' popped out that moment and took 3 steps away from its container........????fear????..i went as quickly as i could......and thought nothing about it......again, until much later.......was she communicating????....



doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts my doubts doubts doubts your doubts doubts doubts....
doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts my doubts doubts doubts your doubts doubts doubts....
doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts my doubts doubts doubts your doubts doubts doubts....


i've never been this uncomfortable with anybody before....but ever since 'word' 'word' 'word' 'judge' '8 points x triple word score'...........................krytonite appeared in the human form........every encounter chiseled onto stone panels in my head........

watching her walk away.....'a stab in the gut, stab in the heart'........only it wasn't any noble sacrifice......i was mercy killing myself......spare myself from all of it...(all of what? i don't know...seems like nothing.....just fear)

not to worry about this emoness.....it will fade along with the hundreds of entries i currently have in this blog.............


anyway, more about prom.......gabriel won....i wasn't rooting for him or what since all of us knew the guys up there, but i knew he would have won and he did..........was rooting for jamie(having only heard her name today, lol...)to win prom queen, took sometime before i recognised who she was.....everyone was saying she was someone they never saw...thats what i thought, until i realised..oh...she wore spectacles in school....
no luck with luckydraw......time passes really fast...it was over 12am after all the photos....took quite a number of photos, don't know where they'll end up.....lol.......

took a walk to clarke quay.....well, it was good thing the party was in a small club...that way everyone could be with everyone else.....chipping in and sharing jugs.....'ah come come come..drink...'..taking really big gulps of all of it lol....it just felt really stupid and fun at the same time.....wow the effect was great....within 2 to 3 mins.........went out for a walk with bah....and it begin to set in....got a little dizzy for only about 10 mins..........the live band started playing 'hella good' and i was outside....as i sat at the chairs outside with bah, there were couple of ppl ppl black out and and drop dead on the floor, ppl had to drag them around, told myself better not drink too much,i don't know how much i can take in the first place, don't wanna be dragged home.....went back in.....after the band stopped playing...it got so bored...and friends of friends came to offer to share drinks again.......pull in some money, and there you have it....more beverage for fools' consumption lol...was sniggering to myself a couple of times, cos all of it seemed so hopelessly random.................

anyway, this is singapore, most of us will probably run into one another one way or another........there's some consolation...