Thoughts of a 'Man'

ahhhh....just have to blog today.....was so disappointed with myself again....my restless attitude got the better of me this exams....once again....an update on life, not that i have one....is and always will be in this sense of conjured depression...........................

headed to school an mrt train earlier i guess....must be my increase in walking speed......

anyway, about today's mathematics examinations..................pg one...could do 4 out of 6 questions....pg 2, could do all 7 to 11........pg 3.....COULD DO NONE., 12 to 14......pg 4......COULD DO NONE,15 and 16..................................reminiscence of the A MATH paper i was doing at end-of-yr sec 3.....the more i look the more can't be bothered, and little depression that i get.....i calculated the marks i got.....it hits 50...considering that i don't get any working marks for those i cannot do, and that i get all my marks for those that i can do......was aiming for triple As......hahah....its not impossible....but what to expect when i don't even study......all i did last night....was look through notes.......................................somehow, there's just no spark to go on......if i fail maths, i can't afford to fail h1 econs..........which i will most likely fail...in that case, i qualify to retain.....yeah...yes......'one hole deeper than the other hole'....(what am i thinking...)....ppl may do worse...............................but anyway, i may probably promote and be kicked back down if i continue to be like this......sighhhhhhhh..........

(as i was listening to the haruka kanata instrumental that we played last year when we first started.......i felt that there was art and expression even in this amatuerish work......it was extremely fast, and every instrument notes and drums....we're like chopping the instruments instead......this actually expresses this actually showcases our enthusiasm,maybe anger.......i could really relate to it as i was writing the above entry...)

i still have like 3 hours to salvage my chemistry........must get an A.......at least a B please(judging from the time i have left...)................

some lyrics below......a little bit inspired by About a Girl......the Emin, G, 2 chord song....but with outstanding results...this is my interpretation if it was more specific...

About a Girl by pang ziqi

Could only be behind you,
Could only be ahead of you
Never beside you.
When i sense your presence,
be it near or far..
Beyond my calm exterior, pale expressionless face.
I'm spasmic inside.

I'll take advantage while,
..........................................

I'm standing in your line. (i finally finally finally finally understood what this meant)
but more like sperms attacking the ovum.
"I'll just be left out, its okay, i'm just fine standing right here,
Go on ahead with your life, i'm here to look and see"
you probably never realise i'm around,
until i look you in the eye..
I don't know....

I'll take advantage while,
..........................................

If only the world was that small.
Then, back then, was simply the best.
Oh i wanna go back there.
At least i had a reason to wake up some mornings.


Kurt Cobain would never never be this sissy......but he is ideal.....i'll never attain nirvana...
this is a hidden msg......what is essential is invisible to the eye...(little prince)....

People people, i no i am in no position to say this, but i have to.... they say the contestants this year sucked, but i do think otherwise....they have johnathan leong and hady, which compared to last year, they stand out a lot....electrico is a good band, and i thought rahima rahim(the older women, the 'diva'.....special hand gesture back there..)....i'm okay with the finalists saying nothing but "i can't thank you enough, thank you for bringing me here....i'm really excited.." every single time they are asked a question....i'm okay that the judges are not critisising when sometimes they should.....its hard performing up there, so i guess maybe any constructive criticism at the last stage of the competition would only be of more harm than good...i'm even okay that ken lim doesnt like to smile(i really look up to his contributions anyway).....everything is great, the special guests is great........

but i really just don't get it....WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON THRU THE PRODUCER'S MINDS.....to make the artists sing together, duets, 'triets?','quadruets?'........i mean...when all of them sing together....it sounds crappy......every single performance in the results show, they have to include the contestants, is that really necessary? you probably have noticed how sucky it was when they all sang together....uugh....maybe the producers are the people from my parent's generation.....i don't know.....

i think duets can sound much much better than a solo when done properly...but not something to be done recklessly....aiyah!......

anyway, this yrs sg idol seemed less anticipated...electrico must have been quite upset that the final 2 shredded their hit........just like how johnathan must have felt insulted when being compared to sylvester sim as mentioned by flo...being compared to that poser ahbeng......sylvester sings out of tune and rhythm(eh...really)....

hady won... and moral of the story.....if you influenced by rock music.....forget about singapore idol, if you are pursuing rock music.....even if you're pursuing all styles of music, forget singapore idol....since sg idol only likes pop, the fans only listen to pop......maybe 3/4 of singapore listen to the good olde rock n roll.....but no, don't expect them to vote, don't expect music lovers to embrace commercialism......i guess johnathan leong being quite a true representation of 'rock'.....not that rock music needs any representation....but him going up there and declaring himself with that image.........doesn't deserve to win..he deserves better.....i guess now he won't be bounded to the contract to do he does not truly feel passionate about.....

and if you ask me, i would consider selling my soul to do 'stairway to heaven', or like in the crossroads movie, to do blues and rock than to selling my soul twice(once to satan, the 'soul' of the soul sold for a petty fee of $0, selling even your passion and will..omg) to do singapore idol...eww....i guess i can forgive ppl who have done so....i have made a sell out of myself a few times....

........................nuff

things are a mess?....but everything is gonna be alright....

just came back from one of my auntie's 25th wedding aniversary celebration.....well, all seems happy and really touching..lol...though according to my mother, our families were not very close....but to me, they had a part in my childhood memories, which i can still remember crystal clear....i rmb going to their house quite often when i was young, playing computer games like day of the tentacle...celebrating birthdays and all...christmas maybe?.........................now, times have changed though...wanted to go today, because i don't really see them often...but to me they are quite close relatives....even though apparently, most don't see it that way...

anyway, great music, great food, nice ppl...i think i was seated at a table with ppl who are supposedly a generation after the 'elders'...which is around 2 generations from mine....and like just next to the family table...(sorry, can't explain it any other way..)...and even though, supposedly close...,its quite 'far' away......and well, probably one of the minor reasons that its quite "conspicuous" that asians, singaporeans, are still quite conservertive in expressing their emotions and all.... i guess... hard life...

pretty eventful and inspiring night...something that doesn't leave you glued bored to your seats........happy for them....

ah the holidays about to end.....had not much progress with books.....made an effort to go back to school everyday to study.....but hasn't been productive to even talk about promoting to next year....

yeah on monday, i went through all the stupid lessons....and continued from 4 to 7 30 to study....all i did was read thru oscillation notes....arghh...so bored,....met up with woen cheng and wei jun and jianwen at raffles city to hang out.....met up at around 2030 and tried to find some food....we almost tried everything at chippy's....haha...the food's is what you can call junk food....had the fried chicken, the battered fish, and the sausages....and even saw someone that looks like yoshiki...before then realising who she was, after a long time...couldn't rmb the face at all.....then i bought some viet-style sandwich...which was just quite alright....tasted light, and healthy...not that it isn't nice...i think it was the best thing i had that day even though it wasn't that great....it was worth a try, and was priced heftily.......was in a mood to spend money.....even if i wasn't obtaining something worthy...went to stay over at woeny's place along with wj and jw......was tired and beat up, and fell asleep around 12....sigh.....boring day......

tueday, woke up and went to macs from woeny's place for breakfast at 7 30am!..................before reaching pj at arnd 9....spent this day not doing much either....oscillation tut and wave notes....took up my whole damn day...i just can't study.....at home, in school...anywhere...my brain runs like a slow typewriter....

wednesday, studied again in school.....again not productive............went to bk birthday party arnd 6 plus..7....i guess it was alright.....met some new peeps...and just chilled.....took in some smoke, as in there was a barbeque.....just needed to slack off and relax......got home late again...like 130am......so damn tired also...

thursday..........headed to school late.....then left school arnd 6....and went to meet up with 4c1, ex secondary school mates....we were deciding on a place to eat, not delifrance, not kfc, not burger king, not swensens....ended up at bali thai instead...haha.....expensive.....we had for appetiser, tauhu telok, beancurd, with crispy crust, sprinkled with grounded or crushed nuts, topped with shredded cucumber and carrots, with bean? or prawn? paste or something.....the rojak one....had tom yam goong that ruined my throat even further......my throat is seriously messed up....for like a week now....then had sweet and sour fish, green curry beef, kampong chicken...the one that is wrapped in pandan leaves....the chilli kangkong....hmmm....can't rmb if there was anything else....

friday.....went to school....for some lessons.....didn't study much...no time to really sit down and study anyway.......then started playing soccer.....near the beggining i think i shot the ball into the concourse and hit some ppl...lol.....wanted to apologize, but i don't even have to face to go up....so just don't care....wahah......shouldn't have...

thats how i've thrown away my time this week.......hope i promote to stay in j2 next year....

Ah.....don't really have the motivation i had in the morning to study....so i shall just write about the small emotional ride i had yesterday.....

Dreaded waking up yesterday don't know why.....was quite satisfied with the jamming the day before though it was so short, but at least it gave me the confidence that the performance would turn out right..with all that we were going to show....
I managed to reach school anyway,tormenting that stupid rain while in my slippery converse all-star. Every step is risking a disaster.

Met up with the other peeps that i was playing for at backstage...I wasn't nervous or anything, wasn't really eagar also....But everyone at backstage seemed rather busy and caught up. It didn't feel great. Wanted to go somewhere else to chill or something, but it always felt like this. Something was missing...........k then the morning assembly at hall and then the concert went on.

Was quite impressed with the first breakdance....but the dead audience....its pure silence, soundless as compared to the rehearsals..After that, the stuff that followed on wasn't boring either. I just walked around during all these. WEnt to the canteen or the third floor to check out the audience or see the performance, since later, the back stage had a lot of ppl..so was it on the third floor. but there was a better view.

When it came to our turn, wasn't enthused or anything, just wanted it to run smoothly. So that initial jump that me and angmoh were to do was only like 50% a jump...k...so it goes.....and my muting damn...keep producing that cool sound in yuuwaka that i didn't intend..tried to stop it but can't..hah.......reaching the first chorus..evan started solo already..What was in my head at that time was "he is going to solo through the chorus and through the 4 bars of intro riff later, though what a rather long solo it would be." I looked at sanjay and angmoh, like 'WTF?!".......then when we entered the intro riff, evan stopped thinking that we just ended the intro when we were just going into it....but anyway, supposedly it should run smoothly.and enter the 2nd prechorus......but i don't know why we stopped.............................................................................................................................

wasn't disappointed or anything, just quite sian that we didn't finish it....could have been great, or worse. Exchanged guitar for bass and now was standing at the audience left, our right, behind plain jane(still don't know her name...lol..not that plain, just a term for fun since the arts day audition..).....forgot where abra was standing...made a few mistakes with the song...not sure if the audience knew, but serchung told me later he heard my mistakes......so ppl must have heard it......OHHHHHHHHHHHHh...............now ppl will know how really sucky i am.....

after the set, everyone dissolved into thin air or something, was with christian and evan most of the time after that...........then the show ended...was messing around with guitar and the bass later......some rugger came, and threw me away with his mad guitar skills......it was mad mad mad...

didn't feel the rush to go back to secondary school. but as i was on my way, felt like i need to see those common faces i haven't seen for such a long time. i wished the train would speed. then when i got off the train...really pace up my steps..but have to watch out from falling all the time.....when i reached school finally saw the ppl i wanted to meet...some from my class and even those who i don't really know, just wanted to feel that environment i use to have again, something which i really hate before, and still do...but was part of it, and certainly would have felt some warmth now that i see it again......met up with some of the teachers...quite grateful to them, but never had the opportunity to thank them, even yesterday...but there was no regrets...this is me, the person with so many words, but refuses to speak up...........

there was ms chen who believed i could do it, mrs yong who taught us sosososososososo well in chemistry. mr ho also, taught us a lot and like mrs yong and ms chen, had faith in the class....mr murali, who gave me an A1 for cca? i not sure if he was the one the permissioned it..but i didn't feel like i deserved it....at times, he felt i was capable and to handle responsibility, but knew i would escape it if i could...then there was ms low who fought teaching like a war.......shall mentioned other teachers in my life another time, to prevent this post from getting too long..it already is..............and haven't started with hanging out with my some of my ex classmates..

So some of us guys of 4c1...decided to head to town instead of following the girls to WEST MALL!!!...wth......so boring there....but woeny, jj, linkang, and weijun went i think......so the other guys, Me, shiping, serchung, jeremy, jianwen, cheeping...haha....went out with a bang, first with the commitment to splash any amount of money when necessary.........when this was decided, any grievances of parting and separation with money could be avoided...

instead of going to sakae sushi, which had to wait until 3 for the buffet, and many of us thought that the quality of food that is low.......(which i have not tried personally)....we walked around wheel lock....then decided we were too hungry...we went to Suki sushi instead at cineleisure....which is about $3 more, but starts from 12 to 5......and there are wider wider wider choices to choose from i think.....shall point out some of the good stuff, too bad i'm not into taking pictures.....had this dish called nigiri, a sushi that is wraped in sashimi topped with lobster salad..., also had oysters that were baked in tomatoes and mozzeralla.....and that salmon skin we ordered did not come at all..arghh...besides all the common stuff that we had......

at about 4-5, we walked to plaza sing for some expensive icecream.....andersons.........as we were walking there, there was this weird working adult carrying a yoyo, who was walking just beside us...he was doing the normal up and down, with the palm & yoyo facing up, forgot whats it called....then shipz, thought he wasn't looking, bent a little and incorporated kungfu into his imaginary loop the loop actions....and went 'ciu ciu ciu'....we all started roaring in laughter and the guy beside us, kept staring at us after that....HAHAHA....after the ice cream, we went to cathay to slack....its nice to slack there because there are no shops and little ppl....at least at the first few floors...haha...but there seem to be many shops that are opened already....we went to the basement which was opened...and slacked at the fish pond for about an hour......we couldn't decide on a movie to watch before this...tried to ask them to watch devil wears prada, but they wanted to watch barnshed...wtf...but then we decided none was actually very nice..so we went to slack instead.....................later when we decided that we must watch a movie....hehe, we bought devil wears prada....there was this shop, at 3rd floor, which exhibits antique typewriters and antique phones, some old books, like shakespears works and lewis carroll and looking through the hour glass....one of the note on the paper says something like 'i like visual attention but not the physical affection'(something like that?)...haha cool...though its for the typewriter, i guess it refers to the pretty shop owner herself about not touching her..lol...haha, jeremy touched one of them possibly to get the attention of her, and it did..haha..'don't touch it, i cannot find another to replace if it spoils'(something like this) with that english accent...it sold 'designer papers'....like one of the iprint shops......the shop owner counts with an abacus on one of the 2 counters...which ships spotted...lol...east-meets-west-chinese-chopstick-stuck-on-hair-babe.............uses an apple laptop too....what an obsession with style....ROCK MAh WORld

at 730, we entered the cinema.........it wasn't filled, though it was its opening day(which i didn't knew) and it was at the Grand cinema.....but was like only half filled.....wow, some of the upcoming movie are going to be great.......some aztec movie by mel gibson, some police show, with dicaprio and markwahlberg and mattdamon, and jack nicholson...in the trailer it shows jack nicholson manipulating all of them...but its obvious it wouldn't be him that is the bad guy in the movie....what movie would show that in the trailer.......

The show started with one of the most horny scenes in the movie......wow...shall not say that i'm into fashion or what.....wanted to watch this movie because i favoured it the most yesterday, and probably is interesting....the movie though a simple storyline and backdrop, showcases a number of themes....mostly about struggling and working hard to suceed, and about being at the top of tthe coporate world....it also hints about selling out, selling your soul to the devil....to suceed....its easy to contemplate, and put yourself in her shoes....one of the lessons learnt, "don't whine".

its been a long time since i went to the cinema....haven't been to the cinema a lot this year....only remembered watching this, pirates, king and the clown....can't rmb what else...so the cinema was like an experience for me yesterday..haha.....oh yah, she's the man...

so went home about 10 plus yesterday.....quite early...wondered why we didn't hang out a little longer....it was quite terrific yesterday..........

k, i'm tired of going any longer....this post is extremely long....i am extremely long winded.....ppl talk about a day in 2 to 3 paragraphs...i go like essay long.......have more to say, but shall end here....