Thoughts of a 'Man'

Feels like my comp lost its soul...was corrupted by virus...but weird, it only corrupted my user account...and the whole comp can still work..except for my own account...had to delete it..as it remaining there, though quaratined, i guess it still lags the whole comp..so had to delete...now that its deleted...there is still annoying adware that remains.....and the virus is not deleted but isolated somewhere...sigh....present scans cannot detect...neither can the adware be detected...irritating man...have to wait a few weeks i guess....

spent this saturday like everyother saturday....alone most of the time today, but i kind of had little brain activity....its all about her anyway, so i guess i don't have much to say....

missing her...and its still haruka kanata...i guess...hope a miracle would just happened...

I'm hurting so much inside but i can't tell her...its not fear of rejection but i know i'll be rejected, and that i do not fear, but worse, can never talk to her again..recently it has gotten better though, well at least i have something to rejoice...well overall i still can't...who knows what has happened to her all that time..maybe she found new guy..

anyway....was doing the chinese comprehension, the mcq one....and that reminded me of her...sigh...well, if i was lefty, i would feel just like the author, special...from what i heard from my parents and siblings, i use to be a lefty..sigh but my parents force me to use right hand...i guess i'm more of right, and well probably just that i picked the pen up with my left hand then..been obsessed with leftys all my life, or in otherwords admire leftys...its something i can never be, maybe thats why....why?..because most 'cool' or 'smart' ppl are leftys...Kurt Cobain, Paul Mccartney, Billy Elliot(lol)....its quite weird that ctss has so many leftys i have ever seen in my life..lol...

well, she's lefty too, like the passage, though she's not clumsy, she does appear blur..lol.did put a smile to my face when i read, but nope, cant smile at reality....the whole day i was thinking of her, even thru out the MT prelims...well but i guess, with her in my mind, i kind of been more able to do the test, and at the end of it, fret none of it(coz i'm fretting about her instead)....intended to ask her out today, had the idea like last nite..but sigh...i just could not...she went out with her usual friend, not that i mind, but even if not, i would not have had the guts to ask her anyway...and like i promised, if i did not go with her, i would run(as in go back straightaway) right back home, i wonder why i made such a weird agreement with myself, but i guess i could not bear the rest of the day anymore..being at home would just end all my hopes, thus i'll feel better i guess...

this will be a long weekend...been saving for the last 1 and a half weeks...not that i have not enough money, but to buy her something for her birthday i guess(not that i have not enough money..lol, not that poor..must make this clear..hmm..), which i'm still not sure if i should..oh, but like what?...girl stuff i guess..perfume?Escada Island Kiss?(whatever it is..lol)...well though she smells nicer the way she is...lol..(god, i'm sick..)..wonder if anybody else could, shall go ask..lol..well, could still smell her sometimes when we're near...

AH!!! how long will this perpetual heartache last?!

Just finished lying on my bed...i came to the comp, cause i felt i have something to say...as in type it here in the blog...As i lied on my bed, for half and hr(give and take about 5mins) from 725, all i was thinking was about her...most of it sad, as i was daydreaming about some scenario..its nothing unusual or anything...just thinking and thinking...its so hard...to live without her...one thing which i'm so lucky to have though, compared to all the couples in the school...for e.g, upon hearing about how relieved some felt when after their breakup of not having the person in the class so they can cope...and how some felt was unlucky to have that person in the same class as they are....in short, they hope not to see that special person when they cooled...well, i just felt how lucky i was to have her in the class...esp after the 'seperation'...i guess it really helped me deal with it, and now that i've cooled, and want to see her more now, its great that she's still there...what i want rite now,lol,smell taste hear see and feel her...as i thought in bed, i realised the stationary position i'm in...tears just came...and this feeling that i can't put in nice words or anything,in short, it just feels like hell....now i'm so sure i'm so weak, its like i'm out of control...
as i lied in bed, this person, an indonesian maid, which i use to see almost everyday in my life when i was in pri school...i went to my auntie's house everyday after school..never realised till today, it was almost 5 yrs seeing her everyday since pri 2...its not like she like a parent or something..she took care of me then...everyday...even though we couldn't communicate or anything...
today, she understood english better, and words which i tried to simplify but failed, she actually understood..and for once in a long time....the first person or i could hardly remember anyone else which i've seen so satisfied with life..its like she pratically enjoyed every moment of it...well, and she's still a maid working for my auntie..its like we complain about life all the time, and the ones we expect to whine the most actually enjoys life...i kind of felt all this when she was talking to my mother in the living room, and i was still lying in my bed(lazy to stand) just listening..she spoke with such zest...esp when my mom asked her something about her future..(my mom wasn't that great in english, she sucked..i could hardly understand...)...she replied with such certainty and zest that she was going to work for 10 more yrs and when she has saved enough, to return to her home(somewhere in indonesia i guess)...if given to me or to most ppl, the probably don't know or took a long time putting it to considereration...i know given that she is an adult and everything that most adults usually have a sense of direction, like most parents which are successful and probably even my parents(father) who work just to have something to do...it just bothers me that there are so many ppl with empty lives including myself and probably many many ppl that i know...its so uncommon to find ppl with such direction....
well i might be like overreacting, as that is just how adults are, plan for midlife as thats whats remaining of it.....compared to teenagers like us....somehow its cruel that we are all going to grow up to live plain and boring lives...

sigh....how hard it always feels to be thinking about future...esp when we are old...

whatever, i'm just glad i saw someone who took care of me...feels like going back to pri school to visit you pri teacher kind of thing...

also, realising that though it has been four yrs, it felt 'just like that'...then to think about how much i've change as a person and that how the people around you have changed...four yrs its such a long time...i feel that i'm so fast ahead of myself, i can hardly keep up with myself...

well looking back to ze present, i wish i could have her back in my life somehow...i don't know whats with this sudden obsession(starting from mid of last week)...can't be bothered with all the theories i have...all the dreams and feelings of loneliness are getting back to me...its really funny how a simple "K.. Good night!" after so long can make you feel...I know it simply means nothing(you start wondring if the exclamtion mark implies anything, if she is really happy to say it, or just something she usually does..)..but its so hard to accept that it means nothing..lol...after receiving it, you just get that feeling of warmth and comfort all over, that tingling all over your face and near your heart...

one other thing i realised, the first msg she sent, bore such great resemblance to the style of writing i have, or something that i would put in an sms if i was in her shoes...but one thing though, its just that anyone can type a similar sms my style...its like kind of default style, of using the T9 dictionary...lol...but if i remembered correctly, she doesn't do that..but if i'm rite, she is probably using a new phone, with none of her trademark vocabulary in it, thus resulting in the 'nothing-unique' kind of msg...haha...i just realise how stupid i am to analyse a msg to such a great depth...and typing all about it here makes me all the more stupid....

-2101

I don't know if there is any significance, but it feels like i just lost a second chance..

well, the horoscope says that there will be an eclipse tmr...it is suppose to mean that all things would come to a conclusion...bring all things to a conclusion....and anything is possible, good or bad....
sigh... i have contemplated and acheive sense in many things just this few days...not sure if i saw it coming, or was it coincidence...and no there was no signal, just some gut feeling in me that started telling me otherwise this week from what seem like have ended a long time ago...weird how i can develope false hopes out of nowhere and nothing...its like the rainy day women episode of the oc is about to start....

whatever...hope whatever is coming...would be the best....NIte....*yawnzz!*...

hey....ppl....sigh, couldn't blog yesterday, since blogger took such a long time to load...probably all the clementeens are blogging, flooding the servers....(nah..)..

anyway...woke up today,like 8 30....than just lied in bed thinking, maybe some of yesterday's after-speech-day happenings, and than girl problems and all..sigh..(my mum came in just about 2 secs ago, and bugged me...)....lied for about one hr, was too tired to get out of bed neither too awake to get to sleep....everytime i felt frustrated when i hit some climatic scene in my head, i would just start doing lots of sit ups, and convert that stress into some k.e, so i benifitted from venting all that stress in me...before all this, during dawn or something, around 1-6am in the morning,...my irritating bros phone kept ringing, for like 5 times during 6 hrs...sigh...i kept waking up, while he kept sleeping....first two times, ignored it till it stops, and continue sleeping....but than it kept coming...and i just shouted at my bro to wake...don't know what he did...after that, i slept, woked by phone ring again...woke him again......blah blah blah....apparently it was phone call from the army...mobilization maybe...

so about yesterday, in school it was so boring...during physics lesson in the IT lab, ms chen called out jun jie or something, than i turned back and look...during this, something weird happened...it was like my eyes flew out and zoomed in....not at jj, but her, it was like my eyes was rite in front of her....she was just in my line of sight, it was like what felt like a long time...i was caught off guard, i didn't even realise i was looking at her...than it was like my eyes flew back, everything felt like it became smaller...and i looked away...(she was looking in my direction though, just not sure if at me...)..sigh...

after school, i was so really really boring....me and the guys(like 6 boys) went to kfc for lunch....2 pc original chicken! eww...not really a fan of kfc though....*pui!pui!*..after that we went to macs to do some hw around 12....we stayed there for like till 3.....all of them finished 15 qns of intergration set for the weekend...me finished like 5, half way thru had like brain freeze, i suddenly forgot everything to do with differentiation and intergration...it was like i tried but still i can't do even the simplest intergration which i knew i could do..i tried my best revising the whole chap, and even differentiation, but my head was just at another place..

during speech day, was like seated in the hall....than they showed this video of all of us dancing during teacher's day...i kind of freaked out...don't know how i felt, disgusted maybe...lol...the whole of speech day was one big darn mistake...it was as if all those VVVVVVips came just to watch those lame performances?!....esp the dances...sigh...pity these guests esp ppl who contributed their lives to education, they come to schools and thats how they are being entertained...dances....if they wanted something like this..watch vasantham central la....no need come all the way here mah...stupid school...and when ppl like me want to go to the toilet, damn murali doesn't allow...sigh, its always students who give in..if we wanted to fight back, we can stage a riot and end the performance right then just to make those damn teachers allow us go toilet....we don't even need a riot...like soccer matches or something, strip and run onto the stage and jump about like a mad man...................................................................................shall not waste my time going on on boredoms of such extremes....

after the concert, went down and thats when all the picture taking starts...guess its some tradition..the atmosphere was the sad feeling sort, happy sort...forgot the word to describe it, the kind you wished could last forever...anyway, took quite a number of photos, first with clement, chung, weijie yorick, that grp...then went over to 2a1 side....took a lot...then one with her...and with the band peeps..thank you all of you...it made my day, and it would stay with me forever(or a long time at least)..

Well...all the while(more like the whole day), my head was revolving round two things...One was her...the other was something i didn't see much of the whole of yesterday.. Grateful to those that offered to take our pic.. We just stood there waiting for them to shoot,until the others prompted..I guess it was quite awkward at first..(both of us haven't spoke for ages..) I placed my hands on her shoulder, it wasn't awkward for me as i didn't exactly feel distant all this time even though we were.. But not sure if she was ok with it..even if she was, she could have felt awkward, and now i am still not sure if i did the right thing of putting my hand on her.I was quite content being with her for that short 30 secs though...what that is harder to get, feels more valuable in the long run i guess....Don't know if i made or broke her day, but maybe i don't even revolve around her life anymore.. Something made her feel worst after that like half an hr later, or that was maybe how she felt the whole day, and someone laid the spark..Sigh..wonder why.. Guess whatever she was thinking of wasn't me..lol...

living everyday suffering without her from that small decision that i made...after that, i thought i could let go, but how could i when i'm living it? that small decision wrecked everything, what is today, would never have been..i can only blame myself...
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so theres one more new guy, or two maybe three...or even four...lol..ah its not like its not been like this....its nothing new...not only during these dark times, but what had been, is, and what will be.....well, all the time i had thought we had something special then(not that i just got to realise.)...sigh, heres something i'm sure of....if we were together, we would be greater than the atomic bomb..lol....but nothing will ever let two great evils come together i guess...i've learnt a lot though....and well, her stare, just breaks everything in its way...thus resulting to what it is....one day, she is going to feel sick...well....i better not be one of those she's sick of...i really hope i could be the one to save her,but....what she does on purpose or unconsiously works even better than influence....wow, something that deserves my admiration...

sigh....i no longer want to fight for a driver's seat...it might seem like something to win, but being there just makes you lose everything...for some time now i guess, always wanted to be in the back seat, lay the spark, and watch the show.....(ah, maybe i'm just saying all this to look cool..wahaha...)...yeah, but its something i can't lie in reality, i wanted to be in the driver's seat, but lost it...it doesn't matter what these new generation of ppl will do...maybe they'll suceed, ........................................................................

whatever...have so much to write, but just feeling tired to type all this out in words...

This post is titled 'Angst' because serchung frequently uses it, and i'm feeling a bit angry, or rather, been feeling quite pissed for most of the day...Was really pissed at the start of day...lol...i don't know why...haha..sure feels like shit, then....felt like that all the way until halfway thru chem lesson(first lesson after recess)...i made use of the 'angst' , and tried to vent it in a more cheerful(i guess..) manner.... The whole day, the 'irritant' which shall not be named made my day worse...lol..during chem lesson, he poured water onto my seat, i unknowingly sat down...wasn't really bother by it at all though...felt like usual, but the heat in me needed a vent, and i just took my ice mountain water bottled and emptied lots of h2o on that damn 'irritant', without realising i went too far(if it was for someone normal like me.)...but to the 'irritant', i guess its just...

was feeling tired whole of physics lesson, but i forced myself up...and understood much of the lesson i guess...after physics lesson, returning to class, 'irritant' was again on it irritating me...but we were next to her(there are different hers in the history of all my posts i guess..readers, don't assume the identity, but then again, your assumption could just be right..)...and again, i wasn't bothered, but my attention was diverted to her instead...weird feeling ran thru me...lol...just felt like hugging her...haha...felt some sort of connection, (even though nothing connected, just how i felt at that pt of time..), wonder if it is possible for her to feel the same during the exact same pt of time, but its quite impossible if you think realistically....

after school, i went home early(2nd consecutive day, have to start studying..even though not much have been done..),...so did she....and i made this damn huge mistake of asking the 'irritant' to leave with me....cause he is what he is....irritating....making my day worse than it already is...kept bugging me...i thought i could pour my heart out, nope....he just kept whining about everything...and poor me had to listen...sigh..not listening much though...he really destroyed all that is left of my social life...since now there is little of it left...kept bugging me on what to buy for gifts, which i have no idea...my head was else where...(by now, it should be obvious where it is..)..
with him around, i didn't have the chance to bid farewell with them and her...

all the way he bugged and bugged...at home, during my nap, he called and bug where he should go and buy the prezzies...forgot if he called twice, thrice, or only once...anyway...all of us had decided to buy a the two presents together, so we could get something more expensive and of greater value...but he just kep insisting he wants to get his seperate stuff...if so, then why keep bugging me?!...

usually i tolerated him, but today i just felt like bursting out..sigh...

anyway, Thinking of the same thing..

here without you..

i'm feel so like shit, its so boring...nah..but enough complaining...feeling for a person for such a long time....but i guess a previous experienced help me to let go much easily now...why did i misunderstood in the first place...there were so many before me, they 'failed' (no better word)....so i guess i've failed, and so will others in future......she must really feel sick..lol... hope those guys don't ruin her too bad...sigh..

guess i have to accept another fact in life that ppl just come and go....even if they made a big impact or so....they will be gone someday, if not now, in future....

anyway..into another matter,..not sure whats wrong with me...i guess absence not only makes the heart grow fonder, but i kind of realise all that she has done for me...even if she did not do it on purpose, how she behaved has helped me i guess....and all the time i thought she being cold and everything was a torture to me then...but i guess, it helped made everything simple...instead of complicating things i guess....not sure, but i think she hasn't complaint to many...which is something i should be grateful for, for the things that i have done....sigh...she has a heart of gold, and i regret for not beliving in what could have changed my life...'her'....and now i've lost all guts to even face her, let alone talk to her...don't know whats going on with her either...i kind of hoped we could start over(getting to know each other and all, friends...) since dec, but that never happened....and kind of made it even worse again and again....wonder if she still does dislike me or anything...

whatever.....i guess everything is out of the way now...i have nothing bother my 'pathetic' mind anymore...studies.....OHhhhhhARGHh......another bother....

...no no..i don't know whats going on....with everything moving so fast, and i'm about to be left behind...oh no...don't know whats going on...what to do?! what to do ?!...hmmm...wonder how is she....i still miss her sometimes i guess...but that was then, and now....

since i know nothing....i've got nothing to update...Zzz

i just want to spend the time i have left with the ppl that i love...if not, once they are gone, i'll regret forever..sigh..yesterday was great today was shit...a day i try to believe i can live without her, the next day i'll suffer a greater deal of heartache..The more i try, the worst i feel..sigh..i can't even lie to myself about my feelings...

listening to our bands recordings....very proud of it...not very proud of my playing though...but the recordings sounded nice....

what can i do.....my blood boils when she does....i can feel the heat so badly i start to perspire in the cold.....my eyes get heavy and sore...sigh...i wish i could...if only we could be together...but i don't know how to approach....omg....i guess there will never be the possibility....i hope and i pray....but *sigh*.....

i'm pissed....

just felt awkward....ah...what have i done...well....all the time i felt comfortable with her.....since so way back....

look at the previous blogg...its really too late....

i've got the answers i'm looking for, through deep thought..(again.)...i just hope that its not too late, coz i have no assuarance yet that if it has or has not begun....and this time, it might be just this, it might be 'it'.....didn't let my emotions get the better of me...can't be bothered about the other bout of problems either...only this....wish me luck....

what i'm about to say has everything to do with the title.....

firstly...i'm so lucky to be born around so many special ppl...(maybe its good maybe its bad..)all special people, well even normal ppl, have both good and bad points...people which i label as 'special' just mean that these ppl have changed a great deal in my life and in me....i've told some of how they are...so i guess i'll not continue about it....but i'll be eternally grateful for the 'man' or boy if you prefer, that i am today....(god?)....

well, this girl is special in a way...caught my attention from the very beggining...i'm so confused of what happened in between...i'll just stop there....anyway...well, she looks for more than just a nice handsome guy or whatever..(all girls do rite....)...well she looks for emotional connection...(most go for the surface first, before actually diving into this..)...i see it this way, due to the guys that had been around her, yet she does not 'react?'....well all this, could be beyond my understanding or is it?...sigh...her feelings for me i do not know, but for her to see such similarities, does not mean it literally is the same....just means that, her feelings she feels now is the same one she has felt before....that feeling could be love, perhaps....but she may never understand... Wow....it is amazing how zodiac signs can explain the personality of a person....she matches it.........................................................................................................................................

How many special ppls change, how many life are living strange.. where were you while we were getting high.....slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball....where were you while we were getiting high...someday you will find me, caught beneth the land slide....theres a champagne supernova in the sky...someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide...theres a champagne super nova, a champagne supernova in the sky....

i wish for all the time i felt like this...i could express how i feel thru a song....i'm caught in between yet nobody knows....

well for somethingelse...i hope its good...