Thoughts of a 'Man'

hey....ppl....sigh, couldn't blog yesterday, since blogger took such a long time to load...probably all the clementeens are blogging, flooding the servers....(nah..)..

anyway...woke up today,like 8 30....than just lied in bed thinking, maybe some of yesterday's after-speech-day happenings, and than girl problems and all..sigh..(my mum came in just about 2 secs ago, and bugged me...)....lied for about one hr, was too tired to get out of bed neither too awake to get to sleep....everytime i felt frustrated when i hit some climatic scene in my head, i would just start doing lots of sit ups, and convert that stress into some k.e, so i benifitted from venting all that stress in me...before all this, during dawn or something, around 1-6am in the morning,...my irritating bros phone kept ringing, for like 5 times during 6 hrs...sigh...i kept waking up, while he kept sleeping....first two times, ignored it till it stops, and continue sleeping....but than it kept coming...and i just shouted at my bro to wake...don't know what he did...after that, i slept, woked by phone ring again...woke him again......blah blah blah....apparently it was phone call from the army...mobilization maybe...

so about yesterday, in school it was so boring...during physics lesson in the IT lab, ms chen called out jun jie or something, than i turned back and look...during this, something weird happened...it was like my eyes flew out and zoomed in....not at jj, but her, it was like my eyes was rite in front of her....she was just in my line of sight, it was like what felt like a long time...i was caught off guard, i didn't even realise i was looking at her...than it was like my eyes flew back, everything felt like it became smaller...and i looked away...(she was looking in my direction though, just not sure if at me...)..sigh...

after school, i was so really really boring....me and the guys(like 6 boys) went to kfc for lunch....2 pc original chicken! eww...not really a fan of kfc though....*pui!pui!*..after that we went to macs to do some hw around 12....we stayed there for like till 3.....all of them finished 15 qns of intergration set for the weekend...me finished like 5, half way thru had like brain freeze, i suddenly forgot everything to do with differentiation and intergration...it was like i tried but still i can't do even the simplest intergration which i knew i could do..i tried my best revising the whole chap, and even differentiation, but my head was just at another place..

during speech day, was like seated in the hall....than they showed this video of all of us dancing during teacher's day...i kind of freaked out...don't know how i felt, disgusted maybe...lol...the whole of speech day was one big darn mistake...it was as if all those VVVVVVips came just to watch those lame performances?!....esp the dances...sigh...pity these guests esp ppl who contributed their lives to education, they come to schools and thats how they are being entertained...dances....if they wanted something like this..watch vasantham central la....no need come all the way here mah...stupid school...and when ppl like me want to go to the toilet, damn murali doesn't allow...sigh, its always students who give in..if we wanted to fight back, we can stage a riot and end the performance right then just to make those damn teachers allow us go toilet....we don't even need a riot...like soccer matches or something, strip and run onto the stage and jump about like a mad man...................................................................................shall not waste my time going on on boredoms of such extremes....

after the concert, went down and thats when all the picture taking starts...guess its some tradition..the atmosphere was the sad feeling sort, happy sort...forgot the word to describe it, the kind you wished could last forever...anyway, took quite a number of photos, first with clement, chung, weijie yorick, that grp...then went over to 2a1 side....took a lot...then one with her...and with the band peeps..thank you all of you...it made my day, and it would stay with me forever(or a long time at least)..

Well...all the while(more like the whole day), my head was revolving round two things...One was her...the other was something i didn't see much of the whole of yesterday.. Grateful to those that offered to take our pic.. We just stood there waiting for them to shoot,until the others prompted..I guess it was quite awkward at first..(both of us haven't spoke for ages..) I placed my hands on her shoulder, it wasn't awkward for me as i didn't exactly feel distant all this time even though we were.. But not sure if she was ok with it..even if she was, she could have felt awkward, and now i am still not sure if i did the right thing of putting my hand on her.I was quite content being with her for that short 30 secs though...what that is harder to get, feels more valuable in the long run i guess....Don't know if i made or broke her day, but maybe i don't even revolve around her life anymore.. Something made her feel worst after that like half an hr later, or that was maybe how she felt the whole day, and someone laid the spark..Sigh..wonder why.. Guess whatever she was thinking of wasn't me..lol...

living everyday suffering without her from that small decision that i made...after that, i thought i could let go, but how could i when i'm living it? that small decision wrecked everything, what is today, would never have been..i can only blame myself...
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