Thoughts of a 'Man'

"when mathematics fails."

was at esplanade last night.....me and chung as always, decided to head to the free gigs available during the weekends there.......its been a long time since we've been there.....during the few times that we headed there, it was always some ska bands, not that they were bad...but the crowd were a turn off.....

and finally......reading the friday Life! newspaper, they showcased some upcoming local bands, dualtone and b-quartet.....and ever since i heard this local band, Camra, play....i was surprised that the alternative genre was so alive....even radiohead would be proud.....

b-quartet was really really good......one of the best local music i;ve heard yet.....electrico can forget it.....unless you're going mainstream....ships was saying how the vocalist was high and behaved like bind melon's shannon hoon...lol... i was expecting him to start making fun of ppl already by then......lol

all my favourite elements of music in one band.....heavy drumming, dreamy singing, non-midi non-synth sounding electronic sounds..........

so i bought the album, the poem on it inspired this post................

"you do not have an imaginary friend.
i am not your imaginary friend.
i believe we have come to a point,
somewhere halfway through our lives,
where we could be living in a cardboard
box and not be too bothered by it the
very next morning. i woke up yesterday
with a very bad headace. you had no idea
that we were stranded in the middle of the road.

i blame the bloody autopilot button.

go to sleep. do not wake up until i do."

non-conformist sounding...emo...and against everything that currently exist..


so begins this episode of self-reflection........

i remembered when i was younger.........much younger......all the times when i was young that i could remember.....push the corn up the holes of a lotus root, when your mum brews soups like these...

i was a rebel in preschool.......i was the only rebel in preschool......i don't know what was right or wrong..just did what i want, not what i was told.....i guess i was being caned too much when i was young...my parents told me i was given the most as well as given the cane the most.....didn't give a shit about the teachers, was punished all time.....remembered all the crimes i committed, but never the punishments or repercussions...

wasn't anti social or what......every morning i would enter the nursery all cheery, but i will always seclude myself..............its not that i will not mix around with others or was shy.........but the first 1 hour in the morning while we wait for all the children to be delivered, we will get to play with toys and all...........i never learnt to play with other children.....i only knew how to play with myself...everyone else will be talking and making noise with one another....but i will be alone, gathering the big pieces of lego,duplo(i think), for my 'project' every morning.....during this period, i will not mingle with anyone but kept to myself....obsessed in building elaborate spaceships, always wanted to be an astronaut after watching lots of starwars and startrek....or i will be building my bungalows with back and front yards....... there was this once, when i was only over 2, this 6 yr old fat indian kid came to disturb me while i was busy with my engineering pursuits......i don't think i was pissed off....but you know how children are.....watch supernanny, and that was how irritating i was....a push here and there and a fight ensues......i was being slammed into the book shelves.....and i broke something which my parents had to pay..........

i'm bored now...don't wanna blog time away...........i guess i'll head down to jp to shop and stroll around.....some eye candy and some sweet gifts for my taste buds will do me good.............but not before some exercise.......

what happen when life is all too smooth-sailing........find yourself some problems.....

I AM THE LAW.........

freaking hell....just looking thru at ppl on friendster.......i believe friendster provides a good representation of a person's personality(shit personalities esp...).....depending of whatever they put up on their profiles, the photos they post........

for me, i try to do whatever is interesting....whatever is to my liking, and not bother about whether its what ppl judge me upon......my blog?......i guess i like its ambiguity, and plain outlook....nothing fancy to divert ppl's attention from this die-hard compulsion to release my (esp)frustration of this stinking world......what motivates me to be who i am is the hatred and love i have for life and this world, devoid of any particular culture or belonging, unlike most, whether its seeking acceptance, competition..........some ppl just try to hard......

being in NS for a wee-bit greater than 3 weeks, i have not had much contact with the outside world......i don't know how social life is like in the 'real world'.....how stupider it is becoming and which ppl are soughting to become.... friendster is a great place to read, if not entirely, into the minds of ppl.....

its not that hypocrisy is bad....its not that we should feel the need to be who we are or 'just be natural'.............be cheena and beng whatever, just don't be irritating.......

(i wish i was a painter/artist, so i don't have to whine so much in words...when a picture speaks a thousand words.)

even in NS, where there is no point for it existence, it exist.......where the actions of some speaks so deafeningly loud, "Look at me, I'm Impressive!".........

in case, you still don't get what i'm whining about.........partly, its being fueled by the wrong reasons such as trying to impress instead of the 'fire that is burning inside'(corny, i know...i meant passion)......partly its innate, where its happens because they do not recieve enough respect from ppl, resulting in low esteem, which tingles this natural instinct....just like being thirsty, your body feels uncomfortable, and you seek water....since humans are not animals, and instincts are not what controls our actions ultimately...CANNOT BE FORGIVEN.

in case you're wondering, trying to use strong words, unconciously trying to impress readers(if any)......no i'm not....not trying to be bombastic....pompous maybe.....i just want to improve my language....the same reason i go jogging....same reason for being so masochistic as to enjoy all the runs in NS......

ahhhhhhhhh....enough for today....got so much i have left to say, so much i've forgotten about, so much i've left out.....but thoughts continue evolving every second....like clouds.....i wonder how einstein can explain that with space-time....how he settled on an exact theory when his thoughts are no longer the same as it was a sec ago, since it continues to be distorted by time?.....i'm just mumbling crap...don't have any knowledge on this....relativity relative before relative now relative on its own....huh?

also feel like i'm losing the knowledge that i've spent whatever little time i took to memorise it in jc.....read read read.....i get a high, curiousity of a child, if you haven't noticed, with everything i do.......and i know it does irritate ppl...

now i'm bored again.........life before NS wasn't colourful....now, i still feel the same.......its just so plain.....i haven't lost motivation.....since feeling like this only makes me appreciate things more and look forward to every next day for what might be my impending windfall....

if i'm on the verge of dying from starvation, i will never resort to begging.....i'm not in denial, but desperation just doesn't make one look good.

humans will never be satisfied.....we will always have that something that we're waiting for......

even here, i find it hard to let it all out.....i promise to be a selfless person 5 months ago..so much so that i constantly remind myself not to talk about myself in front of ppl.....no one likes someone who goes on forever about themselves and not give others a chance to speak, since innately we all need to express ourselves..............

but when i'm emo, its just hard to pay attention to others and avoid being self-absorbed....its always easy to tell the selfish from the selfless........we can easily tell the egoistic from how much they constantly talk about themselves....they may not boast outright....but it becomes obvious....

always, these ppl are the most mentally vulnerable.....and easily misled......for they are the most self-conscious, and have the lowest self-esteem, having the need to let everyone know about their past accomplishments....if you are a salesperson, these ppl are your cashcows...............

i diverged again........anyway, i just have so mucht things that i want to do...but the short 'bookout' days just keeps getting shorter......shorter than other companies....i do not live a life of my own anymore.....well i guess all of us do not have the luxury to make that choice, to choose our genes, our looks, place of birth and so on........

................thats it.....will not go on with describing the same "emoness" with different sentences...

expressing myself doesn't seem to help anyway............gotta correct something i just said above....., its not about self-expression........its about obtaining the attention of others....what is art without admirers.......No man is an island.......constantly relying on those around us for emotional comfort............