Thoughts of a 'Man'

theres still time...but until now, disappointment engulfs me.................

i see all the things that i fall short....and in this process of redefinition...its really really hard.....its unimaginable the possibility of overcoming this fear......i know what to do, what it takes.......

its more than that first step really........................i took it....it has changed my entire perspective....to be exact.............IT HAS CHANGED MY EXISTENCE

but not enough courgae and determination to take it......................

this is not about love, girls, relationships, emotions..........integral yet small part of the equation....its not what i'm after in the end.................nothing can fill that empty hole that both God and Man have created and widened.............

finally, the ability to understand ppl better than they themselves do, and society as a result.............

i hope this blog tracks the performance, the process, the obstacles, anxiety and fear.........

noone reads these things and understands them.......................

wondered if i should write something today.............had a good week this week...both in camp and out of camp.............

life is what you decide to frame it up in...........

sometimes i wish i could go express this experience to everyone...tell everyone just how i'm feeling right now...this phase that i'm going through in life.....i'm constantly smiling to myself...but just can't tell anyone about it.....no everyone around me just won't understand....they'll fail to see that life can be fun...everyone is living their secluded lives...i'm just over the top of my head................

i constantly make contrasts these days between myself and the lives of others.....it seems that ppl cannot get out of the FISH TANKS that a million years of evolution has placed us in.........we cross the paths of the same old ppl surrounding our lives all the time....even when we try to spend some alone time, its the same old ppl that we keep getting ourselves caught into....like the same old goldfishes that we spend every single day and second with.........

why constantly baffle ourselves the neverending complicating lists of problems by the same few ppl..... to me, life should be, and is heading that way right now, an OCEAN....every stranger that crosses my path that day is a friend or yet to be, every freaking one of them....it goes something like, strangers are just friends that are yet be discovered.......we don't live in tribes anymore....where there is no known word such as 'stranger'..we don't live with the same ppl everyday of our lives till death.......transport, communication and the population boom has forced upon us to coexist with ppl we only begin to meet the very next second, to explore humanity....................................................................................................................................i hate to go on....ask me about it if you want

i won't say that i'm absolutely happy and contended.........

its just that...life doesn't seem that cloudy anymore....its clear..and the sun's rays only serve to charge me up.......my goals in life are simple.......health, career, relationship..........without one, and humans seep into depression.................

in case i've never really mention to anybody why...heres why this is such a good week........

before this, ive been gearing up towards this week...and this week, things start to fall into place....

got gold (*) for my ippt......cleared my soc; the standard obstacle course.........no ones talked about it a lot, because everyone is ashamed of it....the amount of fear that surmounts when clearing it...........for 3 weeks, i stared at fear in the eye...so much so i understood it...everyone who does soc fears it..........the ppl who excel are the ones that challenge it..........its like jumping out of the plane really.....50 times into it...and you will still feel the andrenaline.............i approach ppl which is hard....talk to ppl who hate me..............and who i hate........

simply put, i'm placing myself in all the uncomfortable positions that i can ever imagine, or which is brought up at that moment........why?.....to get use to discomfort...........

is there a point in it?...my point is, if a person throws a set of keys at your face, and you have not mastered a way to catch it, its gonna hit your face and you're going to whine in pain.........allow that person to keep doing that...............keep getting your face smashed up, mashed up whatever......soon you'll learn to catch it........................and soon after that.............when something flies towards you...........your hand moves to grab it without your own notice................i'm finding ways to solve the everyday problems that we seek to avoid.......like newton and einstein questioning the 'nature' which ppl seem only to care less about..................soon, i can just deal with everything that life THROWS at me.................without a single sleepless night, without a flinch....get a million heartbreaks, so your mind doesn't screw with you when the next one comes along.......

shiping asked me if girls dislike guys who use vulgarities.......i propose let there be vulgarities.........its ok to have hate in the air.........fuck this, fuck that, fuck him, fuck her.........it shows the world and GOD how unpure, or really pure we are....that we aren't hypocrites...we can't get rid of it...our parents come in and nag at us, or disagrees with something, in our minds we curse the hell out of them........we don't just smile at our enemies...it takes more courage to stand up and say fuck you to the person you hate then to be nice to him/her.......

thats all i'm going into this week.............suddenly, sleep seems so precious, when you've got something to accomplish tommrrow.........

i part you with this wise words guys, so you may live the next 28,251 days minus the no. of days you've lived to the MAXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx..............

"There is a saying. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why we call it the present." - Master Wu Gui (haha...rmb kung fu panda...)

i can't describe the feeling..................what hold behind this fear is a high that is beyond description.................i merely got a sample of it....and i know i just got to have more of it...........

its not easy...

gonna keep this short....sayonara.....

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my life....my past.........its all rubbish.....................

decided to take a short 5 min look at friendster to catch up with whats going on...........and i saw hell before my eyes....my friends have been reduced to junk.........they've been hit by the G-virus or something...victims of their own instability of emotions. maybe i've been hit too...how can i not be....

a hard piece of trash....hard piece of reality..............hard to get rid off.............

page by page i unravel.......the more disgusted i get...........

this is not about me anymore..........whats wrong with everyone...you guys are the problem.....
building layers and layers of plaster on your face, on your lives,meshed up with all the ppl unlucky enough to be part of it..............never putting your best foot forward....

i can't pretend to be happy....not like you guys with your fun-filled lives.......

Turns out that God didn't make us any different from all the other organisms on this planet... humanity is no better than the animal kingdom....

i'll stop here and spare the evolutionary theory and our imperfections.....

are our daily actions hardwired into our brains? i pose myself the same question everyday.....whether my actions are an act of emotion(in the process to overcome that fear) or an act of fear.............homeostasis...........http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homeostasis

i don't even know why i constantly have this urge to blog.....when i try to avoid it..........it comes down on me forcefully........

simply put............................WE DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE to any part of our actions.............our brain successfully releases the equilibrium amount of hormones that causes the right amount of fear stress and emotional pressure....

i've been up on stage times enough to know how to manage my fear....i don't know why that constant fear is always there, that nervousness....................its the strongest just before you are about to go up.............its more than just insecurities, worries, and the unexplainable stress....its just the mind creating that paralyzing fear that i'll become a fool when all that attention(its weird how we fear attention, but our emotions seeks out attention,homeostasis) is on you...its not like i'm afraid that i'll screw up....we've practised so much, its relegated to muscle memory or whatever......... i went up anyway......and 1 minute into the whole thing......that fear dissolves.........that energy in me up its peak so much that i'm holding it in, from blowing up but still i'm not in control...(its weird....this time to others, to the audience seem insignificant, for those under the pressure, everything happens in bullet time, we noticed every detail thats going on...it seems like its the longest time of our lives..caused probably by andrenaline)....

what made me go up......was my emotions on the other side telling me that i'll would be so disappointed with myself if just sit here and not walk towards my outcome..........emotion is a weapon, it leads us to do all the impossible things that our fear is stopping us from..............its double-edged-sword-like though...

imagine the guy suffering countless sleepless nights, emotional despair....and ultimately proclaiming his love in the most frustrating of fashions to his crush...............

emotion overrode his fear of rejection.....................at the same time, emotion threw a rock at his own face by doing something extremely stupid..........

anyway...i'm bored now.......................i wanted to go on...but my mind has told me its enough and there are other things that simply need my attending to........

our purpose; our choice? in life may simply be to survive and pass on our genes.....i guess its important to consider the purpose(whatever delusions you may have, how noble that purpose may be, i will not dictate what that purpose is, but the entire human race must have that same purpose. afterall we're built the same way rite?) of our lives on this planet and how our brains are controlling our actions to meet that purpose or at worst it shuts itself out into depression and ultimately suicide...

i told some ppl about it verbally, they do not agree with me at the sametime slapping themselves in the face...cos i saw it happen before my eyes the sequence of steps that their mind took at that very same moment.......


-P.S- i have no depth, merely breadth.....the reason why i'm still like this.........why i think think think, blog blog blog....i'm still looking for my answers....my emotions led me into this, i believe emotions will lead me thru this, and finally lead me to overcome my fear......from there i guess my emotions will still be there to lead me thru that unknown........to meet my purpose in life)