Thoughts of a 'Man'

if you do what you always do, you'll get what you always get...

if you've decided to risk it all by pushing all the buttons, even hitting the wrong ones by mistake.......be prepared to face all the backblasts of it............................

it was all for the world to become better.....................................

stepping out of your comfort zone..................i've literally been stepping into discomfort..........i guess its worth it....who knows what i'll become in a few months time.............

self initiating challenges..............

i'm sorry but i feel its quite necessary to abandon online correspondence with the world...........
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its hard i tell you.............it takes a lot of will to do what i'm trying to do..........doing all these things that you've never ever paid attention to.....all these bad habits that you're trying to quit........have you ever tried to quit smoking?....at least now i can even imagine how hard it is..........

its hard for Mao to pull reforms over his country..........its hard for ppl in Eastern Europe to get back up on their feet after the fall of USSR..........its hard to start taking responsibility when you've been told what to do, and doing whats necessary the whole time................

it takes more than a flick of a switch in your head, takes more than a mid-life crisis, more than the support of all the people in your life put together to power, fuel, drudge that change...and theres no way others can help, cos there is just no way for them to lighten the load.......you're an exploding man, they cannot explode for you.........it takes strong will

E=mc^2

that freaking immense expansive load of energy required to produce that minute negligible grain of sand....imagine bringing that change into your life.....you'll need 999999(x99) nuclear reactors........

for 18 years......working hard to me, was merely studying hard for my tests and exams...wrestling with my books........i never in my entire 18 years gave up few months of my time to dedicate and commit myself entirely to study.............such was my weak-willed brain.........getting the grades i've got again and again, though never once i've been satisfied, entitles me to a 'phew...thank God.' ................

my guitar skills suck, my hockey skills suck.......never putting myself through the tough grilling..

and now...............for the first time of my life..........i urgently urgently needed to change..........this urgency, never reminded me of my Alvls..........its the project of the lifetime.................

my mind has been out in the field since sunday......about 6-7 days.......it hasn't taken a breather.......i've been returning home to sleep each day because i need to start off again the next day......................................................................................

i'm leaving the house once more....

life has its frustrations.........and like most guys.....i've been wussing out on my fears all this while.....

but this has been what i'm setting out to change these days..

i wanna suceed in life....and in my life i will be the master.. no one to get in the way..."hey look! shows over here!....let me finish first..."

in this life...............i will have to change some of my biggest flaws........its not about not being myself, its not about becoming a hypocrite.....years of fears and bad habits cultivated a wuss..........i'm not comfortable being a wuss......now, or be forever extricated from society....

you guys are living a terrible reality..........

success in life is worth dying for....that first step to acheive a goal.....that first plunge to acheive a huge success...........

What you wish for doesn't fall into your lap........

despite anxiety, take that leap of faith you must...........

i finding it so hard to do something so simple....what is so unthreatening is so threatening to me now...............time is against me, and all i did was to wait and wait........................letting time past me....................

saying "just do it"...and doing it.....are two very different things................

the conscious is willing, but the unconscious is filled with fear and insecurities..........leaving the comforts at home and choosing to walk on hot coals is a hard decision................................

the indians could walk on hot coals.............only because they thought nothing of it.........

i have just about 2 hours left to do something.............or do nothing................

WHAT THE FUCK!...............................I"M GETTING OUT......................

its weird, cos i've been seeing 'magic' and phenomenas happen before my eyes....and i can no longer deny that its impossible.....................

finally some material to write on after a freaking long dry spell...........

its weird how everything we do has a social reason behind it..........and i've come to realised a little too late that social skills matter in whatever we do.......*lost in transition*

oh my..its been a long time and i've been finding it hard to express myself.....

lets just get down to the specifics shall we?

it felt like "two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl..." i failed terribly today......i managed to disarm a few obstacles and opened some doors within myself.......however it also seemed that i've failed to disarm some obstacles that piled up.....its important that i reflect on what i did, an AR so to speak...

first, i was crappy...and realised that i was so inexperienced and inept that i was finding it tough to crack an egg...............there can be no mistakes, and it wasn't smooth....simply, you had to precise even when it comes to the simplest of operations...

i'll break it down in timeline order, so it'll be easier to recall the events that happened.........then at random....

before i approached, i visualised all the formations possible....first, the ones that were unfavourable....the one that made him the pro...the one that would have ruined my game from the start.........if he were to flank....it would be favourable if he made a direct confrontation.........what most guys would do which serves only to intimidate.........however after realising the possibility of an additional character, the possibility of favourable conditions were on the decline......here comes the weird thing, either by sheer coincidence or the thought-to-be 'fail-safe' approach that ppl use to both get a comfortable hold and the perceived advantage of direct contact, both characters adopted the same ideal and gave me what i had looked forward to....i got the flank, but soon my glee will be shortlived.........

this is where i lacked...........early into it...obstacles begin to appear.....i realised that, being in the center of it all is necessary to be in control.....when the limelight shifted here and there, frequencies up and down....all i could do was to hide(not out of fear) someplace else till it was clear again.....its hard not to be able to sail in the right direction....leaving the sails to the winds was foulplay..........in fact thats what i did all the time, when obstacles were around...i just did not know how to solve them...........when i was sidelined, when i realised i felt i was pulled around instead of being untouchable..........being untouchable is not something to be done all times but only at the right times...i guess i resorted to it too much.............instead of finding a solution at the point of time........

my leverage started to show, clearly, everyone has their insecurities...it can be told by their actions, words, behaviour, the flitting of eyes.....every action every act is inseperable from the emotions in their minds....even celebrities have them, feeling as if the whole world is watching thier everymove..........

hmmm...signals which i still have doubts with...........these signals which i do have doubts with whether they were of coincidence.............but ask any expert, and they'll say that the doubts were a result of self-conciousness...and the obvious may be true.....the unconcious....the kinesthesia meant that a bridge was set....the high spirits, even through the uneventful(which entirely is my fault) hours....flitting sights, speedy mouthfuls of blabber that spewed, inappropriate laughters that weren't at the junctions...............imagine reckless driving without care for the presence of roads.............the conscious...... formations taken, the enemy's appreciation of situation(AOS) that led to the switching of formations after a hesitation?

ahh........and the stepping stones which i failed to realise and take...............

i failed miserably.............but still attempts were made, thus i guess i was on the right track?....................

failed to be in control.........bad closing...nuff said.........

profile............. it actually exists.............,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,......................

i just need more knowledge and practise.............

"Every adventure to be had in this room is on the dark side. The people on the light side are asleep right now. And they are dreaming about the dark side. Because the more you try to repress the dark side, the stronger it gets, until it finds its own way to the surface. I sleep well. I dream of angels and sponge cake and panda bears. I don’t see the dark side until I open my eyes. " - strauss

nuff said...........will be booking in tonight...and i hate it........i hate it when my freedom is taken away from me.

no more hesitation.........lets do it.........