Thoughts of a 'Man'

this entry should have been upped aons ago........but there was no point, until now the inner voice has demanded that it speaks..........

lately, i've begin to make some changes, measures.....

for good or for worst.......just trying to understand my psycological being, my own behavior, my excuses, my emotional state...its hard to control...........i've heard that hynoptism can cure phobias, render you immune to all fears.................................i'm really doing this the hard way........

exploring all different avenues, everything i can learn from..........everytime i step out of house these past few weeks, i seek new experiences....stepping out of the comfort zone sorta thing..........

so far...it has yet to bear fruit.....disappointments most of the time....but there are few successes to note.............still it doesn't stop me from trying...........

this concerns my future.........that piece of paper acknowledgement that i receive after 5 yrs is useless...............you can't mug and work your way up............................i taking every step to build that foundation for my health career and relationships.......

this is really beyond me, time and space....i really want to be one of those rare human beings on this planet that gets this all figured out..

the next 10 years will be an uphill battle....i'm not looking for petty rewards.......i'm not trying to earn anybody's respect....i don't give a fuck about anybody now....it's me alone against the 6.45 billion ppl on this overcongested bulging polluted space...............i don't give a shit what happens to me now...what ppl see me now.....i'm alone.....chances are the ppl i've spent the last 20 years getting to know will not be in my social circle within the next 10 years......... sad but true.........

we are preconstructed by evolution, immensely slow and outdated, to believe that the ppl we know will stay by our sides our entire lives.............sadly, if we don't cherish them at that moment.......they drift away so fast.............we don't live in tribes and villages that we grow up in and spend our entire lives within that tribal community where everyone knows everyone else..........the modern world has completely destroyed this, but we are late in adapting..................................

thats it...gonna take a long nap....