Thoughts of a 'Man'

felt i haven't blogged sincerely for a very long time....not that i wasn't sincere for my last posts, but they were exactly 100% of what i felt....i don't know...sian

not sure if i'm going to take my econs test tmr....have to wake up before 6 and rush to school to take the test at 7.....because i have a physics workshop at nus....have to meet at 9 in school..i don't know how exactly i even deserve qualify for sdp...firstly...sdp in in pioneer is not even a really well established programme...the programme sucks....it doesn't really develop us, in anyway...the stuff it tries to give us is to make us more appealing for scholarship..concentrating on what is written on paper...so what if we have done..plenty cip, and went for plenty seminars....do we even qualify to be scholars....look at all the overseas scholars...they are really geniuses....me, i'm shit...lol..if ppl are smart, they are already in hwachung and raffles.....sdp is totally pointless....

ok..anyway, the programme sucks...but i suck even more..coz i'm not that smart to be in it...

my results are falling like crazy.....just like in sec1, and again in sec3 and again now.....
got 13/15 for maths test.....(almost everybody got full marks...we are suppose to get full marks)....for physics test i got 17/30, and a long paragraph by my teacher...'Your attitude towards academic is not right. You may find that after 2 years in JC, It is only getting into uni that which matters. WIth your attitude now. You are far from target..'ok...i don't blame my teacher....i think he is really good, when i submitted my physics file, all my tutorials since the i entered jc had not been done....measurements..omg..i want to kill myself...he didn't scold, but just ask me to finish it..the next time he checks...he minused 1% from my CA.....i guess...what he did was all that i could ask for...he understands that scolding a student probably makes him worse....

i always placed myself in situations like this since pri 1...omg.....PRI 1!.....you read my report book, and you know i'm shit...my results through out my pri school was shit.....luckily, PSLE was lucky....i did quite 'well'.....('well', because i expected to enter normal academic..but which i didn't..) i got 185, or something for my prelims...in pri 6 i was last 5 or something....but psle came out..i wasn't..i was lucky...okay....but i guess many ppl just wasn't on form literally...

sec1.....perform like shit...scolded like hell, and was sent out of class almost everyday, and was sent to the principal again...sec 1 was my most pathetic year....i was damn stupid also...was last second in class..might as well be last...because the other guy was a good boy...and i'm dumb stupid, and irritable to teachers.... sec2 i don't know why..i don't know why a simple simple overly simple advice by my teacher push my grades up....and got 150 dollars from moe...WAHAHA.....the teacher said something like, 'why are you always not doing any homework...every thing do a bit, study abit...you can do better...' or something like that...so i started doing like 50% of my homework....so i was lucky again....

sec3 i fucked up all over again, last 5 in class again...aiyo.....but till sec4, i motivated myself to study because i like this girl, and that girl was like scoring like insanely smart, 1st in class....so i just study loh....well, probably because its the "OLEVELS" that makes almost everyone study...

and NOW, i fucked up for the fucking 4th time in my fucking life..................!.......everyone that has been like me, failing in secondary school a lot, knows that life is fucked up thats why.....i did badly this new term....this june holidays, have to study like i never studied before.....i'm not going to retain....i'm aiming for As and Bs for all my subjects....i know...i'm in the worst position to make such targets....but who cares....all of us know that we deserve to be raffles, all of us know that if we studied hard, and bypass singapore's sucky education system.... only if we studied hard.....

fall and stand up again

another thing, I'm bored... busy, yet empty....life's a rat race....we are working so hard for who knows what....i've given up trying to find out, and thus this irony, working hard in this rat race...omg...everyone knows suicide is the best answer...its not a last resort, but the best thing you can treat yourself to.....it is, but we are just too cowards to go do it....like me....