Thoughts of a 'Man'

this week, mind-baffling.....i foresee the next couple of days to be the same as i aim to keep up the tempo of self-discovery, self improvement, thru self-destruction................................

this week, my brain is truly messed up with the world around me flushed into it........

i don't know where to begin and i kind of do not have the time to properly reflect(is this a blessing?) even now....

now, where do i begin......its ironic because...i don't really have to have any material to produce, anything concrete to give, for all i want you guys who are reading this to purely feel for what i'm going through now........

everyday is a discovery of something new....even if it means that i got slapped in the face on the way....i get angsty, but the higher order part of my mind seem to be ignorant, impassive(how weird rite? impassive and passive means the same thing.....how opposite things actually mean the same process...more later) to the emotions driving my behaviors and reactions......i would do something, and right at that moment i would question myself on that baseless stupid action that i just did..........like leaning in.......

awareness is the right word....to be aware of practically everything thats happening around and WITHIN you.............is that good?...bad maybe, but definitely useful....why would anyone scrutinise every little thing that he himself does, from where he places his hands to how he moves his eyes..........to lock a consciousness to the subconscious.........i wonder if the subconscious exist within anymore, or it has moved to a whole new ground, elevated to somewhere which i need it................

the ugly side of ppl...their desire to fit in the rest of the world, as if everything they do will warrant opinions from others...like they care...we simply exist within us, so pathetically, TRAPPED.....................self-worth...............how much is your frame worth in contrast to others?
but all we want is to be free.....to be free of others judgement...instead we punish ourselves first by puttin ourselves through out own judgement..............

have i said how much i've understood the phrase, so cliche, repeated time and time again in kung fu movies..."you are your worst enemy"....

when i first heard it which i could not remember when, probably from raiden in mortal kombat or something...............it sounds freaking lame, i just could not recognise where it was coming from..........

until i realise concepts such as insecurities and demons within ppl........fear, that at the face of every challenge, that it is not the difficulty of overcoming it, but the reluctance of facing it....

ppl seeking liberation and perfection trap themselves within the 'rat race' for the neverending quest of accumulating wealth, hedonism, affluence..........that this is to truly be free???.....freewill comes at the expense of others judgement of you which you just cannot avoid.....wherenever you do something which is unpopular....everyone WILL shoot you down, this is not a consequence but a transition.....if you ever Stand up for yourself, despite all the negative pressure and manage to succeed, nobody will ever open their blardy mouths to bite at you again...

remember life is merely 28,251 days of time......you are watching yourself die every minute.........why the fuck is your heart beating, if you were meant to wait it out.....(excuse the pep talk to myself, i guess i need it).........

i speak enthusiastically to everyone around me, but i barely got the will to push myself..........for that i've been feeling unrelentlessly sorry for myself.......................

go carry out that dream every step of the way....

Thanks pretty, for letting me see that ugly side......*sadistic laughter*...........i'm now convinced, that weakness lies where it seems to be the strongest like bullies bully as they are bullied, mockers mock as they are mocked............