Thoughts of a 'Man'

black hole sun, won't you come, wash away the rain

as cryptic, nihilistic, ridiculous i may get...........................

today i've felt that i've made that effort...........really hard goals that i'm striving for, myself stuck to glue of dread, lethargy.......................i yearn for that change.....i guess everyone who reads this will know what i mean....

this is from the bottom of my heart......life puts you down.......to suceed, things have to seem unreachable.......... fear will pull you in circles...........

i could not explain my mood today.....months of self-exploration has revolutionised my systems........i felt like shit today, had 3 hours of sleep last night, came back slept a while more........the mental barriers never shifted, it still remains..............but reactionarily, i ignored all that and kept walking........never deny your desperate grasp for existence.........

some of you might have played it safe all your life.............some of you got it some of you don't.......many do not........some of you do try, but still within limits and comfort...............simply put, relying on friends, rolling in groups, not realising you've place an entire life, a bet in the hands of others....................in the words of mark renton, "never let your friends tie you to the tracks"

i don't know how slow all this is going to be...........how long i'll have to plough through this desert with a plethora of random beings...........tie bang mo chen zhen, grinding metal rod into needle.......i've felt that higher order of emotion today.....not the usual ones, not pain hunger fear or excitement....not happiness sadness anger or curiosity..................more like revelatory kind of emotion...............mind discovers something new, rewires your circuits....not like this was the first time...but it still feels great...........its part and parcel of what i'm going thru.......

how many degrees of change occured today...probably minimal.....................

i look to tomorrow for that courage.....it better be a whopping amount.........i've overrode my insecurities many many times.....but never to that extent that i'm expecting.............................


i am living in hell.....harbouring a fact......denying instant gratification, denying hedonism, denying escapism, burning my bridges and my boats...............................accepting pain, accepting responsibilities, demanding standards................

to be inhuman for the sake of survival.........

................................................................................................this is a bad post............even blogging to me is an addiction....

i kind of have some stories to tell.............but...got no time to waste.