Thoughts of a 'Man'

heartache in the morning. daydreams by noon. anticipation in the afternoon. nervousness in the evening. shattered by lost at night. insomnia at the turn of day.

i have 2 major problems right now....where should i start......am i fucked up (as in i'm screwed and in deep shit) or am i fucked up (as in my personality and character is fucked up).....

i personality and character is fucked up..... during gp today, we were asked to write the usual air-lvl essay. i saw the question paper and there were so many things that i have always been interested in and have written on before. For me, every specific topic deserve to be written about only once....my one-too-many policy.....there was media, which i did once for common test this year. the internet which i did promos last year...there was no arts which i wrote about twice...science, i had this magazine that had all the right content for the essay, writing it would not be a challenge.....then, there was 'Character is more important than personality. Discuss.' ....i hesistated for a while...but knew it was the only thing i was interested in.......its those 'no link' essay where you easily fail......i did moderately well for such an essay just previously...so i thought ideas would just cave-in.....but it didn't.........................................................................

long story short, i know i was for doomed.......i knew what was it about, but either i could not express what i wanted to say, or there was just nothing to write about something as stupid as that.....not that there weren't any good points, but there was no coherence........

so i realised, i'm not really clear about my own personality and especially my character, let alone judge others..... this i'm fucked up......

felt like crap the entire day.......there is only so much before the well runs dry......before oil is depleted.......i hate it, it lasted for a month....i guess.......all because i'm afraid, shy, loser, sissy and gay..........i wonder how i ever grew up to become such a coward..........

anyway, i waited waited and waited until 3 trains passed me by......but i myself was to blame....i was that coward that ran away and allowed her to pass me by even before the trains did.........

i learnt a big fat lesson today......never be a fucking coward......while i can run from what i want most, what i fear most, what i need to do most......i really can't run away from regret....regret will be waiting for whoever that runs away.....

sigh...it wasn't the first time i've been running away........i've been running away ALL MY LIFE.........its no wonder i've become this regretful person....and like all things evil, that vicious 'vicious cycle'..........

i really hope its not too late....that things can be repaired....even though i'm saying this, i don't know if i'll still remain a coward tommorrow...coz actually i've been saying this to myself many times these days, yet i've not changed..........i beg that nothing is ruined.......

while sounding like all is cool...i really felt like shit like i haven't felt for some years now.....i know i will feel like this if i continue...........i will change........


the other fucked up,..............my academics......its crap.....my work is crap, knowledge is crap......Preposterousness. i'll elaborate further another time......i know i this 'death ray' will stay in me long enough for another entry...........

have to sleep for handball tmr....at least there is some cheer to life....hopefully...weird that this depressing entry didn't sound depressing at all..................