Thoughts of a 'Man'

unsatisfied.......hmmmmm.......can't realyl express how i'm feeling right now.....i wonder how i got to feel like that....i guess, its this recurring thought that keepbounces back and forth in my head, which has just gotten worst today......the past week, the thought of the As coming closer and closer, and the need to wield some control over my fate in the exam keeps thumping harder and harder with each passing day...

do you think i can make it? do i think i can make it?....the so called 'mock battles' are all over.....all the 'mock battles' that i bothered but never had the will to work and try....the a lvls is a one shot one kill thing......i cannot be sure of the grades that i will get....only because i'm really aiming very high for it.....more like aiming for the best......if i follow religiously to my 'schedule' i should have 4 full days to concentrate on my economics.....4 full days to start over 2 years worth of stuff......i'm was quite motivated when i saw my econs grades for the prelims....i think i was 79percentile, a D.......i was lucky.....but this paper, i tried and did most of the questions, even when half the time i not sure of the answers that i have to give....i've only get Us for econ......it means there is still hope.... argh......if only i did like shit for midyears, i could have retained and that would have changed my fate entirely.......

but now, i have 2 weeks to change my destiny.....2 weeks to decide whether i'll continue to stay with my parents till past 30......take all the shit in now, or take the endless amt of shit in future, its only a small sacrifice...... I HAVE TO PRESS ON......


i was rolling about in bed last night, because i think i got some stuff figured out...it was so clear yesterday...but now that picture has fussed out.....

it took a little inspiration before the idea actually came into my head...i was thinking of two things...first, i was recollecting the times me, jiahao, junhui and daniel were having 'fight club'....i was always taking the hits.....when i tried to dodge, i'm stil being hit.....then i was thinking of the time crisis game i had the other day.......i was trying to dodge the bullets and still....i was hit.......
the two images linked, and i realised,

i was always the one taking the hits

not the one giving the hits..............have i realised how deep the rabbit hole goes?....i wonder if i've figured it all out and reach the ends of how it works.......do i know what to expect now?..i guess if you had such power and control, then i wouldn't be the only victim..from what i've heard.....its not turned off now and then, but its turned on all the time...i know a way out of this..........this is part one of the scheme, well, be the lure, pretend to be the prey, let the victims think they're acting and moving on their own accord, but well really you're the one pulling the strings..thru insinuation or whatever.....

it may even be something thats pulled off unconsciously simply because you've pick it up unconsciously and manage to pull it off so many times without knowing it....

but one thing i gotta constantly remind myself........stop being self-conscious about the insecurities.......and the only thing i'm insecure about is insecurity itself.......attention away from myself.....until i curb my weaknesses, i'll never live.......then i can wield power...


well, i know things should be quite stagnent for now, which is a good thing...until i can put my heart and soul to it, my heart and soul now goes to my studies..... my waves will not be stirred for the timebeing....

make love make love to my books........make it vulgar if its necessary.....