Thoughts of a 'Man'

well, i only recently realised what was being flashed right at my face....sadly, for me, i'm guessing the void right here is still void... yet things now are, not 'on her own'.....

emotions are like defects in the human psyche.......its unavoidable, but never make decisions, never allow yourselves to be overwhelmed by emotions, self-conciousness..... wonder how different it would be if i was smarter, less self-conscious, more control over my ever-yapping mouth, more control over emotions, more control over all the external factors......one cannot blame the external factors, because one is also responsible for allowing it to happen........i cannot blame my friends for the outcome of things, because i partook in the constitution of my own doom.(excuse me for the flowery...it gives me relief when i feel i can express myself with some words, whenever i feel i cannot....its like, 'more than words'....)

"What is necessary for the rise of evil is for good men to do nothing." some quote from some historian about hitler....


my ever-yapping mouth.......this i have to put a stop to........this need to just pour everything out of my head...like what i'm doing now on this blog...this blog actually goes against my principles of my newly restablished principles of keeping things to myself....now that i think of it, life was much much better at a point back in time when i kept everything to myself....

that point of time was not that back long ago, (or rather, it was the whole time before this point that i was always keeping stuff to myself) it was only 2 years back....when i still kept things personal.....wanna see the constant clouds that i lay around myself to shroud myself in mystery?
if you clicked all the way back to feb 2005 archives.......i guess it was when i first started blogging, it was when i first opened up a little....but even from that point on, my blog was never meant for any eyes, except for people who do not know me, strangers...i never told anybody about this URL, i wonder how ppl first stumbled upon it......i guess its because the url is also my username, 'bestfatz'...sigh....back in 2005, i was crazy about this girl as well, and when someone happened to stumble upon my private domain, a few ppl came to read my entries......one said i was sincere....which i took pride in until now.....also i wondered how my friends in jc, my classmates got this url in the first place....daniel said it was possible to search thru google...but i don't think google bought blogger over last year...not sure...i guessed they simply type in 'bestfatz'.............but still i wanted to keep it private, to lock it up, but the whole point of blogging was to connect to the world, to express yourself amongst the heavy traffic of the internet....so i didn't.....that feeling of wanting someone that is a total stranger who accidentally stumbles in to understand everything that you're going thru....(today, i know i should never expect or hope to find anybody that understands you)

i guess it all started when i started confiding in ppl, it made me trust ppl more easily without actually having a good reason to....trust someone merely because ppl listen?......its not that these ppl have bad intentions, its just that 'accidents', always, happen......and then everybody knows....what consequences?so what if ppl know? the consequences are dire....its always a small malfunction, small miscalculation, that leads to the entire destruction of say, a rocket ship, a rollercoaster, a ferris wheel even......investigators would always trace it back to a small loose screw, or a little piece of rock or fine dust particle that happens to get in the way.......its never over-cautious to be over-cautious.....

but i guess i'll be more careful now..... this blog will still be transparent......at least for now...


this blog also contradicts with something else.....because i'm constantly talking about myself(like everything thats above), placing myself in the centre of the universe, i wonder if it makes me more narcissistic, more self-absorbed and inevitably more self-conscious.....all these would make me less sensitive to the ppl around me and to the surroundings......ppl hate you when you go on and on about yourself..(though i do talk about society sometimes)....i've realise this...but blogging also happens to be like a drug, maybe i shouldn't be excused for using it to reassure myself and to stroke my own vanity....

maybe i should redirect this blog into a sort of place for self-discovery and meditation sort of thing....i do not have any guidelines though.....maybe when i do really start changing as a person, to be less selfish, less self-absorbed, will this blog, a mirror, a reflection, a shadow of the person that i am will also change....

now i'm wondering about something else, for the thirdtime....i wonder why am i going on and on about myself again....was supposed to be talking about that mere distraction in my head....but all these stuff i mentioned above connects...until i can learn to be less narcisstic and learn to love others more before i deserve any love.....


then then then again.....i should be studying!...instead of debating left and right, after which none of it actually matters....this blog is a curse!....... SSSSSSTTTTTOOOOOPPPP!