Thoughts of a 'Man'

So i was considering the idea of retaining for a really long time....so i decided to tell my CT, lee eng seng about it......i told him that i merely wanted to discuss.......he said ok and to look for him in the afternoon....

the next thing i know, i was interupted from my physics tutorial and ask to follow him to see the principal......omg......i wasn't really prepared, but i was quite mentally prepared since i'm sure retaining is exactly what i wanted....so i went to talked to the principal.....the principal really got my hopes up for retaining thats for sure....she said she will try to help, and that i should get permission from my parents and the support of the teachers..but she wanted it before the end of the day latest by tmr morning...........my entire plan to persuade my teachers before meeting the principal so that they'll back me up when the time comes.....but everything was brought forward, so i only had time to tell them what i wanted, and not why i wanted..............

when i got home......quarrelled with my parents...even though i know its entirely my fault.......

sigh......i don't know if its good or bad....but she was worried for me......its good because its nice to have somebody that cares, whether or not she would have done so for all her friends......however, its really bad......didn't want her to associate me with anything thats bad and problematic...i don't want to be an object of her sympathy....i didn't really try to hide, but showed that i was calm and 'happy'...........

i woke up today, feeling great.......like i was going to retain.....to me....the a lvls is the death sentence.............but as soon as i got to school, i begin to feel intense fear and anxiety.............it only got worst at 11am when i bump into mr koh....and he said that all the teachers were aginst my decision to retain...........from that point onwards,...my heart took the plunge.....it popped out and sunk, hanging like a ball and chain on the ground.....teared a bit during physics lecture.......but stopped............now what has overcomed me is the immense intense fear and anxiety...........and having to hold it in for the next 5 hours is the absolute worst experience....just couldn't stop thinking about it..............especially during gp, was beggining to breath heavy.....if i do not retain, i really will die....

after gp, i went to find mr lee.......and told him that i really needed this......kind of could not hold it in and was unleashing a bit of steam and fury......too emotional for any good..........after a while, we went to the general office and waited....................down there, i broke down.......i really was trying to hold it in the best i could, it felt like it was the end..............what was even more fucked up, was that the principal said it was not necessary to see me anymore because she already made up her mind that she will not retain me......ah, don't know what caused it.......would have to blame it on the teacher's 'confidence' in me.......that may possibly ruin me..........i let go......the mr lee was trying to calm me down and all......not sure who saw me...because i was outside the GO, and many ppl passed by.......whatever........thats it......i just have to face the a lvls..........

i went to the the toilet by lt4, and guess was there for quite a long time.....had to calm myself down before letting anyone see me in this state...........i think it was about 40 mins where i just paced from the toilet to the railings to see the handball match from above......had to take a 'chill pill' and my eyes were swollen............felt like crap.....half the time i was thinking about her for something to look forward to................well, at the end of it all, i think i'm ready to face the a lvls...............

now onwards, would have to concentrate on my studies entirely....everything else, unfortunately, will have to wait.....leave it all to God's hands............there is every reason to do well for my a lvls now.....and not only to get into a university.....but to come out a winner at the end of it, regain lost pride.......and for the one and only motivation that i have in life, that is all i need for reason..............

In 'Tsun Zi Bing Fa'........burn all bridges, leaving your only option which is to face the enemy........

Well, LES reminded me of a story which i think i heard before.....i rmbed it because i read it somewhere and made a whole lot of sense......... Not sure if it was roman or what........this guy sailed to the island....and burnt his boat because he knows that its either the castle that he shall conquer or die fighting......left with no choice but one............