Thoughts of a 'Man'

Just finished lying on my bed...i came to the comp, cause i felt i have something to say...as in type it here in the blog...As i lied on my bed, for half and hr(give and take about 5mins) from 725, all i was thinking was about her...most of it sad, as i was daydreaming about some scenario..its nothing unusual or anything...just thinking and thinking...its so hard...to live without her...one thing which i'm so lucky to have though, compared to all the couples in the school...for e.g, upon hearing about how relieved some felt when after their breakup of not having the person in the class so they can cope...and how some felt was unlucky to have that person in the same class as they are....in short, they hope not to see that special person when they cooled...well, i just felt how lucky i was to have her in the class...esp after the 'seperation'...i guess it really helped me deal with it, and now that i've cooled, and want to see her more now, its great that she's still there...what i want rite now,lol,smell taste hear see and feel her...as i thought in bed, i realised the stationary position i'm in...tears just came...and this feeling that i can't put in nice words or anything,in short, it just feels like hell....now i'm so sure i'm so weak, its like i'm out of control...
as i lied in bed, this person, an indonesian maid, which i use to see almost everyday in my life when i was in pri school...i went to my auntie's house everyday after school..never realised till today, it was almost 5 yrs seeing her everyday since pri 2...its not like she like a parent or something..she took care of me then...everyday...even though we couldn't communicate or anything...
today, she understood english better, and words which i tried to simplify but failed, she actually understood..and for once in a long time....the first person or i could hardly remember anyone else which i've seen so satisfied with life..its like she pratically enjoyed every moment of it...well, and she's still a maid working for my auntie..its like we complain about life all the time, and the ones we expect to whine the most actually enjoys life...i kind of felt all this when she was talking to my mother in the living room, and i was still lying in my bed(lazy to stand) just listening..she spoke with such zest...esp when my mom asked her something about her future..(my mom wasn't that great in english, she sucked..i could hardly understand...)...she replied with such certainty and zest that she was going to work for 10 more yrs and when she has saved enough, to return to her home(somewhere in indonesia i guess)...if given to me or to most ppl, the probably don't know or took a long time putting it to considereration...i know given that she is an adult and everything that most adults usually have a sense of direction, like most parents which are successful and probably even my parents(father) who work just to have something to do...it just bothers me that there are so many ppl with empty lives including myself and probably many many ppl that i know...its so uncommon to find ppl with such direction....
well i might be like overreacting, as that is just how adults are, plan for midlife as thats whats remaining of it.....compared to teenagers like us....somehow its cruel that we are all going to grow up to live plain and boring lives...

sigh....how hard it always feels to be thinking about future...esp when we are old...

whatever, i'm just glad i saw someone who took care of me...feels like going back to pri school to visit you pri teacher kind of thing...

also, realising that though it has been four yrs, it felt 'just like that'...then to think about how much i've change as a person and that how the people around you have changed...four yrs its such a long time...i feel that i'm so fast ahead of myself, i can hardly keep up with myself...

well looking back to ze present, i wish i could have her back in my life somehow...i don't know whats with this sudden obsession(starting from mid of last week)...can't be bothered with all the theories i have...all the dreams and feelings of loneliness are getting back to me...its really funny how a simple "K.. Good night!" after so long can make you feel...I know it simply means nothing(you start wondring if the exclamtion mark implies anything, if she is really happy to say it, or just something she usually does..)..but its so hard to accept that it means nothing..lol...after receiving it, you just get that feeling of warmth and comfort all over, that tingling all over your face and near your heart...

one other thing i realised, the first msg she sent, bore such great resemblance to the style of writing i have, or something that i would put in an sms if i was in her shoes...but one thing though, its just that anyone can type a similar sms my style...its like kind of default style, of using the T9 dictionary...lol...but if i remembered correctly, she doesn't do that..but if i'm rite, she is probably using a new phone, with none of her trademark vocabulary in it, thus resulting in the 'nothing-unique' kind of msg...haha...i just realise how stupid i am to analyse a msg to such a great depth...and typing all about it here makes me all the more stupid....

-2101