Thoughts of a 'Man'

Katy Perry - Thinking of You

2009-10-04T12:13:00.002+08:00

DELETION

2008-12-29T01:31:00.003+08:00

i was thinking of deleting this blog right here right now.....

i'm kinda feeling self-destructive now....for who knows what reason...i guess the music playing on my computer now is not resonating according to how i'm feeling right now.........

anyway, let this be a test then..........

I SHALL DELETE THIS BLOG ON the last day of this year.....marking the end of this pathetic existence...............

"Self-improvement is masturbation. Now, self-destruction …"

Can i bear to wipe away 4 years worth of memory. the pain, the tears, the fufillments, the struggling gasps, the wails of triumph............................

if i could, i would have probably already pressed that button.....

as much as i hate myself, could i bear to let myself go.........clingy emotional attachments................

if only there was one way to bury this deep somewhere so i will never see it again, but still know its out there.............i do not wish to carry this habit with me till i grow old........

WHAT I REALLY NEED NOW, is PICK UP THE GUITAR, PICK UP THE GIRLS..................

if deleting this hurts.........let it be a lesson to me.......let it be so i will not repeat the last 20 years over the next 20.................

i can't help it but be so negative....and i can't prevent others from seeing this side

Humans and the Replication Agenda

2008-12-28T16:32:00.004+08:00

The dance floor is a trap.

TO BE CONTINUED

-------------------------------------

I often ask, challenge myself.......Would i let mediocrity get in my way, form a mist that clouds my vision.............i've used this analogy before, of a fish in a fish bowl...............of the frog in the well....why be satisfied with only the things that you have? satisfaction will not bring happiness.............at the point of satisfaction, is where depression lies.......the battles i fight everyday, the unhappiness, the unsatisfaction.......the pilgrimage towards that which is elusive, being conscious of the fact that life now is mediocre........

enough of the above being said, no wonder no one reads my blog, its a pain in the ass.....emitting negative energies only pushes others away.........mine is a cry of desperation for attention..........

something everyone will understand...............because we are all ONLY HUMAN...

I FEEL LIKE DELETING THIS WHOLE DAMN BLOG.....I WANT TO GET RID OF THIS PART.........literally, but my conscious mind is telling me not to.............................all these years of amassed emotional self-expression of the human condition................i want to deny this part of existence

Sedated.

2008-12-28T15:08:00.002+08:00

i just woke up awhile ago, 1443.........

it felt as if i have been sleeping thru the past few days....i kinda feel trapped.....i was falling into nothingness while the whole world was passing by before my eyes.......as i try to swim my way up its not like the world has seemed to stop.

i realised my pattern of blasting music on my computer..........its in my instinctive nature to do so wherenever i need to be knocked in the head with a coconut, so i can get up again and be productive..........

just a short diversion, this new song that i've put up....i've been listening to for the past 4 years.....
its just one of the many good songs that this band, Asian Kung-Fu Generation has produced. i think in terms of music, style or whatever, every song of theirs is catchy and a definite hit....something probably most musicians want to do, but put it off using the excuse of playing sad songs.... and i don't even know how big this band is in japan or around the world, i'll never know if they are the biggest band in the world at this moment, simply because there is no statistical way of ever finding out....... anyway, i thought this song was a good slap to my face...cause it has relieved my hangover(metaphorically) nicely to face challenges again tonight.......

well..............i learnt so many things the past few days though, that i could not possibly have wrote it all down here....but it would definitely make good bedtime stories...............i've got to constantly remind myself of them.........

Insecurities and emotion are constantly being communicated through our facial expressions and body language, i've never realise it was so easily read...esp when you see ppl being affected stongly.........i guess i've revealed myself this way countless of times before....our minds are actually so sensitive and socially intelligent towards all this cues.............even silence is communicating so much...

And i was wrestled into submission with this words. "Ha ha ha, Sargent, why are we suddenly talking about this? we were talking about something else, then suddenly came to this. You very random."
i don't know if you got the msg.....but i was trying to dominate the conversation, set a frame,grip their emotions. but maybe i was too obvious, or they too were so aware in detecting this...that they kicked me where i was vulnerable

WELCOME TO M Y WORLD

2008-12-26T00:37:00.002+08:00

this blog will undergo a very big restructing in terms of content.....

i've briefly got an idea....oh well....but shall not post anything up today.........

FOR ALL YOU HATERS OUT THERE... :)

i see a massive shift in the alignment of the stars.............

CRASH AND BURN AND CRASH AND BURN AND CRASH AND BURN AND CRASH AND BURN

2008-12-08T01:37:00.002+08:00

black hole sun, won't you come, wash away the rain

as cryptic, nihilistic, ridiculous i may get...........................

today i've felt that i've made that effort...........really hard goals that i'm striving for, myself stuck to glue of dread, lethargy.......................i yearn for that change.....i guess everyone who reads this will know what i mean....

this is from the bottom of my heart......life puts you down.......to suceed, things have to seem unreachable.......... fear will pull you in circles...........

i could not explain my mood today.....months of self-exploration has revolutionised my systems........i felt like shit today, had 3 hours of sleep last night, came back slept a while more........the mental barriers never shifted, it still remains..............but reactionarily, i ignored all that and kept walking........never deny your desperate grasp for existence.........

some of you might have played it safe all your life.............some of you got it some of you don't.......many do not........some of you do try, but still within limits and comfort...............simply put, relying on friends, rolling in groups, not realising you've place an entire life, a bet in the hands of others....................in the words of mark renton, "never let your friends tie you to the tracks"

i don't know how slow all this is going to be...........how long i'll have to plough through this desert with a plethora of random beings...........tie bang mo chen zhen, grinding metal rod into needle.......i've felt that higher order of emotion today.....not the usual ones, not pain hunger fear or excitement....not happiness sadness anger or curiosity..................more like revelatory kind of emotion...............mind discovers something new, rewires your circuits....not like this was the first time...but it still feels great...........its part and parcel of what i'm going thru.......

how many degrees of change occured today...probably minimal.....................

i look to tomorrow for that courage.....it better be a whopping amount.........i've overrode my insecurities many many times.....but never to that extent that i'm expecting.............................

i am living in hell.....harbouring a fact......denying instant gratification, denying hedonism, denying escapism, burning my bridges and my boats...............................accepting pain, accepting responsibilities, demanding standards................

to be inhuman for the sake of survival.........

................................................................................................this is a bad post............even blogging to me is an addiction....

i kind of have some stories to tell.............but...got no time to waste.

??????CHANGE?!

2008-12-04T23:47:00.002+08:00

omg......what if you woken up one day, barely opening your eyes...you enter the bathroom basin to wash your face, look into the mirror and realise..................

a entirely different person that you've never ever seen is staring back at you.......

that person is you, but... you try your very best, stare in deep and hard into those eyes

he has the same eyes, hair, mole, features as you have every other day, but for some reason, it just doesn't seem like the usual, well....you.

you've never seen yourself in this way before, out of all the times you've stared at yourself thru the mirror for the past 19 years, this is the first time you feel as if , you're viewing yourself in a different light, a different set of emotions seeps in that is different from before..........

you but not you....

i don't know how i can explain this.....the best example i can think of is this...

Something Inside Has Died

2008-11-30T12:36:00.003+08:00

=D
=D
=D
=D
=D
=D
=D
=D
=D
=D

My Sophie Marceau

2008-11-28T23:33:00.003+08:00

this will be a short stop......and an urgent milestone event in life...when i've decided to relieve all past experiences and trust in the name of experiment....

this is of no importance, and i expect no outcome....its time to do something which i do not usually do.....

i know of this girl, who eats an entire apple. literally. except the seeds and stem and 'asscrack?' of the apple.....its weird...i know....and the faces of ppl when they hear of it....they raise their eyes brows so high....and their big bright eyes opens so wide, not really to look at anything...but to depiece the piece of information that theyve just heard...

i went for the green apple....green apples,....shiny and they look plastic..i bit thru the crunchy flesh that composites an apple.....holding it between the 2 'asscracks' with my left thumb middle and ring finger....spinning it with my index at every bite....

*snap*, i'm done.......it was less than a min that i begin to react by wanting to put that apple down...sad, but its no longer desirable...a marriage that has failed to work, depleted and worned out......i told myself, i'm gonna eat the entire apple, just like that girl...if i do this, i would have done what 99.9% of the modern world's population has failed to see....life's short, at least i've done it before.....

imagine a fat plump man reduced to bones...that was the state of my apple...and i was not going to leave any of that lying around.....my friends saw what i was doing...."You can't be serious!"....hahahaha....i said.."whats with the big commotion, whats wrong? i'm just tinkering with my surroundings"

NO....i did not sink my teeth into it upon my self pep-talks in my mind.....i merely took mini bits of the remaining core milimeter by milimeter.....theres that boundary within my mind that prevents people from doing STUPID THINGS, and think of something useful instead.....my friends decided to cheer me on.....their movements, that tension and energy building up within them that you could tell from their movements.....they're beggining to realise that they are witnessing a grand event unfolding before their eyes....

immediately, i broke the core into 2 .....and took the entire half into my mouth.........spat the seeds out.....i was holding the other half by the stem....i lifted it up above my nose....the final hurdle before my job is complete....i tilted my neck up and placed it into my mouth like a cherry, tugging at the stem to pull it out.............

well, that wasn't so bad.........that REALLY ISN"T SO BAD!...........

what a great lesson learnt...i've conquered dark alleys like that before just for the adrenaline, just for the human experience.............

well, here, the caveman does, a stone thrown from the clearing outside, into a cave...plunged into darkness....

i'm that stone..

7 months has passed, and its back to the drawing boards...

2008-11-15T14:27:00.002+08:00

i'm ever-increasingly closer to the dead line, time will not standstill, time waits for no man!

all this time of acquiring knowledge, its what my mind has been running on for the past 7 months...i've been nourishing myself with such nutrition, but my physical state has not strayed one bit closer to ideal...........................

sure i've learn somethings, managed to lay control over certain aspects, heightened awareness.....

but again and again, it boils back down to the same thing.....i keep coming back in circles to the same problem...........FEAR

i have eradicated all limiting beliefs that constricts my consciousness.....fear holds my ability hostage....its probably the hardest fight i'll ever have fighting against the odds... more than 90% of the mind controls all subconscious functions....while only a measly 10% we have control over..... well, i hope this urge, this subconscious urge, is raising a revolt against itself.......

We are evolutionarily designed to live amongst a society of people which no longer exist.............fear has absolutely no relevance and context in modern world..........even in sparta...watched it months ago....way back....my FEAR must evolve into EXCITEMENT....my mind has to read it that way.....

why are humans so self-aware, selfish and yet feel so puny standing in front of other human beings.....

recalibrate

Perfecting frame control.

2008-11-09T17:04:00.004+08:00

consider this

I will no longer never ever make a point again. This being the last point i make.

how ironic.

This guy, or more like many guys that i've meet.....they use technical words, jargons that nobody understands....to communicate their exclusive social membership.....

ah lian, emo, rocker, artist, stylist, i'm a guitarist, i'm a drummer, i come from rjc, potm, sk....

i'm sorry, my auntie just entered the house and her prescence, her loud irritating i-am-the-boss voice, infringes on my train of thought..

how come the thought of mp3 players invariably leads to ipod? the thought of fastfood leads to macdonalds?...why do they dominate society, over all other brands.....

i was walking down paragon and ngee ann city, and all the high fashion names that i pass by......every entrance is marked by tall glass doors, glittery shiny metallic glossy poles, pillars, and frames......all synonymous, with no single label that struck at at my heart, yielding me to go in.........they need to review their marketing strategy.....

i've been getting tired of explanation lately....so i will not go into anything longwinded.....i 've been having all these conversations with ppl....sometimes when it comes to trying to elaborate something, i become too wordy, too wishywashy....trying to convince them to reassure that my beliefs are true........the assurance that evangelists get when they've manage to convert somebody.................it had brought up some negative emotions amongst the interaction, and i'm calibrated to avoid it..............

too many ppl try too hard, to try an convince ppl to perceive them in a certain way.......i see many tattoos and cigarettes in camp........and not all of them that surround themselves with tattoos and cigarettes are the persons that they try to get across...........girls fill up their profiles with full of irrelevant pictures, statements, aligning themselves with ppl in this sick delvaluing fetish....what are they trying to prove?

apple never claim its products to be stylish...........

'haha' to state a point but defuse its offense.....a 'haha' is returned to submit to that frame.

Laughter is a form of social submission. Laughter is built-up tension being released.

... ...

Too many ideas for this space here...

2008-11-08T00:37:00.002+08:00

this week, mind-baffling.....i foresee the next couple of days to be the same as i aim to keep up the tempo of self-discovery, self improvement, thru self-destruction................................

this week, my brain is truly messed up with the world around me flushed into it........

i don't know where to begin and i kind of do not have the time to properly reflect(is this a blessing?) even now....

now, where do i begin......its ironic because...i don't really have to have any material to produce, anything concrete to give, for all i want you guys who are reading this to purely feel for what i'm going through now........

everyday is a discovery of something new....even if it means that i got slapped in the face on the way....i get angsty, but the higher order part of my mind seem to be ignorant, impassive(how weird rite? impassive and passive means the same thing.....how opposite things actually mean the same process...more later) to the emotions driving my behaviors and reactions......i would do something, and right at that moment i would question myself on that baseless stupid action that i just did..........like leaning in.......

awareness is the right word....to be aware of practically everything thats happening around and WITHIN you.............is that good?...bad maybe, but definitely useful....why would anyone scrutinise every little thing that he himself does, from where he places his hands to how he moves his eyes..........to lock a consciousness to the subconscious.........i wonder if the subconscious exist within anymore, or it has moved to a whole new ground, elevated to somewhere which i need it................

the ugly side of ppl...their desire to fit in the rest of the world, as if everything they do will warrant opinions from others...like they care...we simply exist within us, so pathetically, TRAPPED.....................self-worth...............how much is your frame worth in contrast to others?
but all we want is to be free.....to be free of others judgement...instead we punish ourselves first by puttin ourselves through out own judgement..............

have i said how much i've understood the phrase, so cliche, repeated time and time again in kung fu movies..."you are your worst enemy"....

when i first heard it which i could not remember when, probably from raiden in mortal kombat or something...............it sounds freaking lame, i just could not recognise where it was coming from..........

until i realise concepts such as insecurities and demons within ppl........fear, that at the face of every challenge, that it is not the difficulty of overcoming it, but the reluctance of facing it....

ppl seeking liberation and perfection trap themselves within the 'rat race' for the neverending quest of accumulating wealth, hedonism, affluence..........that this is to truly be free???.....freewill comes at the expense of others judgement of you which you just cannot avoid.....wherenever you do something which is unpopular....everyone WILL shoot you down, this is not a consequence but a transition.....if you ever Stand up for yourself, despite all the negative pressure and manage to succeed, nobody will ever open their blardy mouths to bite at you again...

remember life is merely 28,251 days of time......you are watching yourself die every minute.........why the fuck is your heart beating, if you were meant to wait it out.....(excuse the pep talk to myself, i guess i need it).........

i speak enthusiastically to everyone around me, but i barely got the will to push myself..........for that i've been feeling unrelentlessly sorry for myself.......................

go carry out that dream every step of the way....

Thanks pretty, for letting me see that ugly side......*sadistic laughter*...........i'm now convinced, that weakness lies where it seems to be the strongest like bullies bully as they are bullied, mockers mock as they are mocked............

Flash Games.

2008-11-01T14:42:00.002+08:00

well, it is important that the things we say have situational relevance....but there are millions of ppl out there....you can never address the entire world.....but merely target a select group...a select insecurity

i am addressing humanity(excluding the african tribes)....that goes out to all of you that has access to electricity, to computers, to the Internet.

with the passing of friendster and the oncoming onslaught of facebook(which i've yet to patronise), with it comes with whole new ways to express your individuality....walls, superwalls, pokes, superpokes, applications games.............to be direct....whole new level of flash game.......

the underlying concept, flash game is a tool to develop social proof, but if misused creates negative social proof....

there are the ppl that get it and the ppl who don't...i use to think that girls get it because of their advanced emotional intelligence..........but to measure value for value, rule for rule against guys....limits the truth....

maybe they're adept in real-time social situations....

but

oh well...its 3 o clock.............to be continued...

Super Mario and the suicidal lemmings.

2008-10-25T09:44:00.002+08:00

(everything copied from wikipedia, get more info here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lemmings)

humans are such animals.........

"Lemmings do not hibernate through the harsh northern winter. They remain active, finding food by burrowing through the snow and utilising grasses clipped and stored in advance. They are solitary animals by nature, meeting only to mate and then going their separate ways, but like all rodents they have a high reproductive rate and can breed rapidly in good seasons.

The behaviour of lemmings is much the same as that of many other rodents which have periodic population booms and then disperse in all directions, seeking the food and shelter that their natural habitat cannot provide. Lemmings of northern Norway are one of the few vertebrates who reproduce so quickly that their population fluctuations are chaotic,[1] rather than following linear growth to a carrying capacity or regular oscillations. It is unknown why lemming populations fluctuate with such variance roughly every four years, before plummeting to near extinction.[2]

Myths

Misconceptions about lemmings go back many centuries. In the 1530s, the geographer Zeigler of Strasbourg proposed the theory that the creatures fell out of the sky during stormy weather (also featured in the folklore of the Inupiat/Yupik at Norton Sound), and then died suddenly when the grass grew in spring.[4] This was refuted by the natural historian Ole Worm, who first published dissections of a lemming, and showed that lemmings are anatomically similar to most other rodents.[citation needed]

A drowned lemming on a stone in a Norwegian river---->

While many people believe that lemmings commit mass suicide when they migrate, this is not the case. Driven by strong biological urges, they will migrate in large groups when population density becomes too great. Lemmings can and do swim and may choose to cross a body of water in search of a new habitat[5]. On occasion, and particularly in the case of the Norway lemmings in Scandinavia, large migrating groups will reach a cliff overlooking the ocean. They will stop until the urge to press on causes them to jump off the cliff and start swimming, sometimes to exhaustion and death. Lemmings are also often pushed into the sea as more and more lemmings arrive at the shore. [6]

The myth of lemming mass suicide is long-standing and has been popularized by a number of factors. In 1955, Carl Barks drew an Uncle Scrooge adventure comic with the title "The Lemming with the Locket". This comic, which was inspired by a 1954 National Geographic article, showed massive numbers of lemmings jumping over Norwegian cliffs.[7] Even more influential was the 1958 Disney film White Wilderness in which footage was shown that seems to show the mass suicide of lemmings. The film won an Academy Award for Documentary Feature.[8]

Due to their association with this odd behaviour, lemming suicide is a frequently-used metaphor in reference to people who go along unquestioningly with popular opinion, with potentially dangerous or fatal consequences. This is the theme of the video game Lemmings, where the player attempts to save the mindlessly marching rodents from walking to their deaths."

Just take a moment to ponder, like dogs, cats, chimpanzees, penguins, tigers, lion, elephants....humans have such similar behaviors...driven by "biological urges" in everything that we do....

To say that humanity has emotions, imagination, logic....is a cliche......these amount to nothing as they are probably part of the "biological urges" or the result of it...........

biological machines of a age-old programming so similar to artificial intelligence....i guess besides the people who play a lot of computer games, you probably don't have a familiar concept of artificial intelligence besides what you've been reading in articles...........

i say this, because in order to understand AI beyond the literal, its about experiencing it, sort of having a "conversation" with the computer....you do it by playing a computer game...whether the AI is a simple or complicated one, its the same.............all your actions will indefinitely result in reactions....depending on your input, simplified by binary codes, its a either a 0 or 1, off or on...if you spend time playing a game, strategy perhaps, long enough...you end up knowing all the moves that the computer will make

the computer, a mechanised organised system of programming, is purely a replication of the human brain and central nervous system....if you type on the keyboard...your actions are read by the CPU...the CPU communicates to its organs such as the monitor some digital gibberish, before displaying what you want for it to display....by typing "Asshole", you elicit a response from the computer, which is to display the word "Asshole"(once again demonstrated here... xD)

basic human programming, if you tickle your friend, she'll giggle.....if you pinch him, he'll cringe.........emotions that you cannot avoid.........especially if you are being caught off guard....if someone burns your ass from behind, you still scream in pain and run, totally instinctively, a reflex that does not require conscious registration of it...

i'll catch up to speed here.............humans can have a range of emotions over the same action that is communicated by someone else rite? these range of emotions(reaction) are probably communicated by a set external factors(to actions).....

i've cut off all these sentences midway.....i guess i'll go into a neverending explanation if i do not stop....maybe you can complete the idea that i was trying to express yourself.....

go read up on perception and awareness.........

by now, you may or may not noticed, this neverending quest of knowledge since i was a foetus(learning to move my fingers and toes, activating my lungs...in the placenta), theres nothing that seperates me from an animal seeking everday answers to improves his chances of survival........

if you interact with ppl long enough, analyse your actions and their reactions...you could plan all your moves like the pieces on a chessboard.........its like the computer.....input an action....through whatever is picked up by the targets sensory awareness, emotions are elicited, out comes a reaction........that action that you input must control a large range of factors in order to elicit a specific emotion for a resulting reaction.

but even to cultivate a mental state, headspace conducive for some analysis is difficult....why can't we analyse humans thru interaction like analysing the moves that the computer is going to make to retaliate against your attack.....probably due to the lack of focus and concentration during a social interaction....we are constantly lost in our own thoughts and emotions to pick up these signals.........our emotions control our actions and our reactions to others.....if we are not being proactive by performing these actions, we are only being reactive to the actions or reactions of others...so 2 ppl can be endlessly lost in each others reactions....and depending on luck, what each person says out of reaction may elicit a reaction which elicits reactions.....in an endless cycle....depending on randomness, they decide to themselves whether they get along well with each other...that gut feeling, "chemistry"........

maybe one must put in the conscious effort to control your action regardless of your emotions and reactions initially........to elicit the desired emotions and reactions from the other person....

another way would be to calibrate your own emotions to others...by adjusting yourself to feel the right emotion, right reaction when the other inputs..................................................................like a drug, a bar, a place that humans inevitably go to whenever "biological urges" by our motivational systems.....by hormones maybe...dopamine, endorphines, oxytoxins, aphrodisiacs, whatever....

just a brief reflection of the things going on in mind lately.............well....many of the posts this entire year to understand myself, entire blog....are actions reactions urges and such.....................i could use my knowledge i have now to analyse my past words and reactions.......thru my blog.....

we're all the same, from ahlians to bimbos to myself....i'll share my events and feelings these 2 days for real this time.....

last week i focused on my inner programming, by throwing caution to the wind(read prev post)...sometimes cautions(good) and insecurities(bad) are the same thing........its hard to argue which it is...so when you want to abandon your insecurites....you have to throw both out the window....

to feed my inner, i had the desperation/motivation(same rite?), to practise my outer communications, subcommunications whatever.....i could choose strangers really....due to stupid me seeking excuses and avoidance, i looked to my friends........

i threw out a fishing line....the specific bait, targeting at their reward systems, you can use a worm or a shrimp....i should have used both...but i used the worm i guess which reels in the marjority of fishes....

i reached the hooked point with many of them......except one though which i failed...i wondered what was the flaw in my bait...i suspected something, and the truth which i discovered today, was exact...along the same lines...i told myself...."oh dear, i should have used the shrimp..."....or the fish is hooked to another fishing line..........

anyway, i was seeking all sorts of material...even misread and tried something..but today i understood that i left out a factor maybe out of denial, or maybe because i saw lowly of others.......

the engagement is short but communicates a lot.......within spotting the target and obstacle,reactivity,interestingly,(i was excited that i calibrated my reactive proaction behavior,kudos to me!) my mind launched itself to fight or flight mode...so it was fight, i entered. even though it was reactive, my conscious mind tried bein proactive and my subconscious followed suit, itself probably knowing that its the only thing up my sleeves to increase my survival chances......i was happy....that my emotions drove me to try and take control instead of shy away....thats a first step........but disappointingly, i lack practise in such situations which i need more of...........i reached into the depths of my pockets hoping to pull some magic dust or something but i didn't have any..i wasn't armed with the skills yet.....

i acknowledge the obstacle but i couldn't disarm...never done it before...in the end, i was cock blocked...the target's intuition was 100% on the dot..........i submit, i resort to evasive tactics and am happy that my limbs are intact.........

although the laws in todays society protects us from being brutally murdered, it doesn't change the fact that we were evolutionised to survive and thrive in a world million years ago that is extinct....today, a new set of rules govern our society...we can no longer trust our survival instincts on this struggle with our futuristic surroundings...we are no different from cavemen children...

a feeling of loss hits me, obviously, any outsider would feel when they try to enter a pride of lions, the king of the pride would kick you out from leeching off them unless you had something to contribute....like last week as well...i'm good with these emotions, it drives me further on my quest...

and the deal with the lemmings? i feel that there is so much that we can learn from their behaviors....simply not hibernating in winter like most animals would...solitary animals seeking personal gains...mate and seperate....and that part which says..."They will stop until the urge to press on causes them to jump off the cliff and start swimming, sometimes to exhaustion and death." they weren't try to commit suicide....they were migrating, seeking to fufil their destinies..and when that moment comes when they had to choose to give up their purpose or press on even with the risk of death........they take the plunge.

and i haven't got a chance to watch the march of the penguins...

Emotions speak

2008-10-18T03:12:00.002+08:00

i dont know how to begin this...i can't really think on a straight mind.............i'm really tired....

it all started over the idea of overprotection......it was my means of getting out of that neverending threat by avoiding the snake that never existed...

shall not go into the twaddle of things........

i tried something different today, and i'm happy for that...no regrets..........though i've failed, it was a learning point, a realisation that i'm still at the bottom of society.....

these are attempts of survival in the real world.....

i tried to be professional by running all the shit that i can think off(though i know not of many)....and none of them hit.........NONE of them hit....

5 things that i need to force upon myself..............

in front of those ppl, i was ignorant...but i wasn't self-conscious, enlightened by the fact that i will never ever see them again in my lifetime.........

i knew my failure, i knew it was all fake...but in the end i gave in, stop racking my brains and all and chose the easy way.........it was beyond me at that point, unable to navigate each levels properly...

giving up wasn't easy........giving up was definitely a hard slap on the face........it was like choosing fast food macdonalds over fine-dining.....accepting simulated responses over intention.............

whats most important today, was my failure, emphasising the need to learn and practice and work harder....i made a promise, i swore to a stranger today that i will become a different person that no one will recognise..........she was indifferent about it, saying that it wouldn't happen.........

i'm not about to give up like she did..................

i made a promise, i swore to a stranger today that i will become a different person that no one will recognise......................

It felt great

2008-10-04T23:12:00.004+08:00

there are rewards at every corner if you bother to dig deep enough.....

just a quick post..

it graet to see how the forces of attraction work....resulting in the alignments.....and why a women will never do the approach........maybe i'm wrong but.................................

it was quite overwhelming....and i do seem a little needy, lowering myself in the eyes of others....................

good experience good calibration.....didn't start any routines.......i don't know why......with friends you have no self-conciousness at all..with strangers....there is a tiny weeny bit...but when it comes to relatives.....though they mean nothing to your survival and will probably not affect you in anyway, maybe because i was a junior the way i see myself(which got them to see me that way to), i did not take the dive......

not me, my parents rep was at stake.....................

for axing out anxiety and stepping out to interact....i give myself
2 out of 5 stars....deserving a D grade..........

(i should start to grade myself from now on.....now all of a sudden, i'm for the grading system.....)
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i shall do a small description on the bounce...

one of them did a bounce.....well, it wasn't sucessful i guess..............and i saw why.......they wanted to, but they had no reason to.........

lack of rapport=lack of comfort=lack of pD=negative emotional response=decision leading to negative outcome.

i saw it in pixie.....she saw that piece of dried peach, laying on that ground right in front of her...but when she couldn't get it..........that emotional response that was elicited from her...she couldn't help herself...but tremble and shiver for a moment....her concious mind was in a battle against her subconsious...she was saying no to herself, but she was in noway in control of her desire...attraction is not a choice..........she started growling at it................go...i mumbled the words "Get It"....her agony was lifted...........

how i could make her do absolutely anything..............just for that piece of something which she doesn't even need............how that mental manipulation could be use on humans...its dangerous..... though we are logical human beings..........it takes more than courage.....more than anything to walk away from what you're attracted to............

stories of how girls are able make guys do absolutely anything simply by teasing them with sex.........movies of espionage.....james bond....wow..

anyway, the reason why the bounce failed though i didn't initiate it....was that....there wasn't even any comfort built......the reason they were hesitant was because of attraction....but they couldn't say yes to such a proposition.........cos they had no reason to....not like they felt that they had no reason to....just that the mind, subconsciously had not ticked that point off the checklist yet.........if they agreed...they would have been responsible for their actions, which ppl are naturally inclined to do....

they couldn't help with flash and prox, and i couldn't help it with my inate sense that they're into me......................wtf rite.........primed by years of fascinating evolutionary psychology........

to be different would be to think out of my circuit.....the willingness to walk away.............communicates the idea that you have something better....that what is currently offered is not even important to you......thanks pixie for showing me this.......for being my stupid lab rat..

i hate to believe this...but it seems things are indeed black and white...........

The sooner you press that reset button, the sooner your character comes back to life..

2008-10-04T01:33:00.002+08:00

i gotta rush to sleep.......tmr will be a long day.....................too much external influences that are within my control reeling their evil cluthes at my throat..............

being the emotional person that i am.....i tried, and i guess i managed to throw my emotions aside this time....maybe it was supressed or something...i hope not....my days are counting down...life is a ticking time bomb....

these repressive depressive emotions stalling me.........people throw that heart of yours away, find a new one....time happens to be the factor....if i had time...i would have taken all my time just to chase that one ball........

we have no time.....go after all the balls..........they're so many shiny objects anyway....gotta start on the tough ones first....practise practise,and its like "gone in sixty seconds"......any thing you desire with the snap of a finger.......

to be honest....i've realised i've got a living specimen right in front of me........one that has been socialised by a million unsolicited engagements....its an honour to have slicced myself a piece of the pie after so many have tried and failed....everyone tries that fool's mate....

i fancy a challenge...

Even the wise man delves in a fool's paradise

2008-10-01T11:07:00.003+08:00

I shall take this little window of opportunity to blog down these little thoughts....not that i have to...........i've.......................

i'm sorry...but i guess i'll just leave you with so much........just realised how urgent my objectives are....so i gotta go accomplish those.......

might as well not publish this...but well....what the heck.
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people....you're all spastic.... sometimes it comes to me easy, sometimes it comes to me hard.....to express myself....maybe i just have nothing to say.......

The story from 'Catch Me If You Can'

2008-09-21T19:39:00.003+08:00

A pair of mice fell into a bucket of cream and with nothing to hold onto, they struggled but could not get out. The first of the mice soon gave up and drowned. The second mouse kept struggling, churned the cream into butter and crawled its way out.

I am that second mouse!

something i rmbered from the movie.....must have been at least a year since i last saw it...but that story made so much sense...........

today was one of the rarer moments that i've actually given up....well, i guess i'm going to make use of what little i have to some use.............

always i would pull myself out of bed....albeit reluctantly, i would take sometime for myself to warm up then open that door, step out of the house and start something new...........................each and every single day.........despite our minds nature to deceive us, making us feel as if that each and every day of our lives feels the same, that tomorrow would be no different from two days before the day after tomorrow, that its merely a blind routine.............it isn't..............

we must constantly use our two hands to shape the events of the present.....if it feels the same as any other day, its because we are allowing it to happen..................................

i don't wanna go into all these mind baffling bullshit....i constantly tell myself that these ideas in my head are my minds defensive mechanisms to enrich, interest, simulate itself when i'm not allowing the environments, surroundings and everything beyond my control to simulate it instead.......

BLOGGING IS MENTAL MASTURBATION...........NOW GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time for some real intercourse..........i'm getting out of the house..............trim my hair, take a stroll, chat up some strangers, get a coffee, come back...............watch some videos, get ready for tmr instead(today is down the drain)....and sleep early tonight..................its back to work tmr!(how pathetic and hard i'm trying to hype myself up)

Better than living life through rose-tinted glasses

2008-09-20T12:41:00.004+08:00

"Singapore is a little piece of heaven on earth." We all soooooo like to think........

hardly a microcosmic microcosm i say..................

On the night of the flight, all i thought to myself was....."finally being unleashed to the ocean after years of being in a fish bowl."

i was excited, finally a trip alone, away from "loved ones close ones"(which i'm more than familiar with, part of my contempt with life).............. i didn't WANT anybody to send me off at the airport...maybe i hated the formalities...but really, i knew this is it, gotta get use to this. its the first step, how i want my life to be......maybe its VBS, maybe it was that encounter on the MRT with that angmoh, simmered in after watching the beach and a french film called C.R.A.Z.Y or maybe it was there all along....its not that i can't stand it here.......it just isn't enough....

Life is too simple here, there is nothing to expect, no choices to make, nothing look for, nothing to hope for, nothing to disappoint....................

That night, i thought i would be slaughtered by great white sharks.......

Well, the truth is, it isnt as bad as it is, how the media puts it.......in fact, i was met with

Friendly Dolphins and Super Whales

A bottle of mineral water costs(converted to SGD) $0.90, coca cola $0.80, and smirnoff vodka of the same quantity $1.10

Cigarettes in boxes with ugly disgusting images costs >$10.70 . Cigarettes in boxes that says "Smoking Kills" or nothing at all costs $1.70(boxes of ten $17).................now we know how much it costs to hunt down those specimens of festering lungs with adobe photoshop...

its not about the....unhealthy indulgence(choice of bad words)......its about choosing for ourselves....liberty and freedom...............

Out of 10 girls, 1 is ugly...........well, you rarely chance upon one..........down here, ppl have the same expensive prom hair all year round...various styles and stereotypes there are appreciated not murdered............................everyones happy friendly and beautiful...not narcisstic like singaporeans that strut around pouting their lips.........

its very clean there, though there are no dustbins....one will grow to love the big messy bustling streets..............peace seeks you in the weirdest of places..........ppl cover their mouths with masks if they're ill...and they all keep to the right on escalators in one long extended line.........something krist noveselic would be proud of....................................both new and old are embraced.................................

its getting nowhere..............i'm just depressed that i'm back...........................

let the song show you just how i've felt for the past weeks........

opened up my eyes...found myself something to do..found a dream worth fighting for....something to fill the hole

away from sad old repressed singapore....heaven, safe and comfortable.............hell truly turns me on................

BRB

2008-08-29T21:18:00.000+08:00

enough time to say... sayonara

Check In

2008-08-24T14:32:00.002+08:00

...............enjoyed this weekend tremendously...i wish i could tell everything but time is again the issue...........won't waste it over here..........

Dreams condenses to reality.....................

Literal

2008-08-17T20:27:00.004+08:00

a thousand 'what ifs' cloud my head.............no amount of sub-communication is enough if you cannot reach inside you to pull that voice out...........

sounds familiar?.................i'm just too familiar with it..........

Anthony Robbins says to focus on the solutions not the problems.
not why is this happening??...but what else is not perfect?.

i have to etch this deeply into my head.........every encounter is a lesson......internalisation....
i have to remember this 'pseudo-disappointment' cos.....it'll be a scar to remind me of the pain.....

i'm watching table tennis finals right now...it so obvious that its not a battle of opponents but a battle of selves..........the one that can contain the anxiety and draw 'muscle memory', the years of practise, within the expanse brain to surface.........all MENTAL

I DECLARE MYSELF A ROBOT

Proximity proximity proximity all day.........

i'm gonna say it all here.......well, everyone has their moments.......PROOF...throw away my self-consciousness.......

The day was long gone. I had spend it entirely under the sun in search of something shiny. Well i had given up the sunday, given up the weekend. This had been another fruitless week. Some sort of semi-contendedness has made its way into my head and i was glad how things had turned or not turned out. Lines and themes of the movie 'The Beach' filled my head constantly. Partly due to the previous night as well. I see so many people just whiling their time away, sitting somewhere, relaxing, playing PSPs, studying. Yes it was really comfortable. I was so tempted to do the same. People hoping for that magical moment to arise, the opportunity to knock on their door. It just doesn't happen in reality. We There was a charity concert blaring away loudly just a level down. I thought of getting a coffee and just lie away the afternoon on one of the outdoor couches facing the sea in Pacific coffee but decided later to come back again with something to read. Entered Pageone. Entered a different comfort atmosphere. I merely wanted to skip in and out of the bookstore with something to read, but i ended up spending close to half an hour. This syndrome i have. I know, its 2 sides of my mind fighting one another. The unconscious just wants to escape from reality and laze, dwelling in the darkness i've been falling limitlessly for the past 19 years. (themes from the beach) People travel a thousand miles, spend thousands, just to live out the comforts, doing the same things they do at home. Discomfort, the unknown is the challenge that we should be appreciating. The conscious threw punches at me to wake up, you are deviating course, from your true purpose in life. Are you willing to declare your sperms GAY?!.... Took a flash glance at the big title that says "Awaken the Giant Within" by Anthony Robbins. My giant is sound asleep........................ >>>>FAST FORWARD>>>> 10 mins remaining.

After bouncing myself around the whole day,feels liek days, decided to leave for home. Heart still wants to enter into some stores. Its that 'magical-moment-that-suddenly-pops-out' feeling I want so hard to be rid off calling out to me. I gave in. Entered Pull-and-Bear. OK...so my pathetic little mind just wants some eye-candy. The Alpha-Male within me was like "WTF...you're not trying", but the Wimp never ceases. ok some sweet looking girl with his boyfriend. Oh hot girl in pants with his boyfriend. A little girl wearing emily the strange and all-star sneakers.(shes gonna blossom on day). GAWD....A milf....well nothing unusual...Blah blah blah....

This is that opportunity that i speak about that i always fail to realise and grab. Those Gladiator slippers have the nicest pair of legs on them! (shit time is running out, have to book in, gonna spare the last 5 mins..)...... can't grab an image of the face. Blue and white striped top.. I saw some jeans on sale..29.90.....i grab them to try it on...and another pair...then realise.........ITS THE WIMP AGAIN.....i didn't come here for JEANS!.....my headspace shifted in and out of mission mode.....Get in the game!...shes alone....looking at guy jeans...??????????????????...question marks feels my head...ooooohh. Another couple....*slaps myself on the forehead again* FOCUS HERE!...............i don't know what am i thinking...how is this even possible...it just seems so.......Shes is 90% chance a model....ok she comes closer...*shoot* i miss....i just can't pull the trigger to the mouth....paralysis strikes my backbone..even guys result to *deniability.... (3 more mins).....i flip thru some shirts grab one..and try it.....*OH FUCK WHAT AM I STILL DOING IN THIS CHANGING ROOM*........i got out......looked at some shirt rack ....i looked at her....she probably noticed....but i'm so comfortable with eye contact, it doesn't give away anything.....she walked towards me..proximity alert!.........she cam to the same rack...and was now 40 degrees facing me.................for the next 30 seconds.............................That same paralysis........................(overshoot 1 min)......she took her leave........she hung on to *deniability like all the girls did........unfortunately this was not the last.......again...we're now at the cashier..........i need to pay for that shirt i really love...what it says on that shirt, is what i wanna voice out loud..........................she was in front of me...she pair for some tops..........................cashier served me next...we just are just centimetres apart..as she took her time to keep her clothes, her money, her card, her whatever......*deniability, or i could be wrong............................

she left.....i took awhile to key in my PIN...................i left....with "SHIT I BLEW IT" i walked on........turned out........walked...turned right.....damn.....its her again.....now she thinks i'm probably stalking her........looks at me....speeds past me..................................................

thats it...encounter 2 another day............................ (overshoot 5 mins)

Smells like teen rubber

2008-08-17T04:41:00.002+08:00

this entry should have been upped aons ago........but there was no point, until now the inner voice has demanded that it speaks..........

lately, i've begin to make some changes, measures.....

for good or for worst.......just trying to understand my psycological being, my own behavior, my excuses, my emotional state...its hard to control...........i've heard that hynoptism can cure phobias, render you immune to all fears.................................i'm really doing this the hard way........

exploring all different avenues, everything i can learn from..........everytime i step out of house these past few weeks, i seek new experiences....stepping out of the comfort zone sorta thing..........

so far...it has yet to bear fruit.....disappointments most of the time....but there are few successes to note.............still it doesn't stop me from trying...........

this concerns my future.........that piece of paper acknowledgement that i receive after 5 yrs is useless...............you can't mug and work your way up............................i taking every step to build that foundation for my health career and relationships.......

this is really beyond me, time and space....i really want to be one of those rare human beings on this planet that gets this all figured out..

the next 10 years will be an uphill battle....i'm not looking for petty rewards.......i'm not trying to earn anybody's respect....i don't give a fuck about anybody now....it's me alone against the 6.45 billion ppl on this overcongested bulging polluted space...............i don't give a shit what happens to me now...what ppl see me now.....i'm alone.....chances are the ppl i've spent the last 20 years getting to know will not be in my social circle within the next 10 years......... sad but true.........

we are preconstructed by evolution, immensely slow and outdated, to believe that the ppl we know will stay by our sides our entire lives.............sadly, if we don't cherish them at that moment.......they drift away so fast.............we don't live in tribes and villages that we grow up in and spend our entire lives within that tribal community where everyone knows everyone else..........the modern world has completely destroyed this, but we are late in adapting..................................

thats it...gonna take a long nap....

Social Alignments....

2008-08-08T22:34:00.004+08:00

before i go on about today's garbage that nobody reads..........a list of random thoughts that grew tired of explaining

*i need to get dump at the toilet first* *break*

why did God give me legs if i was not to use it to run?

God gave me a mind not to hold me back........................

we run on a set of human instincts...............survival instincts..........

on the way back home late at night just now, this guy was holding on to his girl's hand, both of them with motorcycle helmets in their hands...........i passed them, walking in front them for at least 15 seconds.....i heard the man snicker...he mumbled to his girl, "zao can"(breakfast in mandarin)....he was referring to the coffee i just bought from coffee bean........(drinking that late at night)...fine..i thought they just found it funny.........seconds later...he shouted "zao can" again, in what was my interpretation as a desperate attempt to taunt me....i took a long stare back at them...

i don't really wanna break it down but i'll take the hassle to do so...........he saw me as a threat, and seeked to put me down mentally...........since he was with his girl, he was seeking validation from her, by framing himself as above other guys, like me..........oh well, you gotta give it to him for trying that hard..(hope thats what that girl would think)...........nevermind....

God made me a Man, so i would not become a pussy...........

Fearless....i need to stop being myself........start loving myself more, by hating myself more....if you do what you always do, you'll get what you'll always get...the enemy of the best is the good.....throw all that insecurities out the window.................

thats all for today...its all the time i can give...........and i haven't even went into "social alignments".....

in summary....really, we are just seeking value, not friendships........

guys..take the time to hate me...then you'll really know the person that i am........just like coffee, tea, alcohol, and cigarettes..........ppl enjoy all things bitter.....they know that by calibrating to this bitterness, they have a whole lot of pleasure waiting for them........................................

WHY

2008-08-02T22:11:00.002+08:00

WHY...

i walk a path only a select few will ever chance upon.......... an invisible bridge available only to the ones who dare to fall into the abyss..........

did God make a fool of me today? or was i being taught a lesson?..............

though failure.........it was eventful.............lots to learn...good to experience.....

.......................................................................................................................................................

Reality Check

2008-07-27T10:43:00.003+08:00

theres still time...but until now, disappointment engulfs me.................

i see all the things that i fall short....and in this process of redefinition...its really really hard.....its unimaginable the possibility of overcoming this fear......i know what to do, what it takes.......

its more than that first step really........................i took it....it has changed my entire perspective....to be exact.............IT HAS CHANGED MY EXISTENCE

but not enough courgae and determination to take it......................

this is not about love, girls, relationships, emotions..........integral yet small part of the equation....its not what i'm after in the end.................nothing can fill that empty hole that both God and Man have created and widened.............

finally, the ability to understand ppl better than they themselves do, and society as a result.............

i hope this blog tracks the performance, the process, the obstacles, anxiety and fear.........

noone reads these things and understands them.......................

Enemy of the best is the good. (We get too comfortable with what we already have)

2008-07-20T01:08:00.005+08:00

wondered if i should write something today.............had a good week this week...both in camp and out of camp.............

life is what you decide to frame it up in...........

sometimes i wish i could go express this experience to everyone...tell everyone just how i'm feeling right now...this phase that i'm going through in life.....i'm constantly smiling to myself...but just can't tell anyone about it.....no everyone around me just won't understand....they'll fail to see that life can be fun...everyone is living their secluded lives...i'm just over the top of my head................

i constantly make contrasts these days between myself and the lives of others.....it seems that ppl cannot get out of the FISH TANKS that a million years of evolution has placed us in.........we cross the paths of the same old ppl surrounding our lives all the time....even when we try to spend some alone time, its the same old ppl that we keep getting ourselves caught into....like the same old goldfishes that we spend every single day and second with.........

why constantly baffle ourselves the neverending complicating lists of problems by the same few ppl..... to me, life should be, and is heading that way right now, an OCEAN....every stranger that crosses my path that day is a friend or yet to be, every freaking one of them....it goes something like, strangers are just friends that are yet be discovered.......we don't live in tribes anymore....where there is no known word such as 'stranger'..we don't live with the same ppl everyday of our lives till death.......transport, communication and the population boom has forced upon us to coexist with ppl we only begin to meet the very next second, to explore humanity....................................................................................................................................i hate to go on....ask me about it if you want

i won't say that i'm absolutely happy and contended.........

its just that...life doesn't seem that cloudy anymore....its clear..and the sun's rays only serve to charge me up.......my goals in life are simple.......health, career, relationship..........without one, and humans seep into depression.................

in case i've never really mention to anybody why...heres why this is such a good week........

before this, ive been gearing up towards this week...and this week, things start to fall into place....

got gold (*) for my ippt......cleared my soc; the standard obstacle course.........no ones talked about it a lot, because everyone is ashamed of it....the amount of fear that surmounts when clearing it...........for 3 weeks, i stared at fear in the eye...so much so i understood it...everyone who does soc fears it..........the ppl who excel are the ones that challenge it..........its like jumping out of the plane really.....50 times into it...and you will still feel the andrenaline.............i approach ppl which is hard....talk to ppl who hate me..............and who i hate........

simply put, i'm placing myself in all the uncomfortable positions that i can ever imagine, or which is brought up at that moment........why?.....to get use to discomfort...........

is there a point in it?...my point is, if a person throws a set of keys at your face, and you have not mastered a way to catch it, its gonna hit your face and you're going to whine in pain.........allow that person to keep doing that...............keep getting your face smashed up, mashed up whatever......soon you'll learn to catch it........................and soon after that.............when something flies towards you...........your hand moves to grab it without your own notice................i'm finding ways to solve the everyday problems that we seek to avoid.......like newton and einstein questioning the 'nature' which ppl seem only to care less about..................soon, i can just deal with everything that life THROWS at me.................without a single sleepless night, without a flinch....get a million heartbreaks, so your mind doesn't screw with you when the next one comes along.......

shiping asked me if girls dislike guys who use vulgarities.......i propose let there be vulgarities.........its ok to have hate in the air.........fuck this, fuck that, fuck him, fuck her.........it shows the world and GOD how unpure, or really pure we are....that we aren't hypocrites...we can't get rid of it...our parents come in and nag at us, or disagrees with something, in our minds we curse the hell out of them........we don't just smile at our enemies...it takes more courage to stand up and say fuck you to the person you hate then to be nice to him/her.......

thats all i'm going into this week.............suddenly, sleep seems so precious, when you've got something to accomplish tommrrow.........

i part you with this wise words guys, so you may live the next 28,251 days minus the no. of days you've lived to the MAXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx..............

"There is a saying. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why we call it the present." - Master Wu Gui (haha...rmb kung fu panda...)

just a heighten sense of things.......

2008-07-13T02:49:00.006+08:00

i can't describe the feeling..................what hold behind this fear is a high that is beyond description.................i merely got a sample of it....and i know i just got to have more of it...........

its not easy...

gonna keep this short....sayonara.....

------------------------------------------------
my life....my past.........its all rubbish.....................

decided to take a short 5 min look at friendster to catch up with whats going on...........and i saw hell before my eyes....my friends have been reduced to junk.........they've been hit by the G-virus or something...victims of their own instability of emotions. maybe i've been hit too...how can i not be....

a hard piece of trash....hard piece of reality..............hard to get rid off.............

page by page i unravel.......the more disgusted i get...........

this is not about me anymore..........whats wrong with everyone...you guys are the problem.....
building layers and layers of plaster on your face, on your lives,meshed up with all the ppl unlucky enough to be part of it..............never putting your best foot forward....

i can't pretend to be happy....not like you guys with your fun-filled lives.......

Calibration

2008-07-05T13:16:00.003+08:00

Turns out that God didn't make us any different from all the other organisms on this planet... humanity is no better than the animal kingdom....

i'll stop here and spare the evolutionary theory and our imperfections.....

are our daily actions hardwired into our brains? i pose myself the same question everyday.....whether my actions are an act of emotion(in the process to overcome that fear) or an act of fear.............homeostasis...........http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homeostasis

i don't even know why i constantly have this urge to blog.....when i try to avoid it..........it comes down on me forcefully........

simply put............................WE DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE to any part of our actions.............our brain successfully releases the equilibrium amount of hormones that causes the right amount of fear stress and emotional pressure....

i've been up on stage times enough to know how to manage my fear....i don't know why that constant fear is always there, that nervousness....................its the strongest just before you are about to go up.............its more than just insecurities, worries, and the unexplainable stress....its just the mind creating that paralyzing fear that i'll become a fool when all that attention(its weird how we fear attention, but our emotions seeks out attention,homeostasis) is on you...its not like i'm afraid that i'll screw up....we've practised so much, its relegated to muscle memory or whatever......... i went up anyway......and 1 minute into the whole thing......that fear dissolves.........that energy in me up its peak so much that i'm holding it in, from blowing up but still i'm not in control...(its weird....this time to others, to the audience seem insignificant, for those under the pressure, everything happens in bullet time, we noticed every detail thats going on...it seems like its the longest time of our lives..caused probably by andrenaline)....

what made me go up......was my emotions on the other side telling me that i'll would be so disappointed with myself if just sit here and not walk towards my outcome..........emotion is a weapon, it leads us to do all the impossible things that our fear is stopping us from..............its double-edged-sword-like though...

imagine the guy suffering countless sleepless nights, emotional despair....and ultimately proclaiming his love in the most frustrating of fashions to his crush...............

emotion overrode his fear of rejection.....................at the same time, emotion threw a rock at his own face by doing something extremely stupid..........

anyway...i'm bored now.......................i wanted to go on...but my mind has told me its enough and there are other things that simply need my attending to........

our purpose; our choice? in life may simply be to survive and pass on our genes.....i guess its important to consider the purpose(whatever delusions you may have, how noble that purpose may be, i will not dictate what that purpose is, but the entire human race must have that same purpose. afterall we're built the same way rite?) of our lives on this planet and how our brains are controlling our actions to meet that purpose or at worst it shuts itself out into depression and ultimately suicide...

i told some ppl about it verbally, they do not agree with me at the sametime slapping themselves in the face...cos i saw it happen before my eyes the sequence of steps that their mind took at that very same moment.......

-P.S- i have no depth, merely breadth.....the reason why i'm still like this.........why i think think think, blog blog blog....i'm still looking for my answers....my emotions led me into this, i believe emotions will lead me thru this, and finally lead me to overcome my fear......from there i guess my emotions will still be there to lead me thru that unknown........to meet my purpose in life)

getting in phase...conversationalist..

2008-06-15T02:42:00.003+08:00

finally, i've decided once again to write something serious(just means long)

i've got a tremendous load of stuff to write...so just bear with me ok?

i'm learning...through bits and pieces....i barely managed...i realised that i've never gotten really great results in school.....its weird, but now i accept that its impossible to excel without the basics.... i never completed a single paper since PSLE(having mentioned this a couple of times)....i don't want to use the excuse that i read too slow or take turtle time to think, its really because i've never practised.....

till this point in life.....i've never felt like i've succeeded much in anything, not that i did not put my heart and soul into it..... but it was the basics that i constantly CHOOSE to neglect.....
why did i bring this up?.....i think its time for me to grow up....not just for myself...but for the ppl around me, and (though its cheesy,) for the world to become a better place.......its like the major examinations that i've always done.......i have all the answers in my head...there is no speck of darkness at every direction.........BUT i just cannot finish, maybe i have a phobia of success, that i have no dreams of success, thats why i never did in the past.....

to face the future challenges ahead.....i'm going to start preparing for it now......i can't believe what someone said to me once, which i chose to doubt, was actually echoed around the world by so many success stories....that the window of opportunity only stays open momentarily, you have no time to hesitate or analyse, only enough time to make that choice to take it.....

before a ship sets sail for her adventure, her sails must be hung, decks repaired, cannons primed.....

literally....i'm preparing myself for that day when the opportunity finally arises, i can put my best foot forward and from there, it'll simply be a lay-up....

New dimensions

2008-06-08T21:01:00.002+08:00

i wish i could let you in on my new outlook....but i don't have the time.....there was just so much feelings that came to me as i took in all the things that i saw today.........well...i don't really have to say it....the world will soon find out, when my presence beams

DANGER

2008-05-30T22:44:00.002+08:00

if you do what you always do, you'll get what you always get...

if you've decided to risk it all by pushing all the buttons, even hitting the wrong ones by mistake.......be prepared to face all the backblasts of it............................

it was all for the world to become better.....................................

GIVENCHY

2008-05-24T12:35:00.005+08:00

stepping out of your comfort zone..................i've literally been stepping into discomfort..........i guess its worth it....who knows what i'll become in a few months time.............

self initiating challenges..............

i'm sorry but i feel its quite necessary to abandon online correspondence with the world...........
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

its hard i tell you.............it takes a lot of will to do what i'm trying to do..........doing all these things that you've never ever paid attention to.....all these bad habits that you're trying to quit........have you ever tried to quit smoking?....at least now i can even imagine how hard it is..........

its hard for Mao to pull reforms over his country..........its hard for ppl in Eastern Europe to get back up on their feet after the fall of USSR..........its hard to start taking responsibility when you've been told what to do, and doing whats necessary the whole time................

it takes more than a flick of a switch in your head, takes more than a mid-life crisis, more than the support of all the people in your life put together to power, fuel, drudge that change...and theres no way others can help, cos there is just no way for them to lighten the load.......you're an exploding man, they cannot explode for you.........it takes strong will

E=mc^2

that freaking immense expansive load of energy required to produce that minute negligible grain of sand....imagine bringing that change into your life.....you'll need 999999(x99) nuclear reactors........

for 18 years......working hard to me, was merely studying hard for my tests and exams...wrestling with my books........i never in my entire 18 years gave up few months of my time to dedicate and commit myself entirely to study.............such was my weak-willed brain.........getting the grades i've got again and again, though never once i've been satisfied, entitles me to a 'phew...thank God.' ................

my guitar skills suck, my hockey skills suck.......never putting myself through the tough grilling..

and now...............for the first time of my life..........i urgently urgently needed to change..........this urgency, never reminded me of my Alvls..........its the project of the lifetime.................

my mind has been out in the field since sunday......about 6-7 days.......it hasn't taken a breather.......i've been returning home to sleep each day because i need to start off again the next day......................................................................................

i'm leaving the house once more....

Inner game

2008-05-23T09:43:00.002+08:00

life has its frustrations.........and like most guys.....i've been wussing out on my fears all this while.....

but this has been what i'm setting out to change these days..

i wanna suceed in life....and in my life i will be the master.. no one to get in the way..."hey look! shows over here!....let me finish first..."

in this life...............i will have to change some of my biggest flaws........its not about not being myself, its not about becoming a hypocrite.....years of fears and bad habits cultivated a wuss..........i'm not comfortable being a wuss......now, or be forever extricated from society....

Is this what you want with your life.........

2008-05-22T13:10:00.003+08:00

you guys are living a terrible reality..........

success in life is worth dying for....that first step to acheive a goal.....that first plunge to acheive a huge success...........

What you wish for doesn't fall into your lap........

despite anxiety, take that leap of faith you must...........

taking that first step.....the leap of faith.....

2008-05-19T18:48:00.002+08:00

i finding it so hard to do something so simple....what is so unthreatening is so threatening to me now...............time is against me, and all i did was to wait and wait........................letting time past me....................

saying "just do it"...and doing it.....are two very different things................

the conscious is willing, but the unconscious is filled with fear and insecurities..........leaving the comforts at home and choosing to walk on hot coals is a hard decision................................

the indians could walk on hot coals.............only because they thought nothing of it.........

i have just about 2 hours left to do something.............or do nothing................

WHAT THE FUCK!...............................I"M GETTING OUT......................

someone please unlock me

2008-05-19T01:07:00.003+08:00

its weird, cos i've been seeing 'magic' and phenomenas happen before my eyes....and i can no longer deny that its impossible.....................

finally some material to write on after a freaking long dry spell...........

its weird how everything we do has a social reason behind it..........and i've come to realised a little too late that social skills matter in whatever we do.......*lost in transition*

oh my..its been a long time and i've been finding it hard to express myself.....

lets just get down to the specifics shall we?

it felt like "two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl..." i failed terribly today......i managed to disarm a few obstacles and opened some doors within myself.......however it also seemed that i've failed to disarm some obstacles that piled up.....its important that i reflect on what i did, an AR so to speak...

first, i was crappy...and realised that i was so inexperienced and inept that i was finding it tough to crack an egg...............there can be no mistakes, and it wasn't smooth....simply, you had to precise even when it comes to the simplest of operations...

i'll break it down in timeline order, so it'll be easier to recall the events that happened.........then at random....

before i approached, i visualised all the formations possible....first, the ones that were unfavourable....the one that made him the pro...the one that would have ruined my game from the start.........if he were to flank....it would be favourable if he made a direct confrontation.........what most guys would do which serves only to intimidate.........however after realising the possibility of an additional character, the possibility of favourable conditions were on the decline......here comes the weird thing, either by sheer coincidence or the thought-to-be 'fail-safe' approach that ppl use to both get a comfortable hold and the perceived advantage of direct contact, both characters adopted the same ideal and gave me what i had looked forward to....i got the flank, but soon my glee will be shortlived.........

this is where i lacked...........early into it...obstacles begin to appear.....i realised that, being in the center of it all is necessary to be in control.....when the limelight shifted here and there, frequencies up and down....all i could do was to hide(not out of fear) someplace else till it was clear again.....its hard not to be able to sail in the right direction....leaving the sails to the winds was foulplay..........in fact thats what i did all the time, when obstacles were around...i just did not know how to solve them...........when i was sidelined, when i realised i felt i was pulled around instead of being untouchable..........being untouchable is not something to be done all times but only at the right times...i guess i resorted to it too much.............instead of finding a solution at the point of time........

my leverage started to show, clearly, everyone has their insecurities...it can be told by their actions, words, behaviour, the flitting of eyes.....every action every act is inseperable from the emotions in their minds....even celebrities have them, feeling as if the whole world is watching thier everymove..........

hmmm...signals which i still have doubts with...........these signals which i do have doubts with whether they were of coincidence.............but ask any expert, and they'll say that the doubts were a result of self-conciousness...and the obvious may be true.....the unconcious....the kinesthesia meant that a bridge was set....the high spirits, even through the uneventful(which entirely is my fault) hours....flitting sights, speedy mouthfuls of blabber that spewed, inappropriate laughters that weren't at the junctions...............imagine reckless driving without care for the presence of roads.............the conscious...... formations taken, the enemy's appreciation of situation(AOS) that led to the switching of formations after a hesitation?

ahh........and the stepping stones which i failed to realise and take...............

i failed miserably.............but still attempts were made, thus i guess i was on the right track?....................

failed to be in control.........bad closing...nuff said.........

profile............. it actually exists.............,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,......................

i just need more knowledge and practise.............

I don't wanna look like that..

2008-05-04T13:07:00.002+08:00

"Every adventure to be had in this room is on the dark side. The people on the light side are asleep right now. And they are dreaming about the dark side. Because the more you try to repress the dark side, the stronger it gets, until it finds its own way to the surface. I sleep well. I dream of angels and sponge cake and panda bears. I don’t see the dark side until I open my eyes. " - strauss

nuff said...........will be booking in tonight...and i hate it........i hate it when my freedom is taken away from me.

no more hesitation.........lets do it.........

WORDPLAY

2008-04-13T17:48:00.004+08:00

wasn't planning to blog......just have nothing to say....at the start.....but it ends up, its just feels necessary now. this sense of duty that i must give some last words before i close up the week or it'll really feel as if the week has been wasted.......well...no matter how uneventful.............

(this song just happened to be playing and i guess it adequately covers what i want to say about the week, without myself having to express it)

Raindrops keep falling on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he' got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling

But there's one thing I know
The blues he sends to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Crying's not for me
Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me

BECAUSE I"M FREE! NOTHINGS BOTHERING ME!

my week was 101% like the lyrics of this classic song......there were just so many times.......during these points....the pressure just got a little too high.......it wasn't even stress.......it was like big heavy clouds just seem to tower over me wherever i went unrelentlessly..........so much so, the atmospheric pressure just seems to squeeze me against my head and my chest.............so many times.....time and time and again, i just felt like letting it all out...tears lined against the breakwater of my eyelids...........
then like neo in the matrix.....it would suddenly seem like i could see the world in codes.....i could see the world the way i want it...i could see the truth...for how cruel World is.............and then feel theres nothing cruel about the world and her cruelty.........

the weeks just keeps getting more and more stucked up....each week contends to be the worst....and this week has been the worst of my entire ns life...........

however, wanna also say that i'm not feeling hopeless rite now..........i've got some priorities done up again.........even though they may never last long enough to be carried out...i guess its good to have a path or routine to follow for now.....routine....i really don't believe life has to be organised or follow a pattern......this occurred to me as i was doing guard duty just yesterday, a saturday evening to sunday morning.......the camp was practically empty, empty, empty....except us, the camp guards...its really weird how much meaning i've managed to siphon dry this meaningless duty...bleak and desolate....we guards aren't guarding anything, just following a routine order.....i was a prowler......we had to follow this route.....me and my buddy's route was to circle the entire camp.....let me just explain how it like on the scene....fences and trees... fences on my right...tress on my left....no need to explain what fences are for..it stood between me and freedom as i get a good view of the longstretch of highway and roads..trees were to prevented the outside world from seeing anything insde the camp...but more like we were being isolated, and i was tasked to guard my isolation....it felt like walking through an endless tunnel, an on the other part, it was like a prison...
its like guarding an outpost that nobody gives a shit about...that the whole world have left behind for that moment.......and inside that guardroom was 'twilight', time literally stood still..since there were hardly any windows....kind of like a club, where i would be if i wasn't doing guard duty...

experiences like these don't happen everyday, whether i was fortunate or not to have experience it....though i was down most of the time, i guess everything is enriching......but its inevitable that routine is the right choice for the next few weeks, months, or even the rest of the time that i may be serving ns........this hasn't happened when i was schooling, which should have been done so, and i would have been sucessful until now.........

for years, my mind will never seem to relieve itself of its civil unrest.....i will try..

To the world out there....if you could only hear my voice......i'm drowning, nobody's here to save me...nobody gives a damn about tsunamis that don't hit them............

time to pack my bags for another week of confinement....literally, metaphorically.....

Important Reality

2008-04-06T19:45:00.003+08:00

just have to say this quickly...wasn't really at home at all to have a time to say something..and i have to book in..anyway....

this vid that i just put up.....really pity the main superhero in it, only his no longer one..........watch and you'll understand why.......(and maybe the lyrics as well..)

don't wanna lay things straight....but how outrageously wrong it sounds, what hock chuan had said, i agree with him so much that its true.......

Instant Gratification...love it or hate it.... its the way to go........this sadly is the truth...

ppl grab all the food thats in front of them in a buffet, even though the food seriously sucks...they just cannot not have something lousy when its either free, or right in front of you...............

i tried.......and i think it sucks..... i rather live on the streets each and everyday of my life, and live a life of freedom then live a life where it is about chasing those needs..............and esp when these 'things' arent needs.................we'll all look back years down the road and realise, oh fuck......i slept with an arsehole.....and now i'll pay with nothing but regrets........

i'm not pin-pointing at anybody, but generally at a significant proportion of the human race.............

it just so happens each time, hear news from here and there........it feels like the iraq war, sept 11, north korea, the tsunami, catastrophes happening around world, but it doesn't really hit you or change your life in anyway....i don't really give a shit, or greys my hair, but have a slight sympathy for this ppl.....that the world is going down, we're bound for hell

and i start to think, whats was wrong, is wrong with this ppl.............maybe nothing's wrong but i'm that piece of shit to begin with..........

Like a superhero that nobody needs.

P.S maybe i try to curb my needs and wants sometimes, but like everyone else , i've resorted to mental and emotional masturbation by pouring out all these words and thoughts that i've held for so long and had to come out....cured the urge and blast it , cum at the world all this vent up anger....and not without the constant nightmares that i have while asleep these days....Instant gratification...there i've done it like everyone else...........and i'll start to do so in many aspects of my life until i feel i've cleared my doubt that this is wrong? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em..

YOU ARSES that i've lost.........Still love you all so you know.........but now i'll go out to catch my own pies....

Is there tomorrow?

2008-03-30T02:21:00.002+08:00

its the end of the month again...and i'm getting really tired.ah...haven't been blogging for a long time...i've just grown lazy with telling things to all the imaginary ppl that reads these entries....being straightforward just seems unexciting...sometimes theres just too much to say, so much that it becomes troublesome........and how unexplainable the boredom that engulfs me...

in case i stop blogging once and for all(which i've wanted to do so many times but never did) and because i haven't wrote anything properly for a long time...........

my mind has been empty....the pervasion of nothingness.....i just wonder why nothing interesting happens all of a sudden...oh wait....there indeed are interesting things happening everyday, but i've just been unperturbed by it all, i don't know why.....my mind just stopped receiving 'radio signals', thus nothing is relayed here.........

lets just begin with the most interesting thing that happened this week.....and i'll not even touch on the army...its so boring....the camp is dreary...cast away at tuas....

my smu interview...i really want to enter smu....i don't know why....maybe its that nite at frujsh(?)..cosy place....i can't really think of how good it is as a school...when i compare it to nus.....nus is much better...its bright campus life....rich full of spirit and energy...thats my impression of nus.......where the average person would want to be...where i thought i would want to be....now smu isn't even that colourful compared to nus..........but somehow i'm just excited by it..it doesn't even feel like a campus...its feels like joining some big enterprising corporation...and its really not because of the ppl thats in there.....i'm wooed by it...under the impression that i'll be awed when i step foot in there.....smu offers something completely different....i can't even put it in words....its like the drug that i just have to lay my hands on.....the knowledge that is encased within the building begs to be let out.........the prospects seem brighter over there..

i went there not really well-dressed....don't wanna be overdressed nor wrongly dressed....so i wore a polo tee...and jeans.....an undergrad called to remind me of the appt....but i was already downstairs and early......hmmm..social science..... i begin to ponder....its not even my first choice, business is what i was here for...or so i thought.....

it was unlike me.....i felt really calm........i took my time to take in the sights and sounds around me as i moved around and up to the interview room, observing anything and everything (... -_-" ...like i always do..)....i knocked and entered this room...there were a few of them in formal wear chatting...they were probably about to give a presentation...asked them to point me in the right direction.....i left and continued walking.....past this woman....she was seated at the bench, spewing out the lines that she had memorised probably for some presentation.....i thought to myself....WHAT?! ppl still memorise their lines? its going to look so choreographed...i was shaking my head in disbelief.....i reported to these undergraduates sitting at a table that was incharged of registering the interviewees....they had to look at my results to confirm.....then she led me inside some pathway thru a big door to outside a room....to sit at some chairs laid outside the room....there were 2 rooms.......and 2 ppl were waiting outside the other room.....i heard voicesas i was outside....

the interviewers were asking the interviewee why he would prefer smu soc sci over fass in nus....the guy replied in some pretentious voice...."smu...blah blah..different...blah blah better..."... a really pretty girl came out from the other room.....smiling...then the door near me opened...and the guy came out....he happend to be an aquaintance during first 3 mths in pj.....he had better grades than i have.....we greeted each other enthusiastically and he was complaining about how he was put down in the interview....told him not to worry and that it was part of the process to demoralise him....

when he left, the head of a chinese man peered out the door and asked me if i was pang ziqi..."are you here early?".."yes i'm early"......he spoke to the man inside.."do you want to see mr pang ziqi now?"....man inside replied with an angmoh accent(american if i did not rmb wrongly)...."oh yes sure, lets have ziqi come in now"....................i entered an shook their hands which they offered....the first question from the ang moh was "Wow, you've got an A for project work... tell us more of what you did.."...."my project was on local movies, films.."...."oh...no wonder you got an A...what was your proposal.." i was just a teeny weeny bit nervous, cos i don't know what to say.....but i told them about my proposal...."ahh...yes..theres always potential"......after that, "both of us were having a little discussion here...wondering why you got an A for project work, but did badly for gp..." i told them about distinctly about the essay that i wrote, and that i had wrote off point...geared towards consumerism instead...in my head,...opps....i was wearing ralph laurn polo tee..."why don't you answer the question now....well, is money a prime motivator of singaporeans"...i said yes...and went on to explain...as they questioned me....i then realised...i explained all the points that weren't supporting my stand...haha....and then i told them..."ehhh....i think i change my stand...."..blah blah blah...."yes....its not really money rite?"......

....they asked me more on the development of singapore and stuff.........answers just didn't came to me when i needed them most...but i just spewed whatever came to my head, unconvincingly..............
------------------------
part 2 coming up next......so tired now...

Propagation

2008-03-23T22:02:00.002+08:00

i understand initiation....in electrophillic substitution...it when uv rays transfer energy onto the halogen molecule to produce 2 very unstable electrophiles,...passionate radicals......

propagation which i don't get........i need to find the medium for which things can proceed and not reach a dead end.....

This is how life has changed when you're entered 2008...complains...

2008-03-21T15:08:00.003+08:00

I'm bloggin while brainstorming of my university courses.........

Life sucks, suck it up......... No one dies a virgin, Life fucks us all........

resigned to this small pathetic web space at the outer reaches of the WORLD WIDE WEB

there is no tolerance amongst the human race.....United Nations are useless....we should all become terrorists........i can't tolerate so many things happening in this world......Rather then embrace, we shun the handicapped, we shun gangsters, the beggars.... racism, homophobia..........

and i still have to decide which course to go to..............

i can't change the world, i can't change my parents, i can't even change myself......

YES YOU ARE ALL BLIND..............

amused and turned on by all that is fake........

i'm going back to deciding my uni course.

Someone help unravel me..

2008-03-18T23:55:00.001+08:00

ahhhhhhh.....why won't the world listen to me.!!ahhashhsa

. brb .
-------------

Tremble the scourge

2008-03-16T13:59:00.002+08:00

My parents are assholes......ever since the day i was born..........all they ever do is claim they know you and understand you better than i myself do....tell you what you should do and what you should not.....but their degenerating brains............ stupid unsolicited advice...my parents are the dumbest lifeforms on the planet.......go ahead and think i'm unfillial and all......all i've been doing right now, is talk to them nicely, have dinner, and stuff even when i don't want to...been holding myself back time and time again not confronting them about their flagrant arrogance and ignorance.. because i feel this is the best i can do for them having given birth to me....they are really old.....and i don't think old ppl should have any problems in life.......

anyway......been thinking lately,(not that i ever stopped).............too tired to say anything...there's nothing much i wanna say for now..i just wanna go on consuming brain nutrients and food...........

THats it...

tired, pissed off, unsure about the future, unsure about my principles...i hate principles...sure about myself...

hedonism is creep

2008-03-14T00:28:00.001+08:00

Here is gone..

2008-03-07T12:22:00.002+08:00

gonna leave for school to collect my a lvl results soon....like everybody else, i'm expecting straight As....but i'm wondering why i slacked off so much during jc...what made me do it......that in itself is a mystery.............i'm guessing i'll get Bs and Cs this time...but Ds and Es probably...if another miracle were to happen again now............i'll blow up, explode...............................

i feel like a thick stack of printing paper..............life is empty besides the army..........just too tired to talk about the ppl in army....but the world just won't be as merry as we all want it to be.......i observe and saw, and i got to see just how the world can be blind most of the time to what really is essential.........being in a world where everything is a simulation, (can't really express properly).....plastic......where we will call a chatline to speak to a sweet voice and convince ourselves that the person at the other end of the line will be pretty.....where sex fetishes come in shapes and sizes....but they are all hypocritic........follow the lyrics of 'Californication' and you get what i mean.......not that we don't know its fake, its just that we are so desperate for it, we accept it , convince ourselves of its authenticity.......

not sure if i mentioned it before......'Actions speaks louder than words'.....something i don't believe.....actions these days are so easily displayed for the purpose of impressing or convincing.......i guess reading behind the lines of the words that ppl say would better unveil intentions.......ppl don't mask their words....most tend to just whine when they have frustrations and not take it out on someone...they may treat you nice, but you can sometimes sense their frustration from their words, something i just cannot prevent when i'm around my parents......its just that they hold back their actions more than they do to their words......i said before how ppl may behaves the opposite just so that it hides their weaknesses.....yeah thats it......the world is blind....we are Judge Dreads....we are so bad in judging character....

sigh...A lvls.......will have to retake another time i guess.............

The lord works in mysterious ways

2008-02-24T13:47:00.002+08:00

"when mathematics fails."

was at esplanade last night.....me and chung as always, decided to head to the free gigs available during the weekends there.......its been a long time since we've been there.....during the few times that we headed there, it was always some ska bands, not that they were bad...but the crowd were a turn off.....

and finally......reading the friday Life! newspaper, they showcased some upcoming local bands, dualtone and b-quartet.....and ever since i heard this local band, Camra, play....i was surprised that the alternative genre was so alive....even radiohead would be proud.....

b-quartet was really really good......one of the best local music i;ve heard yet.....electrico can forget it.....unless you're going mainstream....ships was saying how the vocalist was high and behaved like bind melon's shannon hoon...lol... i was expecting him to start making fun of ppl already by then......lol

all my favourite elements of music in one band.....heavy drumming, dreamy singing, non-midi non-synth sounding electronic sounds..........

so i bought the album, the poem on it inspired this post................

"you do not have an imaginary friend.
i am not your imaginary friend.
i believe we have come to a point,
somewhere halfway through our lives,
where we could be living in a cardboard
box and not be too bothered by it the
very next morning. i woke up yesterday
with a very bad headace. you had no idea
that we were stranded in the middle of the road.

i blame the bloody autopilot button.

go to sleep. do not wake up until i do."

non-conformist sounding...emo...and against everything that currently exist..

so begins this episode of self-reflection........

i remembered when i was younger.........much younger......all the times when i was young that i could remember.....push the corn up the holes of a lotus root, when your mum brews soups like these...

i was a rebel in preschool.......i was the only rebel in preschool......i don't know what was right or wrong..just did what i want, not what i was told.....i guess i was being caned too much when i was young...my parents told me i was given the most as well as given the cane the most.....didn't give a shit about the teachers, was punished all time.....remembered all the crimes i committed, but never the punishments or repercussions...

wasn't anti social or what......every morning i would enter the nursery all cheery, but i will always seclude myself..............its not that i will not mix around with others or was shy.........but the first 1 hour in the morning while we wait for all the children to be delivered, we will get to play with toys and all...........i never learnt to play with other children.....i only knew how to play with myself...everyone else will be talking and making noise with one another....but i will be alone, gathering the big pieces of lego,duplo(i think), for my 'project' every morning.....during this period, i will not mingle with anyone but kept to myself....obsessed in building elaborate spaceships, always wanted to be an astronaut after watching lots of starwars and startrek....or i will be building my bungalows with back and front yards....... there was this once, when i was only over 2, this 6 yr old fat indian kid came to disturb me while i was busy with my engineering pursuits......i don't think i was pissed off....but you know how children are.....watch supernanny, and that was how irritating i was....a push here and there and a fight ensues......i was being slammed into the book shelves.....and i broke something which my parents had to pay..........

i'm bored now...don't wanna blog time away...........i guess i'll head down to jp to shop and stroll around.....some eye candy and some sweet gifts for my taste buds will do me good.............but not before some exercise.......

We hide our strength in the cover of darkness..

2008-02-08T21:40:00.000+08:00

what happen when life is all too smooth-sailing........find yourself some problems.....

This world is in need of a Vigilante Madman!

2008-02-06T17:48:00.000+08:00

I AM THE LAW.........

freaking hell....just looking thru at ppl on friendster.......i believe friendster provides a good representation of a person's personality(shit personalities esp...).....depending of whatever they put up on their profiles, the photos they post........

for me, i try to do whatever is interesting....whatever is to my liking, and not bother about whether its what ppl judge me upon......my blog?......i guess i like its ambiguity, and plain outlook....nothing fancy to divert ppl's attention from this die-hard compulsion to release my (esp)frustration of this stinking world......what motivates me to be who i am is the hatred and love i have for life and this world, devoid of any particular culture or belonging, unlike most, whether its seeking acceptance, competition..........some ppl just try to hard......

being in NS for a wee-bit greater than 3 weeks, i have not had much contact with the outside world......i don't know how social life is like in the 'real world'.....how stupider it is becoming and which ppl are soughting to become.... friendster is a great place to read, if not entirely, into the minds of ppl.....

its not that hypocrisy is bad....its not that we should feel the need to be who we are or 'just be natural'.............be cheena and beng whatever, just don't be irritating.......

(i wish i was a painter/artist, so i don't have to whine so much in words...when a picture speaks a thousand words.)

even in NS, where there is no point for it existence, it exist.......where the actions of some speaks so deafeningly loud, "Look at me, I'm Impressive!".........

in case, you still don't get what i'm whining about.........partly, its being fueled by the wrong reasons such as trying to impress instead of the 'fire that is burning inside'(corny, i know...i meant passion)......partly its innate, where its happens because they do not recieve enough respect from ppl, resulting in low esteem, which tingles this natural instinct....just like being thirsty, your body feels uncomfortable, and you seek water....since humans are not animals, and instincts are not what controls our actions ultimately...CANNOT BE FORGIVEN.

in case you're wondering, trying to use strong words, unconciously trying to impress readers(if any)......no i'm not....not trying to be bombastic....pompous maybe.....i just want to improve my language....the same reason i go jogging....same reason for being so masochistic as to enjoy all the runs in NS......

ahhhhhhhhh....enough for today....got so much i have left to say, so much i've forgotten about, so much i've left out.....but thoughts continue evolving every second....like clouds.....i wonder how einstein can explain that with space-time....how he settled on an exact theory when his thoughts are no longer the same as it was a sec ago, since it continues to be distorted by time?.....i'm just mumbling crap...don't have any knowledge on this....relativity relative before relative now relative on its own....huh?

also feel like i'm losing the knowledge that i've spent whatever little time i took to memorise it in jc.....read read read.....i get a high, curiousity of a child, if you haven't noticed, with everything i do.......and i know it does irritate ppl...

Emo statement No. 1 "Just can't escape from the depths of this emptiness."

2008-02-02T15:56:00.000+08:00

now i'm bored again.........life before NS wasn't colourful....now, i still feel the same.......its just so plain.....i haven't lost motivation.....since feeling like this only makes me appreciate things more and look forward to every next day for what might be my impending windfall....

if i'm on the verge of dying from starvation, i will never resort to begging.....i'm not in denial, but desperation just doesn't make one look good.

humans will never be satisfied.....we will always have that something that we're waiting for......

even here, i find it hard to let it all out.....i promise to be a selfless person 5 months ago..so much so that i constantly remind myself not to talk about myself in front of ppl.....no one likes someone who goes on forever about themselves and not give others a chance to speak, since innately we all need to express ourselves..............

but when i'm emo, its just hard to pay attention to others and avoid being self-absorbed....its always easy to tell the selfish from the selfless........we can easily tell the egoistic from how much they constantly talk about themselves....they may not boast outright....but it becomes obvious....

always, these ppl are the most mentally vulnerable.....and easily misled......for they are the most self-conscious, and have the lowest self-esteem, having the need to let everyone know about their past accomplishments....if you are a salesperson, these ppl are your cashcows...............

i diverged again........anyway, i just have so mucht things that i want to do...but the short 'bookout' days just keeps getting shorter......shorter than other companies....i do not live a life of my own anymore.....well i guess all of us do not have the luxury to make that choice, to choose our genes, our looks, place of birth and so on........

................thats it.....will not go on with describing the same "emoness" with different sentences...

expressing myself doesn't seem to help anyway............gotta correct something i just said above....., its not about self-expression........its about obtaining the attention of others....what is art without admirers.......No man is an island.......constantly relying on those around us for emotional comfort............

My minions, this is a full fledged war

2008-01-27T01:09:00.000+08:00

humbled..

i cant blog about ns...because its a crime, and i'll be chucked into DB......but well....there are tons of ppl blogging about their experiences online.....try the search engine.....

anyway, wasn't expecting to meet so many interesting ppl...........there were so many different personalities, that was short of in pj........even though we all looked the same......i guess its because, there is no longer the avenue of judging ppl from their appearances....its easy to fall into the illusion that we all think alike since we are being stripped of our 'personalities'......

ah.....anyway, have always found it hard to blog about the exact events that took place every day to day, so i won't start now....thoughts and feelings are the priority.........

kept feeling i was becoming dumber and dumber.....i can't recall words or phrases, title of songs movies games...even the topics that i've studied for a lvl.......sometimes i worry that i'll lose the trove that i've gathered over the years.......the knowledge in my head i mean.......there is either no time to think about life......or i'm too tired......well, i guess i'll just have to place ns in my agenda, accept it as part of my life.....these way creating problems that my mind can work to solve.....for example....i don't really give a shit if the bunk is clean or not.....even if i were to be punished or confined, when the intention of the superiors is for me to take 'soldiering' seriously by inculcating fear into our hearts, i will not be fearful.....i will not lower myself to the point that i have to treat seriously keeping every point of space that i own to be free of dust.......well, if i have to....i think hypocrisy is a useful tool.....i'll pretend to be fearful...................(last few lines were merely an example)

hypocrisy...........in life, we are often the person that the world wants us to be......the evolution of one's personality merely the adaptation to the world's demands, except not that our personalities change for the better to adapt, but change to hide our flaws....(as mentioned before).........who we are deep inside, is a different story.........no ah lian is the same...there are nice ah lians and stuck up ones............................................nuff..........continue any further and it'll become a supermassive black hole...

anyway, i've found educational opportunities in ns, just as in everything that i do....so i guess, i will not abandon life in anyway, will not become antisocial following the next 2 years........

the game has just begun........

titleless

2008-01-07T23:40:00.000+08:00

nothing much is going on...

feeling so helpless right now....my modem has failed on me.....was going to play games with friends....but.., the modem spoilt.....still haven't bought my ns stuff...and things like spectacles which takes a few days....i may not have time to collect..since i'm entering this thursday.
finally it has boiled down to this....nothing really matters.........but these emotions which are just so hard to get rid off...i've got nothing interesting to say these days either....past few posts have been pure crap..

arghhhhhhh.........no matter how much you try to pretend....we are all lonely ppl...slaves to all the ppl around us....social ecology?....dependent on them to feel alive......doesn't matter if we're the characters in 'I am Legend' or 'Castaway'......i may be meeting friends every single day for the past month(...literally.....)......but lonliness is still your best friend.....finding a girlfriend will not change things either.....the 'chase', 'sparks', 'passion'....even if you knew how to make it last, will not last.......soon it gets too old, and will be swayed to find the next 'ideal'.......

it is definitely easy to fall in love, it is our biggest weakness...why?...because lonliness is our bestfriend...well, more like the person you hate so much but sticks to you like glue.....to escape lonliness momentarily, fall in love....but still you can't escape glue la..........if everyone constantly reciprocates our love, and pay more attention to others than to oneself..........will we defeat it?.....maybe we'll just want even more...and as stated above, more and more, till the person has nothing else to offer and they break up........

i wish i had the answers to everything........(maybe this is just an emotional response)....

why don't i just get her when i seem to know the answer why?.....

arghhhhh....we are all entangled, yet seperate.....exist in one world, yet it feels plenty more.....

Just as i finally surrendered and decided to go to sleep, tried turning on my modem and it starts working.............

Throw a rock at a pole and you will miss, throw a rock away from the pole and it hits.....(by rock lee)

Aint got time...

2008-01-07T01:06:00.000+08:00

just aint got time to say much.....practically rushing everywhere, to do this and that, meet up with friends, like i'm going to die in 4 days time..........

well rui got it rite.......i'm a busy man..

New year resolutions are out....

2008-01-03T16:40:00.000+08:00

1) l-o-v-e
2) To have pleasure, i need to know pleasure....whining about how bored i am each time, will not stop boredom......
3)Personal 'grooming'(every single aspect)
4)Money, Money, Money...................i'm not a materialistic person, but this is a materialistic world......there is nothing i can do without money......money to exchange for simulation(simulcra and simulation)......if my A lvl results sucks.........and can't get into a Cash Cow course.....i just have to retake during NS, or after NS............theres just no solution for getting away from needing money..........society is this retarded........and everything above no. 4 may need money........

having these shallow resolutions in life.......i feel as if my mind's been derailed, but having more options in life................simply.............give me more choices la..........i will not be forced into a corner where i have no choice and regret.............of course, every step of the way, every decision you make will give regret, but the premise of satisfaction, even if it does not exist, is what keeps us going rite?...hope?.........

i will listen to others more, try not so sound smarter than the ppl next to me......be a non-conformist that accepts conformity...anti-social that accepts society....be selfless, but accept selfishness of others.....do not become one of the irritable social ills...........profits come in many forms..... -------> a tree stands in your way, walk round it......a strong gust of wind, wait for it to past.......

6) be a humbled open book of blank pages.......................

now i'm driving myself nuts......thats it for now......

a fresh breath.....finally.

2008-01-01T23:35:00.000+08:00

Thank God for finally giving me something that i want.............finally a mountain to climb........

This present, this gift, this toy.....i left it in its box...too afraid?....unprepared to open it........just calming my nerves before i open it......just admiring the edges and ribbons of the box.....cos when i finally open it, i wanna embrace it with ALL my heart....

Just For Whines

2007-12-27T00:21:00.000+08:00

ah.....genius....flawless...as soon as i heard about what jh said....immediately..........i knew................. i can't think of words to use right now, can't form sentences.....i'm really tired......

it may seem stupid to everyone......but i knew its this mix of unreal with real, bringing fantasy into reality......reality as we know it...is boring......everything she does is an outcry of exaggeration which may be carefully planned....this exaggeration, this behaviour is the promise of fantasy,absent in reality, draws ppl in...

i was once a critic...............for being too easy.....but by playing innocence......you can get out of any situation................just like what Sai said in 'Naruto', "A smile can help you out of any difficult situations."

Just as love seem like magic, it is not.....its more like a magic trick......which realistically, is not magic....when we watch david blane perform his magic tricks, we are swayed into believeing it is true, even when its not...even when we have doubts....but we have already been tricked by the magic trick, we can't see how the magic is done.....only way of knowing, is not to fall into the trick in the first place....after falling into it, you can't tell it apart, whether its sincere or not, real or fake.............

which leads me to the next point, ppl say i'm emo, but from what i hear of others...the inverse is more likely true...such glorified perceptions of love..............nothing i say, if explicit and direct, can change it............persuasion is a hard tool to yield......i can only listen.........

Thought of the week: God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we listen to others twice as much as we speak...........

trying to abide by this rule for a few months now................unfortunately its a rule no one follows....perhaps besides speaking more than we listen to others, we also listen more to ourselves and our own thoughts.......this along with being selfconcious like i talked about so much in previous posts......i'm aware of it when i do so.........this is the next step in helping myself............directing that attention outward instead of inward...........................

This new year's eve will be the worst one yet.............i will be working....i thought it would be a great job....turns out, nothing is at good as it looks...........to reiterate my point, fantasy can serve all kinds of purposes including making shit look good....however, no one can escape from reality, well, maybe you can hide... 'No Smint, No Kiss'.......thats the advertisers message.....but when you have Smint, you won't necessarily have a kiss.......talked about this before as well...won't waste time on it again.............

Basically, I'm stuck in an underpass for 7 hours, from 6 pm to 1 am from newyear's eve till past new year......of the 20 locations, i have to get the very single one that is in an underpass.......where no one passes by.............and being right under where all the fireworks are happening.....i won't get to see a shit....ppl will be counting down, i'll be isolated in that stupid underpass.........for 7 dollars an hour...

I'll be working around raffles and cityhall area.....near esplanade and fullerton.....for this company doing market research on fireworks........on new year's eve.....the bad news is......i won't be on the ground, i'll be UNDERGROUND......i can't see fireworks....worse, i can't see anyone.....from 6pm to 1am!!!! i thought heaven is playing tricks on me.....he is picking on me....i'll be all alone.....and the employer says you can listen to mp3 while working..........i have no mp3.....i've never thought of a good use of the mp3 player, except situations like the one i'm in now.......

i'll be in the underpass....standing up for 7 hours......counting the no. of ppl who walk pass me from one direction......and since it is so out of the way near raffles mrt....far from the crowd at esplanade.....i'll be totally bored.... Its this stupid underpass leading to One Marina Boulevard and One Raffles Quay, (where the fuck?!).....supposedly, if you walk from esplanade along the bridge to fullerton, and keep straight, you're suppose to reach this ulu underpass.... near raffles place mrt i suppose?

i can't see shit from down here.....everyone else gets to see fireworks!......omg.......this is how i'll spend the last few hours of 2007 and the first hour of 2008.....away from all my friends......i should watch 'I am Legend' to find out how Will Smith would cope with being alone and all..........

how i wish at least i have a dog(or cat?) with me like Will Smith had...

well, fireworks typically brings ppl out of their homes and into town......it is the reason why the goverment bothers spending millions of dollars on the fireworks.......ppl have to pay for public transport......and parking fees if you're parking your car.........this coupled with the multiplier effect....when you're out, you're bound to get thirsty or hungry, and you spend some money here and there.......this also increase the likelihood of ppl shopping, thus increases the no. of ppl shopping..........again, referring to chemistry, there is increase in no. of effective collisions.....all this more than recoup the losses by the goverment for spending it on fireworks.....since there is gst tagged on everysingle thing.......this market research that i'm helping to do, probably helps them estimate the amt of money that could be earned from having fireworks, and the amt they can spend on fireworks.....

........................................................

*CLosing of red curtains and the green monster comes out...*
"Mummy! Its Over!"

Season greetings

2007-12-24T14:20:00.000+08:00

its christmas eve.....i'm begginging to feel that new year blues already...........this sick chill deep inside that constantly knocks on your door that the year is about the end....reminding you of all the things, the miserly things that i failed to do...how i failed to live this year fruitfully, fufillingly...

i've got nothing much else to say really......all the unhappiness, everything thats not going my way, that i'm not satisfied with, they are merely small things that wouldn't matter in the long run.......

its times like these that music manages to lift these weights off my shoulders........ah....was sitting in the back seat of amanda's car just two days ago, with jiayang.....there was this song that played on the radio, 98.7fm......... 1 2 3 4 - feist........ hmmm..how should i say this...the song struck a chord with me?..... to be played on the radio must mean that it is pretty mainstream....read up on the net then realised it was used in an ipod(nano?) commercial...which led to its commercial success......well, shes nominated for some grammy awards, including best newcomer.....well, only that she's released many albums already before this....

anyways, i guess i'm head over heels with her, this woman.....and her songs....if its not for her, i would be feeling absolute emo right now.......and she is part of a bigger band as well.......shoegaze, alternative........stuff.... will surely get some of her albums...

so as a 'gift' to all of you who happen to pass by this blog.....heres a live video of 2 songs....its to the left of this window where all the vids are.....well, if you think you're open to new stuff, and basically have not watched any of the vids i've posted, don't pause this....--------------->

really postively excited about the work on new year's eve and entering ns.......because everything else has became boring.......going out everyday, besides the eyecandy, is just pointless...will have a christmas celebration of sorts...so gonna leave soon to buy presents...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

How do you clear a fucking oilspill?

2007-12-20T11:59:00.000+08:00

Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer

2007-12-19T22:54:00.000+08:00

Here i am again.....i'm sick of blogging, but i still do it..haha...was reading thru some of my posts, a friend or two keep saying that my blog is damn emo...i don't get it.....its not that emo at all...blogging has becomed a habit for me already, when i read thru my entries...i thought they were worthless..... random words from someone who just has to pour out everything from his mind or it will just build up and stress me up inside...theres this urge constantly to write, type........i've watched on nat geo that mentally ill patients also have these symptoms....their head is filled with too much crap, that they can't sleep and just have let it all out....but i don't think i'm to that extent...so much so, that i wasn't going to type anything today...but still i have nothing to do.....hopefully i get to play a game of dota later on...

why do ppl say this stupid blog is emo, when its not that emo.....maybe they see it as an desperate attempt from an emo to not be emo and be happy...these only makes it more emo......well, ever since the first entry, foundations of this blog is built with emo...so emo, i'm ashamed.....

theres just nothing in this world to be happy about is there?......maybe as children........we can amuse ourselves with toys.......that feeling of novelty exist with everything you do.....but once you become an adult, unfortunately.......we are waiting for pleasure.... we cannot obtain it by ourselves.....

TRAUMA!!!

2007-12-18T14:03:00.000+08:00

you no need to be raped, no need to have a car crash to have trauma.......i've been rather disturbed recently over the simplest of things.........maybe its the really 'late nights'/dawn that i'm feeling so tired that ihave to have these 'nightmares'.........scientifically,(not sure) dreams come to ppl as the mind is too tired and needs rest.....but since it cannot shut itself or the heart, lungs, stomach, kidney..........all these organs will stop to function......dreams ensures that the mind continues to run by simulating itself??????? involuntary mental masturba*$&%...lol

anyway, have been haunted by these horrific images in my sleep...these images, the evil wide grin...everytime i wake up, i hardly recall them....but sometimes, out of the blue, it comes back to me while i'm concious, these images appear in my head in the day, and i'm confuse as i cannot tell if it these things happened in my dream or in reality for that few seconds...until i remembered i saw it from a dream......but it was also all the resultof the horrific images i saw in the day that seeped deep in my mind, to the back of my head......that they resurface in my sleep.........but with 10x the maliciousness than the pure form that it supposedly is...

meaningless meaningful

2007-12-17T23:16:00.000+08:00

just when you think something is meaningful, the next second that same thing feels meaningless....felt like this when i was on the bus home, recalling the events that happened today...i felt contended, that it was all so interesting, the deluge of ideas that came pouring out.....but a split second later, i felt all these thoughts makes no significance.....can't really define why, i just felt that way.............

its like finally realising something, enlightenment........coming to one's senses, being disillusioned....but really, when disillusioned, you're just falling into another illusion.

ah....these doubts......i imagine the conflicts that the guy, who later attained nirvana to become buddha, had when he sat under the bodhi tree to ponder on the truth.....but how did he came to accept that the 'truth' was truth, that it was absolute? and the 'truth' was, that the meaning to life is that its meaningless.....its merely a passing....and everyone ends up dead...

junhui, i have a gift for you.....

doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts
doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts
doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts

the punks who thought of the punk fashion.....was disillusioned with the social structure..too much conformity restricted freedom, liberty....but by trying to deprive himself of it, he restricted himself the chance to conform...not only that, he went against what he stood for...to be non-conformist is simply to conform to non-conformity......like andrew mentioned.....to not believe in God, is a religion on its own.....as it is a belief that God or gods, semi gods, demi gods, omni gods do not exist......

PARADOX

ok........above are just mindless ramblings.....paradoxes happen EVERYTIME.....so it does not take one to spot it...........i think i've mention it again and again.....so i will not do it this time... with ppl, they appear strong in areas that they are most weak.... to cover these weaknesses........when you see someone trying so hard to be happy, it only makes the whole scenario look worst to the thirdparty, because it seems so sad..........

ah............thats it........its meaningless...i give up....out of the blue, i just feel too lazy to type anything......i'll stop here....bet that happens everytime too...

No starry eyed surprise...

2007-12-14T02:30:00.000+08:00

oh well......i just go so bored.......was reminded by the internet that there was going to be meteor showers over the next few days.............i reminded daniel...and he led me to these webbie by singaporeans on celestial events visible in singapore........the geminids, as it is called since it appears to radiate from the gemini 'constellation'(did i get this rite?)..........

i was quite sure that i wouldn't be able to see anything, and in the end i didn't see anything....but i held high hopes and decided to head out of the house to check it out around 1am...

this is a shit illustration i drew with microsoft paint.....and i think that is why only at midnight or past midnight that meteors can be seen...as the earth intercepts the meteors path head on...with the meteors crashing into earth's atmosphere.......

as i stepped out of my house...i took a long long walk to jurong point 7 11....to get a drink.....and took a long walk back to the other 711 at a petrol kiosk......all the time walking with my head tilted upwards to gaze at the sky...........its probably too bright in singapore to see anything.....so bright that there are low crime rates in signapore.....but i thought...if i could see stars, surely i could also see the meteors........as i walked to the other 711.......i bought snacks and more drinks......and continue walking...i decided its better to stop walking and just sit somewhere and concentrate....but at the busstop, there was sheltar over my head.........there is this mini 'colosseum' thingy....but it was too brightly lit as well...then found this barbeque pit area, but there were just trees blocking the way.argh......as i strolled i finally thought of the idea of going to the highest level of the multi story carpark, where there will be nothing over my head, and where it is still brightly lit, but dimmer than most other areas........i stepped into the lift of the multi story carpark and pressed 6.........it is so quiet everywhere, though i'm use to staying out late, the lift is moving exteremly slowly.....its not exactly been serviced regularly i guess...it creaks and moves up really slowly.......worst....the doors have glass panels which allows you to look out of the lift.....which makes it even creepier since the lift moves so freaking slow, which gives you enough time to concentrate on whats out, enough for something bad to appear just rite outside the door...........

well was just exaggerating....wasn't that scaredy cat, was at ease the whole time, but the thought did cross my mind.......as i was up there, there was only one silver parked car up there.....wondered if anyone was inside having car sex or what......there was vandalism everywhere......i found a spot, a blind spot where ppl in their hdb flats could not see......incase the found me suspicious and decided to call the police.....but...what crime can you possible commit on a the god-forsaken-highest-level of the carpark.......there was this satanic drawing on the ground.....that star, pentagram or something...forgot how it looked...with somewords on the edges............but it doesn't look the least frightening....because it is so sloppy.........ppl who want to communicate with the dead or devil should at least draw a neat diagram......, a perfect circle.......

stood about 20 mins up there.......no sign of any meteors..............saw some stars....but there were few.....by right, the sky should be littered with stars...but since it is so bright from where i am, i probably can see anything, except the dark outerspace.........just like on concert stages you know......the lightings the lights the stage is so strong, that it is so bright at the stage...and if you happen to be on the stage......and where the audience are, it is dark......the musicians,entertainers can't see any audience at all..........so actually when pop stars wave to their fans in their concerts...they can't actually see their fans at all..........theri waving at darkness......

i was spinning in circles on that very spot.....scanning the sky from one part to another...the sky, too big for the eyes to capture .......at one point i saw something flash past for a split second...but i'm pretty sure it was just my imagination...or a reflection of light on my spectacles or something........

gave up....and left.....................sigh...how uniteresting..................i need to learn more about astronomy before i ever hope to see these things...........

No such thing

2007-12-09T23:31:00.000+08:00

fret not....its not the end of the world..........no one's going anywhere........

i really have nothing to do.......i guess i should really spend time working towards the things that would help my life instead of really doing nothing productive......theres no point in finding a job, its not like i do not have money to spend.....and it will only be 4 weeks or so before enlistment..... so what will it be????

well, its always better to look ahead, the long term goals.......pick myself up instead of looking back and dwindle..........

i'm in that once-in-a-lifetime moment in life.....where i have nothing to do...what better time than to start an adventure.......work towards something the heart desires......

.............................................i'll be back...........

Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt.....

2007-12-05T07:19:00.000+08:00

felt like i've carved my entire heart out and threw it into singapore river........there's only one thing that kept me looking back....

"to protect the ones you love(?), you must willing to stab yourself in gut(?)."........i rmb something along those lines, when hiro nakamura received an epiphany, when training with his father.....i didn't see the connection...i till i realise.....ohhhhhhhh....simply to make sacrifices la if you protect whatever.....

did that sacrifice just happened......or was it an act of cowardice?.....

i was late for prom.....lol......later than even the principal.....i think she enterered around 1945.....i was right behind her....so i decided to go to the toilet before entering the ballroom.....i thought maybe they were having some vip welcome for mrs tan....don't think they had later.........
well........out of all the things in the world........i've been trying very hard to spot and eliminate these insecurities, so much so that i see other ppls insecurities......obvious or vague........there she was............i walked right past, not realising it was all an instinctive act of fear.......until later...not sure if i was down at all later, i think i manage to distract myself.....and since i agreed not to think about it.....(again, another act of fear...avoidance......)

enjoyed most of prom anyway.......not that there isn't anything thats bad, but those weren't important when the main thing was to everyone else out of uniforms and behaving like 'adults'...lol......prom and post-prom party were sorta rites of passage for many i guess....to me, i saw much less meaning in it, its about having fun......

well, couldn't stop rushing to the toilet again and again...lol...i think i went about 5 to 6 times....(maybe not that much....).....at a point of time..... what she did......and when she did, my body frozed, my mind frozed....i wasn't nervous or what.....tooked me by surprise......its like my 'soul' popped out that moment and took 3 steps away from its container........????fear????..i went as quickly as i could......and thought nothing about it......again, until much later.......was she communicating????....

doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts my doubts doubts doubts your doubts doubts doubts....
doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts my doubts doubts doubts your doubts doubts doubts....
doubts doubts doubts doubts doubts my doubts doubts doubts your doubts doubts doubts....

i've never been this uncomfortable with anybody before....but ever since 'word' 'word' 'word' 'judge' '8 points x triple word score'...........................krytonite appeared in the human form........every encounter chiseled onto stone panels in my head........

watching her walk away.....'a stab in the gut, stab in the heart'........only it wasn't any noble sacrifice......i was mercy killing myself......spare myself from all of it...(all of what? i don't know...seems like nothing.....just fear)

not to worry about this emoness.....it will fade along with the hundreds of entries i currently have in this blog.............

anyway, more about prom.......gabriel won....i wasn't rooting for him or what since all of us knew the guys up there, but i knew he would have won and he did..........was rooting for jamie(having only heard her name today, lol...)to win prom queen, took sometime before i recognised who she was.....everyone was saying she was someone they never saw...thats what i thought, until i realised..oh...she wore spectacles in school....
no luck with luckydraw......time passes really fast...it was over 12am after all the photos....took quite a number of photos, don't know where they'll end up.....lol.......

took a walk to clarke quay.....well, it was good thing the party was in a small club...that way everyone could be with everyone else.....chipping in and sharing jugs.....'ah come come come..drink...'..taking really big gulps of all of it lol....it just felt really stupid and fun at the same time.....wow the effect was great....within 2 to 3 mins.........went out for a walk with bah....and it begin to set in....got a little dizzy for only about 10 mins..........the live band started playing 'hella good' and i was outside....as i sat at the chairs outside with bah, there were couple of ppl ppl black out and and drop dead on the floor, ppl had to drag them around, told myself better not drink too much,i don't know how much i can take in the first place, don't wanna be dragged home.....went back in.....after the band stopped playing...it got so bored...and friends of friends came to offer to share drinks again.......pull in some money, and there you have it....more beverage for fools' consumption lol...was sniggering to myself a couple of times, cos all of it seemed so hopelessly random.................

anyway, this is singapore, most of us will probably run into one another one way or another........there's some consolation...

Conformity....damn it my mum pissed me off again..

2007-12-03T15:50:00.000+08:00

Can't stand my parents again................i've probably posted once or twice on arguments on how i've disagreed with my parents views....today once again....i'll never know, whos the one thats naive.........argh......got into this heated argument about conformity with both my parents and my grandmother.....it irritates me......my siblings which are very much older than me, my sis and to a lesser extent my bro, have influenced, imparted, nurtured ideals of non-conformity from a very young age.....that i oppose pop and mainstream since preschool......

but my parents.....even much much older.....and a grandmother whos older than most grandparents of ppl my age......just keep preaching about how we should be like everybody else, and not try to be different...there is nothing from my parents that i have learnt, because of them i love nothing in this world, and learn to hate everything......

...my mum was like saying really loudly 'ru guo niu shi ba sian de ren shi zhe yang de, ni wei she me yao bu tong ge ren jia jue de ni qi guai...' (if 90% of ppl are like that, why do you want to look different and be thought of as a weird.....)...."kan ni jie jie jiu hao.....da de tou fa 'highlight' ye bu hui 'highlight'.....ying gai highlight yi liang tiao jiu gou le......ren jia bu jue de ta cool ah....jue de da xiang yao guai"........(look at your sis, don't know how to highlight hair, highlight so much, should just highlight one or 2 streaks.........ppl don't htink she's cool, shes a freak.).................i was cursing my mum inside siah.....i told her what she watches on television are mando pop from taiwan and hongkong, only ah lians highlight one or 2 streaks.....in america and uk.......its not that lian....."ni you bu shi ang moh"........(you are not ang moh).......i interrupted her halfway...and preached to her about what our ministers say, or even what the greeks have mention that democracy assumes ppl to know whats best for them.....if not it crumbles........the ministers in singapore have quoted this and say that in singapore ppl do not know whats best and that we need a one party goverment, leaders to guide the flock of brainless sheep.....

then my grandmother "ni kan (my uncle)...da yi qian bi ye dian li de shi hou, chuan xi zhuang, ma you chuan pi xue, chuan po po lan lan de xue, ge (his father) ma..." my uncle who probably graduated around the 70s, wore some sneakers(should be converse or nike or something)....while wearing the 'university scholar' dress (the blue out fit, with the square hat..)............heard this story a few times.....and been recently brought up also because he just passed away......really young.....i was thinking to myself, either on purpose or not.....its really cool, and its replicated in movies all the time.....

my parents was like whining about their years of experience again..that 60 years they've seen this and that....i told them the fact that they've been around for over 60 years meant that 10 years would have not have mattered and would have seemed like a wisp of smoke.....while i've been around for 18 years, and 10 years to me is almost my entire life if you disregard childhood, which more or less is spent bumping around like being on estasy.................10 years of my life, is a big portion of my existence......i told them that i would be more aware and noticed the changes so much more than they would.....10 years ago..........9 out of 10 ppl spotted centre partings........bengs look like bengs................when a friend of my sis, had long spikes of hair, inspired by the liberty spikes doo of sid vicious and he inspired by the statue of liberty, my mum was like teasing and teasing about it........saying that its durian head and all......NOW.....9 out of 10 have spiky hair......and the ah bengs and mats dress as if singapore was london in the late 70s.....also.....the gothic style that my sis had 10 years ago.....she was artistic and drew only vampires elves, anything fantasy..........and my mum was telling me that its not that she wants to be different.....she is hallucinating, imagine being a monster...........NOW........though that style is still rare, and that its been polluted by japanese culture into lolita fetishes.........emo, a sub-genre of goth rock is on the rise................black nail polish, eye liner, and that long fringe is merely derivative of goth........ultra emo ppl cut themselves and write emo poems.........goths are the extreme, who organise ritual suicides in groups, chanting poems in graveyards.......

everything my mum condemned,condemns, and will condemn in future, ended up in mainstream culture, glamourised and commercialise for profiteering.........if the 90% of the ppl had the foresight of that 10% of ppl.......and realise from the start its non-conformity not conformity and the need to fit in(that ppl still don't realise now)...........the world will be filled with more colours............

it kind of started with the clothes that i bought, then she wa telling me how i should wear them...and i was telling her....no......

and no, i won't look out of the ordinary for prom............

Shoppers' paradise......a pain in the ass

2007-12-02T23:54:00.000+08:00

its the first time shopping with an agenda.....with things in mind to buy.....and it is serious hell.....

my brain runs like a tortise.

2007-12-01T21:29:00.000+08:00

i'm beggining to seriously wonder why my brain processes things at such amazingly slow rates.....i feel absolute guilt in having to take pride in this...the psle, i can accept that i didn't finsih it, maybe because i was a bit slower then others.......through out secondary school.....i did not complete any timed assignment, timed tests, timed quizzes, timed examinations on time before.........its not that i don't remember ever completing a paper, but i...never did.....i just always thought ppl completed it fast but they weren't half as cautious as i am......and that questions were hard and required some form of thinking, so i justified all the time that i took to process stuff as thinking...and when i couldn't finish its because i didn't practise enough.............

but now.....easy cheesy SAT has proven me wrong.....i excused myself for the english parts....i am slow because i don't read that much.....i am slow, because i am not ang moh, and i don't perfect sentence structures and use the right words all the time that i need time to comprehend sometimes..................BUT THE MATHS.............its basically psle maths, with bits of secondary school elementary math...............the things where you look at it, don't think, and just do...........but i think from time to time.......and ididn't complete it either......what good is a brain if it runs like a steam locomotive.............................in this era of high speed high this and that......my old and and feeble 'brian' shall be cast aside.......seriously, its never been a problem to any of you.....i'm the only example i've met in my entire life that thinks this slow......'best at what i do worst'.....................if only if only...........i will be hugely disadvantaged whether in future education or career...........but i hope to bet on the 'fact' that heaven and nature is fair.....that if i'm weak at something, i'm stronger in other things.............................................

OH well.........for the upcoming prom, though i'm not looking forward to it......cos i'm guessing its going to be real boring.......it didn't stop me in revelling in idle daydreaming of dressing in high fashion and stuff......well not exactly high fashion......had some ideas....and this ethereal need of having to proclaim certain cultures or subcultures....and remembered i contradicted what i firmly stand against....thought i wanting to dress this and that, look like this and that.........but it suddenly boiled down to me that......ITS JUST PROM........not even gonna talk about poseuring.....i'm not in france or uk, though i hope i was, in singapore........fashion in singapore is to go with the flow, being prudish, materialism and consumerism....tastes are altered and angled at whats mainstream......maybe i'm envious because i have no money................well, to make sure i don't overdress, or look like sloppy shit......i'm going with formal all over.....with the blazer.....oh...yeah.....Codename 47 was my idol since the demo of hitman 2 and one of the best soundtracks like games such as starcraft or redalert.....well.....i have 2 days and a half including tues to get my stuff...........finally!!!!! a really bad and lame excuse to be donning a suit in tropical singapore.....hope my filthily high paying job in future requires me to wear suits and meet clients..........

everything else in my life that is not superficial.....is currently at standstill.....

what makes me tick..

2007-11-28T19:41:00.000+08:00

Away to think of things and sort things out................

How to stop an exploding man

2007-11-26T16:28:00.000+08:00

its about one week since 'freedom', not that long ago..............from that day on, i've been living like a vampire.......for an entire week, partly because i do 'not' have the choice , sleeping at 4 or 5 am everyday... and today i slept at 8 am until 4 pm...its physically tormenting not to sleep.........

i pledge to not go out for the next few days and stay at home and sleep.............or reach home before 12am.........its not so much that i do not have a choice to go home and sleep, just that whenever i'm out, there is no bed with me........

this week, do the things i NEED to do..........
---------------------------------------------------------

oh no...i've got it all wrong...........i'm reverting to this person that i do not want to be....no more no more no more about me...............before i return to sort out my life, and meet my objectives...first let me finish watching heroes....before i think through this..........or i'll forever be damned, stupid dumb..............the world will be coated with plastic.......

i don't care what .....................................we've become all too selfish with mememememememe..............and now i need to question this.....the y generation supposedly the sad generation has no good reason to be sad even though there is an excuse for it...................................................................................

fatigue fatigue fatigue

2007-11-22T01:15:00.000+08:00

i'm damn tired..............should have rested more......and not staying out so much.........

i call it the 'post-exam-depression'....'pregnancy' has ended....but i there's nothing to look forward to now....its only a day after the last paper but it felt like it was 3 days, or a week has passed already..........

ahhhhhhhh....lets see....can't count on my luck these days.........its been fluctuating in extremes since yesterday.....but well, the bad luck seems to be affecting those around me as well...haha.....

decided to go island creameries after dinner last night because we had nothing much to do...and partly cos we were still hungry after having pizza at spizza....we decided not to order anymore and save our precious stomach space for other stuff.......when we dropped off at the nearest stop to serene centre......it was already raining.....ah....and everyone was either sick, tired, and pissed or something.......when we got to the shop....it was fuLL! on a week day........well, half expected it to be full since ice cream parlours like these are always full......they seem to offer a cosier ambience compared to chains like ben and jerry's, haagendaz..........so we settled for MACDONALDS...haha..omg.............weijun bought an icecream cone.......and was complaining about how little and distorted it was served.......after which he dropped it.........later when me and wj wanted to head to kh house on foot, it freaking started to pour again......we took a taxi anyway...........this morning, i got bitten by some flying insect, kh slipped and fell as we were walking to ngee ann poly's busstop....and a gigantic red ant fell on me in the bus.......what a Series of Unfortunate Events........

oh well, on the lighter side of things, got to hang out with friends, and bumped into many familliar faces.................. finally without having something like a lvls ever creeping at the back my head ever again.......... unless i should retake it next year?!

Book of truths.....

2007-11-16T23:13:00.000+08:00

Isn't this merely merely merely a 'dopamine rush'?

Sometimes my really old parents(well all adults do......) go on and on about how much they've been through in life to be able to understand the entirety, triviality, unknown corners of whatever they claim to know.......

they'll say soemthing like " i'm a very good judge of character." or "bu ting lao ren yan, chi kui zai yan qian"...or "i can relate well to what his going through now.."..or even some elevated sixth sense that they believed they've developed through maturity.....and when soemthing they say actually turns out true, it only serves in reinforcing their...............ignorance.................bullshit...

they(adults) think their years of experience give them answers to everything, and they stop to learn even if they make a mistake......what i wanna say is, its this 'uncertainty' in everything...

.....'fog-of-war'......

(from wiki):
The fog of war is a term used to describe the level of ambiguity in situational awareness experienced by participants in military operations
The term "fog of war" has become jargon in military and adventure video and computer games, in the more limited sense of enemy units or characters being hidden from the player.

in turn, i'll sound ignorant as well for doubting their 'years of experience' or pure luck...but as GP students, maturity certainly does not come with age........i would usually pass off their unwanted, unsightful advice.....in my head, music and books will tell what i know....whether art, through the eyes of others, i will actually get the answers i'm seeking, i'll never know either.......

well for me, i'll always always try to listen harder to my mind......cause at least it seeks outs the most realistic perspectives.......oftimes, emotions only gets in the way, it confuses you to no end.........and sometimes i can't tell whether its my heart or my mind leading the way, whether i'm being realistic or completely ridiculous.....you won't know whether you're thinking straight most of the time...cos the heart(emotions) and mind are really just our brain.............we won't know whether our opinions are subjective or objective, whether these opinions are meddled with by our emotions.....(i'm not trying to get any point across here...these are just what i think.)

this guy, Sigmund Freud, well known psychologist....a jew (why are the jews so smart..).....says(my interpretation) that sex is the primary motivation in life, that whatever we do ultimately is to obtain sex...thru money or power........

many people doubt him.............and i have doubts about it too.....but i wonder if he himself had any doubts about it....and if he had no doubts about his own theories, could he be subjective? since this great need in him to convince ppl about his theories may only bring in his moods and emotions into the picture and make him less objective even when he is trying to be as realistic as possible by saying sex and procreation is all there is to life...

and those ppl who doubt him....are they also being subjective.....they would never want to believe something as 'real' as that....no one would want to hear that his purpose in life was to have sex......well, and also because for the ones who aren't getting any sex, they are pathetic and purposeless if it was true........i guess everyone, and maybe God planned it that way that, we would rather accept something as fantastic as "Love makes the world go round"....or "A hungry lover is better than a rich loner.." <---made this one my self..lolol.............well, the idea of love..........whats love...all that jizz up there today leads to this......my thesis statement--->...love is not fragile, cos love may not even exist....

i think my parents got married about 20 plus.......they to each other was the first and only relationship they ever had...yet they try to preach to me about what is love from time to time like they've had many partners in life.....everyone have their own ideas and concepts about love, but when they try to like pile it on you with tonnes and tonnes of their fantastical, 'through rose-tinted glasses' perceptions of love as the absolute...........agitates me a little............hmmmmmmmm.....to think of it now......everytime when someone tries to convince one, by speaking clearly, even by pouring out all the justifiable evidence, even when its true....we will not be convinced until we are to see if for ourselves firsthand......(no wonder i'm so bad in convincing ppl, and ppl only disagree with what i have to say...bad persuasion methods imparted unconciously from my parents....)

anyway,
is love finding 'Neo'?....is love finding your other half?... is love the compatibility of two signs on the astrology charts..?

well, i'll go into my own experience........ if all these that i've felt is love, then love doesn't really exist.....if love exist, then i guess i haven't had the luxury of having found true love yet....

hmm....i guess i don't really wanna say this after all......and in plain view......
the clown story which was left unfinished before the a lvls, when all that action unfolds....i'll be able to camoflage and express my view through it..... all these was actually what the clown story was about in the first place..

until then, its more things left unsaid and unfinished....

on a side note, i just can't shut up.....when something contradictory of whatever someone else perceives to be true happens.....i can't help myself but say 'see, i told you so...'.........sorry to all the silent enemies that i've made.....

AhHHHHh i'm so bored...

2007-11-15T00:02:00.000+08:00

time to whine again....i'm so bored...someone please rescue me........... i forsee myself being really bored after the exams.....oh man......i've got many plans though, but i don't think it would help much in making me less bored......since most of it are just plans for self-development, well everything we do must have benefits rite?......

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........the future is bleak.....................national service in january..........not that i want it any later............oh well, there really nothing to look forward to..........

and my a lvl results won't be that great either......... i don't want to go into the distant future.....

how about now, whats next..............don't remember worrying so much over what to do during the holidays...its like having my mid-life crisis...........well, having a 'mid-life crisis' wouldn't be so bad either, at least i'll start to take my life more seriously and plan................

i have exactly 7 weeks to live life in nitro........considering the exams have ended today..(2 more mcqs...)....live like a spppeeeeeeeeeed demon............just while and daydream it away? or find some purpose in life?....oh yeah my incurable influenza!!!!!!!!!!!!........i really will not be able to do much over the next few weeks if i don't heal............i better go and sleep.........or i'll die from flu..........

Give and be nice, learn to play nice.

2007-11-12T17:20:00.000+08:00

its been a long time since i posted something......was exactly last week rite...hmm......time passed quickly especially when its been so stale recently...the a lvls..oh man......never in my life have i thought so much about what i wanna do for the rest of my life...the a lvls really determines what you do in future, esp if you aspire to be a doctor or lawyer...........if i could enter one of these professions i surely would, but i don't think i'll be able to handle the stress as a doctor or lawyer, if i can't even swift through my studies without hassle or stress........doctor, study till you're 30 before you can begin your career.....what happens then during 20-30, well its not a big deal if you know your calling in life is to be a doctor, to save lives, esp those living in poverty.....i always had the idea that a doctor would want to go to africa and save all those ppl........if its your calling...good....

i mean....ppl think that when your in your 20s, you would be living the high life, prowling clubs or just while life away with friends......but when you're in your 20s, its really the period in your life when the rat race is most intense.....after graduation....you'll working your way up, climbing the coporate ladder, and hopefully earn lots of money......

its whats been going through my mind recently,........no one thinks about it really until one actually reaches the crossroads, ok ppl like me at least.....i guess there are ppl already corusing towards their goals in life since primary school..........the course that i'll end up in with the grades i'll be getting in my a lvls....hopefully i'll get into a course that i want...if not i'll most probably retake my a lvls......

and i can't seem to decide what i want to do in life............i haven't had any workshadowing experience that some got to go through....most of us don't even know the things that we'll be learning in a university course will be like, and some already know what they want to do....i haven't worked part-time.........the experience i have of life as an adult is probably through the television...i guess no one will know what they're going to go through until they're going through it.............so i guess i just want to earn lots of money......until i can decide what i want to do in life............change the world perhaps? or just pursue the luxuries and vices........*yawn*......

i think its good i seriously considering my 'destiny' if i'm not just going to die young.........i think many ppl don't really look that far ahead either.....we just do whats there for us to do...whats expected, whats required......not all doctors or lawyers aspired to be one from a young age......they probably just ended up there too.......of course, they have cleared their examinations
with or without hardwork.........

i just want lots of money..........if only i was a genius at something, a highly talented teenage hacker, gamer, musician or even physicist or something....

well, and if i don't stand up and do something about it, like organise my life or something, i probably won't be earning lots of money when i'm at my 30s.!....been taking it all too easy all this while........

Please let me walk out of here alive.....

2007-11-05T14:25:00.000+08:00

nows not the time to be whining.......

oh my god...............i'm F-I-N-I-S-H-E-D...................i screwed up my chem paper 3......don't even know what i was doing...felt like i sleep-walked into the examination.....i scored 2 marks in 20 mins....i think.......i was one and a half questions behind.........make that about 2 out of 4 questions........if i still want an A..........i think i still have 7 days exactly to make it up............i wonder if its possible...............................

retake A lvls.....i wonder if i need to do PW and mother tongue all over again................oh shit...........................

The whole world told me i had only one chance, it was I who didn't listen............

To dedicate and not escape........is really hard.

2007-11-03T18:39:00.000+08:00

I'm easy prey for distraction.....its really hard to not resort to escapism when the pressure these days are building up high and thick....argh.....must constantly remind myself of my piorities, and not squander my time away......which i did a couple of times the past week, which i could have used to revise and futher assure myself of a better grade.......

i'm gonna give myself 10 mins now, before sinking back into my books....ahhhhh........

slacked the entire day yesterday, cos i was quite confident of my chem, and having covered everything....but realised today that i really must go through all the notes and do some practices.......or i'll be whipped into paste on monday......

ok, i succeeded in warming my seat for 3 hours just now without going thru much......argh........better get my engine running before i regret it.....

just can't stop thinking of all the unnecessary things.......should put the world behind me now, where everything should just vanish except me my books and the examination.............

outta here...........

*transported to another dimension.....the fifth dimension of space-time-study..*

GP paper 1: Question 13) "You screwed up your life" Explain.

2007-10-31T14:31:00.000+08:00

State 2 advantages with the polar orbital and the geostationary orbital.

Polar orbital 1: Witness the icecaps melting, see the expanding hole in the ozone layer.

Polar orbital 2: See the polar bears struggle to survive as they drown in ice.

Geostationary orbital 1: Spy on the entrance of the cave that Osama Bin Laden is resting in.

Geostationary orbital 2: Watch porn on satellite tv.

I screwed my physics paper 3 and i guessed i screwed my gp too.....give me 1 year, and i might not even know the advantages of these orbits.........except for something junhui said today, which i could bearly remember..... anyway, i realised that if i gave any of those examples up there...i could have gotten 4 full marks for that section....arghhh...i don't want to go on about how there are so many application questions but none that we learn about in school......practice what.....

My gp essay is lacking in scope.....this i know...i just realised all the various perspectives that i could have added to improve the essay on advertising..........and i didn't of think of all these factors in that one and a half hourse until now..........besides advertising there are still so many things that affect consumer choice......but of course since advertising is the culprit, i could have tied it all these to advertisements, but i didn't....and that probably showed the examiners how blinded i was to the tricks up their sleeves.....argh!!!!!!......i wanted to go into celebrity endorsements and gore on cigarette boxes, but i thought it was too shallow............or rather, i would not have enough time..... the whole point on how advertisements seduce the entire public, this i did not write......shit on me...........why every one buys PSPs, iPods, that Little Miss series is really only one character, little miss prudish. shirts, bell-shaped hairs, NUM apparel, New urbanmale which really is new urban prude..............the need to integrate or differentiate....the need to have what everyone has....sigh..........how advertising changed the world into poseur world! ahhhhhhh.........how underground indie labels are really commercialised and worn by ahbengs.......

well i hope the points i brought up are sufficient.....too late...............

then comes gp paper 2......not women's rights again.....how many times do we have to go through this?!....yes....women already won...............why the fuss.......we should be talking about gay rights which is really neglected and suppressed way more than women...........the reason why men and women still do not have equal social statuses because we are termed 'men' and 'women'.......why do men have to be gentlemens when it further distances itself from equality...why do we open doors, carry their stuff, hold the umbrella when we're with a women, or place the toilet seat back(which no one really does nowadays).....not that i despise these things, and all men probably want to do these for the girls............but i couldn't think of anything, and i stood there for some crucial minutes just stoning and not knowing what to write for aq....

i feel so immature, ignorant and naive.............i am.. never have i felt so unconfident in a national exam before.....during psle, i was oblivious to what a big deal it was.....(it really could define your entire life if you manage to end up in RI or hwachong).......but at least i didn't do bad.....during o lvls, i was confident, complacent........and still i scraped through........now.......i might have already given up.......................ahh...the thought of retaking the a lvls, 2 years from now after ending my ns....i'm doomed to be left behind in the rat race, paper chase...whatever....

Soul searching..

2007-10-27T00:42:00.000+08:00

was a little pissed off today....but guess its ok now.....its just too trivial.....anyway, it just led into another episode of soul searching, which i won't talk about now..........cos i won't have the time..

i read an article about the youths in china.....despite the aging population around the world, china has one of the youngest population....despite being a communist country, collectivisation and communes which is what it should be.....the youths are displaying this self-centered attitude....it was a TIME magazine article a few months ago........but similarly it was about this consumerism, materialism, globalisation, the hedonistic treadmill that we've been reading about in the comprehension passages...its affecting even china.......where still a large population lives in poverty......... more about it another time...maybe tmr.......

also was going to read about Mother Theresa's recently unveiled lack of faith in both God and herself while she was constantly wearing a mask to hide her insecurities....even Mother Theresa, had insecurities, how am i ever going to destroy them......i wonder what insecurities Gandhi had.....and all the 'brave', 'courageous' ppl that have walked the planet...do they all have conflicts with their own inner demons?.....................

a reader wrote to newsweek,(apparently this is large news that is covered in probably all magazines and over the internet).......
'Great Saints have had grave crises of faith: the greater the saint, the graver the "dark night of the soul."'....
well, there were many ppl rushing to defend her.....but one thing's for sure....if you can't fight these demons, hide it........don't allow them to cause you to neglect all thats around you, and all thats important.........

well, i've not changed, but i will...................what a grave mistake i've made all this while...

clear confusion... (an oxymoron)........scintilla of truth.

2007-10-25T21:31:00.000+08:00

this is confusing....a two opposing intended confusions led to a misunderstanding leading to genuine confusion....but clearly now i'm confused........i wasn't sure if i was right, but right now, either i'm really right or i'm really wrong.......

if i was right, ain't i being a little too honest here from the beggining?....whats the purpose?...is there a purpose for honesty?

intrigue.... there's the small o on the right,....... and there's the big O on the left.... like you said it was.... 'uniquely weird'

unless i was wrong from the start...from the very start.

i've have a puny flu virus in me......better not be dengue or SARS or anything like that, or i'll really flare...........its been giving me headaches, fatigue, sore eyes...for the past 2 weeks...damn, i'm going to get some medicine and sleep...good night...

Let me try saying something....

2007-10-22T22:44:00.000+08:00

let me try saying something when i've got nothing to say.... *yawn*........

ahhh....just whiling away my time while i digest my dinner and gorging down on more fruit........

how confident am i about my prospects? i need to back up my confidence with sheer hardwork...

Mrs ho was right about my gp essays. I wonder why she never pointed out all the flaws that i constantly make until today. She says my sentences are much too looooonnnggg because i like making each point with only one sentence. She says it is possible to make a point with a few sentences instead of combing different sentence structures which becomes so confusing that sometimes markers will have to reread each sentence a few times to ensure that it is grammatically correct. <--- such as this sentence. Anyway she has said a lot of things and i don't think i wanna go on about it.

*yawn*. Life has been dull lately. Life has always been dull for me. Oh dear, I've really got nothing much to look forward to after the A lvls. All i need is more dirt on my morale...... yeah rite.......

Everything's wayyyyyyyyyyyyy beyong my influence? A stupid thought to harbour.

I wonder just which 'loser' manage to win. Haha...i wish i was <---that 'loser'
Let me just try to remember. You found out, but this time things are different. So you can sit together on whatever... ah i tried to remember, but this part i forgot.....something 'big', let me guess....nothing, and you blacked out. Woke up and find yourself somewhere......the very place that you blacked out, hohoho your void deck......now you found yourself the perfect labmonkey.

A very happy ending to a 'long' chase i guess..........how unexciting........ i really thought there would have been more to it, guess i was wrong.

Its over.... Time for season 2...

ZIQI Shippuden!

God save the A lvls.

2007-10-20T17:36:00.000+08:00

arghhhh1!!...... can't stand it anymore... my eys are red and sore again... it was sore on tures day and wed, which kind of limited the of study i could do, as i try to rest my eyes more....then the last two days were ok...but i think it was partially there...now its back again....fucked up !......i'm to delve into self-pity in this very very crucial moment...haha one more week, and i have so much to cover, and i wonder if god is trying to help me or not......maybe he is giving me sore eyes, so that i'll have less time to study, and that i'll feel a greater urgency....paired with a pulled muscle or ligament or something near my left ankle so i can't walk or go anywhere but stuck at home to study.......

haha guess what....i'm actually typing with the monitor closed....to pspare my eyes from the pain of staring at the monitor...so neither will i turn on the screen later to check the speeling errors ... 1 more week and i'm supoosed to die a sitting duck...nvm i think i'll at least cover some dynamics and electricity...and hope fully finish the whole of physics by tmr....

it was so weird, i went with my grandmother to the supoer market just now...wow....... in there, its like the guys are being outnumbered by at least 10 to 1....seriously......and there is really great comfort in knowing that, it not just a place full of lao auntie.....but there are many young ppl as well.....i actually do go to the supermarket quite alot, most of the tiems in the evening.(not because i'm a responsible reliable child that my parents depend on...i'm not that filial or neither do i spare a thought for them.......its because i have to grab something to eat with 10$ when my parents are out and have not cooked, and i want to save as much money as possible by not eating in food courts or whatever...its like shopping malls serve the same old food fare in terms of foodcourt and fastfood...not like i want to eat the same old stuff everyweekend when my parents go club in some 'NEW GEN club' for the retired...i always get sausages or some meat or some cheese eggs and sauses to cook....this walking into supermarket, and buying stuff to cook actually gives me that sense of superiority, DIY, how the punks like to put it....cook yourself, its PUNKROCK!).....

i think its the first time out of 5 years? i went like at noon where there are hordes of ppl........ok let me report on my findings..lol...there was this demure librarian looking china girl......then there was this post-bohemian sort of look girl.really pretty...with her friend.......and then there was this chick wearing some ultra mini hotpants......mmmmmm.....hot.. saying something like "i was thinking spinach.."...lol........better thing is....they don't visit supermarkets with their boyfriends......of course there were tons of ah lians too.....and i don't know whats wrong with some ah lians nowadays....they like wearing extreamly big words and phrases on their tops....i think they're reallyjust trying to the tell the world that they are more than just plain 'bimbotic' lians...that they do have some brains up there, that they do have their strong opinions, that they do have worldy views....i wonder ......are they itelluectuals? i'm not saying that they're not, i'm not looking down on them...but if they're wearing something like, iPAP ROCKS...maybe i'll really think ...or STOP GLOBAL WARMING...OR or REUSE REDUCE RECYCLE....haha....maybe i would really be led to believe they are ppl with great big revolutionary ideas....but nope......like goth chicks...its..i probably its just the image thing.....they are wearing words like... I KNOW I"M HOT...or I (HEART) NY....(you love new york for what?.)......yeah i saw this lian in the super market wearing I(heart) NY......oh well....PARADOX........

i 'turn back on my monitor'.....

ah okay....my grandmother was going berserk in the supermarket....from the start, i asked..."xu bu xu yao na na ge che? wo na na ge lan zi ah?"....(translation: do i need don't need get that car? i take that basket ah?")......she say "mai yi dian dian er yi"(buy a bit)...........then we went around buying chicken, soy sause...blah blah.....imagine going shopping with a girl.....they want to grab everything....she said "jin wan yao zhu se me?"(tonight want cook what?)...then she bought lots of spinach.......some pears....my basket was filled to the brim already....i said "jin wan zi you san ge ren chi"(tonight only 3 ppl eating)....then she went to the fruit juice section.....then she chose the marigold mixed fruit yoghurt drink.....she said "ni zi ji ye mai ge guo zi lai he"(go buy some juice)...i thought she wanted to drink more...so i chose something for her... she said"ni xi huan mang guo zi ah" (you like mango juice?)........"wo sui bian, ni yao ma........wo bu yao he de" (anything, you wanted, i don't want any)....she said "ni xuan ni yao de..."(you choose what you want)...i say "ah...wo bu yao bu yao...bu xiang he...."(i don't want. don't feel like..) so i put it back...but then she kept forcing me to get one...ah...so i just bought mango juice, not that i have any favourites, its a sweet tropical fruit i guess..

TIME TO STUDY

Talk about the void..

2007-10-14T20:19:00.000+08:00

unsatisfied.......hmmmmm.......can't realyl express how i'm feeling right now.....i wonder how i got to feel like that....i guess, its this recurring thought that keepbounces back and forth in my head, which has just gotten worst today......the past week, the thought of the As coming closer and closer, and the need to wield some control over my fate in the exam keeps thumping harder and harder with each passing day...

do you think i can make it? do i think i can make it?....the so called 'mock battles' are all over.....all the 'mock battles' that i bothered but never had the will to work and try....the a lvls is a one shot one kill thing......i cannot be sure of the grades that i will get....only because i'm really aiming very high for it.....more like aiming for the best......if i follow religiously to my 'schedule' i should have 4 full days to concentrate on my economics.....4 full days to start over 2 years worth of stuff......i'm was quite motivated when i saw my econs grades for the prelims....i think i was 79percentile, a D.......i was lucky.....but this paper, i tried and did most of the questions, even when half the time i not sure of the answers that i have to give....i've only get Us for econ......it means there is still hope.... argh......if only i did like shit for midyears, i could have retained and that would have changed my fate entirely.......

but now, i have 2 weeks to change my destiny.....2 weeks to decide whether i'll continue to stay with my parents till past 30......take all the shit in now, or take the endless amt of shit in future, its only a small sacrifice...... I HAVE TO PRESS ON......

i was rolling about in bed last night, because i think i got some stuff figured out...it was so clear yesterday...but now that picture has fussed out.....

it took a little inspiration before the idea actually came into my head...i was thinking of two things...first, i was recollecting the times me, jiahao, junhui and daniel were having 'fight club'....i was always taking the hits.....when i tried to dodge, i'm stil being hit.....then i was thinking of the time crisis game i had the other day.......i was trying to dodge the bullets and still....i was hit.......
the two images linked, and i realised,

i was always the one taking the hits

not the one giving the hits..............have i realised how deep the rabbit hole goes?....i wonder if i've figured it all out and reach the ends of how it works.......do i know what to expect now?..i guess if you had such power and control, then i wouldn't be the only victim..from what i've heard.....its not turned off now and then, but its turned on all the time...i know a way out of this..........this is part one of the scheme, well, be the lure, pretend to be the prey, let the victims think they're acting and moving on their own accord, but well really you're the one pulling the strings..thru insinuation or whatever.....

it may even be something thats pulled off unconsciously simply because you've pick it up unconsciously and manage to pull it off so many times without knowing it....

but one thing i gotta constantly remind myself........stop being self-conscious about the insecurities.......and the only thing i'm insecure about is insecurity itself.......attention away from myself.....until i curb my weaknesses, i'll never live.......then i can wield power...

well, i know things should be quite stagnent for now, which is a good thing...until i can put my heart and soul to it, my heart and soul now goes to my studies..... my waves will not be stirred for the timebeing....

make love make love to my books........make it vulgar if its necessary.....

Stagnent Puddle

2007-10-13T00:22:00.000+08:00

What's wrong with fridays man......it used to be like puddles gathering rain, sad, at least it was dramatic......now its like stagnent puddles of water....so unexciting its sad...

today was the official last day of school for the j2s......how i felt about it?.....it felt like all the other last days.....its so pale in comparison to the expectations of most.......i rmb in pri school and in secondary school, it was just like that....the last days were the most boring....everyone wants to be moved.....but not...

farewell assembly sucked big time....i remember feeling so emotional last year during the seniors farewell assembly, so much more than the mood ppl had today....i guess the teachers loved the dragon batch more...they had put up so many performances for them, and there were no speeches....every single j1, our batch, had to pay $1 to supply the j2s with mass balloons........
this year, ours was marked with long speeches...and just some songs sang by some teachers.....we want drama, we want to break down in tears......not hear what you have to say...lol.....i know i'm really insensitive to sound like that...but...you know what i mean....was it necessary for the principal to go up and talk about everything thats irrelevant???....your batch are guinea pigs, you belong to the top 20%, you are not unimportant, great because you first batch to take the new syllabus......oh man.......why do i have to listen to this crap.......i kind of forgot what the other speeches were all about...i guess they tried....and if i were in their shoes...i guess i wouldn't have done it in anyway else, because our batch was really not unique...not special....the only thing about our batch were we are guinea pigs....we take new syllabuses during pri school and secondary school...why?......the snake year comprises of the smallest number of babies thats why...if anything goes wrong...you'll be sure that the number of casualties are low...

was a little pissed off with myself as well....something didn't turn out as i was intending it to be...even though, i curbed some of my recurrent nerves.....not exactly self-conscious either..was trying and was mildly successful in diverting attention away from myself....however, it didnt' proceed the way i wanted....i was being led instead of in the driver's seat, which is bad...........i guess i'll yet to be the person to be by the wheel...its really hard....trying to grab the wheel away from an experienced driver is hard.....and even harder when their presence has an effect which completely rewires your brain, deny the ability to think on my feet, and at the same time, increase my heart beat........................haha...really i don't really care as much now.....i know my chances are thin......i'm just not that smooth yet......

anyway, the outing with the class at vivo...was serene i guess...nothing much happened....

this is the thing with my class...which i guess is quite ideal in some aspects.......its a totally ununited class.........which is good sometimes.....there is no pressure to not be yourself, you can express yourself freely, without the fear of being judged, because you really don't care how the others judge you...at the end you speak for yourself... no pressure to make choices againsts someone's elses, because in an ununited class, there is an unspoken agreement, that everyone is on his/her own.....there is no pressure to have to feel happy, or sad, when the majority is feeling happy or sad....the class can have ppl feeling sad, and happy, and emo, and bored, can't be bothered, vulgar, nice, innocent, oversensitive...all at the same time.. without the fear of being outlawed by the class, cause there are no strong cliques.... its like a democracy.......
UNITY IN DIVERSITY........different personalities, different backgrounds, different upbringings...after 2 years, everyone are still like foreigners in each others eyes...we can happy if "we appreciate this foreigness as an adventure and recognise that we have traded the luxury of being understood for that of being permanently interested.."(some lifting from some guy in the newspaper)..........basically, everyone is free, liberty.....no unity...

unlike a united class which is favoured just as well...which sometimes can be really hard to distinguish whats real from whats fake....i've seen one or two classes which are quite united, and i really admire them.........the relationships that they've manage to form.....however all these is much more than mere chemistry......it requires effort, everyone to be open and accept to share with one another...its a lot like communism......if its successful, the favourable aspects stand out, such as being happy when sharing posessions with one another, and working together to earn something which no one can posess..to be selfless...........however, one can hardly be selfless....and in communist states, there is repression...in a 'united' class.....there may be just too much glue....sometimes, ppl may want to be left alone, when they're down... but yet they cannot seperate themselves from the group due to peer pressure perhaps...the pressure to feel happy, when everyone is happy, or sad when everyone is sad...you cannot flaunt your individuality or personality as a slight difference would only increase your chances of being ostracised(?).....you end up having to behave like a herd of samebodies......being identified as a group, rather than as individuals...

06s23....during the pae.....was generally a 'democratic' state......it ran a risk of become communist.....the girls...the girls think its so important to have that 'unity' in a class, to the point of having to sacrifice 'real' for hypocrisy...during pae, i really really felt this from the beggining, every single guy in the class was different, had different beliefs, had different kinds of friends..these are my first impressions of you guys...Andrew was the ultra guai, religious boy who goes to church every week, because of his strong faith, he had that righteous decent aura...he and esther keep giving these weird thumbs up signs, forgot what they said along with it...Daniel, the big, friendly, quite intimidating because of his size guy from newtown..big gangster school, weird because he expressed himself in eddie koh's gp lessons...someone from newtown....lol...exception...Hanrui, was the smart guy.....o lvl prelims already got 9 or 11 pts or something....hardworking because he does all the first 3 months homework...but he also could chill and swing in the right frequency when hanging out......Johann, tough guy, cool arrogance, aura of paikia, no one dares to offend him, initially, was like have to be diplomatic when talking.....or he may punch you in the face.....Jiahao, the happy go lucky kind, because of his size, he is not treated with much respect..also always crapping along with us...Junhui, the only guy that speaks chinese....and also always hang out with his swiss cottage friend that has went to poly,(sweechiow???forgot his name..lol)....than there was Yixian, quite gay guy, from my secondary school and class, which i seldom talk to.....different ppl from different schools, hung out with different company after school also...initially it was like, ok lets all keep a distance from each other outside of the classroom............and our relationship with the girls from the start was not that good already.....we were divided by along gender lines......but the guys...i think we were all cool and strong personalities....we were all honest with each other....we are cool with one another, but we don't like each other so much that we want to be in the same class..lol...we were wishing that we could split and thrown into different classes away from the girls...........but girls being girls...like to craft this unity thing......they went to appeal to stick together as a class having this false implanted-by-force belief that we are united........the guys were damn pissed initally, don't know about the rest, but i was damn pissed..lol...

when s17 joined our class to form s23, its even weirder....its like opposite ends of the universe being brought together..LOL, pae s16 already had such great differences, now when s17 join, it was like having to cultivate racial harmony or something, i think there was a tension that existed.....for the whole year....even this year, the guys of s16 and s17 wasn't that close........i think handball actually bonded the guys a little....and weird, the last few months, the guys coexisted happily...it was only recently that we became close now that i've thought about it......the guys of s17 and s16 never sat together during recess and during class until recently...also s17 robbed andrew from us....lol.....i think andrew couldn't stand the vices that the s16 guys constantly indulge in, our behaviour..... today, as we got along, we learnt to tone down our differences and brought out our similarities........

today, the class outing.......i'm not sure if i should be happy or not....part of me misses these times, such awkward moments...these different ppl.....i sincerely relish the fact that we always do not agree with each other all the time...the guys constantly making a choice against the girls...the girls have their many disagreements amongst themselves...all the silent enemies...the guys always having different perceptions...talking to any guy in the class, is an unique experience on its own entirely......the other part of me feels as if i've had enough of jc life....this jc life, was interesting enough....this jc life i've had to put up with most of the time.....a school life that i seriously didn't really enjoy......a boring life most of the time...j1 was really boring...but the things you hate, were also the things you enjoyed....project work, obs, hockey,orientation, peforming during j1, and during j2, it was really the relationships that i had with all these ppl that defined it....to me, jc ended as soon as it begun...and begin only as it was about to end.............i guess i just got too comfortable.....thats why there are these great emotional attachments...

i'm glad i'm leaving all these behind......i really want to do well for my A lvls, i don't know about everyone else, but i saw life beyond my A lvls....the A lvls was never the goal....

anyway, my enlistment is on 10 jan....i'm excited to enter the army.......i have such great expectations....but i think i'll be let down in the end....the next 2 years will also pass quickly...

sorry if i've offended anybody......good night..

hmmm...rather curious..

2007-10-07T13:08:00.000+08:00

well, i only recently realised what was being flashed right at my face....sadly, for me, i'm guessing the void right here is still void... yet things now are, not 'on her own'.....

emotions are like defects in the human psyche.......its unavoidable, but never make decisions, never allow yourselves to be overwhelmed by emotions, self-conciousness..... wonder how different it would be if i was smarter, less self-conscious, more control over my ever-yapping mouth, more control over emotions, more control over all the external factors......one cannot blame the external factors, because one is also responsible for allowing it to happen........i cannot blame my friends for the outcome of things, because i partook in the constitution of my own doom.(excuse me for the flowery...it gives me relief when i feel i can express myself with some words, whenever i feel i cannot....its like, 'more than words'....)

"What is necessary for the rise of evil is for good men to do nothing." some quote from some historian about hitler....

my ever-yapping mouth.......this i have to put a stop to........this need to just pour everything out of my head...like what i'm doing now on this blog...this blog actually goes against my principles of my newly restablished principles of keeping things to myself....now that i think of it, life was much much better at a point back in time when i kept everything to myself....

that point of time was not that back long ago, (or rather, it was the whole time before this point that i was always keeping stuff to myself) it was only 2 years back....when i still kept things personal.....wanna see the constant clouds that i lay around myself to shroud myself in mystery?
if you clicked all the way back to feb 2005 archives.......i guess it was when i first started blogging, it was when i first opened up a little....but even from that point on, my blog was never meant for any eyes, except for people who do not know me, strangers...i never told anybody about this URL, i wonder how ppl first stumbled upon it......i guess its because the url is also my username, 'bestfatz'...sigh....back in 2005, i was crazy about this girl as well, and when someone happened to stumble upon my private domain, a few ppl came to read my entries......one said i was sincere....which i took pride in until now.....also i wondered how my friends in jc, my classmates got this url in the first place....daniel said it was possible to search thru google...but i don't think google bought blogger over last year...not sure...i guessed they simply type in 'bestfatz'.............but still i wanted to keep it private, to lock it up, but the whole point of blogging was to connect to the world, to express yourself amongst the heavy traffic of the internet....so i didn't.....that feeling of wanting someone that is a total stranger who accidentally stumbles in to understand everything that you're going thru....(today, i know i should never expect or hope to find anybody that understands you)

i guess it all started when i started confiding in ppl, it made me trust ppl more easily without actually having a good reason to....trust someone merely because ppl listen?......its not that these ppl have bad intentions, its just that 'accidents', always, happen......and then everybody knows....what consequences?so what if ppl know? the consequences are dire....its always a small malfunction, small miscalculation, that leads to the entire destruction of say, a rocket ship, a rollercoaster, a ferris wheel even......investigators would always trace it back to a small loose screw, or a little piece of rock or fine dust particle that happens to get in the way.......its never over-cautious to be over-cautious.....

but i guess i'll be more careful now..... this blog will still be transparent......at least for now...

this blog also contradicts with something else.....because i'm constantly talking about myself(like everything thats above), placing myself in the centre of the universe, i wonder if it makes me more narcissistic, more self-absorbed and inevitably more self-conscious.....all these would make me less sensitive to the ppl around me and to the surroundings......ppl hate you when you go on and on about yourself..(though i do talk about society sometimes)....i've realise this...but blogging also happens to be like a drug, maybe i shouldn't be excused for using it to reassure myself and to stroke my own vanity....

maybe i should redirect this blog into a sort of place for self-discovery and meditation sort of thing....i do not have any guidelines though.....maybe when i do really start changing as a person, to be less selfish, less self-absorbed, will this blog, a mirror, a reflection, a shadow of the person that i am will also change....

now i'm wondering about something else, for the thirdtime....i wonder why am i going on and on about myself again....was supposed to be talking about that mere distraction in my head....but all these stuff i mentioned above connects...until i can learn to be less narcisstic and learn to love others more before i deserve any love.....

then then then again.....i should be studying!...instead of debating left and right, after which none of it actually matters....this blog is a curse!....... SSSSSSTTTTTOOOOOPPPP!

...random

2007-10-06T23:03:00.001+08:00

"DOn't leave me high.......DOn't leave me Dry......"

over dinner, adults were talking about the release of cpf funds at a later age, and about death and it being imminent.....and also talking about youth....... ..

wonder, how long before i experience midlife crisis...

Just Have Got to Do it..

2007-10-06T18:07:00.000+08:00

last night, i met up with chung and ships in town...we agreed to go and check out chung's bro gig at a cafe/bar? at SMU....The place was called Frusch? i think....anyway, there were lots of ppl, and the atmosphere was quite good i guess....lots of eye candy as well....the food was alright i guess, very humble...its supposed to be like the Sanctuary in Pj, some sort of place for relaxation for the students in SMU....(i think non-students were not allowed in usually, but either this was a event,i'm not sure, or its open to friends of the students i guess, or they were not strict about it....but you needed to tap some card here and there to open glass doors, stairways and the cafe itself..).......anyway, the place was dimly-lit, like a bar or club, you can order food, alcohol, play PS3, xbox360, pool, air hockey, lots of couches, and a live set for performances... the bands that played were like any other local bands.....heard 3 bands....they played covers only of course...but i don't think you can hear original songs anywhere else either, since audiences don't give a shit bout local music..more mainstream music was played, like oasis, maroon 5, snow patrol, matchbox twenty, redhotchilipeppers and stuff.....appealing to everyone...its entrancing enough...

me and chung got ourselves the 'best' sandwich that they served......it was better than chicken mayo in pj, simply with more value-added..like the way it was toasted,better quality white bread or foccacia bread, more expensive lettuce, tinge of raspberry sauce...served with ruffles potato chips...for price of $4.......'Good News Cafe' is overcharging.........

anyway, all i wanna say is....i gotta get myself a piece of university life!....life without university is not a good life......its like what i expected of jc....in the end its nothing much, and really boring, but still, i've got to taste it to know.....so i have more reasons to do well for my a lvls now....i really really really gotta......ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR........................i wish i had a potion to drive me to study non-stop like a machine......

now i gotta go have dinner with my family and relatives...sigh....should i bring some notes to read and piss ppl off????.....

PArt 2 of story

2007-10-04T23:12:00.000+08:00

I'm just going to continue writing this story, for the sake of writing...and i couldn't get the feel that i had when i first wrote the story below, so now i guess the mood will sound entirely different, but it will be more interesting(for me, for you, you probably won't read.) since it has a different perspective...

So now, the sun is setting due to the long time the clown took to contemplate whether he should approach the boy. The tone of the sky and everything below has becomed orange. As the sky drops beyond the horizon, it will turn dark blue and soon stars will fill up the sky. The clown pulled up his sleeves to reveal a number of watches around his hands(this is becoming like alice in wonderland), but he couldn't see the hands on the watch. By now, the fucked up children had all disappeared. He heard a voice sounding behind him. "The time is.........its too late...too late to make things right....." The warm colours of the make-up and costume that the clown worn had faded due to the lack of lighting around them. He took some water from his bottle and wiped his face off his make-up, revealing a melancholic frown that he had worn on his face for the past few months, despite the wide painted grin on his face by day.

"Why do you wear a mask?" Timmy asked.

"Everyone wears a mask." The clown barked then took out his harmonica and blew a melancholic melody. (Wish you were here - Pink Floyd)
"So, so you think you can tell, heaven from hell. Blue skies from rain. Can you tell the green fields from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?" The clown sang with his awfully hoarse voice...
"everyone has doubts. The mask covers these doubts. Egos are fragile. Never mistake a person's appearance. We often develop a social exterior designed specifically to disguise our weaknesses and lacks."

The clown took off his big curly red afro wig, and off came cascading down below his shoulders, the clown's beautiful long blonde hair. 'A old wrinkled face with such smooth golden hair? what a freak.' Timmy thought to himself.

"i bet i saw that hair in one of pantene's" Timmy claimed. "wrong, its herbal essences, i did the moaning......but my hair wasn't there....." the clown rebutted.

Timmy felt his stomach stir........A flood of mixed feelings, confusion withheld his mind.
Like being struck with confusion ray by Psyduck,

"I think i'm gonna puke...."
--------------------------------
haha, its a mess rite?...stay tuned for more long blonde hair, and not so old and wrinkled face.......

Things that pissed me off today..

2007-10-01T23:38:00.000+08:00

Overslept.
The number of canteen stalls that were open today.
The lack of choices of food in the school, doesn't matter if all the canteen stalls were open.
Had Lor Mee for lunch, there was too little.
Went home for dinner, the food was boring.
Shaving. I hate shaving, i always get razor burns....its so irritating...now you know why i always don't shave...
Very tired right now, have to rest. I wish i had the energy to study.

Good Night.

Quick rewind

2007-09-30T21:37:00.000+08:00

ok.....i should be going to study soon.....was really occupied this weekend...which is a good thing..wasn't spending the whole time studying, but still the time was wasted properly..

sigh...30 days or less to the A lvls......ok i've got so many chapters that are yet untouched, i plan to finish 3 chapters of whatever hopefully 4 chapters in a week......all these gaps here and there, i don't know if i can clear it in time, and still do some practise before entering the examinations....especially economics....not to worry, i know i can do it.....

there is this anticipation in me for the a lvls....its good, it feels just like the excitement of getting to go up to stage and perform....and weeks before the actual performance, the anticipation starts and never ceases..it becomes the centre of all priorities..studying is just like the jamming sessions, which is quite enjoyable really...this belief keeps me going i guess...

i really really really really hope no one will look back and regret this episode in life...the A levels...its like being in one of those life-threatening obstacle courses with big rolling boulders, giant swinging axes, flying darts and spike pits.......we really cannot cannot allow ourselves to be knocked off course.....it doesn't matter if you intend to do well, to give up and do something else after this, or even retain(which i believe that door is already closed).....

we are being rushed to do our A lvls....and for me(and many many many many others) wanted to retain to have more time to acquire it in my own pace, but no......schools now are being ran like factories, with capitalistic principles.....they just want you to churn out top grades......they take in a lot of ppl, they don't give a shit about how well or badly you do....well the teachers do care, but the system itself is cruel, so the teachers themselves can't help you....the school should be burnt...

just don't regret.....Its this stupid education system that our prime minister likes to boast so much about and give such impertinent recognition to.....i agree that if you're in hwachong or raffles or some prestigious school, you are probably being groomed to be sucessful in society in future......but the school i am in right now and my secondary school, is far from that........my secondary school, a neighbourhood school, sucks....they do not develop you in anyway, restricts your ambition, your potential, does not speak or represent education in its purest forms.....in jc, well pjc is much better, but still it lacks a lot...lacks behind in providing opportunities, or in grooming or developing your potential and personality....it sucks....it's so called opportunities are provided to only a small few minority which the school believes is the cream, overseas trips, SDP, or any workshops provided to those they think will benefit from most, and neglecting everyone else.. and that they're being meritocratic about it...but really, like society, their being impassive to those who are really talented, really free......

yet to be expressed, i have a long list of problems that the singapore education system has, i have a long list of solutions for the system. since i have the solutions, i have the right to complain... if i ever told the schools something like this, they will surely blame it on funding..saying that there are not enough funds to support us or develop us....like in hockey cca, they do not have funds to book pitch and shit....funds......please, our goverment is efficient, but not efficient enough... the goverment allocates such a big budget to our educational system...but how much actually reaches us students....how much of it actually is put to good use and develops us, allowing us to provide external benefit to society..how much of this money is translated to quality education....the goverment may be trying its best by pumping in lots of money, but not on the right things.....give teachers a larger salary?!.....does it improve the quality of teachers or quality of teaching?! i don't get it.....it just increases the number of teachers, and then the govt will have to pay even more, but the students don't benefit from getting better teachers...not that the teachers are lousy, but its reality...teachers in turn are being churned out in mass like the 'backyard steel furnaces' in the great leap forward....well, how many principles does a school need?.....we usually have 2, now, almost every school has 3......yes, such promotions and big money in their pockets improves the education system....how many ppl do you need to make a decision....just have a board of directors and advisors and one chairperson......

i'm bitter because i'm one of the many many students who never got to exploit the funds...never got to go to any overseas trips....

recently, govt has been trying to sell our Arts industry.....yes, by pumping lots of money, into the drain.....i got an A for project work, mainly because i kept critisising this in my project, saying the goverment doesn't know what its doing...i'm quite happy that Royston Tan lived up to his name, looks more accomplished now than Jack Neo will ever be...i'm so happy that anybody that witnessed our project realised its potential and said 'yes,they were right'....rmb arts need to be cultivated in ppl's minds first....well then again, the govt could be boasting about our film and arts industry thru the media merely to garner more investments....

wah i talked so much about this govt thing.....i'm wasting my time....i still support the pap though...time to study time to study...

i'm gonna continue my story someday....or maybe never.....

Just for laughs...(no, i'm not in denial)

2007-09-26T22:49:00.001+08:00

A kid laughs because he is truly entertained, taken away, overwhelmed with joy.........

ok i guess i'm going to tell all of you ppl-that-ever-reads a story..its certainly not an auto-biography of myself(but of course, it is a reference to reality)....i'm just in a mood to be colourful, and i haven't written a story since the o lvls....i hardly could know how to start.....but i feel that for ppl like Jun Hui and Qihuat who constantly reads these posts and would later tell me and laugh about it, i feel responsible that i have to give them something interesting..
right now, my life is a real bore, i admit.

(story is going to be quite ridiculous and lousy)

There was a boy named Timmy. He had always been living a smooth-sailing life, with hardly any drama in his life to paint it red. He wondered how it was like to be a child again. Everyone was once a child, but we no longer remember how our attitudes or behaviour once were. He pondered, 'A kid laughs because he is truly entertained, taken away, overwhelmed with joy.........'. Though a child still lies at the back of our head, child-like behaviour still stems from the unconscious, he wondered if he was truly happy each time he laughs. Each time he had a great time with his friends, joking, playing and just running about, he couldn't hold himself back but let out rapid bursts of laughter. Yet, each time when things were calm. He can't stop wondering about the lack of colour in his life. Even though he laughs, he is not truly happy. There is always something missing. There exists an emptiness in everyone that cannot be satiated by one's own will, even this, quite often it cannot be provided by those around you either. Still, such a life he continued to lead, and continued to laugh. Never expect to find someone that will understand you, it is better to understand yourself and what you want and to get it at the end of the day.

He met a clown one day on the way back to school. He was awed and attracted by this aura of cheeriness that exudes out of him like colourful spinning streamers hung onto the handles of a pink bicycle. Sadly for Timmy that day, he dropped some money on the floor and had to go home hungry because he absolutely could not buy any crackers for lunch. Even Polly, his very-bestest-friend did not spare him any crackers as crackers were Polly's weakness. Polly digs crackers man......

At once, the clown spotted this pathetic-excuse-for-a-human-being. He felt this urge to be the rescuer, to help cheer him up again. However, at that point of time, he was immensely surrounded by lots of irritating children vying for his absolute attention, and being a clown, his only honor to serve was in entertaining these rugrats. These children was like all-hell-broke-loose. They don't give a fuck. THey just wanted to be happy. They stepped on his big red shoes, turning them black. They pulled his big red hair, though there were curly, they became entangled. They pinched his big red nose. One even tried to puncture and push his nose into his face, to no avail, the nose merely squeaked and that only drew larger laughters and more hands to squeeze his red red nose. He hated the children. And worst of all, the sin of all sins, the children compared him to Ronald Macdonald.

'The world of McDomination'
He hates Ronald and Mr Colonel. They are posers, sell-outs. Cashcows of gluttonous businessmen. They make real clowns like him feel ashamed of being clowns, for these true clowns were the real non-conformists until they were being commercialised by filthy pocketting businessmen with no real agenda in life besides making more money for themselves. The burgers look and tasted like saggy breast. The fried chicken like saggy skin. "Who eats this shit?! TUDE! FUCK IT! TUDE!"

----------------------------
ok i will continue this story tmr...its 12 am now, i really want to complete this story, but like freaking everything else, timing is wrong....its the stupid a lvls, and i need to get sleep to slug it out tmr........this story is probably about everything i've learnt so far........and i already have the whole story in my head..so anyone that is out there, stay tuned.

No time left

2007-09-24T22:41:00.001+08:00

no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left no time left

do this do that do this do that do this do that do this do that do this do that do this and that

I wonder what this is

2007-09-24T00:32:00.000+08:00

absence does to you the strangest of things....now my psyche is all set...

only thru these rites would you be worthy....

its like finally looking thru the looking glass....now i have organised and strutured feelings..

White oleander, persuasion, manipulation..............

2007-09-22T15:18:00.000+08:00

woke up at 12 pm today....was wondering how i was going to spend my day....i was really bored the past few days, and thought that today, i was going to exploit it as much as i can before the new week starts and i'll have to start working like a machine with not time for thoughts and reflections or imagination or any personal time like that...............really had the desire today to stay at home, to gain deeper insights about things....... was wondering what i was going to do......i wanted to watch as many films as i can......and to think of something worthy to write in this blog.....anyway, you might not understand and see the perspective of what i'm saying following from here, but read it anyway.....i may be deep or surface, i don't know..

anyway, i'm gonna talk about relationships, influence, power, or manipulation that ppl have over one another whether you realise it or not......

when i flipped the life! newspapers for the tv synopses at exactly 12 pm when i got out of bed, i saw the show that was airing was 'Trading Spouses'.......this is a reality series about 2 families having to trade their wives....and watching the drama that enfolds.....

sometimes i thought this show was all scripted.....its hard to believe so much drama could happen, but it also really really really complicated and realistic, so i don't know whether its real.......they always manage to find families that behaves exactly differently....families from different social classes, backgrounds......it always involves a family which is those 'can't be bothered' types, and a family that is really sucessful........but always, all families have their issues..... 'Trading Spouses' is like a mixture of 'supernanny' this tv show in china that switched the lives of a farm boy with that of a rich spoilt brat..(in china, there are both rural and urban areas, well you know, in econs, its the high unequal distribution of wealth..they are either really rich or really poor, indonesia also...)......the moral of these stories was always to establish good relationships(supernanny), and appreciate what you have(that china tv show).....in 'trading spouses', its both...

let me digress a little, the farm boy who went to live in the city, became exposed to the world of luxury, and swore to one day grab hold of it in life.....which may be good or bad, since he may start hating his present life now, this may overwhelm him or he may never get what he wants. the farm boy, was touched by the lives that the poor, and when the poor farmer overlooking his stay in the farm, gave up his entire life's savings for the spoilt brat to get a tour of the yellow river....the spoilt brat realised this and broke down in tears.......life changing experiences for both of them, but the spoilt brat had more to learn.....

well, supernanny, needs no introduction....you better have watched it, cos its no longer showing in arts central.........its always the parents' fault.....

'Trading Spouses' is more interesting...i rmb a few years ago, i watched a little of it, during 'primetime'(around 7pm to 10pm).......it showed a present hippie family....but thats all i paid attention to when i watched it a few years ago.......they had nothing in the house, except maybe for a refrigerator and telephone...they had no tv,couch, beds, no living accesses(excesses?)...in a small house with lots of people....they had a back yard, which a tent was pitched and they probably hang out there singing, sharing poems, meditate or close their eyes and feel nature and frequencies of ultra and supersonic sound.......

anyway, i'm not going into what actually happens, cos its much too long......the gist of it is, the sucessful conceited family is always so full of themselves...they always think that everybody loves them, they have no problems, everything is functioning well...blah blah blah, everything is well....usually really rich...but the wife from the fucked up family with problems usually really poor, will go in and find that everything is so peaceful and free of stress initially......but they'll soon realise that everything is so surface and many things are left unspoken....things are avoided and neglected, and problems are all covered up, not being brought to the attention of everyone, because the sucessful conceited family is always too comfortable to want to address these problems..they are always in self-denial...they rather accept that such problems never existed, so that they could go on living their 'happy' lives.....well, it really is just another form of isolation, (watch 'the village', by Night shylakamunsomething, the sixth sense director)....
one example, the traded spouse finds the daughter of the family having accoplished many things that one would dream of having their own daughters do....and she is only 15, she travelled the world, read many books, writes many books, is worldly in her views, good grades, enjoys 'art', the parents give her this sheltered and overacheiving upbringing..........but she is a loner in school.....no one likes her....she is in denial saying that she doesn't need friends and that she is close with her family....she is mature in the mind, but emotionally she is like a kid, having no social skills.....the traded spouse believes that every girl should be exposed to social life and all, have a normal upbringing.....she later realises that the parents actually planned it, putting her in girls school and stuff, being really restrictive but without the daughter actually knowing, but unconsciously she knows.....when the traded spouse purposely brought it up, and somehow made a 'confrontation' between the daughter and father....by first touching up on a light hearted issue such as dating......without their notice, it slowly revealed the restrictive father, and the daughter dying to get out.......the father would say something like, i feel it is not time for her to make such decisions, not ready and stuff............you get the point.....

the can't be bothered family also has their problems...and always, its the father who instead of playing the father role, plays the friend and good guy to his children....the father would always practise favouritism to the oldest son who gets all the attention simply because he enjoys doing the same things while neglecting the younger children or daughter......the traded spouse from a successful family would always come in, awkward situations will happen, and will think that she can solve the problem(believeing that her own life is what everyone should be living, imposing her life on others)...the family knows this, and don't gives a shit.....they know that the traded spouse is hypocritic and fake...so they always just play along unwillingly, but her plans will always fail because its so stupid.....like playing icebreakers and stuff, planning 'wholesome family fun' activities....and motivational camps....hahahahahah.... well, the problem in these families are always the inability to express their love for one another, everyone feels neglected and everyone is emo....everyone will say they don't give a shit.......

in addition, the spouse from the unappreciated family will always be immensely well-liked because she finally gets a chance to express her warmth and love and be returned the pleasure where usually noone actually gives a shit.......and the conceited mother will always realise that she has simply been talking too much..she should shut up and hold back, that no one really gives recognition about her accomplishments....and learn to socialise more and accomodate others...

i always never get to watch the concluding episode, because in the next episode, they actually show that the families actually solve their problems...well some don't actually....maybe to show that its realistic, and to cover up the script's failure for a suitable resolution if it was scripted....

anyway, the film that screened at 1pm on ch5, 'White Oleander' gave me deeper insight on some things.....it was showed at least twice this year.......the last time i missed a big part of it and decided to miss the whole thing... Today, finally got to watch it.......i was searching the internet for the script because its addresses so many things......they way it was filmed and stuff....i'm not really and artist and stuff, so i can only appreciate with the inability to express myself properly....but scripts to films are like lyrics to songs.....you really want to know what it says if you happen to miss it...

The mother, played by michelle phieffer, is an artist, and is an obsessive seductress who loves playing games and making guys want her.......she is really good with seducing and stuff, not only guys, but with women...she knows the deepest desires of humans, and know how to insinuate and mask what she wants...she has a large influence over everybody she meets, and get what she wants simply out of manipulating ppl.....but it is not without risk, as tampering with love, is volatile...it is like playing with bombs even if you're an expert, a bomb expert always dies in a bomb accident(like in 'Munich', where the guy larry? or something the french informant who gives info on the hits had said).......she is the strong independent woman, who knows how to get her man...."Never allow a man to stay, never apologise....."...all these only makes a guy desire her more...through keeping her distance...she also knows how to manipulate ppl and their temperaments....she always get what she wants by making ppl think that they are giving in by their own choice...its hard to explain, so i will not....she will make others be interested in her, so that she can exploit them...she introduces ideas that would flood the victims head through insinsuation without the victim realising it.......oh i'm making it sound like a thriller.............anyway, she failed on 2 occasions....she fell in love with a man and bore a child(which actually is the main character in the movie)......and 2nd mistake was she committed a crime of passion....usually she is the one manipulative..but when she realises that this man no.2 was only playing around, she got jealous, or unappreciated and killed him for not desiring her enough, or not being loved......

got these quotes from "http://community.livejournal.com/quotes/4819168.html"

"Now I wished she’d never broken any of her rules(i wrote above, never allow a man.....). I understood why she held to them so hard. Once you broke the first one(giving in and falling in love), they all broke, one by one, like firecrackers exploding in your face in a parking lot on the Fourth of July."

“Isn’t it funny. I’m enjoying my hatred so much more than I ever enjoyed love. Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you. Changes its mind. But hatred, now. That’s something you can sue. Sculpt. Wield. It’s hard or soft, however you need it. Love humiliates you, but hatred cradles you.”

"If evil means to be self-motivated, to be the center of one’s own universe, to live on one’s own terms, then every artist, every thinker, every original mind, is evil. Because we dare to look through our own eyes rather than mouth clichés lent us from the so-called Fathers…three cheers for Eve." something about not raising the daughter by herself, not some bible...blah blah...raised to think for yourself....then the daughter would say something like, you only raised me to think like you....

"Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way."

anyway, there is so much....to say.........i shall stop here..can't believe its 5 o clock now..............

The outcome of your life is shaped with your hands...

2007-09-18T19:40:00.000+08:00

i woken up finally........i know whats wrong.........its time to part with my insecurities... these needs, anxieties, self-conciousness...these negativities........ its time to be generous with the world, treat the world with respect........close up my mind, and open my heart........

now i will only look at myself and the past with disgust........

it happened the last friday night..... i was feeling sorry for myself again....i asked the skies what was wrong with me and my life..........i begged for the answers, i begged for change.....
the next day,
maybe it was the power of a supreme being or something, the God or the voice that i constantly prayed to led me to my answers.....i just couldn't stop thinking and reflecting.....i searched and searched, read and read...........everything that i can lay my hands on...............it felt like i was on my way to discovering something, due to my curiosity, i delved deeper.....and from then on, each and every day leading up to today, i discovered, or should i say, my eyes were finally opened....open to realising the things that were happening around me........for too long i have constricted myself, and shove myself to stubborness.........

no i have not turned religious, or decide to follow a religion....these were more like self-discoveries......i know that i have to should be more self-aware and less self-conscious.....the difference is, awareness is the objective view. consciousness is the subjective view, biased......to be self-aware is to understand how ppl perceive you, to be self conscious is merely to understand how you perceive yourself......even if you're right and the whole world is wrong, it takes more then simply arguing to get what you want...persuasion not argument....

i discovered that my insides were rotten......i am evil, i am hitler......and this rot will be radiated passively to everyone around you......... this means, Daniel's-Hello-Kitty-Loving-Blackie was right about me.(hope this doesn't offend anybody...)..haha..

and all these advices from my friends since years back that i failed to pay any attention to, were actually right..........

hmmm i don't know.....i may have countless epiphanies and revelations.......but the only difference that this is going to make is that i follow through with my actions now.................why was i always so bitter?........bitter about what? the frostmourne?

Catch 22

2007-09-17T21:58:00.000+08:00

lol....studied quite a bit...and decided i need a break....my mind is really lazy i guess.......

omg...i just realised...from today onwards, and today its over, i have 1 month 1 week and 6 days left..........

i know i can cope with all the topics and all the subjects......but how do i internalise them in time....especially econs and gp................almost about 1 week for one subject......oh man.........

my prelims can bite the dust............i think i can do fairly fairly fairly well for my prelims i hope...........gotta get some eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees................................

sigh........

about that...............i'm totally confused.................absolutely confused......... i don't know whats going on, if its intended, or it simply turned out this way......anyway, whatever i do will have a consequence......so i better hope i'm rite.......its just confusing.......

haha...100% success rate

2007-09-15T21:03:00.000+08:00

yeah....i guess i'm ok now............... being emo and confused is how i normally react to probably almost everything in life.....i'll begin to understand..

left out...and felt bored.......

2007-09-15T13:38:00.000+08:00

should have just woke up from the start right? why bother in the first place......sigh....maybe i'll be back into that dreaded state again, i never know......??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
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i need some answers la........cos i don't know whats happening....i think no one wants me to know but i have all this doubts......imagine being blind, deaf...devoid of all senses and stuck in emptiness, like in a coma....like in death............. and i want to get out, for better or for worst...only the answers can get me out. out of feeling this way.....

Someone answer my prayers................

2007-09-14T22:27:00.000+08:00

I hope all of you reading this would understand, this is like the only place i have left to be who i truly am..........and again, i fall prey to my inner demons.....the enemy is myself......the last time i thought about the regrets that i had in life, and i just couldn't think of any....well, this is it.....i regret having such problems of self-esteem.......i wonder if everyone has this problem, well but mine is a huge problem........ i hope ppl will feel for me when they begin reading this... At the same time i really hope no one gets to read this.............

where should i start, in the train i had so many negativity running thru my nerves i could had stand straight.......of course, all the time before that during and after that......negativity is still in me....pessismistic this person that i am.........each time i think i about it, i just tell myself to walk away, i cannot let her see me in such a pathetic state...even i'm irritated at myself, how can anyone else not be....i wonder when i walk on the streets all the time, if i induce in ppl the urge to throw a punch at my face.............sigh........these self-esteem issues......these issues........

when i was sec1, my art teacher told me not to kill myself like kurt cobain.....hahaha......of course i would not, but even then, maybe because of puberty, i'm an emo person............but i want to change........

"And then the lover,Sighing like furnace, with a woeful balladMade to his mistress' eyebrow."

part of a poem by william shakesphere...............he talks about the adolescent years, in which every teenager will never cease to whine...................

and "Here I am, inspired to write only because I'm pissed off. "

she deserves someone better, someone who is stable, someone who has no issues, someone with security.....................and i guess that she probably found someone.......that someone is not me, or else she'll suffer......

last time, someone told me that i was hard to get along...........and i guess she was right too, even if it may just be an excuse........

not just that, everybody should just stay clear of me.............I have to change...........

and i should start by being enthusiastic right............HAHAHAHA.............like there is anything to look forward to now..........
---------------------------------------------
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..................................how can i get this out..........it hurts like hell................

ICE POINT

2007-09-14T00:15:00.000+08:00

things are freezing up here....where i am......my mind is stale too......i wonder if things have change......i wanna know, but i wouldn't or couldn't even open my mouth........

together, we can tear the world apart.........